... or is this how most men really are?

First, a little about myself:
I have 3 sisters, 2 of them lie like dogs, therefore, I can spot a lie/liar a mile away. I'm no angel, but I will be honest with you 99% of the time (I won't hurt your feelings, for instance).

My husband:
Before we married, I told him how much honesty & integrity meant to me. He agreed.

For some reason, in the last 3 or 4 years or so, he doesn't mind lying about the simplest things. And it bugs the you-know-what out of me.

For example, I'll ask him if he's picked up the dog poop from the back yard. He'll say "yes." I'll go out back to turn the water on & I can see that he has NOT picked it up. Or I'll ask if he's checked the fluids in the cars. Again, he'll say "yes" when he hasn't. Or, he'll "borrow" something from me, like something from the house tool box (he's got tools outside in the shed). When I go to look for it and can't find it, he'll lie & say he DID return it. I could go on & on. The result is more work for me.

He will say anything... ANYTHING... that will make his life easier for the time being; so he won't have to do a certain chore at that moment. But what it DOES do is make my respect for him dwindle. I feel like I'm dealing with an 8 year old lately. He promises he won't lie anymore, but he does.

I thought a marriage was supposed to be built on trust & working side by side. Not feeling frustrated all the time.

Or am I being too touchy?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Moynecan

...or is this how most men really are?

First, a little about myself:
I have 3 sisters, 2 of them lie like dogs, therefore, I can spot a lie/liar a mile away. I'm no angel, but I will be honest with you 99% of the time (I won't hurt your feelings, for instance).

My husband:
Before we married, I told him how much honesty & integrity meant to me. He agreed.

For some reason, in the last 3 or 4 years or so, he doesn't mind lying about the simplest things. And it bugs the you-know-what out of me.

For example, I'll ask him if he's picked up the dog poop from the back yard. He'll say "yes." I'll go out back to turn the water on & I can see that he has NOT picked it up. Or I'll ask if he's checked the fluids in the cars. Again, he'll say "yes" when he hasn't. Or, he'll "borrow" something from me, like something from the house tool box (he's got tools outside in the shed). When I go to look for it and can't find it, he'll lie & say he DID return it. I could go on & on. The end result is more work for me.

He will say anything ... ANYTHING ... that will make his life easier for the time being; so he won't have to do a certain chore at that moment. But what it DOES do is make my respect for him dwindle. I feel like I'm dealing with an 8 year old lately. He promises he won't lie anymore, but he does.

I thought a marraige was supposed to be built on trust & working side by side. Not feeling frustrated all the time.

Or am I being too touchy?

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Hi Moynecan,

That does sound like you're dealing with a little boy, not a man. If you've put up with it for the past 3-4 years, I don't think you're being touchy. You are doing more than him, and he's lying so he can fool around as much as possible. Well, that's a kid for you. Some women I know keep right on wiping their husband's butt. Three that I know of are in their seventies. The men don't always lie, but there is a type of "dance" they all do. They know what will push the wife's buttons. They seem to know exactly what to do to avoid just about any chore.

The sad thing is that although you or I might see most of the behavior as disrespect, the women have said things to me like, "oh, but I love Jon!" Or, "I know he sounds mean when he yells at me, but he doesn't mean it," Oh, he'll do anything I ask him to!" She doesn't ask though because he's tired, or he would probably start yelling or her faults would be laid bare at the dinner table by him (but that's her fault too).

It's both childish and RUDE and disrespectful. A wife is not a servant. Neither is a husband for that matter. There are women who pull the same stuff on their mates. The question is, how do you short-circuit the crap and get some respect? Make him accountable. If you see dog doo when you go to turn on the water; go get him and ask why he missed it? If you find your tool missing, demand that he buy you a new one (or find the old one), right away, within the hour. Have a friend come to check the fluid levels in the cars. Make sure he understands why the friend is helping you... to make sure you can do it yourself.

