I thought my frequent changes in mood and forgetfulness was just normal until it got worse. Before, it was just small things that were hardly noticeable. For example, I would walk into a room and forget why, and when a certain thing was said, my mood would change completely. Now, I forget everything important that had happened a couple of days, or even weeks ago. Sometimes I look at myself and think its not me or I seem smaller than I thought. I am only fifteen, and I know these things shouldn't be happening, but then again, it could all be in my head. Sometimes the changes in mood and forgetfulness can be so frequent that it overwhelms me and I don't know what to do.

It's really not possible online to know if a 15 year old (girl, I assume?) is just a typical teen with hormones all over the map and the mood changes most teens are going through, or if you are indeed developing a real illness. Forgetfulness can be a sign of too much going on in your life, depression, or just the same forgetfulness everyone goes through. At the other end of the spectrum it can be something rare and serious. How dramatic is the 'that's not me' when you look at yourself? We all have moments of that, so again, it all depends on whether this is the usual feeling or a more serious sign.

Have you told any of this to your parents or parent? Has anyone mentioned anything about your behavior? What others notice is really the best mirror, unless your inner thoughts are teeming with scary feelings and ideas.

You assume correct and I have thought about it being teenage hormones. But, when I have a feeling of 'this isn't me' it's very frightening, at first. I find myself grabbing my hands and feeling my face. But, after a minute or two, I start to calm down. I've taken therapy, and I told her about my constant changes in mood. She told me to try and find out what has been causing it and to try and look for a pattern. I did as she said, and it was a bit difficult at first, but I eventually found there wasn't really a pattern. I've tried to find out what's been triggering these changes, but so far I haven't been very successful. Close friends have noticed and I've talked to my parent about seeing a psychiatrist, but he says now is not the time. He has too much going on. My best friend actually recommended I see someone, but I would feel more sure if I can get a reccomendation from someone who knows a bit more about it and someone who isn't stilll in high school.

Tell us in more detail about what your friends notice (if you are willing).
Feeling yourself in a panic when you think you are not you is getting a bit serious.

When you say 'a bit serious', should I be worried? They've told me I get aggressive, but a minute to a day later it'll be as if nothing happened and pretty much everyone notices my depression.

And how do you see yourself when they tell you this?
(Keep in mind that we aren't there, don't know you, and it's really tough to 'see' the whole picture.)
Thinking you are not you is wrapped up in depression. Some say that you 'dissociate' or 'go into a dissociative state' whereby you feel strangely detached from everything, or that nothing is real, or that you are not you. But don't think of it as some total weirdness, because it's really you wishing you weren't you for a while, so that you don't have to face what's bothering you.
In rare cases it can be an early sign of schizophrenia, but for now just assume that you are part of the vast numbers of teens who are depressed and not facing your feelings.
Lashing out at people must have some basis in some pent up anger or hurt. Then you get depressed - of course, who wouldn't? You don't really want to be like that.
So tell us what happened in your life, if you can. And maybe go back to the therapist. You need to find out when and why this started. 90% of that job is yours; the therapist can only guide you and offer insight and solutions.

When they told me, I didn't know what to think. The cause could be that I've been abused in every way but physically. I had to see a therapist because someone had told our school principal about me self-harming, but now that school is over, I have no way to see a therapist because my parent can't take me to see one.

Yelling, demeaning you, etc? Who?
You can't see a therapist because your parents can't afford it/don't have insurance for it, or just don't want to?

My father, grandmother, brother, and uncle tell me I'm lazy, I never do anything, I'm only worried about myself, I'm ungrateful. Things like that. My dad can't take me because he has a lot on him right now. We live with my grandmother and he's having to pay for pretty much everything because she quit her job. Then again, when I ask for anything, he makes a big real about it and complains I'm spending all of his money.

It sounds like you are the scapegoat and the "safe" (i.e. easy) person to blame for everything, the one to demean, since the adults don't dare demean each other.

