Ask Me Help Desk - How do I tell my stepmom I cut myself because of her?

How do I tell my stepmom I cut myself because of her?

I have tried many times to tell my mom I cut myself but every time she says she's to busy doing something. Then when she's not she wants me to talk to her in front of my dad. Then when we are alone and I do have a chance to tell her I don't know how. I am unsure if she still cares about me because she never wants anything to do with me and that just gets me cutting more. I believe the problem is because she's not biologically my mom and she doesn't understand but when I try to tell her she just ignores me. Sometimes I don't know if I even exist. I have tried time after time to stop but every night my parents make me feel invisible and stupid. When they do that it makes me cut myself before I go to sleep to keep from crying. When I talked to my counselor at school she told me to do something else like write it down or listen to music. I tried that I even tried punching the wall a few times but it never relieves the emotional pain. I don't know what else to do. Can someone help me?

You choose to cut yourself. Your stepmom and parents don't make you do it. You allow yourself to feel invisible and stupid.

You feel you have no control in your life. You think everyone else is in control of things, but not you. Do you want to be able to control some things rather than cut yourself?

I know its my choice and I hv 2 live with it. I know I choose 2 cut myself by saying I cut because of her I meant I stopped 4 almost 3 months then 1 wendsday I came from church and she gt mad because I asked her if we could talk in private bt she said she wz 2 busy for me. Bt then my sister asked her to help him do something and she said yh. I gt mad because she didn't hv time for me bt did for my sister. And if I'm nt doing something for her then I'm invisible and no 1 notices. I make myself invisible yh bt nt at my house at home your supposed to be able to be free. To answer if I want to be in control, yh 1 thing; my life. I don't want to be cinderella: I do everything and gt nothing in return because I hide behind my fears. But I also don't wnt to be that person everyone hates because they talk 2 much or don't do what others say. I wnt to be myself and nt hv scars on the outside and inside. I her to care. I know I cut because its my choice bt why don't she notice when I hv 3inch long marks on my arm. Its nt that I think its her fault, I think a parent should know her kid,hers or nt, well enough to know when she's nt acting like her normal self.

First off lets use proper grammar & punctuation.

Secondly, no one makes you cut yourself. No matter what they do, no matter how mad they get or why they get mad, how they act or don't act. No one makes you do things.

Sometimes there is no right moment to talk about something like this. Waiting for that right moment to come is going to keep you from doing it. Sometimes all you got to do is make time, blurt it out when you're with her if you have to.

Don't wait until its too late.

P.S. This is not an issue with your mothers actions, this is an issue with your actions (ie: cutting yourself)

You need to discuss your problem with your parents, both of them, so with them both is the correct thing.

Next while you have issues with your mom, it appears, she is not making you do anything, you are making a choice,

So you need to address first your problem, perhaps though counseling to find the real issues and address them.

I know it's my fault. Let me rephrase my question. How do I tell my mom I cut myself and why I do it.

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

I know it's my fault. Let me rephrase my question. How do i tell my mom i cut myself and why i do it.

Do YOU know why you do it?

I do it because I feel alone in the world, and that I have no one to go to for my answers to my questions. I do it because no one's ever around for me when I need someone to be there.

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

I do it because i feel alone in the world, and that i have no one to go to for my answers to my questions. I do it because no one's ever around for me when i need someone to be there.

In other words, you have no control over your life.

How do you think your mother will respond?

She would freak and get really mad. She wouldn't give me a chance to explain. She would try to take total control of my entire life; who I go out with,who I'm allowed to be friends with,and she would want to know everything I'm doing all the time. But I want to tell her because at least someone would notice me. And I want to be alone anymore.

What about first going to an adult who will honestly try to help? Your school counselor or social worker? A priest or minister?

Comment on Wondergirl's post

I talked to one of my youth leaders and she wz helping me bt after a couple months I stopped talking to her. I talked to my school counselor and she just told me ways to advoid it happening, bt I did everything and it still didn't help.

