Adrian, will give counseling a try? At least two or three sessions? It may not seem like it would help to you at this moment, but you can't make it go away just by wishing or hiding. Talking to a person who is there to listen to you and guide you through the process will help if you allow it.

I am going to be honest with you. I think you need to be able to talk to someone you know doesn't have any negative thoughts about you. Someone who can help you and your parents understand that you are not to blame. Someone who can help you find ways to rebuild your self-confidence and esteem.

I can't speak for the other posters, but I am concerned about your mental state and I do not want you to hurt yourself any more. So, please, give counseling a try.

I just feel so terrible I don't think any of this was a good idea I don't see how talking about it is going to make anything better. My whole life is a mess all because I was stupid and it's not even over yet if they press charges and he pleads not guilty then I have to go to court which could take months to a year. It's never going to be over.

Honey, I know you don't feel it now, but it WAS a good idea to go to the police. Someday you will realize it. Look at how you were feeling before. Read back over this thread. You were very much a mess. Worrying about him wanting more, putting yourself down for doing it, etc. Your feelings would have just gotten worse. You would have been beating yourself up forever.

Now there will be an end. He will be punished for what he did to you and make no mistake about he did this to you. You are the victim and he is the predator. Some day you will look back on this be proud of yourself for standing up to a predator and making him pay for what he did to you.

Please DO go for counseling. You need it badly and it will help you deal with what is going to happen next. It will probably get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. And, again, your life is a mess NOT because you were stupid but because he took advantage of you. He is to blame here, not you. Clearly, he had this in mind when he asked you to go to the park. He planned to take advantage of you. He is a sick man and needed to be stopped.

I feel like my life is in such a mess right now I can't sleep I've been up all night thinking it's nearly morning and I still can't sleep. I just feel so confused how can I get my brain to stop thinking so I can sleep. I took some of my mums sleeping pills and that's not even working

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I feel like my life is in such a mess right now I can't sleep I've been up all night thinking it's nearly morning and I still can't sleep. I just feel so confused how can I get my brain to stop thinking so I can sleep. I took some of my mums sleeping pills and that's not even working

---

How is it going with your parents? Are they talking to you about what happened? Have you told them how you're feeling about all of this? If not, you should.

Counseling would be a very good idea.

I haven't really spoken to my parents I've just been staying in my room . I'm to embarrassed to even look at my mum and I don't even want to see dad I don't know what he's thinking. Mum comes to my room to ask me If I'm hungry but she doesn't say much else. I've just locked my door and don't come out. I don't want to do councilling don't see how that's going to help just have to suck it up I guess. Think I just need sleep

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I havnt really spoken to my parents I've just been staying in my room . I'm to embarrassed to even look at my mum and I don't even want to see dad I don't know what he's thinking. Mum comes to my room to ask me If I'm hungry but she dosn't say much else. I've just locked my door and don't come out. I don't want to do councilling don't see how that's gonna help just have to suck it up I guess. Think I just need sleep

---

She may be giving you time to come to her. She may not want it to seem like she is forcing you to talk. Try opening the door and letting her in. She can't hold you if you push her away.

I have already explained why you should give counseling a chance. If you are concerned about one-on-one sessions, ask about support groups. I think it will help if you realize you are not the only person has or is dealing with a situation like yours.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I havnt really spoken to my parents I've just been staying in my room . I'm to embarrassed to even look at my mum and I don't even want to see dad I don't know what he's thinking. Mum comes to my room to ask me If I'm hungry but she dosn't say much else. I've just locked my door and don't come out. I don't want to do councilling don't see how that's gonna help just have to suck it up I guess. Think I just need sleep

---

Adrian, I'm going to tell you a bit about myself, and I'm hoping that what I tell you will help a bit.

I was molested as a child by my cousin. I was 5 at the time, she (yes, my molester was a female) was a teen. It went on for years. She was my babysitter. I never told my parents.

When I was 18 I was raped by a friend of an ex-boyfriend. He came to my house while my parents were away, and I let him in because I knew him. He raped me, I didn't give consent at all. I never told anyone about that either. I wasn't as brave as you have been.

For many years I didn't talk about it, I tried to forget about it, and I tried to just live my life. I told no one at all.

