That's a great idea about the computer, Janine! Although, the apartment where Debbie and the kids were living has been vacated. The police went there to check it out, and it looks like she sold everything. Her phone number and utilities have been disconnected. It's all really weird. We haven't heard any news yet, either.

I am concentrating on the kids right now. Liam, the oldest of the three at age 9, has been acting up really badly... he talks back, swears at us, lies, runs away from the house for hours, is destructive and generally disrespectful, and tries to get the younger kids to follow. I understand that he's hurting right now, but at the same time we can't tolerate that behaviour. So, last night we stripped his room of all its comforts and took away his privileges. He then told us to f* off and called me the c word, but quickly took it back, because my husband was there at the time and "confronted" him about it. My husband is a big tall intimidating guy, so poor Liam was scared out of his wits. We heard him crying during the night but decided to just let him cry. This morning he was actually better behaved and asked what he could do to earn back the things we'd taken away! So I was thrilled about that. I had felt so mean. But he was really being horrid. Actually overall I think being here will be good for Liam, as he's mostly been raised by Debbie and hasn't seen his biological father for at least 2 years. At least here he has some positive male influence, which a boy of his age really needs.

Summer day camp for the kids starts tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the break!

Its so strange how she managed to disappear, and like others I have a small fret going about it on your behalf Chava. As for the kids, you will find they actually need limits and consequences and without them it gets crazy. So its sometimes better to see the big picture where kindness may not be a kindness and meaness is not really mean at all. You are doing well - makes me almost want to go to summer camp too! Lanyards and painted plaster casts and beaded boxes here we come!!

Yeah the whole disappearance thing is very, very strange. It doesn't seem to me that she's dead, though. I know it's kind of weird for me to say that I know whether she's dead, but I have a kind of a sixth sense about these things sometimes. I think she's gone away somewhere... to hide. I do hope she is all right. Actually we are trying to think of where she might go for a break, a favorite spot of hers, etc.

Yes summer camp can be very fun. I remember making Mexican gods eyes, macramé bracelets, necklaces out of round wood pieces, macaroni art, etc... I also really liked the sports, nature hikes and canoeing. I hope the kids, especially the "visitors", get a lot out of camp. I especially hope it exhausts them so they are quiet in the evenings, lol.

Some of us have to deal with grief in our own way. I know I was one of those types of kids that spent a lot of time alone thinking and dealing with the painful things in my life. I have to say that I don't think it's "weird" for you to know that she's not dead. At the age of six or seven I started crying hysterically and my mother couldn't calm me down. I knew my grandfather had passed on an hour before my mom got the phone call. It scared her half to death that I would know something like that when it happened. I do hope all the kids have fun at camp and come back with an attitude change. Now what happens if she doesn't come back for a long time? This is a question you need to ask yourself too. These kids are going to need stability and I know you can give them this, but are you ready too is another question. Debbie obviously left them with you for that reason considering the other two you've taken in. She had this planned for awhile and though seriously about what she needed to do to escape. I would hate to see them move into state custody... I know this is a lot for you to take on right now... I honestly worry more about the children than Debbie. She's a grown woman and probably fully aware of her choices... Even if she's not in the right mind to make them...

Well it's nice to know I'm not the only one with the "sixth sense" or whatever you want to call it... I've had similar experiences to you, Myth... I sensed when a friend of mine died, too. I didn't exactly articulate into words, but when I heard she was dead I was not at all surprised; it was like I already knew she was dead. I don't have a good feeling about Debbie right now, but I do feel that she's still among the living!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Myth

Now what happens if she doesn't come back for a long time? This is a question you need to ask yourself too. These kids are going to need stability and I know you can give them this, but are you ready too is another question. Debbie obviously left them with you for that reason considering the other two you've taken in. She had this planned for awhile and thought seriously about what she needed to do to escape.

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YIKES yes I know! It's the question I've been trying to avoid thinking about, but as the days pass and there is still no word from Debbie, we're going to need to deal with it. I also don't want to see them put in care. You make a very good point about Debbie leaving them with us because we have adopted Sam's kids (Alex's brother who died). I am sure that's why, too. Plus we are the only family really equipped to take the kids... the grandparents are too old and Alex's mom has a serious lung condition which takes up a lot of her and her husband's time... in fact I'm not even sure she's going to live much longer because of it. So who does that leave? Alex's single younger brother who's still in university and US. So of course we get the kids... yipppeee. :rolleyes:

