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Since you mentioned your stepfather... Try to understand how he would feel. Now would be a good time to sit down and write him a note thanking him for all he has done for you. Tell him that you love him and that you could never replace him and would never want to replace him. Remind him that there are a lot of reasons that you want to meet your father, but that you know that he (your stepfather) made the choice to be your Dad.
Okay so he called me back because I sent him a text asking him if he had an email address which he gave me... I sent him a lot of pics of when I was a baby.. I don't have many pics from my childhood, sadly. But he said he had to coach football practice and that was at 6, he said he would call me afterward. He also said that he remembers my Mom, and that this is very overwhelming for him, well duh! Of course!
One of my friends said I should get him for back child support.. .
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Originally Posted by zawatska
Depending on your age you may not be able to go after him for child support - that is something your mother should have done a long time ago. I don't believe, in fact, that in NYS you even have legal standing. Your mother would have to do it.
I think I'd shy away from this whole thought - this is why men contacted years later either refuse to have contact or drop contact, the fear that their lives will be upset if not emotionally, financially.
Judy do you know of a place to get a paternity test? He will step up and be a father figure to me, but in the back of his head he may have some doubts whether in the short time him and my mother were together, if there was possibly another man involved. I just want to set his doubts at ease...
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Originally Posted by zawatska
Many blood labs will do them - Family Court also has a list.
I've never dealt with any that aren't Court ordered but I do know I've been in Court when Attorneys have advised people NOT to use home testing kits or on-line sites.
To put everyone's mind at ease the test should be supervised, make sure it's actually the man you've contacted on one end and you on the other.
(How's that for a non answer?)
Yeah, he mentioned a home test.. how do those work? I read somewhat about them... but I don't understand if I have to buy one, and swab my mouth and send it back, and then he's got to buy another one and do the same thing?? I just want to go on maury or something! Lol I don't know...
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Originally Posted by zawatska
Yes, you buy and swab. He buys and swabs. You both mail. In a nutshell.
If you go on Maury, let me know and I'll come along as your cousin - or something. We'll wear matching outfits.
Haha ru serious? I'd def. do it!
Everyone on my side is saying we look alike and have the same nose, and forehead but my "dad" called me last night and said that he doesn't want to meet me or introduce me to his children until we're 110% that we're father/daughter... which is understandable because I can imagine how hard it would be for young kids to understand something like this...
He wants us both to buy an at home paternity test, the same brand, and he said he'll get around to it, and that he's busy, and that Ive waited 20 years, what's another couple days or weeks!? I had a loss for words when he told me this and I said, "EXACTLY! I've waited 20 years! U need to put it on ur priorities list"!
Idk how to feel... I just don't want to have doubts, and I don't want him too. My mom swears up and down that he was the only one in the picture back then, and I believe her. Also, he is the only one all my family has ever mentioned...
Be patient with him... this is big news. You've had your whole life to think about it. You made a decision to contact him.
You have just rocked his world and he will need sometime to let it sink in and figure out how to tell his family and figure out how to make it all work. He has already been more receptive than a lot of people would have been. Give him a little time.
True. I am the least patient person he will ever meet. Lol.
My Mom just told me to be patient too, but I want to know! I don't want to continue getting emotionally connected with someone who I THINK is my father, and have it not turn out to be, but I'm still emotionally connected you know? I'll just wait..
Paternity testing here we come!!
Well here's the newest crappy update... his wife got to his head, and I've sent him 3 messages (over myspace) since he has told me that he doesn't have the money or time for an $89.00 at home paternity test that I found online, and I told him that I could always go through family court, and they can arrange for us to both take a paternity test... he has read all 3 messages, but isn't responding back. I don't see anything left to do but contact family court, or forget about him (which I'm not about to do considering I've not had a father for 20 years.)
What do you think Judy?? :-(
Hi,
I'm going to family court tomorrow and petitioning for a paternity test, my grandmother retired from the office, and she said that "at home paternity tests" are a liability in court as far as life insurance, inheritance, whatever. And court appointed tests are more accurate... and I don't want him or anyone else to have anymore doubts. I can tell by the sound of his voice that he's worried about me petitioning for child support, which I'm not going to do. But he is also giving me a very hard time about buying a test... that's why I'm going to family court. First he says he cannot afford a test, now he's saying that my mom should pay for everything because she "kept me from him" which is UNTRUE, because everyone in my family witnessed her calling him when I was younger and he didn't give a sh*t less. WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK ABOUT THIS??