Do you have chores assigned and do them when you are supposed to? How are the grades in school?

That's not unusual sounding, so there must be something that made you cut.
What do you ask your dad for? (I'm 66 and in those days, no one got anything, so I'm only marginally aware of what teens expect these days.)
What happened to your mother?
Do you feel that you can understand a parent who has huge money worries?

They expect me to do one thing every single day; wash dishes. And, if they don't want to do anything, they'll just put it on me or my brother. Grades are terrible, being as I can't remember important things and fail most of my tests.

I'm starting to get a bit confused myself, so I apologize if what I say makes little to no sense. I just ask to go places, and sometimes I'll ask for something I see that I like, but I don't expect him to get it. I just ask because it interests me and I'm a teenager. I ask for a lot, but when be says no, I don't get upset and start throwing fits. I just say okay and that's it.

If you fail most of your tests, what are you hearing from teachers? What is being done about that?

I'm failing three of your classes. Two of the teachers are helping me and I don't think the other even knows my name.

"I'm failing three of YOUR classes"? Do you think someone here is one of your teachers or is at your school?

Someone said you self harm. Do you?

It sounds like you need an adult to speak with, perhaps a teacher or clergyperson or friend - ? Is there anyone in your life who is like that?

Marie, are you out there? Please write something.

“Sometimes the changes in mood-” Does this include anger? If yes, than it might be because of the emotional abuse, maybe it's something else. I don't know.
Do you get enough sleep? Sleeping is important for your memory. But I think that you still need to see a doctor.
“-everyone notices my depression.” Do you feel depressed, or it's just what everyone says? Depression causes forgetfulness.
Forgetting things like after you walk into a room is VERY normal. It happens to everyone. Things that we remember in a second and forget in an instant happen because these information are stored in our short-term memory (For example, you walk into a room to get a pencil, and when you get there you forget for what reason). If it happens constantly then who knows.
Stress too causes forgetfulness. I would think all the pressure from home and school can be a problem, can be the reason for stress, if you have any.
Do you forget familiar faces? Events form the past? If no than, and let me just say that this is a probability only, I know that it can be anything else, your forgetfulness may be the cause of emotional abuse you had. If yes, you forget familiar faces and past events form years ago, than it's anything else.
I made snap judgments here; NOTHING I said here should be considered as 'for sure' an answer to any of your questions. Only a doctor can tell you for sure.

You need to see a doctor somehow, if you have any questions than PLEASE ask US.

When I said your, I meant FOUR. It was an autocorrect thing and I didn't realize until you mentioned it...

I apologize, I haven't been able to reply in a while... Too much going on and I honestly had forgotten about this.

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Originally Posted by Zea

“Sometimes the changes in mood-” Does this include anger? If yes, than it might be because of the emotional abuse, maybe it’s something else. I don’t know.
Do you get enough sleep? Sleeping is important for your memory. But I think that you still need to see a doctor.
“-everyone notices my depression.” Do you feel depressed, or it’s just what everyone says? Depression causes forgetfulness.
Forgetting things like after you walk into a room is VERY normal. It happens to everyone. Things that we remember in a second and forget in an instant happen because these information are stored in our short-term memory (For example, you walk into a room to get a pencil, and when you get there you forget for what reason). If it happens constantly then who knows.
Stress too causes forgetfulness. I would think all the pressure from home and school can be a problem, can be the reason for stress, if you have any.
Do you forget familiar faces? Events form the past? If no than, and let me just say that this is a probability only, I know that it can be anything else, your forgetfulness may be the cause of emotional abuse you had. If yes, you forget familiar faces and past events form years ago, than it’s anything else.
I made snap judgments here; NOTHING I said here should be considered as ‘for sure’ an answer to any of your questions. Only a doctor can tell you for sure.

You need to see a doctor somehow, if you have any questions than PLEASE ask US.