Financially we are able to take them, and Alex's parents have already offered more money if the children stay with us longterm (money is their solution for everything!) I also have a live-in housekeeper / nanny, although she's off for the summer and comes back end of August. So really I am very fortunate with all the support that is around me. Emotionally though I'm not sure I'm ready for MORE children... sigh. But is there really any alternative?? Even if Debbie comes back, the police say the longer she stays away the fewer rights she has regarding her kids. Like already she's going to have to fight to prove she can look after them. We've already had a visit from a social worker to discuss our suitability to look after the children (we called CFS on our own, on purpose, for that reason). It seems that CFS and everyone else thinks we are very suitable. That's great on the one hand, but on the other hand it leaves me feeling a bit trapped. If Debbie is gone for 30 days, we then need to apply for temporary custody of the children, or else relinquish them to CFS. We can apply for custody earlier if we like, but 30 days is the deadline, apparently. The social worker thinks we will have no trouble getting temporary custody, given that we are blood relatives, have the means to look after the kids, and plus the foster care system is really overloaded and there is a shortage of available homes. If they were put in the system, they might also have to separated. And seeing as I've been in the system myself, I know how devastating it can be to a child. I was one of the lucky ones... a lot of my foster siblings are not doing so well in their lives now, some are in jail, some are dead, etc. So there's no way I could place these kids in that position, knowing what could happen and how it could hurt them emotionally.

If they were special needs kids, like with autism or something else very serious like that, I might consider placing them in care, since children with special needs in care often get better services and help. However, these kids, although very bratty are perfectly healthy, so there's no reason for them to be in care.

I do worry a lot more about them than about Debbie. Debbie still infuriates me actually. And I feel really put upon, although I'm trying very hard not to convey that to the children. But I do really resent that everyone seems to think Alex and I are sooo great and therefore we should take care of all the kids... like really, we have ALL the kids on his side of the family now!! Lucky for us I don't have any biological siblings!! :eek:

Anyway I guess I'm just rambling now, but you bring up some good points, Myth. I've already discussed with Alex that I want to go back into psychotherapy, couples counseling, parenting therapy or whatever if we keep the kids longterm. Otherwise this is going to be way too much. Luckily I have a wonderful, supportive husband and family!

Don't forget us here... lol... I just hope it isn't too much of a strain on you and alex hun. On the plus side your son will have a lot of people to look after him as he grows. Don't let it get you too down. And vent to us all you like I know I would if I needed too... in fact I do... lol...

It's the lack of choice in it, I think Chava. And the lack of regard for all concerned... and there is yet to be an explanation or understanding of circumstances that balances that very well. Its hard to take events that tend to stretch us a bit past our comfort zone on the basis of kismet.

Be patient and try not to think too far down the road too. Stay simple in your thoughts and actions until more is apparent. Today's view is not necessarily tomorrows?

I hope that helps a little... hug

Thanks Myth! Yes I definitely plan on continuing to vent online lol. And yes I am glad about my biological son having lots of people around... that part is great, and the kids are helping with the baby more than I had hoped. But OMG if we keep them all... :eek: They are ages 9, 8, almost 7, 5, 4 1/2, and 6 weeks... there's going to be practically one in each grade of school!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

It's the lack of choice in it, I think Chava. And the lack of regard for all concerned... and there is yet to be an explanation or understanding of circumstances that balances that very well. Its hard to take events that tend to stretch us a bit past our comfort zone on the basis of kismet.

Be patient and try not to think too far down the road too. Stay simple in your thoughts and actions until more is apparent. Today's view is not necessarily tomorrows?

I hope that helps a little... hug

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Oh thanks to you as well Val... you must have posted at the same time as me.

YES lack of choice is a big reason why I'm upset. We were given a choice with the 2 we adopted... we agreed to take them when their parents were still alive. Of course we never expected the deaths to be so soon, but at least it wasn't a conscious decision on the parents' parts. They didn't abandon their kids the way Debbie did with hers! :mad:

I am trying to think about the future, yet not think too much about the future, have some positive feelings for Debbie, yet deal with my anger towards her, take care of the kids, get attached but not too attached... ugh. It's all a big jumble still... but thanks for your concern, I really appreciate it! :)

And like part of me feels like saying YOU KNOW WHAT, DEBBIE?? **** OFF, WE'RE ADOPTING YOUR KIDS AND DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK YOU STUPID ****!! LOL.

Yes we post like ships passing in the night, Girl!

So...
One day at a time...
Breathe breathe breathe...
Keep it simple...
More shall be revealed to you...
There, do you feel like you are in a Parents Anonymous meeting yet?? LOL
People are pretty screwed up and others suffer along with them, sadly. Not fair.

Bleah I have insomnia, AGAIN! It's 3 am here. This always happens to me when I am worried or stressed...

Well, it's officially a week today that Debbie took off. It gets scarier and scarier the longer she's gone. Like OMG WHERE IS SHE?? Today her youngest asked me why does Mommy hate me so much? :( And when I tried to talk to her oldest about her earlier today, he turned up the volume on the TV and was trying not to cry. And the middle child asked if Debbie came back, would he have to go home with her, or could he stay with us?

At least she could have left them some kind of note, like to say bye or Mommy loves you but is going away for a while, or whatever. I mean obviously she was planning to take off, so she could have planned to make it a bit easier on the kids, too.

I sincerely hope that I never become so self-centred or mentally ill or whatever that I decide it's okay to take off on my precious baby or any of the other kids for that matter... god it makes me sick just thinking about it!!

Anyway obviously I am tired and rambling, but I couldn't believe it's a week already... wow.