When my daughter turned 5, I had a breakdown. I looked at my sweet child and realized that she was the same age I was when I was molested. For so many years I had tried to forget, but I never did, I just put it (5 year old me) in a closet, shut the door, and tried to forget. I can't really describe the feeling to you, but that 5 year old I had shut away, in my mind wasn't really 5, she was an adult, someone that should have done something about this, someone that was somehow responsible for what happened. I shut out that child I was, and turned her into someone that was to blame for everything that happened. When my daughter turned 5 it hit me. How could I have held 5 year old me responsible? I was just a child, just like my daughter. Would I hold my child responsible if it happened to her? Of course not! So why was I doing just that to myself?

I actually posted about it on this site, and if you want I'll post the link for you, if you want to read it. The people on this site are the very reason I finally got the help I needed in order to move on with my life. My daughter is now 10, she's currently at a cabin for the weekend with a friend, the friends sister, and the friends father. The mother had to work so she couldn't go. Five years ago the very thought of letting my daughter go to a sleepover, especially when only the father was present, would have been unthinkable. Five years ago I viewed every person as a potential predator.

Counseling doesn't mean you're crazy. Counseling is about talking your feelings through, learning to deal with those feelings, learning to accept them, and learning to move on.

You'll never forget, but you can move forward. But, until you learn to deal with the feelings you're having now, you'll never be able to move forward, you'll always be looking back.

I urge you to consider counseling. I really wish I had told my parents what happened to me, and I really wish I had gotten help before. I can't tell you how much counseling has helped me.

I feel ashamed for what has happened I guess I'm just scared what a councillor would think of me or anyone would think of me for what I've done. I don't know if I could sit there and tell someone what happened all over again. But I don't won't to feel like this for ever and I've tried not to think about it and it's all I seem to think about and if you say it helps I suppose I should give it a try.

Honey, Read what Alty said, then reread again and again. Let it sink in. You are not the only person who has ever gone through a devastating experience. Counselors are trained to help people get through them. Your parents have no experience with a situation like this so they don't know how to help you. They need counseling too.

I said earlier this may get worse before it gets better. But the only way it will get better is if you talk about it. Especially talk to someone trained to deal with it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I feel ashamed for what has happened I guess I'm just scared what a councillor would think of me or anyone would think of me for what I've done. I don't know if I could sit there and tell someone what happened all over again. But I don't won't to feel like this for ever and I've tried not to think about it and it's all I seem to think about and if you say it helps I suppose I should give it a try.

---

Counselors don't judge, and even if they did, there's nothing to judge. I can't stress enough that you were not to blame for what happened. Do you think I was to blame for what happened to me? I was a child, just like you're a child.

It won't be easy to tell anyone what happened, but it's a lot easier to tell a stranger than it is to tell someone you love and care about. Counselors are trained to listen, not to judge, and to help you find a way to deal with what happened.

I was 37 before I ever got help for what happened to me at the age of 5. For all those years I held it in, or so I thought. But I never truly held it in. I covered it up, and did a pretty poor job of it. If I could go back in time and tell my parents what happened, if I could have gotten help sooner, I'd do it in a heart beat. Hell, if I'm going to go back in time, I'd go back and beg my parents not to let my cousin babysit me ever. Sadly I can't do that. What's done is done, I've had to live with what was done to me, and I have lived, but my life has definitely been better since I started counseling.

Talk to your parents, tell them you're having a hard time dealing with this, that you would like to go to counseling. That part won't be easy at first either, because talking about it does bring everything back, but, the more you talk about it, the easier it gets.

At least give counseling a try. Not just one or two sessions, but a good honest try, which means you have to meet the counselor half way. Okay?

I really would hate to see this ruin your life because you somehow feel that you should be punished, when you did nothing wrong.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I feel ashamed for what has happened I guess I'm just scared what a councillor would think of me or anyone would think of me for what I've done. I don't know if I could sit there and tell someone what happened all over again. But I don't won't to feel like this for ever and I've tried not to think about it and it's all I seem to think about and if you say it helps I suppose I should give it a try.

---

But the issue is not what YOU did. The issue is what HE did. I can't emphasize enough that YOU are the victim here. Some people will think badly of you but most will understand that he is the one to blame here.

Go to your mother and ask her to call the people they recommended you talk to.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I'm just scared what a councillor would think of me or anyone would think of me for what I've done.

---

I'm a counselor, and the same kind of counselor I hope you will go to. You really do need to do this. A counselor will not blame you or judge you, but will help you work through all your anger and pain and false guilt, and then will help you realize HE is the bad person and the one who needs be ashamed, not you.