Long ago, I got tired of doing laundry for my ungrateful guy. I stopped washing his, I just did mine and the baby's. My therapist actually suggested it; when she got married, it was with the understanding that she did not expect him to wash her clothes. Unfortunately, my husband and I were the same size and he began wearing my jeans, t-shirts and socks. So I resumed doing his laundry but asked my mom to come over to help me with it. She was extremely vocal and wanted to know why he didn't wash, fold and put away his own clothes? Then, I took a break from his laundry again and he actually did know how! Laundry was one of very few battles I won. I eventually left him for someone more androgynous.

You know he lies. He knows he lies. Let him know loud and clear that you are not able to, at this point believe all of what he says. Tell him what you expect from him, and let him know that there will be consequences if you do not get what you expect. Uphold the consequences! Don't let him intimidate you or lie his way out of his own mess. And, you are such a ? No way! Please don't wipe his hairy butt on up into your seventies. A marriage is generally considered a contract between two consenting adults. Ask that he behaves like the other adult in your marriage.
Simone

Thank you so much for the validation!

There are times when I tell him, "I am not your mother, I am not your sister, I am not your babysitter, I am your wife!" He gives me the usual, "I know, I know," and then he's a resposonsible adult for the rest of the day. Then, it's back to the same crap.

What's really getting to me is that, now, when he apologizes, I don't/can't believe him. No matter what he utters, I no longer believe a word he says. I tell him I've heard it all before and then I feel like I'm being mean to him (why do women always feel bad ?). I no longer feel secure in the way a married couple should feel with each other. He, however, can feel confident with whatever he tells or asks me; he's going to get a straight answer.

I'm sure it would take a complete disaster of some kind to get him to stop the lying. I wish I knew what it was. I know we'd get along WAYY better if I could trust his word.

Well of course not putting up for someone lying, but often not wanting to hear a lot of fuss men will say what they think the wife wants to hear, esp if there has been a lot of fuss about not doing something.

For example, if he did not pick the poop up, and he said no, if you went off on him, he would think, I am going to get fussed out if I say no, if I say yes, she may not notice, so it is easier for me to say yes and hope she does not see.

I know I had wife before that wanted to treat me like she was my mother, and tell me everything I had to do and make my life hell if it was not done that way. While I would not do what your husband is, looking back it would have made life a lot easier if I had.

So with that, most likely there is a good story on his side why he is doing this.

At this point your issues and I am sure his issues which is causing this, needs to come out and be worked with. Marriage counseling can and would be helpful in getting to the problems on this

Oh... after some of our larger disagreements, the words "marraige counseling" has been thrown out there. I wouldn't mind it, but our schedules are so conflicting... he works days & I work graveyards.

I am of the mind to state(unfortunately as a male in this situation) that you are being too critical of him.

I look inward to see what is bothering me about another's actions before pressing them to conform to my way of thinking, IF I am correct, I will pursue the need to change them.

Are you SURE your justified in your judgments of what/who he is, or is there something else to this issue?You mentioned honesty, check that area first(not his, yours)Hyperhonesty is an issue as well as dishonesty.

Rate as you see fit.

KBC

I am constantly checking myself, to make sure I'm not being too critical. Hence, the feelings of guilt.

Is there a good reason/excuse to lie all the time?

No... most men are not like that.

Do we sometimes brush things off, drop the ball? Yep.

But blatant lying about it over and over isn't OK.

The answer about lying and clear consequences seems to make sense... when dealing with someone acting like a child, you probably need to condition him like a child until he gets a clue. The not doing laundry thing is a nice little ex... though you also worry about it becoming a battle of who can do what to whom...

You know the real answer is to understand why he's doing it and what would change that behavior. Obviously your simple disappointment isn't working. Getting into guys head isn't easy, even if you are The Guy.

I had a dumb little stretch when my wife would ask me to do something like make a doc appt, dentist appt, etc... id say I would... then I wouldn't... shed ask... id tell her the truth (I didnt)... shed wait... ask again... repeat. Don't know why I did that... I'm not usually like that... and in retrospect it was really unfair to her... she didn't need to have to deal with that. At some point I guess I decided it was boring and unfair to her and I stopped... but I was in some dumb mental holding pattern and she suffered for it.

