Ask Me Help Desk - How you get over extreme embarrassment enough to live with others

How you get over extreme embarrassment enough to live with others

Hello, how I can I get over extreme embarrassment about daily things that others seem to have no issues with? For example (I hope nobody laugh) I have trouble going #2 in public places like at work or restaurants. I can only go at home, alone. I do not even like having house guests because they are all in my things and 'space.' It sound stupid I know, but I may never be able to be in relationships (never have anyways) because I can imagine living with husband or boyfriend and having to go to the toilet or having my period. People will say I am immature but I can't help :( thinking this way. Is this normal and what can I do to feels more comfortable? Am I going overboard, being 'too private?' I am 31 and I have some mental health issues like asperger and generalized anxiety disorder. Maybe some people are meant to live alone right? Ty

Yes some people are just happier living alone, until of course you get so old you end up in a nursing home.

Many people don't like #2 in public restrooms, this is a common problem. Of course if you are out in public at time you have little choice, can't hold it forever.
With that, finding those rest rooms that are just one room, no one else can be in the room

Whether they're happy about it or not some people are meant to be alone/live alone.

Stop beating yourself up, for Pete's sake!

Asperger's isn't a mental health issue. Your brain is wired differently from the brains of SOME others. I have a German brain that's wired a lot like yours and probably has even more caveats than yours does.

Now, stop obsessing.

I'm not obsessing I am asking questions which is what I thought this place is for. If you don't wants answer my questions why follow them then?

And I do has mental health issues as well by the way

Most of the nurses I work with will only have a bowel movement in their own home, nowhere else. My youngest son is the same way. This isn't an oddity.

I'm perfectly normal (whatever that is) and hate people in my space and I hate having unexpected company and I hate watching someone mess up what I so carefully put together and I hate having someone tell me what to do when I know they don't know what they are talking about and no, I don't live alone, but live with two other people who have their own preferences and oddities and hangups plus five cats who boss all three of us around.

Sorry, HHV, but you're no different from the rest of us.

And why do you think you have to live with others? My younger son owns a house and lives there alone. He loves the peace and quiet and isn't hanging out at the bars for a social life. I have several friends and relatives who are as happy as clams living in apartments or condos or in houses alone. They can do what they want when they want and not have to check with someone else first.

I know several women who are now widows who adored their husbands but truly enjoy being alone and aren't looking for a date for Friday night or wanting any kind of regular companionship. If they want any social interaction, they go look for it at the library or the senior center or the local Y for an hour or two and then come home to enjoy the peace. They are perfectly happy doing their own thing all by themselves.

There are LOTS of people like that.

Well I wasn't talking about the people that live alone and love it and don't want nothing else. I am talking the people that lives alone and would maybe one in there life like to know what it is like being in relationships or a marriage. Can't do that if you can't live with other people in your home. Far as I'm concerned this world is meant for certain types of people and screw everyone else that doesn't fit it. Probably best for these outsiders to just wither away and die. Put everyone out their misery once and for all. I gets really freaking sick of my therapist saying the same thing over and over again in CBT. Its obviously not working and not for me, so why waste everyone's time? Die today or die tomorrow, either way still going to die. So why wait.

Oh, goodness. There are different people doing different things. Not everyone is meant to have a relationship. Not everyone is meant to be alone.

The problem you seem to have is that you don't accept the life you are leading. You are always looking for something that may be out of your reach.

Remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I'll bet a million that if you were to have the life you so desire you wouldn't be as happy as you wish to be.

Well excuse me for wanting something more. If I'm suppose except the life I have and just be happy with it how am I to do that then since you have all the answers. Some people are meant to be alone and others are meant to be in relationship. Just because people say the opposite doesn't make it right imo. But w/e I don't think too many people get what I am saying anyway. They just want to sit around and focus on the "positive" because it feels better to do that than look at reality.

Do you WANT to be in a relationship?

What is it that you do want? Your posts are full of negativity. It's actually easier to look at the negative than it is to find the positive in life. I've been a depressed person for many years. Been there, done that, got the pea green t-shirt. It was until I learned to change my thinking that I was able to get off the meds and focus on having a happy healthy life.

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Originally Posted by HotHoneyVintage

some people are meant to be alone and others are meant to be in relationship.

People aren't "meant to be" in anything. It's what they choose to do.

If somebody wants to hang out in a sparely-populated, rural area, he lives in Sussex County. If he wants to be with lively, friendly people all around him, he moves to Chicago. It's his choice.