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Originally Posted by zawatska
Somehow this thread got dropped from the list of threads that automatically notify me - I just got the message that there is new activity. I haven't been ignoring you; I didn't know any of this was going on. I've answered your other post but wanted to clear this up first.
I'm really sorry I didn't know any of this was going on -
So on to the next post!
Quote:
Originally Posted by zawatska
Right, at home paternity tests don't even have to be recognized by the Court. Plus if he is trying to "avoid" being your father, anybody could take the test at his end and you would never know.
I think he's conflicted - this must be a bolt out of the blue (and maybe he's conveniently "forgetting" that he talked to your Mom back when you were born). I'm sure his wife is rather shocked if she had no knowledge of this at all. On one hand, you may very well be his daughter and he's curious; on the other, this is a shock.
I will be curious to see what Family Court says, if they can help. I really don't know how this works when the "child" is an adult.
How do you feel about it - should you go to Family Court tomorrow or give it a little more time, give him a chance to think it over.
The good news is he isn't denying you, isn't calling your mother names (and that happens). I think he may just need some time. This has got to be a shock to him - and, as you've said, you've waited this long, what's another week - ?
On the other hand - if you have decided to do this, if you've got yourself of a mindset that this is the time, then go for it. I don't see you have anything to lose. You've come this far, pressed forward, located him, kept "us" all informed. Maybe now is the time to resolve this once and for all.
(I'll go back to selecting our matching outfits for the Maury Show - :D )
I know of no family court that will do a test for a adult, the mother has to file for benefits of a minor child. So I don't see the courts doing anything for you.
Chuck, that's not what my local family court in NYS has told me. Like I said, My grandmother worked there for 15 years and recently retired. I don't see any reason why they wouldn't help me with a paternity test..?
And Judy, I did think you were ignoring me! Lol but I'm glad you weren't! I need you!
But here's more to the story as of 5 minutes ago!. He called me, and I told him I am petitioning for a paternity test tomorrow morning, he went on the defense and was scared about cops, supenas (sp), and court. Family Court told me that if he was unable to show up to court 4 hours away where I live, then he could "appear" by phone and take a test in his town, and I'll take my test in my town. He basically wouldn't have to show up or see me at all... His wife is definitely in his head because while we were talking I heard her call me a liar about him being my father, and she was telling him what to say/ask... but I could careless her thoughts on his right now anyway.
He started calling my mom a slut, a town whore, and denying ever meeting me when I was a baby, and denying ever knowing I existed... which is fine, I expected that! My whole family expected that. He keeps insisting that we just take an at home test, which is out of the question, screw that especially because of what Fr_Chuck just said about someone else taking it for him! The conversation we just had didn't get us anywhere. He said at first he imagined me as some vulnerable defensless little girl but since he's talked to me and found out that I've been arrested once, and that I have a boyfriend that's older than me, etc etc now he doesn't think I'm that little girl growing up without a father. I didn't really understand what he was trying to say... do you guys?? Then he was saying that I grew up well, my mother has money, I'm on a petistool, my life was peaches and cream, and I shouldn't be ruining his life and he wants to go back to his normal life...
It seems to me like he's trying to make me and my mother feel bad about finding him and saying "I think you're my father". Which in a way I understand because of the shock factor, but I know I don't owe him anything. I think he just always thought that this would never surface you know... haha jokes on him, its surfaced. The proof will be in the pudding when we take a test...
But can he refuse to take a family court appointed paternity test? My grandma says no, or they might issue a warrant for his arrest. This whole thing is stressssssin me out!! Until next time
And judy, I am sick of waiting all ready! I don't want to keep talking to this man if just pretend, he isn't the father. Why get emotionally attached? I'm doing the dang thing in the morning!!
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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
NYS will order paternity testing under certain circumstances - for example, health problems (if you are concerned about inherited health problems), inheritance, things of that nature. They don't grant every request but they are fairly lenient.
The other side of this is people have had their lives disrupted because someone, somewhere thinks maybe a person is the father, he gets pulled in for DNA and discovers he is not. Meanwhile his life is in shambles -
I don't really know the best thing to do here - but that's probably for a relationship board.
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