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I cannot take her decsion as gospal - being as it is in a bid to make me feel guilty - I know that she may change her mind again - but if I am honest I just want to say yes to Kelly and tell my mum to shove it. That's how upset and angry she has made me! - but the only trouble with that is I have a conscience which will only come back to haunt me I leave everything on bad terms.
After reading the posts above, I might have something to add:
It regards especially your last question.
I think your mother got scared. The fact that you were considering another possibility beside automatically agree like your brother, made her made that you're an adult, a person your own, and one of these days you'll spread your wings, and fly...
She's probably not prepared to face this as yet. She might fee guilty about not being able to accept this, and, maybe, also about not being able to pay for the house on her own. Maybe even angry with herself?
I don't any answers, just making assumptions - you'll probably will know better.
In any case, she probably can't face these feelings, so she's projecting the guilt over you.
She sort of made it easier for you two, though I bet she's not aware of it.
You seem "ripe" to move out, and this is probably the best thing for everyone - for pete too - he has to stand on his own feet as well.
She feels it's the best for everyone, but in a way, she can't accept it.
Don't be worried about what she says about you,if she's used to blame you, you must get used not to be hurt about it. I know it's easier said than done, but for your own sake, you must not let this harm you.
I wish you the best of luck,
Millie
I understand its even harder as this has got to do with your family.Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ 'H'
But see it as your mum made her decission and with her decission made i.e selling the house, then just stand on own 2 feet and go live with kelly.
That's what I would do.
And if your mum says anything, just tell her that u decided to live with kelly as your mum made it perfectly clear she is selling.
You may be partially right - but why tell me I am unreliable & selfish, why am I to blame? And why treat me this way.
She won't give me any of these answers - only replies - "its not about you - you always think its about you"
She even used my little brother as a weapon against me this morning just because he was crying. I know he is 9yrs old and its as hard on him as it is the rest of us - but he is going to be fine. Its my older brother and I who will suffer. Even she will be fine!
If she ant careful we won't have a family left? She is doing agreat job at tearing us aprt- when she reckons she is trying to keep us together.
Because I lost my temper with her she started saying that I have no respect for her, or anyone else! - but if anything she has no respect for me.
I am so sorry to bombard you with all this - but I am just so stressed out and confused and Pete is being fantatsic - but he does not understand as he has never had to deal with anything like this before. I was an 1hr late for work this morning because of my Mum?
Well with your mum giving you answers like those - its not about you etc.. Then just try accept it.
I can't answer your question why she is saying your unreliable and selfish, I mean me personally from reading what you wrote about this, you are the total opposite. Maybe your mum feels upset that you even needed time to think about this decission she may had assumed you would automatically say you'd stay at home.
Hey, DJ,
Tearing your family apart? Do you mean not living together, or do you mean where members of the family won't speak to each other.
You are ready to face life, as it is... not living with your immediate family. It's hard to "break the ties" with a family, and move out. It means change, and that's not always easy to do.
You are not to blame. All "birds must leave the next" someday, and make their own way. Sounds like it's time for you to do the same. I'm not saying your Mom is doing this, but many Moms try to "lay a guilt trip" on members of their family. Some keep doing it the rest of their lives, and some "wake up" and stop it after some time.
Are you really taking this the wrong way? It's not really about you! It's about her.
Your Mom has been through a break-up, now selling the house, and it's putting a lot of pressure and stress on her. She is absolutely right in saying "it's not about you"... It's about her.
Your family will survive, and you will, too. This is probably the first time you are going out on your own... it's scary. Most of us do it, sooner or later. You are not alone. Best wishes.
What she thinks about me isn't true. I am sincere in what I am saying! I have been in tears so many times over this, and I feel really bad for putting Pete through all of this!
And that is the problem. If I had nodded and agreed like my older brother without questioning things and thinking things through - she would have been fine.
She has to understand I am 22yrs not a teenager. Jesushelper is right, I can't let her make me feel guilty and I can't let her use me as a skapegoat.
She is either prepared to listen to what I have to say (this evening when I return) like a mature adult, absorb it, think about it then tell me what she decides or she carries on doing as she did this morning and leaves me with no option but to walk away!
I told kelly at the weekend I was revising the situation and would let her know asap so that I did not mess her around. I also did tell her not to wait on me. If someone gets there before I do, then I will have to rethink my options.
Big deep breath
Big step back
Calm.. . Calm.. . Calm.. .
Take a break for many good reasons.. .
Change the channel, isn't the weather lovely?
Repeat as often as necessary
You can return to it later in better shape
(hug)
I know it's hard for my mum - but I was entitled to think things through and ask why? To help me decide. My mum is asking a lot of me and my older brother and I wanted to be 100% sure that this right for all of us (not just me). Because no matter what, the house will have to be sold when either my older brother or I move out anyway.Quote:
Originally Posted by fredg
I did not know whether it was right or not for the family to stay there and delay the ineviatable.
Things have already changed and more change will happen whether is now or later.
