Ask Me Help Desk - My parents make things harder

My parents make things harder

So basically my mom and dad make it harder to feel happy, my mom overspends, my dad yells, my mom and dad often argue and more recently my mom was acting/talking in a suicidal way. Ever since my mom has started this diet that my dad and I also have to be on, my mom has gotten to be more and more obsessed/obsessive with nutrition and my mom has at some times been telling me how and what to eat. She has said I can't eat something anymore, and it really bothers me because whenever she talks like this to me she usually will repeat herself. It makes me feel bad, and makes it harder to get myself esteem better. I am already a picky eater, and I feel like it really doesn't help when my mom has talked like this. Also, whenever my dad yells, I'll sometimes just get so upset. My dad has said things like that he wants to choke my mom, after he found out how much she spent at the store while we were away visiting some of his relatives. I actually got angry and I rarely had before that, in part because of his attitude on that day, how he was acting inside walmart, he was throwing a fit. He called the cashier woman stupid, when he mentioned her inside the car he called her a racial slur. I just got so mad, and I was in a good mood before. I got even more mad when my dad said I don't want to go to the family reunion that we always go to, when I did want to go. He was talking about me to my mom as if I wasn't there. I never can find any decent ways to cope, and I have a bad memory so its really sucky when you mostly only remember the bad things.

How old are you?
My parents fought all the time - over my mother's spending, over everything. My mother yelled at us all constantly.
What to do? You wait until you are out of high school, and you prepare for leaving home. Work and save what you can, study to stay away from them and to get good grades. Plan your future. Learn an extra skill, whether it's cashiering or making pizza or an infant care course. You can't change your parents. It's not easy for a teen to tell parents how much they are hurting you, and they are so wrapped up in their problems that they can't see it anyway.
So.. how many years left of school? Are you planning to go to college, or work, or what?

I'm 16. I have 2 years left of school. I don't want to go to college because I feel like it's hard enough just to get through school. Thanks for answering, by the way.

Could you get a part time job at Walmart?
I used to babysit after school... lived out in the middle of nowhere. But it helped.

I could try, but I don't think it'd work out until I'm at least 17. Idk anyone here and no one seems to want me to babysit but... OK. Maybe I can figure out something.

Why don't you know anyone? Did you just move? Where do you live?

I don't know most people here because I just don't get out much. I barely talk to any of my neighbors. People at school mostly don't even try to talk to me and it can be like I'm socially awkward when I try to talk to them, or at least it seems that way. We moved here when I was 8 or a little younger, so no I didn't just move. I live in Washington.

Awkward, shy, seems like they won't talk to you - there is always at least one person just like you in any school. At least in my vast experience... I don't know every school of course. Think for a second: is there anyone in your class who seems sort of alone?

Rather than be upset with your mom's diet plan and maybe fight about it, go with the flow and ask her to teach you how to make some of the foods, or if you know your way around the kitchen, surf the Internet for appropriate recipes and pair up with her to make them. That way you will have some control over the food you eat. (What kind of diet is it? We're going through this at my house with the Atkins diet.)

Rather than be a victim or martyr, find ways to cooperate and even take some control, at least of your own feelings. YOU are the one who chooses to be upset, and you don't have to.

Yeah, I sort of can be a little bit awkward, and I am sometimes shy. There isn't anyone else I can see at school in any of my classes who seems to have so few friends. Then there's me, a few people say I'm their friend or we're friends, but most of the time they won't even talk to me often so it doesn't even feel like we're aquiantances. I have one real friend, and sometimes it feels like people just won't give me a chance for some stupid reason. At school most of the time people won't talk to me, especially other kids unless they're asking if me and my only real friend are dating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Rather than be upset with your mom's diet plan and maybe fight about it, go with the flow and ask her to teach you how to make some of the foods, or if you know your way around the kitchen, surf the Internet for appropriate recipes and pair up with her to make them. That way you will have some control over the food you eat. (What kind of diet is it? We're going through this at my house with the Atkins diet.)

Rather than be a victim or martyr, find ways to cooperate and even take some control, at least of your own feelings. YOU are the one who chooses to be upset, and you don't have to.

It's not really just her diet plan, its just the way she talks about stuff sometimes does not make myself esteem or eating habits better. I was not trying to fight about it. I don't really want to look up recipes... It's a vegetarian diet, and honestly I don't have that many problems with it. Its just when my mom tells me how I should and shouldn't eat and says it so many times it starts to sound controlling. I get what you're saying, I really do. Although I don't know if it helps.

This is probably a dumb question, but are you male or female? ("Serafina" to me is female.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

This is probably a dumb question, but are you male or female? ("Serafina" to me is female.)

