I became a mother at 15, but through good choices and hard work, I made a great life for myself and my daughter. We lived well and we remained close after she grew up, left home, went to college and married. She left her daughter with me five days a week until the child started school. They were regular visitors at our house and we were at theirs. I divorced my husband (her step dad) last year after I learned he was using cocaine and having relationships with other women AND men. He became very hard to live with, secretive and deceitful about our finances, and hateful and contolling with me. My 42 year old daughter knew what he did and understood why I left, even suggested I stay at her house during the divorce. Rather than remain in the town where everyone knew everything, I moved 400 miles away, near where I grew up and have family. My daughter, granddaughter and I were very close until I left, but now my daughter gives me the cold shoulder when I call or write. I bought a beautiful new home, but she told my granddaughter I don't live in a very nice place so they won't be visiting! I asked her to level with me about why she was so angry and she said frostily, "I have no issues." Yet when I let her know I would be back in town in two weeks and wanted to take them to dinner and she said, "You can't just breeze into town and expect us to drop every thing to have dinner with you". I was stunned and hurt, and asked (in tears) why she was being so cold. She said she had no idea what I was talking about. I've seen her be this way to other people in her life over the years and even tried to get her to "get off her high horse" when she treated her father-in-law that way the last couple of years he was alive. She was unmovable. I sent her a gift, then called to wish her a happy birthday. She didn't acknowledge the gift, and when I said, "I love you", she said, "Okay" and hung up. The only insight I have had is that my ex tells me she's mad because I moved. I haven't got a clue as to how to proceed. How can I reach her?

I too think she is angry about your move so far away. What has she lost because of it?

What has she lost? I'm still her mom, still as close as the phone and if she needed me I'd be there. Good question. Thanks. I'll ponder on that some more.

It's a lot easier to say "no" when you are 400 miles away than it is if you are nearby. You can't help at the drop of a hat now.

What did you give her (physically, emotionally, mentally) when you lived nearby?

She may feel that it was "too easy" for you to leave she and her daughter - like you dumped them to move. I think you need to address this with her.

It sounds like you were very close, and then just moved 400 miles away without consideration of how dependent your daughter was on you for the care of her daughter during the week. She probably thought you'd never want to be away from her, and now you chose to be around other family rather than she and your grand-daughter. She feels thrown away, and so is erecting barriers.

Her behaviours are very immature and silly, but her feelings are legitimate and I guess I might feel that way, too, in the same situation. If my mother had a close relationship with me and my son, and decided it was best for her to live 400 miles away from us - well, I'd feel very hurt and devastated that she would even consider putting that kind of distance between us.

I'm not saying you were wrong to move, but perhaps in your enthusiasm about being nearer to other family, you inadvertently made her feel expendable.

I think it's because you have moved such a long way away.

As you say you had her at 15, made a good life for the both of you, even looked after your grandaughter until she started school.

You admitt that you were very close.

Seeing it from her point of view... I can imagine that she feels abandoned, even though she is married you have been her foundation in life... always there to support her and then her daughter.

Suddenly you then uproot and leave, not a couple of streets away but 400 miles,you may as well be on the moon.

She can no longer pop round for a chat or a cuppa, if there is an emergency the first person any daughter would call for advice is their mum... but your not there anymore.

There would have been times when she really needed you, the end of a phone is no good.
A hug from her mum would have been all she needed to put things right, that's now gone.

I know she is an adult, but I'm sure you still think of her as your little girl who on occasion needs the help of her mum.

However you also have your own life, maybe some how you could combine the two, family is what is important you never know what the future may bring.

Is there a chance that you could move closer, so that you have the comfort of your daughter and the joy of watching your grandaughter grow up.

Family is important it's only when they are not there that you realise that.

My mom and I are close. She moved far away from me and I didn't resent her for it. I love it when she comes to town and we get to hang out and do the mother and daughter thing. She shouldn't be upset that you moved because after all you have a life to. When you lived near her you helped her out in everyway and I am sure she appreciate that but you have a life to live too.

Inviting her out to dinner isn't making her stop her life for you but some how I think she have bigger problems than you but is directing her anger towards you. Maybe she is having problems with her husband or a friend, etc and doesn't want to tell you. Maybe she wants an escape and wish you lived nearby so she can stay with you but she can't due to the distance.

I don't know for sure but I just threw you a scernio. Hopefully she will change and resume a relationship with you.

Thank you all for the insight you've given me. Liz28, it sounds like you and your mom have the sort of healthy, happy relationship I thought I had with my adult child. She has been "too busy" to see me more than 5-6 times a year the last five years. She always said it was because of all my granddaughters activities. We lived an hour apart before I moved. I did discuss the move with her and she understood the reasons I needed to start over, but when I actually left, she became cold and distant.

Your daughter is 42 years old and she shouldn't be cutting you out of her life like that and should be more reasonable. However, you stated this is her normal behavior with friends but she shouldn't be this way with her one and only mom.

Sadly, the only thing you can do is wait for her to come to her senses and keep reaching out.

It sounds like you were exceptionally close and she is hurt because you "abandoned" her. Of course, that is not what you did, but probably how she sees it.

I think you should write her a letter and explain all the reasons that you felt that you had to do what you did. Tell her how much you love her and miss her. Ask her to come visit at a specific time.

Remember - we can only control our own actions. If she doesn't come around, at least know that you did all that you could.

Thank you for your good and thoughtful answers!

I hope your daughter comes around before it is too late but hang in there.

I read your post now and I feel that my daughter is like yours. Is she Capricorn by any chance? I have almost no contact with her, although we live in the same city, all the contact comes from my side. She is 28 years old, recently married. I don't know why she is so cold towards me or my husband. I have warm attitude and always loved her. She is the only child and it hurts so much, when there is no communication between us at times I cry myself to sleep, yet there is nothing I can do, she is the way she is. What a shame! She will not phone, write an E mail or communicate I basically don't know anything that goes on in her life. So I can symphatize with you and only hope that they will come around, but I am 68 years old and how long do I have time to wait and in any case it might never happen.

Given what you have written the only reason appears that she is angry because you moved. But not sure if you missed out any possible reason- but frankly why does it matter?
If she is angry give her some time to come around. Its said that sometimes kids are like kitten- they play romp in their own world you keep milk they won't acknowledge you but play and drink and then sometimes they are like a puppy all happy and glad and thank you. Wait till she becomes a puppy.
Meanwhile please get a hobby, involve yourself with lot of activities because you also need to come out of other hurts and get on with life. Good luck

Adopt one if it helps. Lot of love is needed in this world you know.. share it

Puppy, dog , kitten, a real kid, sponsership -- anything. Or even a gold fish.
Share your love. It might help.