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You are right about one thing is that I don't need to subject myself to this and I am not any more. Is it wrong for me to keep my distance from my parents and my sister?
I am not doubting your love for your family, nor do I doubt that you are a good person, and give of yourself. Each post you write, that becomes more and more clear.
It is all about who's needs are being met. Your mother does her thing by complaining about your sister to you, venting and letting out her frustrations. She then feels better, knowing that she has put some of her burden upon you. Your sister has benefited by knowing that regardless of how your mother treats you, you will ultimately help her out, no matter what she says. Your sister also benefits in many other ways as you know, and now has managed to ruin your vacation, because she too feels her needs are met by going too. Your mother allows it, probably to keep the peace and do what she feels is the right thing for whatever reasons. They are her reasons, her call.
What you don't see is that, even though this is your family and you love them regardless of the way they treat you, you do have some control over allowing this to happen. I am talking about YOUR needs here. What do you need from them, and why do you subject yourself to making sure their needs are met, while you aren't taking care of your own.
Changes are hard to make, and you have to be careful that if you decide to stop punishing yourself by continuously being at their mercy, it has to stick, or you'll end up right back where you were.
If you could even just realize that by you not allowing to be subjected to the problems in the family that have nothing to do with you for the most part, putting the recent vacation fiasco aside for a second, and let your mother, and your sister, solve their own problems without you, you will be taking yourself out of satisfying their needs by having you as a sounding board, and preserving your own, which is not to be subject to the ups and downs of their relationship.
And it is as simple as that, and I do understand what you are going through, and yes, I have done this myself, years ago, with my younger sister, who is now 50. She actually reminds me of your sister in many ways. She was never allowed to grow up is what it essentially boils down to. It was only when my mother died, that she had to stand on her own two feet, and not borrow mine.
I had years ago sat in on yet another conversation about how she was going to attend school (again), and that mom was footing the bill (again), and this 'was it', she was finally turning the corner. Well, I finally realized that nothing I said or did was going to change anything, and I did what I advised you to do. I let go of jumping in there and 'helping', and took a step back and saw it for what it was.
I steered conversations away from them, and their troubles, and stopped bailing everybody out, and realized my shoulders were only so big for all the emotional baggage they dumped on them. It was affecting my marriage, my health, and my energy particularly because my life revolved around their ups and downs; one crisis after another.
My mother incidentally had a condo in Florida that I never went to, but the two of them had regular vacations there, and other exotic places. After a while, it really didn't bother me, and I was just as happy sitting in my backyard enjoying my own space, without the stress.
It is liberating to free yourself of other people's problems, even if it is your family. Their relationship has nothing to do with your happiness, your peace of mind, or your bank account so to speak, or anything else.
I know you don't want to hear it, but your life is your life. How you live it, is up to you, and how you have your needs met- only you can decide.
It is not wrong to keep your distance from your sister or mother. Incorporate the distance appropriately. For instance, if your mother is in a snit over your sister being lazy, say, "mom, I've heard this a million times before. Can we do lunch on Thursday?". It worked for me, and as I said, it was wonderful to reclaim my sanity.
I know this is long, and I apologize, but I wanted to take one last stab at trying to have you see that the only person who can change your life, is you.