If the house does get Sold then I know My Mum and little brother will cope just fine, I most probably will too - it's my older brother I worry about? He is not at the stage where he is ready to kove out and I am not even sure he would be able to cope with it? - which is what made me decide to stay at home in the first place. I put them first.
My Mum just decided to flip out at me this morning, based on assumption, and I don't even know where it came from.
You should try and worry for yourself now honey, I'm sure your older brother knows what he is doing and accapable of doing what's right for him :)
That's what Pete thinks - that I should just walk away and just worry about myself. But sometimes walking away does not solve anything.
I told mum I did not want to see her struggle like she did with my brothetr and I - but in all honesty its different this time.
My dad would not pay maintenance for my older brother and I. My mum survived on benefits etc.
This time round my mum has her own business, my step dad always makes sure my little bro isn't without and has everything he needs and would help Mum out if she was in need. She is the mother of his child after all and he is a decent human being.
But you're not walking away or running away from this problem. It's a decission you made that you think YOU will benefit out of.. that's all :)
Don't be hard on yourself girl xx
You are right, but my mum will never see it that way! I really don't want to leave everything on bad terms. I just know that if I leave she will stop speaking to me - and she will tell the rest of the family what she believes is the truth and they will stop speaking to me or will start giving me a hard time. Its happened before. I am not sure I could cope with it. Especially since I am need of emotional support!Quote:
Originally Posted by Krs
Than your mum herself to me is being selfish.. no offence. I don't know your mum but it seems to me that she is hurt and probably wishs you to stay with her but she is taking this in a wrong manner, and she is loving you in a selfish way.
Hope that didn't sound bad, I'm not judging your mum xx
Not at all - she is being selfish! She is having a go at me for something she is ding. Her anguish towards me s probably for pointing out the truth.
They do say "The truth hurts".
It does.
I hope all works out for you, keep me posted, and if you need anything you know where to find me :) :) xx
Thank you Krs and thank you to everyone else for all your support! I am having a really hard time with this and feel like falling apart - but I refuse to let it come to that and your help & support is greatly appreciated!
Holly,
I just would like to add as well. That My wife's mother had a really hard time letting go of her daughter. When marriage and moving out came up even though my wife was 27. The control, the guilt trips and a whole bunch of other stuff all of a sudden came up. Next thing you know I am the bad guy and I am controlling her daughter because for the first time in her life she is standing up to her mother and actually making up her own mind about her own life and her mother and sister did not like this at all. They made our life miserable. Her mother and her sister tried to do everything to cause her to feel so bad. My view is with that situation and with your situation is that your mom knows that you are your own person, that you do think for yourself and that you are growing up. My view is that a parents job is to raise their children so when the time is right they are independent and able to grow and eventually live out their own life. Some mothers hate when that happens and they do not want to let go and they will do everything in their power to hold on even tighter but sometimes that has an opposite effect. My wife actually told her mother if you continue with the threats, the guilt trips and so forth Do you want to lose me altogether. For the longest time we did not get to gether with family, she did not phone or write to her mother. Now her mother realizes that she was the problem and that in order to be close with her daughter she needs to stop the guilt trips and actually talk to her daughter instead of making her feel like crap. It is a lot better now. So things will calm down and as far as I can see My wife's mother and your mother are being selfish and the whole point of being a parent is to raise independent children that rely on themselves but are not there to live the lives of the parents. Oh I think I am going on too much. Sorry. This kind of situation hits a nerve with me with my wife's family and my own.
Joe
Of course your mom is upset as she sees her life changing and she feels helpless, but if you think on it, selling the house would relieve the pressure off everyone and all would be free to live as they want. Unfortunately the good of selling and going somewhere affordable will not be realised until much later down the road. For now understand the pressure your mother is under. And don't worry about the hissy fits and make your decision based on YOU! Everyone will have to adjust and live their own lives. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to do nothing, Let them help themselves! :cool: ;)
I agree Talaniman, I forgot to write that as well, but was thinking it. Everybody is under a lot of stress, and many changes are coming. In the long run the changes will be good for everybody.
I know you are right Jesushelper. That's why I have decided to give my mum one more chance.
I will try to talk to her like a mture adult, will not raise my voice and tell her what I am prepared to do. She can then sit on it for a bit and see if she is prepared to compromise,
If not then I will tell Kelly I will move in with her and then leave my mum etc to sort themselves out!
Well with a bit of luck she will have had time to think and cool down. The only thing I fear is her not listening and telling me to go away! - I don't have a relationship with my Dad because he rejected me and let me down. It would be hard to lose my Mum as well.
At least I know my Step-dad will always be there for me. He is about the only one not giving me any grief!
Good luck for this evening when u chat to your mum.
I hope all goes well for you xxx
Well my phone signal has been down for the last 3hrs. I have just listen to my voicemails and there was a rather angry message from my mum asking me to call her. - I really don't want to face my mum now at all?
Talk to her and make give you a full explanation why she is so angry!