A week already. Well I am still up and it is 5:30 in the morning here right now. The kids are traumatized being left like that. I hope they find her soon. Until then my prays are with you and the whole family.

Joe

Well, as a quick update, my husband and I are back home from our trip. We've been back since the weekend actually, but I haven't had time to be on here much. There has been no further news on Debbie (it's now 3 weeks since she disappeared). So, we are now going on the assumption that she will not be returning, at least not anytime soon. Which means we have applied for temporary custody of the children.

Because of this, I doubt I will have much time to be on the askme site, at least until September when the children go back to school. I feel I need to devote as much of my time as possible to them.

So, thanks everyone for your comments and support... I will try to come on when I can, but I likely won't be really active again until September. Hope you all have a great rest of the summer!

Thanks for checking in with us Chava, we were beginning to wonder if you are all right. I understand about being so busy and wish you a wonderful summer as well. Meanwhile, I'll be keeping an eye out for you here too. I miss you, Girl!

Thanks for the welcome back everyone. I'm on for about 30 minutes tonight, at least I hope I can have an uninterrupted 30 minutes! :rolleyes:

Alex and I had a good break, we were able to spend time together, re-group a bit and decide what we were going to do about the kids. It seems unreal that we are getting temporary custody, but honestly I'm not sure what else can be done. No one else in the family can take them, so the only other alternative is foster care. And given my personal experiences in the system, I won't allow that to happen.

Debbie appears to have dropped off the face of the earth. Even if she returns soon, she will now have to fight to get her kids back. Not that we will purposely keep them from her, but the laws are such that she will now need to prove she is fit to take care of them. A social worker friend of mine said that process can take 6 months to a year or even more, once the parent applies to get the children back. Sigh. So we are in it for the long haul.

Anyway I'm going to check out some other posts quickly before all hell breaks loose again here, as it seems to in the evenings!

Wow I can't believe it's been another 12 days since I last posted in here?? :eek: It doesn't seem that long, but it's so incredibly busy around here and I haven't had time for anything except kids kids kids!!

To those of you who I have promised to write to, phone, visit, send something, etc, etc... please accept my apologies. I have NOT forgotten you. You will eventually hear from me.

Here's what's new since the last update:

No sign of Debbie whatsoever. We did contact her ex, however. He is perfectly happy to continue living overseas and have us raise his estranged children. In fact, he offered to relinquish his parental rights officially, which shocked me, to be honest!

We now have temporary custody of the children. After a certain period has elapsed, we will have permanent custody. If Debbie is a no-show for a year, we are thinking of adoption. Not that I want Debbie out of the children's lives if she returns, but I also don't want her coming back a year or more later and stirring everything up for them again, or thinking she can just automatically take them away.

The children (all of them, Debbie's and ours) are adjusting a lot better than expected. We have a large house and the kids like having others around to play with (and get into trouble with too, unfortunately!). They have fights of course but on the whole I think the kids are doing better than Alex and I are. We are still exhausted and can't wait for our housekeeper to come back from holidays. I am also starting to wish that baby Noah will never start walking or talking lol. He is so EASY right now compared to the rest of them! And do you guys realize that he is almost 3 months old now too?? He's getting to be a big boy! And he's VERY happy... he loves having all the kids and pets around. Never a dull moment in his life.

Anyway that's it for now. It's been weird not coming here or contributing as much. I've been back into the art and writing quite heavily though, and that's a good thing.

Take care everyone!

Glad to hear you are well and welcome back :)

Oh wow.

I missed this post when it started and I'm just in shock. Been dealing with the passing of a family member and another friend and out of the askme loop.

There are times when you just have to laugh. When things are so absolutely over the edge that there's just nothing else to do.

I'm amazed at all that you've been through and all you are doing.

But you are in good health. In a good relationship. You are blessed. And you are strong enough it seems to handle about anything. I'm sure some of that comes from your experiences earlier in life.

All of those children need you right now, and you are doing a wonderful job. Your generosity and caring will cascade throughout their lives, and you will be paid back with such great love when they are older and able to understand just what you have given.

Lol... I bet the kids are running you and alex ragged. I am glad to hear it though cause it means that they are adjusting quickly and well... Keep up the good work!! I can understand not being on here as much as you want to, or would like to for that matter. I can't believe Noah is almost three months... wow... oh my that means I'm three months closer to meeting mine for the first time... Well continue to fight the good fight, as exhausting as it may be... School is just around the corner and then you'll have a bit of a break. Keep us posted as much as you can.

Chava, I cannot believe it has been that long!! I hope you are getting your rest. I am sure you aren't. LOL

It is good to hear from you again. It has been a while. I am sorry you have not heard anything about Debbie.

Just remember it is only a few weeks till the housekeeper/Nanny comes back and only a few more till they go back to school. Mine start back to school on Aug 7. Rae goes into 7th grade and Johnny starts Pre-K.

It is good to know that all the kids are adjusting well to each other and that you and Alex got to spend some good quality time together. That can make all the difference in the world.


Just keep us posted. You are lucky enough to have the biggest extended family in the world. Our thoughts are always with you.