You know... come to think of it... I said I wasn't "like that"... but maybe sometimes I was. In college I always thrived on doing work last second. Just had a talent for pulling out a miracle just when it seemed I was doomed. And even later when I taught, I was better at getting focused and done when I had a pile of stuff to do instead of piecing at it a little at a time.

My wife is definitely the opposite... she's good at task management and fighting little fires before they get big.

So maybe delaying her requests for apptmts and other things was me shifting my "normal mode" onto other things areas... all I know is it drove her mad and for a time that didn't seem to break the pattern. What did? I did. I just started taking care of things like that again for the most part and that's been that. Does she still ask me about some things I should be taking care of? Maybe...

She's got her planner pretty well filled in, but I do too... and I think that was part of my problem... when I worked a diff job that forced me to be johnny-on-top-of-it I ran my life with a schedule planner that was electronically posted and available for other to see... it was necessary to keep it current. When I changed jobs I dropped it, so it seems if it wasn't written down, it wasn't as important.

Now I have a running, current planner... if she asks me to do something and I don't right away, it likely goes into the planner... and then gets bumped and bumped to the next day if I can't cross it off. So that's probably been a part of what wasn't working for me and what fixed it.

Obviously "pick up dog poop" shouldn't be something he has on a planner. And even if its on a honey-do list, he has the different problem of fibbing about it.

Still maybe you can setup a honey-do list on the fridge. Tell him you are frustrated that he lying and you are tired of asking and it isn't going to work... from now on you write down your requests. If he crosses them off without doing them, he has documented a lie. Its tangible. Its as real as a trip to the ice box.

Or maybe that's a lousy pretend fix. It still makes you work. It still makes you moniter him. It only, maybe, helps give him some structure... but it doesn't solve why he's not doing it... and he probably needs to figure it out himself, like I did with using the planner to document and track what I'm doing and what I'm letting go.

Don't know if I have any answer for you, after all that writing. I never give the short answer. Ever.

Is this something which started up just recently?

Does it happen in the winter more than the summer?

:( This is a communication problem. You're both adults with different adult stresses to your relationship. If this has been going on for that long it's not going away overnight either, and needs to be constantly 'caught' and corrected. But the first question is "Why"? Does he feel the need to lie because of being constantly 'picked' on at the wrong time, is he lazy, or doesn't feel the need to answer to you? You need to find out the problem and yelling and accusing won't help. Next time you see the dog doo, or the missing tools, physically bring him to the spot and ask Why? Quietly and calmly. Don't let him avoid you. If he walks away, do it again next time. Eventually he'll get frustrated enough to tell you why, although he may blow when he does.

:p P.S. My hubby's answer is contact comedian "Bill Engvel". His dog eats poop. (Totally yuk! But watching "the Redneck Comedy Tour" may be a conversation opener.)He also makes the obvious point that you can't lie about picking up the doo - it's either there or it's not - why the stupid lie?

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Originally Posted by Taz1

:( This is a communication problem. You're both adults with different adult stresses to your relationship. If this has been going on for that long it's not going away overnight either, and needs to be constantly 'caught' and corrected.

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Thanks, but it's the "caught & corrected" part that bothers me. I really dislike treating him like a child, but GEEZ, I have no idea how to get him to understand how much I hate the lying.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KBC

Is this something which started up just recently?

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No. I can't say it comes & goes, but there's definately a 'wave' quality to it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KBC

Does it happen in the winter more than the summer?

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Nope. It's unseasonal.

Kp2171 had some amazing things to say on this one. I was reminded of a very important fact. Men (generally speaking) do BIG things. The small, everyday, wears you out and makes you sick that no one will help, or appreciate chores, men aren't bothered by them. Women, in general are more tuned into "minutia." We tend to get bent when he keeps walking past that one pair of dirty socks on the floor. His feeling about it (correct me, guys) is that it isn't worth bending over for, at least until the pile is BIG.