I'm a female. I chose serafina as my username because I like it better than my actual first name.

Quote:

Originally Posted by serafina

I'm a female. I chose serafina as my username because I like it better than my actual first name.

You know what it means, don't you? "Fiery one."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You know what it means, don't you? "Fiery one."

I have no idea. I just saw it in a national geographic but spelled differently, one time in 8th grade. I liked it better than my name so I decided to eventually put it in a username or two. I didn't realize the meaning of it was that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by serafina

I have no idea. I just saw it in a national geographic but spelled differently, one time in 8th grade. I liked it better than my name so I decided to eventually put it in a username or two. I didn't realize the meaning of it was that.

I think you are fated to be the shining light for your parents. :) I can think of all sorts of positive things you can do to be that light in their lives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I think you are fated to be the shining light for your parents. :) I can think of all sorts of positive things you can do to be that light in their lives.

Oh, okay. Well, I'll think about what that really means. But, I'm not too sure. Anyway, thanks for leaving an answer to my question.

Tell us more about your one real friend...
As for how mom pressures you, I do understand that. I also remember that I didn't have what it took as a teen to deal with my mother rationally. I was just engulfed in the powerlessness I felt. I wasn't allowed to have a mind of my own - and I didn't! Took me YEARS.

My one real friend, is a boy, and I mostly only see him at school. Its annoying because people assume we're dating. And although he likes me that way, I don't want to ruin my only decent friendship I've had in school in years. Yeah, I like how you at least try to understand it. Honestly, I wish I could get a job already so I could just start saving for an apartment, and have it be a crappy job I can quit so after high school I can just go to job corps. It feels kind of nice to talk to people. I mean, I feel like I can have a mind of my own, but sometimes I just don't like it because its kind of messed up, but I do mean it actually is.

I guess it's good that your boy friend is willing to just be friends. I wish you had a best girl friend, someone to share everything with, and to hang out with outside of school, but you have someone.

I'm 66. My mother died 7 years ago. But I still fantasize about how I would have done my teen years differently. I took off after high school and got into some pretty miserable situations because I had no idea what I wanted or what I was doing.

Job Corps - good. I didn't even know they were still around. What kind of skill would you like to have, that can earn a living?
As for apartments, I couldn't afford my own (and neither will you I'll bet), so I shared with sometimes as many as 5 roommates. When I made $3/hr, my rent was 65 + utilities. If you make $10/hr, sharing rent could be $225+. So it's the same relatively, but rents vary a lot around the country.
There's good and bad with roommates, but at least it's cheap and you are never lonely. There's always one roomie who drives everyone else nuts.
So what kinds of work do you think you would like to be able to get after high school? If you could do anything, I mean.

Yes, I wish I had more friends in general, but in a way I don't care. I mostly have met friends at school but still most people they don't even want to try so why try with them if they won't even want to talk to me, plus I like to talk to people who seem nicer. Yes, well, I don't know about that, but maybe I'd try culinary so I could at least cook well, then make sure if I want to I can go another time and choose something else then be done with it and get a job. And yes, although I think I would rather be alone for a while after stuff like high school or job corps. Idk, about work. If I could be anything, maybe a singer. One who is classy, not dressing in that sort of way.. the way that shows so much skin all the time.

Cooking and singing, I'm impressed. (I have a picture of you doing both at the same time, the Singing Chef.. )
Most states have scholarships for short training programs like culinary schools, so ask your guidance counselor. I hope you have a good one at your school.
Of course you can just get a job in a restaurant starting with a very basic job. It's tough work, on your feet non stop.
You could waitress too - I wonder if the restaurant would let you sing short bits of song as you wait on tables. Have a one minute song to sing when you apply. LOL. Just some dumb ideas, or not so dumb, who knows.
I had an entry level job in a shop and got to use my artistic ability making a sign. They loved it so much they let me make all their signs from then on. I don't think I got a raise, but I did get to sit around making signs.

Haha, well I do like to sing. I can cook if I want to, I just am so lazy I don't feel like it. I would rather do a culinary program if it was at job corps, even if it was just to learn how to cook better, and I think meeting new people would be a plus. And yes, I was thinking I might just see if I can get a job at mcdonald's or denny's or somewhere that's not walmart but still not being a janitor, I think a job just being on my feet so much wouldn't be bad for me, my balance has improved from what it seemed to be before. I don't want to sing around strangers, it sometimes might just feel weird to do that. They're not exactly dumb ideas, just things I'm too shy for. I mostly keep to myself, I don't really even hum near other people unless I feel like it and they won't mind. That other job sounds kind of cool too, but to me it wouldn't be too bad just having a crappy minimum wage job but it being a first job so even if its worse than working at walmart in a way, at least its still something.