Are you able to live independently and make choices for yourself?

I loves it how people say 'change your thinking' and all of that -- everyone want you to do that, right. People on here, therapist, boards -- yet not one person is willing to say HOW that actually is to be accomplished. I just LOL. What do you mean what is it I want: I posted the questions from the get go, it's the name of the thread, can't get anymore clearer than that, I don't think. I also love it how people say 'oh everyone is different.' or 'we're all the same' yet I don't know anyone else that have the same types of issues I have. I never met one other person. But if they claim to have some of the same issues like on these message boards, they act like it's not a big a deal and they are busy concentrating on the 'positives' or they say they are over these problems because they were able to 'change their thinking.' well good for them, must be nice. I'm going quit my therapy and medications its just a waste of everyone time. Tired of her telling me do same thing every week, that I can't do. So why bother.

I live by myself and I have to make lists and reminders about when how and who to pay my bills to or else I will get it all mixed up or forget :(.I can't drive on the highways and I can barely functions in daily life. I can't moves to chicago because I don't have money for that. I lives in a small studio apt. in a small town in NJ.

Maybe your posts would be negative too if you felt nothing ever went right, not even once or felt that you weren't able to handle daily life. Say what you want but: some people is not equipped to participate/survive in this world, its just too fast and too much for some. Probably defective humans of some sort all I can figure.

Maybe you all have something in your life that you see is worth it. Only thing I see everyday is more challenges. Imo, going through it all isn't worth a hill of beans either.

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Originally Posted by HotHoneyVintage

i live by myself and i have to make lists and reminders about when how and who to pay my bills to or else i will get it all mixed up or forget :(.i can't drive on the highways and i can barely functions in daily life. i can't moves to chicago b/c i don't have money for that. i lives in a small studio apt. in a small town in NJ.

My Asperger's husband has 10,000 lists and reminders so he remembers to do stuff.

I'm very familiar with your area and wonder how you grocery shop or get around if you don't drive.

Are you alone in that studio apartment all day and all night?

W.G.

Yes I am alone mostly but I work remember? But other than that on weekends and stuff I am home alone, maybe someone will call once in a while. I got a neighbor and her husband I talk to sometime but I don't want to intrude or bother them. I do drive, I just don't drive on the highways. I stay local. Does your husband drive on the highways? There is just too many things going on at once, sigh. Can't keep track of the exit signs and turn off at the same time, etc. I gets nervous about merging, tractor trailers, and the speed is too much. People say just 'get over it' and 'do it' but there could be a accident and someone could die! I don't see how that is worth the risk just to appease other people like my family who say I'm too scared of everything.

I been trying get my dead father home organized nearby, it's going in foreclosure and I just want it to be done with. A lot of my stuff is in that house because I been taking care of him for awhile. My brother got his own home and own family... does your husband have good relation with his family and do he 'enjoy' family get togethers etc? How is he about those things?

My husband has been driving since he was sixteen (seems to have no problems and drives on busy highways), but our autistic son is 40, tried to drive and even got his permit, but there were too many stimuli coming at him all at once and too much to think about. Thank goodness we live in a town of 50,000 people, so he can easily walk to the doctor or grocery store or dentist or Dairy Queen or to his job at the public library.

At least he and you are smart to know your limitations. Daniel can remember everything he reads, so he helps me with trivia quizzes and crossword puzzles. If he would be less shy, he could be on Jeopardy! and make lots of money!

Does your brother lives in Sussex County too?

Yes, my husband is very close to his family and is very happy in their presence. He likes only the familiar and only people he knows well. He has no adult friends except two guys he went to high school with. For that reason, he does not like to visit my family that lives 500 miles away and are mostly strangers to him.

w.g. well I said before I do not lives in sussex county I don't even know where that's at. I live in warren county... so what you do when you for your family visits then? Just leave your husband and son at home -- isn't that weird to your family? What you do for fun besides play with the cats?

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Originally Posted by HotHoneyVintage

w.g. well I said before I do not lives in sussex county I don't even know where that's at. I live in warren

Warren is just south of Sussex.

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so what you do when you for your family visits then? Just leave your husband and son at home -- isn't that weird to your family?

My husband refuses to visit my family in NY, but his family lives near us, so we are often there. When we could afford it, I would take our two boys and fly to and from my parents' in NY. My husband and I (once school closed for the summer) would go on a two-week vacation with our sons -- out West.