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I do get angry at times, but I've never hurt anyone. I honestly don't think I am physically able to hurt anyone, though I've been wrong before. I've forgotten things about MYSELF momentarily and I can only remember a few things from the past, none of which are good. I honestly struggle remembering my own mother's birthday! I actually do feel depressed to the point I just want to sleep and hope I don't wake up. I sleep entirely too much, but I try not to.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

"I'm failing three of YOUR classes"? Do you think someone here is one of your teachers or is at your school?

Someone said you self harm. Do you?

It sounds like you need an adult to speak with, perhaps a teacher or clergyperson or friend - ? Is there anyone in your life who is like that?

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I do self - harm, and I've actually been to a therapist for it, though no one in my family knows about it. Someone at my school told the principal about me and I ended up seeing a therapist once a week during a couple of classes.
The thing about self - harming, though is I would stop for a week, then start again for a couple of months. Then, I would stop for a month or two and end up self - harming again. A couple of friends know I do, and some of them have asked me to promise not to do it again, but I can never keep that promise.
I don't think therapy was enough, because I felt like I couldn't tell the truth. I don't exactly know why, but every time she would ask me if I thought about self - harming or suicidal thoughts, I sometimes lied and said that I haven't thought about it. She would ask me about my family and I don't think I ever said much, either.

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Originally Posted by Marie98

I do self - harm, and I've actually been to a therapist for it.

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You write beautifully. How about when the urge to cut comes over you, grab some paper and a pen or sit down at your computer and write -- fiction, create a journal, or even post here. I've love to read more of your writing! Have you ever written short stories or autobiographical pieces?

'She would ask me about my family and I don't think I ever said much, either.'

I asked you about your mother, and you didn't answer...

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You write beautifully. How about when the urge to cut comes over you, grab some paper and a pen or sit down at your computer and write -- fiction, create a journal, or even post here. I've love to read more of your writing! Have you ever written short stories or autobiographical pieces?

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My therapist recommended the same thing. It never really helps and I go back to doing the same. I've tried everything I can think of, even tried drugs, but that was a long time ago and I've never done anything like that since.
My mind is restless, so I'm almost always reading, writing, drawing, or listening to music. But, those are just to draw some of the imagination out. If I don't at least draw for a long period, I constantly think and it makes concentrating much more difficult.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

'She would ask me about my family and I don't think I ever said much, either.'

I asked you about your mother, and you didn't answer...

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I apologize, I didn't realize... My mother and I are somewhat close, though I don't get to see her much. In my mind she's just... there. I love her, of course, but she's hardly around. I don't know much about her and she doesn't know much about me.

When did she and your dad divorce (if that's what happened - it's not clear)?
It's unusual to have a mother who is not involved in her child's life.

Marie, WG is right - you do express yourself beautifully, and amazingly so for your age!

Do you think you self harm because the physical pain takes away from the mental or emotional pain OR because you are punishing yourself for something? I know a self harmer, and that was her contribution.

She also said that self harming can change from a very bad habit to a sort of addiction. Promising to stop is like promising to stop using drugs. You need intervention, intervention handled by someone who understands.

You're obviously smart - you must know that no one can help you unless you tell the truth, are honest, open all the doors, so to speak, that you've closed to other people. Perhaps the therapist is not the right fit for you - ?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

When did she and your dad divorce (if that's what happened - it's not clear)?
It's unusual to have a mother who is not involved in her child's life.

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My mother left when I was twelve and in the sixth grade. I went to school, came back, and she wasn't there. I hated her for it at first, because she never even said goodbye to me and my brother . Now, I think I understand a bit more and I can't hold something like that against her.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Marie, WG is right - you do express yourself beautifully, and amazingly so for your age!

Do you think you self harm because the physical pain takes away from the mental or emotional pain OR because you are punishing yourself for something? I know a self harmer, and that was her contribution.