I don't know how many times a client has said to me, "This is going to shock you." So far, I haven't been shocked because I know how much that client was suffering and how that client needed to talk about what had happened. Every single one of them eventually said, "I am so very glad I came to counseling." And that's the honest truth.

Well I spoke to my mum that was not easy she said she has already made an appointment for me. She keeps on crying I don't understand why she's crying I'd rather her just be mad at me. People my age have sex all the time I know it's a stupid thing to do but it happens so I don't understand why she's so upset about me. I know you all told me it's because of my age it's illegal. But I just want to be able to understand how she's feeling. I don't want her to cry it makes me feel terrible. I know you said it was a the right thing to tell so it never happens again but it just made things horrible. But I respect the advice you all have given me and relise that I probably don't know what's best for me, obviously look at the choices I made, so I'm going to give this talking ago.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

She keeps on crying I don't understand why shes crying I'd rather her just be mad at me.

---

I'm betting she isn't crying because she is mad at you. I'm betting she's crying because he stole your innocence, your virginity. I don't have daughters, but if you were mine, I'd be crying too and very, very angry at that male (who is married! And has kids of his own!! Whom she trusted to allow her daughter to work for him!! ) who did this to you.

Well I don't suppose there is anything I can say to her to make her stop crying. I don't want her to be upset

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

Well I spoke to my mum that was not easy she said she has already made an appointment for me. She keeps on crying I don't understand why shes crying I'd rather her just be mad at me. People my age have sex all the time I know it's a stupid thing to do but it happens so I don't understand why she's so upset about me. I know you all told me it's because of my age it's illegal. But I just want to be able to understand how she's feeling. I don't want her to cry it makes me feel terrible. I know you said it was a the right thing to tell so it never happens again but it just made things horrible. But I respect the advice you all have given me and relise that I probaly don't know what's best for me, obviously look at the choices I made, so I'm going to give this talking ago.

---

Sweetie, she's crying because you were raped, she wasn't there to protect you, she trusted this man and let you babysit for him and his wife, and he took advantage of you. She probably feels guilty, feels that she should have been able to prevent it somehow. That's what moms do. You'll understand better when you're a mom.

She feels helpless right now, she feels angry (not at you, at him), she feels scared because it happened and she couldn't protect you. She probably feels like going over to his home and making sure he never has the chance to do this to anyone else. She's probably remembering all the times you were babysitting when she thought you were safe, and you weren't. You're her little girl. No matter how old you get, even when you're an adult, you'll always be her little girl.

Talk to her, let her know how you're feeling, let her know that seeing her cry makes you feel worse, let her know that you wish you'd never told her because you feel that it made things worse. Let her know that you love her, and that her not talking to you is scaring you, and making you feel like she blames you. Give her a chance to realize that she's not being supportive right now. But, realize that she is human. I realize that to kids moms are superhuman, supposed to be able to take anything, and handle anything, but we moms are human, and at times we really don't know what to do, and when it comes to our kids, not knowing what to do, or how to handle something, is very scary.

Adrian, maybe you should ask your mother to join this site, read everything we've written from the beginning to the end, and talk to us about it. It may help her to come here and talk to us, get our opinion, and get some help too. She needs help right now just as much as you do.

I will ask her and thanks for helping me understand how mum is feeling I don't know if I will talk to her about how I'm feeling though I don't want her to feel worse.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I will ask her and thanks for helping me understand how mum is feeling I don't know if I will talk to her about how I'm feeling though I don't want her to feel worse.

---

You're the child, it's her job to help. You won't make her feel worse. In fact, talking to her about it, explaining how you feel, may make her feel better, because being a mother to you, and helping you get through this, is what she does. Being given the chance to help will make her stop thinking about her issues with this, and help her to concentrate on what's important right now, which is you.

Sometimes we moms need a bit of a slap. Not a real slap, but something to make us snap out of the "it's all my fault, I should have protected her, I should have known, I should have been able to stop this" and into "I need to help her, I need to be a mom right now, I need to suck it up and realize this isn't about me, it's about my child", mode.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I will ask her and thanks for helping me understand how mum is feeling I don't know if I will talk to her about how I'm feeling though I don't want her to feel worse.

