Hi.

I‘m a 25 year old woman still a virgin. I’ve had no sexual contact, never even been kissed. The reason being that I’m extremely anxious & uncomfortable around people. I feel afraid & vunerable, as if everyone is judging me & seeing all my negative aspects. A psychologist I was seeing in university told me that I project the way I feel about myself onto other people, and that’s why I feel this way.

I’ve gotten much better & have control over my anxiety most of the time. I’m able to have normal conversations with colleagues, which I see as a HUGE achievement, and have even made a really close friendship with someone at work. This has made me feel more confident & relaxed around people, but the idea of being physically and emotionally close to someone still frightens me. It would make me feel too vulnerable & exposed.
Added to this issue is the confusion about my sexual orientation. I am attracted to women mostly & men seldom. However, I’m concerned that my attraction towards women may be a result of my negative feelings towards men. When I was growing up, my mother spoke very negatively about my father, she belittled him constantly & always drawed our attention to his flaws, even though he is a good father & a good man. All of my friends & sisters have been cheated on by men. Rape in South Africa (where I’m from) is rampant. I think all of this led me to develop a fear and a hate of men, and to avoid interaction with them and attention from them to protect myself physically and emotionally. I don’t know why these experiences affected me in this way because my two older sisters have normal relationships with men as friends/ boyfriends. Women, on the other hand, have been so nurturing and kind to me, except for my mother who ruled by instilling fear in myself & my sisters.

As I said earlier, I have improved, and have managed to interact with men & feel comfortable most of the time. However, there’s a part deep within me that always assumes the worst about them & will not trust them. I’m attracted to women and have been since I was 10 years old when I was attracted to a female teacher, but only became aware of what my thoughts had meant when I was 13. I’ve been attracted to men since I was in nursery school. When I fantasize, or masturbate I think about women, but I also think about penises, and no other part of the male body.
I don’t know when I’ll be able to start dating, and the fact that I’ll be starting so late will be a great challenge. So it will at least help if I know which gender(s) I’m attracted to. Am I misinterpreting my feelings towards men & women? Please help.

This is where a counselor might come in handy, again. I ( lesbian) started much the same as you... a crush on a camp counselor at the age of nine, sexual feelings mostly for other women, but some curiosity about males, too. I can find myself borderline attracted to some guys, but only women really fascinate me. However, I didn't experience the extreme violence through men that you and other women in your culture have. Maybe hashing things out with a psychotherapist would be helpful for you to know if this is true lesbianism, or a means of self-preservation. Good luck...

What helped in your counseling sessions that encouraged so much change so far? Did you do a lot of talking, exploring self, understanding past... etc? There are many tiypes of therpaies out there, but if you know what works for you, then let us know!
I would recommend you take the pressure off!! The positive relationships you have, such as your new friend, and go have some fun. Feel what it is like to be free of worry and enjoy it... find people who you don't care what they think and enjoy just being you and work at being stress free.
Then, work your way up to other things, such as dating. But I would love to see you be able to enjoy yourself naturally and feel the good for awhile. Do not keep putting yourself in questioning situations, it will only keep your irrational thoughts going. In a way, relearn ways to trust people and enjoy life. ONLY put yourself in happy and trusting places, and get to know that feeling and trust yourself!
Then we can move to the next phase!