Men get nagged about stuff that they don't even worry about. Women nag, and feel like they aren't getting help from 50% of the marriage relationship.

I read about it once; how men do not understand that women keep points. We aren't mean, we just watch all the little things, all the time. Going to work and bringing home money does not score you 50 points. That is only one point, picking up that stray pair of socks is one point, Occupying children so that your wife can take an uninterrupted bath is one point, loading the dishwasher is one point, running an errand is one point. Maybe women need to understand that men don't get it. They're wired differently. Men aren't lazy, they just don't get it.

Simoneaugie, this reminds me of the guy who when he did do the vacuuming would rather stand there and go over a piece of dirt fifty times with the vac than stoop over and pick it up.

I really don't believe that this is actual laziness. It really is that us guys are "wired" differently. You know; this damn vac was made to pick this up so...
Stringer

I don't know, but I had to read to see if you just by chance mentioned my husband's name. He is the same way... laundry and all. Now he washes clothes, just doesn't fold and put them up... but hey, they are clean. I'm with you moynecan, it get's on my nerves when I catch him in those little white lies.

I think it is all how you were raised, not how you're wired. There are plenty of men that tell the truth about the little tedious things. I was taught not to lie, so I don't now that I'm grown. I look at it like a never ending battle. You never "know" when you're being lied to, until you find the evidence, by that time you have kind of gotten over it.

At first, when we married, my husband told me the women stay in the kitchen and chat and clean and cook (he's from the country), the men go out back and play with cars. I let him know real quick, not in my household. I pay the mortgage... you do the cleaning. You pay the bills... I do the cleaning. This is strictly 50/50!

I even went to the extent of making a cleaning chore list (you can't deny you didn't do it if it's not clean!). One room for him and one for me... split the house right down the middle. (it doesn't help with the lies, but it helps with the chores). Takes more stress off my shoulders so I can deal with the little crap when it comes up.

Aside from little stuff, is he doing his part? Does he seem to be honest with the important stuff?

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Originally Posted by rpg219

I don't know, but I had to read to see if you just by chance mentioned my husband's name. He is the same way...laundry and all. Now he washes clothes, just doesn't fold and put them up....but hey, they are clean. I'm with you moynecan, it get's on my nerves when I catch him in those little white lies.

I think it is all how you were raised, not how you're wired. There are plenty of men that tell the truth about the little tedious things. I was taught not to lie, so I don't now that I'm grown. I look at it like a never ending battle. You never "know" when you're being lied to, until you find the evidence, by that time you have kinda gotten over it.

At first, when we married, my husband told me the women stay in the kitchen and chat and clean and cook (he's from the country), the men go out back and play with cars. I let him know real quick, not in my household. I pay the mortgage...you do the cleaning. You pay the bills...I do the cleaning. This is strictly 50/50!

I even went to the extent of making a cleaning chore list (you can't deny you didn't do it if it's not clean!). One room for him and one for me...split the house right down the middle. (it doesn't help with the lies, but it helps with the chores). Takes more stress off my shoulders so I can deal with the little crap when it comes up.

Aside from little stuff, is he doing his part? Does he seem to be honest with the important stuff?

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Rpg... this is the "Old guy", I wasn't really referring to the lies as when I mentioned us being "wired" differently. I can not stand a liar either, man or woman. I meant something totally different in that we do look at things differently. Like my vacuum story. Ha:rolleyes: Obviously a woman would stoop and pick up the dirt...

