To the OP. I can see you have been back from the comments you have posted but I still don't understand what the rift is about.

You say they would be your friends if you gave them money. Is this one of the main things that has been argued about? Did they ask you for money and offend you? Or did your refusal offend them?

You say you have different views on religion, politics, economics etc. So what? There are a wide variety of views on these issues in my family. It can lead to some lively discussions on occasions but not hostility, it justs gives us something to talk about. Last voting day we all went off to the polling station to vote for our different choices and there was a fair amount of friendly banter en-route since we hold divergent political views, but it was friendly because we all accept we each have different opinions.

You say you respect their views but they don't respect yours. What does this mean in practice? Are you, or they, taking differing opinions as personal attacks?

Having different opinions in no way stops people having healthy relationships in itself, so how exactly is this causing problems?

We really do want to help you here. Please help us understand what is going on.

You are so right. Family members that give them substantial money are their friends. They shower them with letters and Photos.We are average gift givers and we get nothing. DIL sees us as the enemy. She just doesn't like us. It is as simple as that. I am about to give up on DIL. I don't think there is a answer to this problem. My husband and I will just have to deal with the cards we have been dealt. We have a life to live and it needs to be a life that is free of stress. Thank you for all your suggestions. My husband and I have tried every suggestion in the book and DIL remains the same. We have an average relationship with our son and that is all that matters.

You may just have to accept that you won't have the relationship you would like to with them. Give to the grandkids, and to your son and daughter-in-law if you want to as well, simply for the joy of giving. It is difficult sometimes, but don't expect much in return. You apparently have already discussed your feelings with them, or at least with your son, so now you will have to let it be up to them if anything changes in the future.
Don't worry about giving in order to make them like you... give because it is something you want to do. If it isn't any longer, than stop... or perhaps just send cards for occasions.
Be friendly and open when they do contact you, but do try to turn your attention elsewhere... enjoying time with your husband, taking trips together, taking up a new hobby or interest together, etc..

Your son should want to have this ,the best of all relationships going on.!
Grandparents and grandkids!

I gloried in the time my kids spent with their Gram! It touched me in a way that is priceless.

Where is your son in this issue?

Is this about jealously because you don't live as close?
Bring it out in the open and discuss it!

As grandparents you must know life is too short to waste time and words,get talking to each other and share those granbabies!

Don't let them miss out on you!
Grandparents Rock!