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I talked to one of my youth leaders and she wz helping me bt after a couple months I stopped talking to her.

Why did you stop? Can you go back to her?

Talking with your mom will only make you feel worse, so let's not go there right now.

Comment on Wondergirl's post

Because I felt bad about lying to her. I told her I hd stopped and wz cutting anymore. I tried I just cnt tell her I cut myself again.if I do ill just make 1 more person upset and disappointed with me,enough people are already disappointed with me.

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because I felt bad about lying to her. I told her I hd stopped and wz cutting anymore. I tried I just cnt tell her I cut myself again.if I do ill just make 1 more person upset and disappointed with me,enough people are already disappointed with me.

Do two favors for me please: 1) no texting. Write complete words and sentences with punctuation (just like in school); 2) Use the Answer box at the bottom, not the Comment
Box.

You are assigning imaginary feelings to everyone, and especially to her. That's not fair. She might be somewhat disappointed, but it won't kill her. Give her another chance and be honest with her this time. Meanwhile, I and others are here to help you walk in this dark tunnel. (We have flashlights. :D)

I told her one night and she said she wz disappointed with me that I had lied to her. She told me it made her sad that I had not listened to her and Mrs. Green. I tried to explain but instead I told her that I did not cut again that I lied and told her that I had started again because I wanted to know if she still cared because no one else did. That made her not disappointed anymore,but I felt a little bad about it. She understood when I first told her but I'm not really sure if she does anymore.

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

i wanted to know if she still cared

What would people in your life need to do to show you they care about you?

Notice me:see that I actually exist.that I'm not invisible.listen to me when I talk.at least for ten or fifteen minutes a week.they have time for everyone except me,so that's all I want is to be noticed and for someone listen to what I'm saying and not get mad if I say something wrong or if what I say is nothing but drama.

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

notice me ; listen to me when i talk

Be patient with me. I'm going to throw this back on you for a minute.

Do you use good posture and are visibly doing constructive things around the house and with kids your age? Are you noticeable and are fun to be around?

When you talk, do you use standard English without lots of teen slang and bad grammar? Do you smile when you talk, and speak of pleasant things (not whining or yelling or crying)?

Do you have chores around the house -- and do them?

If I called your mom right now, what would do you think would be her first complaint about you?

I talk about my boyfriend and about my grades and teachers. But that only makes everything worse. I don't use slang when talking to my parents and I only use bad grammar as in saying ain't when everyone says ain't ain't a word. I rarely smile except around my boyfriend because he makes everything better. My chore is washing dishes and I wash and fold the clothes, and I do them without complaining about it. Unlike my siblings. My biological mom would probably say that I'm awesome and is always acting happy. The other mom the one I wrote this about would probably say I'm book smart and make good grades. But that would be it because she sees eveything wrong with me and nothing right.

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

The other mom the one i wrote this about would probablly say i'm book smart and make good grades. But that would be it because she sees eveything wrong with me and nothing right.

So what would she tell me is wrong with you?

She'd would say that I ignore everything she says,that I don't act my age I act like I'm a baby. She would probably say that I need to grow up and stop being such a brat.

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

she'd would say that i ignore everything she says,that i don't act my age i act like i'm a baby. She would probablly say that i need to grow up and stop being such a brat.

Is any of that true?

No its just everything she says hurts my feelings and makes me feel stupid. She asks me if she's wrong and because I don't say anything back she assumes I'm ignoring her. But if I do answer her and she gets mad because I (apparently) have an attitude. And she thinks I don't act my age because I cry sometimes about how she treats me and she gets annoyed and if she tells my dad I'm acting like a baby I'll get in trouble and have to go to my room. And I'm not a brat I don't try to at least she just gets mad at me about anything and everything I do. Is that fair that I get in trouble because she doesn't want to deal with me?

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

no its just everything she says hurts my feelings and makes me feel stupid. she asks me if shes wrong and because i don't say anything back she assumes i'm ignoring her. but if i do answer her and she gets mad because i (apparently) have an attitude. and she thinks i don't act my age because i cry sometimes about how she treats me and she gets annoyed

Let's agree your mom is wrong -- or at least going about this the wrong way. What can you do or say differently to improve the situation?