You can not control somebody else's reaction. It is a good idea to sit down with your mum and talk to her. Also as krs said you will be able to find out why she is so angry. It is better to have it out and figure things out. There is a good way and a bad way to do it. Yelling and screaming will not solve anything. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it is needed but cool heads will prevail.
Joe
Dear DJ. I hope with all my heart that you'll not be so hard on yourself, no matter what choice you make in the long-run.
Your mom should understand that she made a few mistakes in her life and that it's NOT her children's responsibility to fix them. She's the adult in this scenario and should act accordingly.
One should not pressure the children into feeling they should drop everything to ensure the comfort and convenience for something they had no power over in the first place.
She did not ask you permission when she picked your step-father; did not ask your permission to marry him; and certainly cannot blame any one of you because this relationship put her in a situation she is in now.
It's a parent's responsibility and duty to be there for the children, not the other way around. If she has to blame someone, she should have a good talk with your step-dad, and/or a lawyer to take care of financial issues instead of making you bear the burden of her frustrations.
I know this is not helping you get the issue solved, but you needed to know that you are not responsible for your mother's choices in life.
Wishing you the best with all my heart, Chery
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif
My parents divorced too but it was a pretty dysfuntional household long before that. I remember how hard it was, the confusion at times overwhelming, the deep sadness later.
Focus on who you are, DjH. I see a terrific person on that website even if your mum doesn't.
It will get better as you pull away and to establish your own independent life.
I send my sympathies to you meanwhile. :(
How did everything go last night with your mum?
well I got home last night to find I was being ignored.
My mum would not enter any room I was in to begin with and then when she did, I may very well have been invisable.
The thick dark cloud that surrounded her made me fail any attempt to talk to her. My nan was there and even she was being a little off with me and I could tell by her facial expression that my mum had obviously been talking me down!
However I kept quiet and just did my own thing!
I did however take something my Mum said and perhaps another option that had been overlooked and may very well be a possibility if I can actually get everyone to sit down and talk.
If the house gets sold then My mum and step Dad will take 50% of whatever is left once all expenses have been covered.
The house we bought nearly 4yrs ago has been done up so much that we will easily have added great value to the house.
Anyway with this in mind both my mum and step dad willhave enough money to put down a deposit on another, smaller house each.
Now if my mum take my older brother (Lee) to live with her and younger brother - then she can still get a smaller house in a cheaper area and with Lee paying rent she will live comfortably as will my two brothers.
Now my step-dad is on his own, if I was to go and live with him, he would not be on his own, would again have me paying rent and Jake would feel at home at either houses.
I would then get on much better with my Mum and older Brother and have the best of both worlds - that of living an independent life but still having a parental figure around.
The only problem I have is tryiong to get everyone to agree to this.
I think I will go and visit my Step-dad and see what he thinks and then see if he can suggest this to my Mum - seen as they are on better more amical termes than my Mum and I are at the moment.
The only thing I can see is my Mum is ging to think I am going against her rather than trying to help her! - not sure how I will get around that - but I guess it's worth a try.
Obviously selling houses and buying hiuses all take time - so on a temporary basis I could move in with Kelly! - I would then be out of the firing range; have the opportunity to work on my Mum to try and get some sort of relationship back - and relieve my stress levels and above all make my world a happier place for Pete to be.
I was in a much ahppier place with Pete last night - talking to all of you made that happen - so thank you for your support and for being here for me!
You are all fantastic people and I value each of you greatly xxx
hat do you all think?
That's a good idea to go live with your step-dad.
Just have to see if he and the others will go for it and check that its doable.
It is too bad that they were giving you the cold shoulder. Its very childish. I think it is a good idea. Go for it.
Joe
If that is not bad enough - she has started having a go at me me for alsorts now. Any little thing that annoys her she blaes me for whether it is my fault or not.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesushelper76
She even called me a ***** this morning just because I was trying to let her vehaviour go over my head and resisted her comments. - she has seriously blown it and as soon as I have my fnds together I am go to move in with Kelly on a Temporary basis and talk to my step dad about living together.
Yes do that DJ H, then your mum will realise what a big mistake she did, and probably ask for you forgiveness. Xxx
I am just so sick of her at the moment and I reallt cannot cope with anymore. She is even blanking Pete now!
Holly,
Get used to it. My wife is telling me about how many things are my fault according the mother in law. Just because I encourage my wife to be her own person and stand up for herself and make decisions that make her happy. Next thing you know it is my fault she is changing and blah blah blah blah. Anyway, you know what is right and wrong and I know it is hard right now but you need to think about what makes you happy and what decisions you personally need in your life to fulfill it no matter what. Good luck!
Joe
I know you are right joe - so whatever happens it will be for the best.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesushelper76
One of our cats gave birth to 4 beautiful kittens last night - so my Mum is talking to me now. My mum is going on holiday for a week and needs me to be at home to look after the cat & kittens. So now she needs me, she is being nice. She really has lost the plot.
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