I understood "gramps", LMAO! I'm kind of like that too... challenge everything for what it's worth. I know you don't fall into "this" category Stringer. I just don't think it's a "guy thing". I think that we have just picked a couple that have a little coning in them... will tell you what you want to hear, so they don't have to hear us :)

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Originally Posted by rpg219

I understood "gramps", LMAO! I'm kinda like that too...challenge everything for what it's worth. I know you don't fall into "this" category Stringer. I just don't think it's a "guy thing". I think that we have just picked a couple that have a little coning in them...will tell you what you want to hear, so they don't have to hear us :)

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I'm sorry that, that is the case. Lying is never a good thing for any reason. "If we don't stand for something, we will fall for everything.":(

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Originally Posted by Stringer

I'm sorry that, that is the case. Lying is never a good thing for any reason. "If we don't stand for something, we will fall for everything.":(

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Again... wise, wise man!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by simoneaugie

Hi Moynecan,

That does sound like you're dealing with a little boy, not a man. If you've put up with it for the past 3-4 years, I don't think you're being touchy. You are doing more than him, and he's lying so he can fool around as much as possible. Well, that's a kid for you. Some women I know keep right on wiping their husband's butt. Three that I know of are in their seventies. The men don't always lie, but there is a type of "dance" they all do. They know what will push the wife's buttons. They seem to know exactly what to do to avoid just about any chore.

The sad thing is that although you or I might see most of the behavior as disrespect, the women have said things to me like, "oh, but I love Jon!" Or, "I know he sounds mean when he yells at me, but he doesn't mean it," Oh, he'll do anything I ask him to!" She doesn't ask though because he's tired, or he would probably start yelling or her faults would be laid bare at the dinner table by him (but that's her fault too).

It's both childish and RUDE and disrespectful. A wife is not a servant. Neither is a husband for that matter. There are women who pull the same stuff on their mates. The question is, how do you short-circuit the crap and get some respect? Make him accountable. If you see dog doo when you go to turn on the water; go get him and ask why he missed it? If you find your tool missing, demand that he buy you a new one (or find the old one), right away, within the hour. Have a friend come to check the fluid levels in the cars. Make sure he understands why the friend is helping you...to make sure you can do it yourself.

Long ago, I got tired of doing laundry for my ungrateful guy. I stopped washing his, I just did mine and the baby's. My therapist actually suggested it; when she got married, it was with the understanding that she did not expect him to wash her clothes. Unfortunately, my husband and I were the same size and he began wearing my jeans, t-shirts and socks. So I resumed doing his laundry but asked my mom to come over to help me with it. She was extremely vocal and wanted to know why he didn't wash, fold and put away his own clothes? Then, I took a break from his laundry again and he actually did know how! Laundry was one of very few battles I won. I eventually left him for someone more androgynous.

You know he lies. He knows he lies. Let him know loud and clear that you are not able to, at this point believe all of what he says. Tell him what you expect from him, and let him know that there will be consequences if you do not get what you expect. Uphold the consequences! Don't let him intimidate you or lie his way out of his own mess. And, you are such a ? No way! Please don't wipe his hairy butt on up into your seventies. A marriage is generally considered a contract between two consenting adults. Ask that he behaves like the other adult in your marriage.
Simone

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Although I agree with stringers response, this is a powerful post, I am a little put out by the contempt for a males needs/responses.

I am a single male, with a past smiler to this 'males' present day.If MY wife had problems with something I did or didn't do, she would communicate to no end, her will and needs.

If he lies, is it for 'attention' or a need unspoken?

Does he probably need to grow up?

Can the OP learn coping skills towards a better marriage? OR get divorced because of the original idea(ABUSE)

Contempt for men who haven't a clue as to what they need is immature itself,as well as selfish, if you really love and care for this person (marriage=what?)(Love=what?)Where is the willingness to see beyond the personal 'quirks' of the one, for the needs of the unit?

In today's society, we see divorce rates higher because of this very issue, and for what?Someone's views,and pasts influencing another's,stating,"This worked for me!!!"He did this,so I found the next best thing, who does that"

My question is,is the grass really greener on the other side, or do we grow and compromise, and accept the new partners "quirks" better than the last ones,being less critical of them for whatever reason.

A lier needs to look for a reason to change,pain is the only thing that brought ME to look for answers(not from being a lier,but a 'lazy,no good,uncaring,selfish ex husband'),I would like to help others NOT go down this road if I can, by writing to peoples posts and asking questions,continued dialog and getting responses from them! Not other members who can't argue FACTS, but simply disagree to disagree.