---

If anything, reading this will make her feel a little better because she will know how much total strangers are angry and upset about this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If anything, reading this will make her feel a little better because she will know how much total strangers are angry and upset about this.

---

Exactly. She'll also know that we understand how she's feeling as well, because we're all moms, or dads.

Truth is, Adrian isn't the only one that needs help dealing with this. Mom and Dad do too.

I agree having your parents participate in this thread is a good idea. WG and Alty have nailed it on the head. Mom is crying not because she's mad at you but because she couldn't protect you.

The fact that she already made an appointment with a counselor for you shows this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If anything, reading this will make her feel a little better because she will know how much total strangers are angry and upset about this.

---

It will also show her that we aren't blaming her. There is support for her and your father here, too.

The only person who deserves to take the blame is the person who took advantage of you.

You and your family deserve compassion and understanding.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

Well I spoke to my mum that was not easy she said she has already made an appointment for me. She keeps on crying I don't understand why shes crying I'd rather her just be mad at me. People my age have sex all the time I know it's a stupid thing to do but it happens so I don't understand why she's so upset about me. I know you all told me it's because of my age it's illegal. But I just want to be able to understand how she's feeling. I don't want her to cry it makes me feel terrible. I know you said it was a the right thing to tell so it never happens again but it just made things horrible. But I respect the advice you all have given me and relise that I probaly don't know what's best for me, obviously look at the choices I made, so I'm going to give this talking ago.

---

She's crying because she feels badly to have trusted for you to babysit for this family. She's crying because you are more precious to her than you will ever know. And she's crying because she wanted your first sexual experience to be with a man you truly loved and who loved you back, and for you to be old enough to enter into it as a mature adult woman, with full consent. As she sees you work through it and sees this incident has not ruined your life or future, she will feel better. We moms care more about what happens to our children than what happens to ourselves. She's probably crying some out of anger, too, at this man.

When you are in counseling, they will explain that you really weren't old enough or mature or experienced enough to be allowed to "choose" this. It's not unusual for a young girl or guy to be willing to consent to sex with an adult, but the way it's supposed to work is that the adult is supposed to actually act like an adult in the situation. Even if you threw yourself at the guy, his responsibility as the adult was to say, "you are not old enough and I am a married man. It would be wrong for me to do anything like that with you and it's wrong for you to do those things with anyone until you are older." He orchestrated the opportunity and set no boundaries, and that is why he is wrong in the situation.

Good for you for telling your mom. Things will get better now - no secrets from your folks, and you can get counseling and learn how to identify when someone is taking advantage of you in the future, and can move past it.

Thank you everybody for all your help. I think my mum read this thread. She spoke to me today we had along talk about everything. You were right she's not mad at me just a little disappointed but I understand I deserve that. I go see a councillor tomorrow I feel a little better already just talking to mum. She said dad was just angry when he said those bad things about me and that he just needs time to cool down so I've been staying away from him.

If I were his wife I would want you to tell me. If you were my daughter I would want you to tell me. I really think you need to say something. He definitely took advantage of you. Unfortunately he will continue to do this to other girls as long as he's able. Stand up for yourself girl. I don't think you will ever regret standing up for yourself but years from now, as an adult, you will look back and see what a creep this guy is, and you will regret not saying something. Listen to what we are telling you. There's a reason.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

Thankyou everybody for all your help. I think my mum read this thread. She spoke to me today we had along talk about everything. You were right she's not mad at me just a little disappointed but I understand I deserve that. I go see a councillor tomorrow I feel a little better already just talking to mum. She said dad was just angry when he said those bad things about me and that he just needs time to cool down so I've been staying away from him.

---

Adrian, A lot of use help out at this site for just such threads as this one. Your situation and the way its panning out helps us feel our efforts were worthwhile. So you have helped us too. We will continue to be here for you and your family. Please keep talking to us and keeping us posted as to how this progresses.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ezesince1987

If i were his wife i would want you to tell me. If you were my daughter I would want you to tell me. I really think you need to say something.

---

When you have a thread this long please read it through before responding. Had you done so you would have since that Adrian has been very brave and did report her rape. So your advice is way late.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

Thankyou everybody for all your help. I think my mum read this thread. She spoke to me today we had along talk about everything. You were right she's not mad at me just a little disappointed but I understand I deserve that. I go see a councillor tomorrow I feel a little better already just talking to mum. She said dad was just angry when he said those bad things about me and that he just needs time to cool down so I've been staying away from him.