Almost all first jobs are pretty awful... I've had 36 since 1964.
I worked at a testing lab, watching mice die. My job was to keep about 100 of them tied down, struggling, with their mouths stuffed with a wad of nicotine, and to write down when they died. I lasted 3 days. Virtually everyone who worked there was out of their minds. I drove a cab for a few hours one winter, with no heat and a dead battery, so I had to keep it running, but with the windows open because fumes from a broken exhaust pipe came up through a hole in the floor. I walked away from the cab stop in front of a hotel, almost passed out, and told them to go get their cab. I could go on! Worse jobs out there than Walmart.

Yeesh, that job sounds so much more worse than working at a fast food place. And yes I have known that even Walmart is not that bad compared to other things. I mean to some people it seems bad. I hate how they don't have any decent insurance, my older brother works at a Walmart.

How much time do you spend with your brother? Does he sympathize with you about your parents? Is he living on his own?

Actually, I haven't seen him in over 6 months. I rarely get to spend even a little bit of time with him. Idk if he sympathizes with me about my parents. Hes living with some people who are friends.

Back to cooking, I wonder if your mom would calm down a little if you gathered some recipes off the net and cooked dinner one or two nights a week. Many other nations have the yummiest veggie dishes. I like Thai, Indian, Mexican (with or without animal). There's an Indian meatball dish called kofta that is totally veggie but in it's sauce it tastes like meat.

I like watching cooking shows. Not crazy about the super competitions where they can sabotage each other. But I can't stand on my feet very long anymore, so a cooking career is out. Unless I lowered all counters to 30" or less.

My mom doesn't seem to even want my help most of the time, but I could just start seeing if she'd be OK with me helping her cook. I used to like watching food network. Now that we have cable again and its so basic, I don't even want to watch anything. I like a lot of different types of food like chinese food, mexican food, japanese food, indian food, etc. But I don't often get to try them.

Ask her sometime if you can plan and cook the entire meal, just to have something to be proud of.
I'll bet she's unhappy too, what with fighting with your dad and feeling suicidal.
I never was able to be 'friends' with my mother, but could sort of get along with her when she was in her 80s and getting helpless.
Maybe you can get (way before 80) some clue about what is making her unhappy. Maybe she will notice that you are too. Who knows what might happen.

Okay, that's fine.. although I am proud of something. Losing weight, not flunking out of school already. And my mom is not always like that. I've only seen or heard of her being like that two different times. Thanks for the advice. I think I have some idea about what's making her unhappy, it seems like she'd overspend less if she saw a counselor or just talked to someone about her problems.

If you get a chance to say how any of this goes, write back.
And I hope you spend more time here, helping others in your situation. Some things never change, but I'm from another planet now, at my age.

Okay, I am sure I'll try to. I will try to help people here that I actually have more knowledge with the problem(s) they have. You're right about the whole some things never change, stuff. And even being stuck in a bad environment or crappy situation, I can still try to be positive.

Wow what time zone are you in? I get up at 4 am. The west coast is just going to sleep.

I'm on the west coast. I AM tired but I don't want to sleep. I can't get comfortable very easily at the moment with the way that since I lost weight my legs are. Like upper thighs with a lot of extra weight or what seems kind of like it, and smaller lower legs. Plus my knees feel bony. I like to stay up late sometimes, like if I have trouble with bad dreams.. which I often do but usually just deal with in my own way.

I've dealt with left leg pain for 35+ years, so am very conscious of how I sit at my desk. Chair low because I'm short, so that feet are flat and thighs aren't pressed against the chair. I cut 3" off the desk to lower it, so that my arms rest on it without hunching up my shoulders (have all sorts of pain in my old age).
Dreams... me too... they usually disappear within about 10 seconds and I do my best to shake them off... do you ever feel like you are never truly rested?

Ah, yeah... I guess it gets bad once you get older doesn't it?
For me I usually don't feel like that. But sometimes my dreams freak me out. I'll just have nightmares while asleep or before I've even totally fallen asleep. And it'll be no more than 30 seconds then another nightmare and another. It's a bit weird I guess.

Now that I think back, I tossed and turned all through high school. I had insomnia and worried about everything. It seemed like I got no sleep, but then I would remember very vivid dreams. Only one was a nightmare and I had it a lot. It was the only one in black and white.

How do any of us get through high school, I don't know. I cried for hours in my room.
And I didn't have it half as bad as others in my class.

Ah, OK. I have trouble sleeping sometimes but usually its just I sleep fine but have nightmares but to me they're pretty normal. The worst part of high school for me has been how kids act towards me... haha.

How do kids act towards you?