They say it will become a redmark on my permanent record, but the thing is that if I'm not alive than what does my permanent record matter. They refuse to accept I have a problem because they think depression is what happenes to pansies. They think I'm faking it, but the thing is I don't know how much longer I can go on without help. I feel like I'm drowning in the depths of despair with no one to turn to or confide in. :(

How old are you? Are these moods all the time or do they come and go.

You made references twice to "not being alive, how much longer"; are you thinking of harming yourself?

You are not alone.

This has been going on for the past 6-12 months. I've always had recurring bouts of depression throughout my lifetime, but this time it's the worse because I'm a freshmen in college and I am having so much difficulty adjusting to the stress and the expectations. I feel like I can't do anything right, and that I'm not contributing to society so sometimes I catch myself wishing I had never been born.

So you are 18 or 19. Your health insurance is provided by your parents, and they have to approve what you use it for?

Yes. I have no source of income and cannot drive. :(

And, you didn't answer my question... are you thinking of harming yourself?

Not at the moment, no.

I don't know how to describe it. It's like a nagging feeling that's always in the back of my head. I'm afraid I'm going to snap one day and actually hurt myself. I've cut myself before but have never had the courage to actually do something bad.

Is this a four-year college away from home? (I remember how hard it was to adjust during my freshman year. The expectations for me were high and the work was never-ending!)

Is there a campus counseling office? Do you have an advisor?

No, I live at home with my parents. There is a counseling office, but I am afraid to speak to my advisor out of fear that my parents will find out somehow.

Have you made any friends at college yet, I know it hasn't been long.

What about friends back in high school? Would you consider yourself a social butterfly, a person with a few very close friends, or a loner?

I had very few friends in high school and even less in college.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DepthsofDespair

No, I live at home with my parents. There is a counseling office, but I am afraid to speak to my advisor out of fear that my parents will find out somehow.

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Ask your advisor about that -- how confidential is anything that you might tell him. Technically, unless you are a danger to yourself or others, the advisor should respect your confidences and not report them to your parents.

So you feel alone? I'm one of those "have a few close friends" types. I've always wanted to be one of those "happy shiny people" that seem to have all the fun with the cool friends and parties...

In retrospect, now that I think about it, I have no friends in college. Not a single one that I could ask for help.

I believe that what I might tell the advisor would be necessary cause for him or her to believe that I am potentially a danger to myself, but not others.

So, besides your parents, have you told anyone else about your dark thoughts and feelings?

I wouldn't mind feeling alone, if it wasn't the regret and my inhibiting shyness. It gets in the way of my ambitions. And my depression so that I can no longer have goals. Have hope that eventually things will start to get better.

Nobody. I've confided in my little sister about how hopeless I feel, but she can't do anything. I feel bad for even involving her to the most minute scale in my issues. I can't tell anyone. I've effectively pushed everyone that cared about me out of my life, and now I see I have nobody. This is the first time I've ever publicly told anyone about this issue, even though it is anonymously

I don't want to rapid fire questions at you, but I can't help but point out that you got to college!

That is an achievement you cannot deny that. Think about that. Goal set. Goal achieved.

If I look at things in big chunks of time, like, "What am I going to be in five years", I start getting anxious and depressed at all the things that can go wrong.

But, as corny as it might sound, if I start looking at things in very small chunks, I can get through the pain you are talking about.

I am not going to pretend I know one detail of the reasons you are feeling the way you do, but I will tell you truthfully that I have been in the same exact place you are right now, although obviously for different reasons.

I can't even get through the "small chunks" I can't even get through a semester. And in my family it has hard to look at going to college as an achievement since they are all professional people who look down upon my average grades and my struggling. They don't understand why I can't just do it. Why I can't just get a 4.0 GPA and become a doctor, etc. etc.

And, don't feel bad about telling your sister. That is what family is for.

As I was typing that I thought, "Wait a minute, she asked for help from her parents and they said it would be a blemish on her record." Ok. We are not perfect as parents. None of us are. We are just like you, but with lines on our face and gray hairs popping up everywhere.

We have some years on you and some experience, but we make mistakes. Small ones, and giant big ones like this.

I understand that. But I don't understand what I can do to persuade my parents that I really do need help.

They'll just say I'm not studying hard enough which is why I'm struggling in college. That I'm not trying hard enough. :( I dont'know what to do.

A small chunk isn't a "semester", it's today!

Getting up in the morning. Giving yourself goals to accomplish. Accomplishing them to the best of your ability. Get back to bed. Sleep and repeat.

That is how small a chunk of time I am talking about. Looking so far into the future like "I am never going to be a doctor or lawyer like they want"... "they will not accept me for who I am, only what they want me to be"... it's all future stuff, chunks of time not worth wasting energy on.

Aside from cutting yourself in the past, have you ever thought about how you would ever harm yourself?

I can't even focus on today. :( I tried to do my web assignments but I just broke down crying and started researching on Google if I had any options and came across this website and decided to give it a try. Since then I have effectively wasted two hours of study time and am feeling so angry at myself. Yes, I have thought about ways to harm myself.

There is no short answer to "how can I convince my parents I need help" and "how am I ever going to live up to their expectations".

You may not be able to achieve either goal. But, it is quite possible as you grow and mature, they will eventually see you for who you are as a beautiful, individual spirit rather than as a reflection of themselves.

The bottom line is that it doesn't matter at this point. You are an adult, and while you still have to rely on them for things, you are in a transition period between adolescence and full independence. It is a journey, one that you will need friends to journey with.

Are there any family members AT ALL, nieces, nephews, distant cousins - anyone you can speak to about this?

I have none. My shyness and my fear of failure and my depression and low self-esteem and problems get in the way of making friends. I get in my way of making friends. I don't know how to conquer my fears.

None. All of them would phone right away and tell my parents.

Fear. That is a big one. I have been fighting fear my whole life.

You will eventually be able to make friends. Trust me. You will. I know it.

What do you like to do that calms you, makes you feel relaxed? Exercise? Going to a coffee shop? Seeing a movie? Bicycling?

I don't know.

Would you describe your feelings of fear and anxiety as being present in different degrees like a thermometer? From freezing all the way up to burning red hot?

Yes.

Using a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being "red hot", 10 being when you actually considered HOW to harm yourself, and 1 being able to go about your day, maybe even laugh or smile once and awhile - where would you rate your fear and anxiety at the beginning of your post here on the site and right now.

Two numbers. When you posted and right now.

9 and 7

Good. We're going in the right direction. :)

Now, can you think of times when you would describe it at "1", when you could generally go about your day, maybe the fear would pop up here or there, but didn't bother you much, you could smile, maybe even laugh once and awhile?

And, if so - what were you doing those days?

When I'm with people that don't know me that well like at school when we're all working together on a group assignment. Easy days at school since I get to see people even though I don't talk to anyone. Days with my family when they're not criticizing me or pressuring me. I'm not really sure how to answer this question since it's been awhile since I've felt that way.