---

I'm so glad you and your mom talked. Remember, for dad it's anger, not at you (sadly he seems to be lashing at you) but at this man that took advantage of his baby girl. For moms it's emotional, for most dads it's more than emotion, they want to kill the man that did this to their child, they want to fight to protect their child. But dad can't do that, he'd be the one that ended up in jail if he did.

He has no outlet to get rid of this anger, so he's taking it out on the one person that isn't to blame, and that's you. Dad needs time. That's all.

Moms hug and kiss the booboo better, dads get mad because there is a booboo. Men are fixers, and when it comes to something like this, that they can't fix, they often don't deal with it very well. Give him time okay? He loves you, he just doesn't know how to handle this right now.

I went to my appointment today I don't like it I found it very uncomfortable talking to someone I don't know. At least on this site I don't have to sit in front of someone and look at them and talk. I don't even know this person it feels weird. I don't know how it's going to help it just makes me feel uncomfortable but I promised myself to try as you all said it was a good idea.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I went to my appointment today I don't like it I found it very uncomfortable talking to someone I don't know. At least on this site I don't have to sit in front of someone and look at them and talk. I don't even know this person it feels weird. I don't know how it's gonna help it just makes me feel uncomfortable but I promised myself to try as you all said it was a good idea.

---

Yes, your counselor is a stranger. Give her a chance. The first session or two or even three should be a "getting to know you" time. Is that being done?

One of my girl clients was very shy and didn't want to talk, but she loved art, so we drew horses and dogs and other pictures until she felt comfortable with me. During that drawing time, we didn't talk therapy stuff, just got to know each other.

Another girl client wanted to be a cheerleader, and it turned out she didn't know her times tables, so at the first sessions and now and then during a break in talking, we made up cheers with times problems -- "Give me a 6 times 7. What do you get? 42!!! Yay!"

I always tried to figure out ways to get to know my clients and help both of us feel comfortable One of my male clients was from the Philippines and told me I didn't know anything about him or his culture. My best friend happened to be a Filipina nurse, so my client and I talked about how many people from his country go into medicine. His sisters were nurses. He never missed a session after that!

It just feels strange sitting there answering questions about myself. I just don't like it I feel uncomfortable I feel like I'm back at the police station getting asked a million questions about my life. But I suppose it will get better maybe I should have just waited a little while before I went

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

It just feels strange sitting there answering questions about myself. I just don't like it I feel uncomfortable I feel like I'm back at the police station getting asked a million questions about my life. But I suppose it will get better maybe I should of just waited a little while before I went

---

How about doing this -- tell the counselor exactly that, that you feel very uncomfortable answering questions about yourself, like you are on a personal Jeopardy TV show or being cross-examined or something.

Would you be willing to write stuff down instead of talking out loud?

Remember also that the counselor needs to get to know you to understand how you feel before they can help you. It might help to suggest to the counselor to read this thread too. That might give her a head start.

I suppose that would be heaps easier to write it down. Would they let me do that. I'm not to sure why I'm going I can't see myself really being able to do this but I'll keep going.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I suppose that would be heaps easier to write it down. Would they let me do that. I'm not to sure why I'm going I can't see myself really being able to do this but I'll keep going.

---

Of course you can! You are the client and counseling is for YOU! Whatever works for you is what should work for the counselor. Art, writing, doing cheers, even singing. Like Scott said, print out this thread and let her read it.

As a counselor, I want to keep up with this and know what is going on. I'm nosy that way.

Thanks that would be easier to let her read this thread I supposed. I'm just a bit unsure how I feel about this whole talking thing. It's another person that will know who I am and what I've done. Anyway I should suck it up and just do this

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

Thanks that would be easier to let her read this thread I supposed. I'm just a bit unsure how I feel about this whole talking thing. It's another person that will know who I am and what I've done. Anyway I should suck it up and just do this

---

But she is bound to keep anything you say confidential. Make sure of that by asking her. And keep me (us) informed about how this goes!

If it's a good counselor, she will let you go at your own pace, work with what makes you feel more comfortable. She will also make you feel more comfortable and, in time, you will open up more. Remember what you get out of counseling depends on what you put into it.

But also, we can only do so much for you. You need a professional who can spend more than a few second responding to posts. We can help, but you need someone to open up to.