What if you would ask her how you can do better? What if you ask her what you can change to improve things? And you want specifics, like "make your bed every morning" or "pick up your clothes and don't just drop them on the floor" or "clean off the table without being told." Don't just stay quiet when she asks if she's wrong, but turn it into a question to her, "What specifically can I do to make life better for you and the family?" That way you don't have an "attitude" but show your maturity. And don't cry. Try to smile more and be positive.

Make each conversation with your mom your Academy Award performance of the year.

I'll try but its not all me. She made me feel so alone and on my own today that I carved the word "hate" in my wrist and I didn't even do anything to her at all. I don't understand why she could start yelling at me and not care that I leave for 20 minutes then reappear and th eonly person that knows what I did except joshua. I have nothing to smile about though.that's why I don't smile but no one understands so I doubt you will either.but I will try the whole question thing.

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

I'll try but its not all me. She made me feel so alone and on my own today that I carved the word "hate" in my wrist

Nobody "makes" anybody feel any particular way. It's your choice to feel that way. You had the choice to cut or not, and you chose to do it. Your mom didn't "make" you do it.

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I have nothing to smile about though.that's why I don't smile

Oh, but you do. There is always something to smile about. A year ago, I ended up as an emergency patient in the hospital -- had severe anemia and breast cancer, but I smiled my way through it. By March, the worst was over, but it took six months of smiling to get through it all -- transfusions, surgery, radiation, poking and prodding of all kinds.

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but no one understands so I doubt you will either.

True. I can't walk in your moccasins, nor can you walk in mine. I'm telling you what has worked for me. Maybe it will work for you.

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but I will try the whole question thing.

Thank you. Please let me know what happens.

I know she doesn't make me but I can't really explain it. Have you ever felt like no one was around to stop you from doing something stupid,until it was too late. I promise you I do have one or two things to smile about:one my boyfriend whom I love and two my best friend who is always there even when we disagree. But as far as my family is concerned I have no reason to smile. No one gets it I don't smile because my life is a mess I don't smile because no one is ever around for me to smile. I tried the question thing and it didn't work all I did was ask a simple one. She asked me why do I act like a baby and I said what does everyone want me to do to change. She just started all on me yelling and screaming at me saying that didn't answer her question.

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

she just started all on me yelling and screaming at me saying that didn't answer her question.

I wish you could give me her phone number and let me call her, but we can't do that. Instead, read The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls (from the public library or school library). Let me know when you finish it (it won't take long).

I don't have access to the public library but I'll try the school's library.

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Originally Posted by Taylor1313

i don't have access to the public library but i'll try the school's library.

Why no access to the public library?

I have.no way to get there. My parents have never taken me and they don't think we need a public library if we have 5million books at our house and more in a school library.

I can answer you as someone who, just a mere year ago, cut herself. I did it for the most stupid reasons, but it destroyed me even more. I felt ashamed of myself for what I did, but it was a viscious cycle because the though made me cut again. Until one day, I decided I didn't want to do it anymore. I craved for it, I wanted to. Sometimes I picked up the scissors and brushed my wrist, but I never actually did it from that moment on. I never told me parents, there are only three people who know: my two best friends and my boyfriend. I couldn't count how many times I opened my mouth to say 'mom, I cut myself, help me out'. But I knew I would have hurt her more. So I kept my mouth shut, and I swore to myself two things. That, since I stopped, I wasn't ever going to tell my parents. And that I wouldn't ever do it again. Now I'm fine, I'm happy and although I'm struggling and life is tough I feel much better without the cutting. That was the harderst decision I ever made, but it was also the best.
Telling your mom would make you feel better, and she would listen. It can only make things better, really.

Write her a letter, that's how I told my Dad. Don't blame her for making you cut though, nobody makes you but yourself. Just explain everything to her. She can get you the help to stop and to make the relationship between her and you better.