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what you do for fun besides play with the cats?

I'm a writer, I edit books for people, I do crossword puzzles, I clean house, bake sometimes, I read books and news magazines, and talk on the phone or work/play on my computer.

w.g.

Don't your family get mad or don't understand why he won't visit with them but you're always with his family :(? Is your husband clumsy/have coordination problems at all? A lot of your hobbies sounds like mine, I like cooking and baking, reading, and crossword puzzles too. I have houseguest staying with me at my parents house, 3 family members for one week, visiting. I don't like houseguest even though I like these people generally. I can't turn heat up high like I like it and I just like to have my space/privacy. Sigh. I feels selfish for being this way even though I'm not being nasty to them or anything. This been a long week and I just keep thinking about my life and how it have add up to pretty much nothing significant at this point. Most my peers/ex friends is way ahead in life their own families and everything.

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Originally Posted by HotHoneyVintage

w.g.

Don't your family get mad or don't understand why he won't visit with them but you're always with his family :(?

No. My family lives over 500 miles away and allows us to live and do as we wish. What would they do if they don't like it? Not speak to me? Not send us a Christmas card?

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is your husband clumsy/have coordination problems at all?

Yes. He refuses to dance or go bowling or play volleyball or softball or go bike riding -- large-muscle activities. So we figure out something else to do. He's good with small-muscle activities, like cooking and baking, and stationary large-muscle activities like decorating the house (painting and wallpapering and laying tile).

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I just keep thinking about my life and how it have add up to pretty much nothing significant at this point. Most my peers/ex friends is way ahead in life their own families and everything.

That's only your own prejudices coming through. We are what we are. We accept ourselves as we are and do the best with what we have. No two people are the same, and each one of us has strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect or lives a perfect life. Envying someone else is the biggest time-waster and energy-waster in the world.

Nobody seem to get it. Everyone says 'except things as it is' but yet they don't seem to get what I am saying about being 'normal' and wanting to be. Never mind, sigh.

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Originally Posted by HotHoneyVintage

nobody seem to get it. everyone says 'except things as it is' but yet they dont seem to get what i am saying about being 'normal' and wanting to be. nevermind, sigh.

I want to be Jennifer Lopez, but it won't happen in this life. Be who you are. There are so many wonderful and lovable things about you that make you unique. Why would you want to be someone else? You ARE normal -- so use your strengths, of which you have many.

Well obviously w.g. qualities is not that great and 'special' nobody ever even want to make me their girlfriend or take me out for a nice dinner or anything like that. Like the other girls I know. So IMO, nothing is that great or spectacular, if it was I wouldn't be sitting alone at home every weekend watching football and eating cheese curls by myself.

Do you want to be someone's girlfriend and go out on dates?

Well it don't seem to matter 'what I want' because either way it have never happened. But for the hell of it, yes, I would like to get asked on a date, I don't think that is asking too much out of life, sigh. Just once to see what it is like to be taken out sometime :( I highly doubt I am 'gf material' though. I am too nervous and would always be worried about doing something stupid or wrong and getting dumped.

Maybe he would just loose interest and dump me because I am boring.

Too bad you don't live closer. I know two guys who would be willing to take you out, but then you would have to put up with their nervousness and worry that they wouldn't be good enough for you. It works both ways, you know.

Are they very desperate types? Would take any kind of woman just to have one or to get laid? If so I am not interested in that type of male... what kind of problems they have :/? Anyway I highly doubt they would be interested in taking me out. Now I don't know what cause this but when faced with a real possibility -- I decide I don't want to do it.

Neither would want to get laid. In fact, that thought would scare them to death.

I hope you are safe and warm after the recent snowstorm. My friend in the county north of you has had no electricity all week.

Well... are they adult virgins or something? How would know that it would 'scare them to death?' what's their ages. Do they have kids?

We are fine. No loss of power, around here though many people have like your friends and there's some fallen tree limbs that's about it.

Ages are 28, 36, and 40. All are virgins. None have ever been married. One has never dated. One has Asperger's. All are nice, moral guys.

Well what kind of women they like? What are their looks like - are they 'attractive' enough or not? Ty

They like nice, moral women. All three are normal-looking.

Is there an Asperger's/autism support group in your county?

I looked one time to see if there's a support group in this county and there's on nearby but it's for parents that have kids with A.S. there's not really a lot of anything in this area :/

I feels I probably am a bad person or something that is why I am destined to live alone. Laugh all you want but that's how I see it.