KEN

You're right guys, people are complex. Understanding the quirks of the opposite sex isn't automatic. My anger towards the "abusive" behavior comes from my mother. She was raised in the south. As a child she was assigned endless duties from sanding walls to rolling her parent's cigarettes. All the while, she saw her dad sitting, watching TV or whatever he felt like doing.

Anyone can become addicted to TV. The funny thing is that I was raised in a household where watching the TV was a family thing. We decided as a group what we would watch. After the show was over, the TV was turned off and together, we discussed what we had seen. I'm grateful for the perspective that has afforded me, but, my skin crawls if I am in someone else's house and their TV is left on all day. If there are males sitting to watch it I can become very angry, especially if the females are fixing food, doing dishes and supervising the kids.

The point is, people are not only different, they are fragile. Protecting the self is vital to continued sanity. The ways we end up protecting ourselves can get twisted. What is sad is that Moynekin, and other women (and men) like her even have to ask, to question themselves when something hurts. We so often wonder if it's something we are doing wrong. We are taught in our upbringing to behave in a certain way. I was taught that it's normal to be angry at men all the time, but wrong to question anything they do, especially if it is hurtful to me. That teaching does not inspire growth. Talking to you guys does, thanks.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by simoneaugie

You're right guys, people are complex. Understanding the quirks of the opposite sex isn't automatic. My anger towards the "abusive" behavior comes from my mother. She was raised in the south. As a child she was assigned endless duties from sanding walls to rolling her parent's cigarettes. All the while, she saw her dad sitting, watching TV or whatever he felt like doing.

Anyone can become addicted to TV. The funny thing is that I was raised in a household where watching the TV was a family thing. We decided as a group what we would watch. After the show was over, the TV was turned off and together, we discussed what we had seen. I'm grateful for the perspective that has afforded me, but, my skin crawls if I am in someone else's house and their TV is left on all day. If there are males sitting to watch it I can become very angry, especially if the females are fixing food, doing dishes and supervising the kids.

The point is, people are not only different, they are fragile. Protecting the self is vital to continued sanity. The ways we end up protecting ourselves can get twisted. What is sad is that Moynekin, and other women (and men) like her even have to ask, to question themselves when something hurts. We so often wonder if it's something we are doing wrong. We are taught in our upbringing to behave in a certain way. I was taught that it's normal to be angry at men all the time, but wrong to question anything they do, especially if it is hurtful to me. That teaching does not inspire growth. Talking to you guys does, thanks.

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I think that your comments are good ones simoneaugie, I am sorry that you were raised in this manner. Hopefully today we can be a little more progressive and understand each other more. Makes you wonder... where did all those "old" sayings come from? Such as; "You can't live with them and you can't live without them.." "Change what you can, give me strength to live with the rest..."? (Not verbatim)

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Originally Posted by rpg219

At first, when we married, my husband told me the women stay in the kitchen and chat and clean and cook (he's from the country), the men go out back and play with cars. I let him know real quick, not in my household. I pay the mortgage...you do the cleaning. You pay the bills...I do the cleaning. This is strictly 50/50!

Aside from little stuff, is he doing his part? Does he seem to be honest with the important stuff?

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This household used to be 50/50 without the little reminders I have to give him (I refuse to call it nagging because I will mention the neglected chore to him once, and again in a day or two if it hasn't been done. If it still hasn't been done, then I either do it myself or threatenen to have it done by an outside source. That seems to get his attention), with his responsibilities being the outside of the house and mine being the inside. Now, I go about my business with my chores, no reminders needed, while he does work on the laptop. Oh, he'll spend an hour or so outside on a weekend morning doing God-knows-what ... and yet, the dog poop lays there, completely overlooked.

The important stuff? I don't know. I have a really hard time believing what he says now. I'll explain that in my next post. We have a problem here.

OK, here's what, I believe, started it all:

About 3 years ago, we decided to quit smoking. We also decided it was best that we did not quit at the same time, because if we did, one of us would be in prison for murder. Since he was having blood pressure issues, he would go first.