She also said that self harming can change from a very bad habit to a sort of addiction. Promising to stop is like promising to stop using drugs. You need intervention, intervention handled by someone who understands.

You're obviously smart - you must know that no one can help you unless you tell the truth, are honest, open all the doors, so to speak, that you've closed to other people. Perhaps the therapist is not the right fit for you - ?

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Thank you both for the compliment, it really means a lot. I think the causes for myself - harming could be both. Something happened when I was six that I've never told anyone, and bad things continue to happen, though they're not as bad. I understand the only way anyone can help is if I'm completely honest and open about it, and I have been. I've been self - harming for about a year or two, but I know I can stop. It'll be a bit difficult, but I know I can do it.

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Originally Posted by Marie98

Thank you both for the compliment, it really means a lot. I think the causes for my self - harming could be both. Something happened when I was six that I've never told anyone, and bad things continue to happen, though they're not as bad. I understand the only way anyone can help is if I'm completely honest and open about it, and I have been. I've been self - harming for about a year or two, but I know I can stop. It'll be a bit difficult, but I know I can do it.

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I also know you can stop. That's why I suggested replacing cutting with another (wholesome) activity. I like the art idea too.

How about if you break the ice and tell us what happened when you were six. You are anonymous here, and it might be the baby steps you need to take to help you open up to a real-life counselor. Typing those words might be what will help.

If anyone has the discipline to stop, I'll bet my money on you.

Yes, we are all anonymous here - if you posted you were going to do something terrible we couldn't find you to stop you. That's how anonymous we are.

And if sharing would help, please do - there's a lot of experience, both good and bad, on AMHD, a lot of very painful stories.

Some of us were subjected to some pretty bad stuff when we were kids - I was the adult victim of rape and lived with that "secret" for a long time.

Anything we can help you with?

I trust your Mom made a decision at that time in your life that she thought was the best decision given all of the options - and maybe that's not how it turned out in the end. How sad for you - terribly, terribly sad. I would have felt abandoned.

Anyway, anything that will help you face things?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I also know you can stop. That's why I suggested replacing cutting with another (wholesome) activity. I like the art idea too.

How about if you break the ice and tell us what happened when you were six. You are anonymous here, and it might be the baby steps you need to take to help you open up to a real-life counselor. Typing those words might be what will help.

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All right... I was molested when I was six, and again when I was ten. I was almost raped a few days after my 15th birthday. The only difference between when I was six and when I was ten is that I said something when I was ten, and it was taken care of. I never said anything when I was six hecause my cousin had the same thing happen to her by the same person. She told, but they didn't believe her.

Thank you for opening the door. Was your molester when you were six a family friend or a relative? A different person from when you were ten?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Thank you for opening the door. Was your molester when you were six a family friend or a relative? A different person from when you were ten?

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When I was six, it was a now deceased relative. When I was ten, it was a family friend...

And you were probably told not to tell, that this was a special secret.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And you were probably told not to tell, that this was a special secret.

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I was never told not to tell. He was drunk...

And telling your mother just didn't feel like an option, I imagine.. And if that weren't enough, she just wasn't there one day...
I too am absolutely amazed at how well your write.
I also think that you really do need a therapist you can tell all this to. Sometimes opening up needs to be done gently and slowly and in a safe place.
Is there any chance of a free or sliding scale clinic near you?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

And telling your mother just didn't feel like an option, I imagine.. And if that weren't enough, she just wasn't there one day...
I too am absolutely amazed at how well your write.
I also think that you really do need a therapist you can tell all this to. Sometimes opening up needs to be done gently and slowly and in a safe place.
Is there any chance of a free or sliding scale clinic near you?

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I've been through this with my dad and he says now isn't the time. The problem isn't money, its time. He's been so busy fixing things for my grandmother, and most of the time he doesn't have his vehicle...

Somebody needs to convince him that you need therapy.. is there any public transportation? Any way you can be dropped off the school bus at a clinic a day a week?