He used the patch, but was having a difficult time. He's from the UK, came to the States in 1999, and smoked "rollies." Those are awful roll-your-own smokes. Anyway, I was practically a saint (even if I do say so myself) in supporting him. I still smoked, and offered to go outside & smoke or not smoke around him at all, but he always told me it was OK, that it didn't bother him. I put everything I had into supporting him. I let him take his anger out on me, say the most ridiculous things to me, put up with fitful nights trying to sleep, all knowing that it was because he was quitting a 40+ year habit.

Slowly, I could see the change. His mood was better, not just sometimes, but all the time. He was walking more upright, taller, not like he's just dropped a quarter on the ground. And he was more affectionate in the little things, like looking at me while we talked, not looking down to roll a smoke while we talked. I bragged about him to everyone that would listen, I was so proud. I was happy that he was going to lead a healthier life. That we both were.

He finally quit. It was my turn. I smoked my last cigarette on October 28th, 2005 and started the patch. He was very supportive to me, as well. But I am a very determined person ... when I'm done with something, there's no turning back.

About 6 months later, while at work (we worked together), he opened a drawer looking for a pen, forgetting that his pack of tobacco was there. He saw that I had seen it and tried to tell me that it wasn't his, etc. I just about came unglued. I knew he was lying.

Then I realized how he'd been acting towards me in the past few weeks. He'd talk to me from across the room, not give me a kiss hello when he came home from work, be very eager to go on little errands for me, etc. It's because he didn't want me to smell the smoke on him.

I know how hard it is to quit smoking. I can understand and get past a little backsliding. But to lie to me, DENY that he'd been doing it and then try to make me feel as I were going CRAZY ... that really pisses me off.

He eventually quit, but the trust I had in him diminished. I couldn't believe a word he said.

This year, in late September, my in-laws flew out from the UK for vacation. We decided to rent an RV and drive up to Yellowstone. My sister-in-law is the only smoker. I asked my husband if that was going to bother him & he assured me that, no, it wouldn't. "I haven't smoked in 2 years," he said. "I'll be fine."

We had a wonderful trip. I must admit, though, that I watched him when he was around his sister. He seemed to be OK.

About a month ago, I caught him. He was out in the shed working on his hobby. I came out to ask him something and he stood up, while turning his back to me. He was trying to pocket a lighter. I asked what he was doing & he said, "nothing." He tried to turn around to face me but it was very unnatural, the way he did it. Then, I looked at the work table and saw it ... a Diet Pepsi can with ashes all around the rim. Again, I almost came unglued, not because he was smoking, but because he denied doing it.

And again, I thought back over the past few weeks and how he'd not kissed me hello, talked to me from across the room, etc.

He said it was because of his sister. Frankly, I had come to the point where I couldn't care less about his reason, excuses, whatever. To me, they were all lies.

So, you see, this is where it started. And I don't know how the hell I'm going to ever trust him again.

Wow, you figured it out. It sounds like he isn't ready to quit. Have the two of you talked about that without anger? Nicotine is a drug. Nicotine is a drug more addicting than heroin. He had the rolling activity to give up too. Drugs make people do the stupidest things, even lie to a spouse they very much respect.

Forgive the lies! Sit and talk with him about the incredibly addictive nature of everything surrounding the smoking habit. You said that you were supportive while he was quitting. It sounds, from your description that you went the extra mile and then some. He needs your support now, whether he is smoking or not!

I understand your feelings about lies, about the people who tell them. Lies are like smoking or chewing fingernails though. They become a habit. So, I'll say it again. Forgive the lies. Accept that he is a smoker until he makes up his mind to quit. Tell him that he is forgiven and that future lies aren't necessary. You are his partner, his friend and love him in spite of his faults. I think things will get much better in all areas once this issue is addressed.

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Originally Posted by simoneaugie

Have the two of you talked about that without anger?

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Yes, we have. A few times. Just when I think we're on the same page about it, he does something dishonest. Frustrating. :mad: