I'm trying now to stay because I can't handle this pressure. I don't know what to do or where to turn. Except I don't want to stay again, or more, because my mom has been into everything and more and more people are becoming aware that I'm having problems (that I'm considering dropping out). That makes staying even harder. I don't want that attention. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've lost control of this situation, and it's no longer in my hands. I feel like I've lost my chance at a first impression. I have no time to decide one of the biggest decisions I'll ever make.

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Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

I can't stand this feeling. I feel like I can do no right and make no one happy. I don't wnat to be me. I don't want to be anything. I feel like I've fed everything up and it's too late. I don't even know how to live with myself and my decisions.

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Has someone said something to you to make you feel that way?

Your anxiety is palpable. But if you can just get through this period of difficulty, I think you'll find tomorrow is better. When are your family coming?

My sister and that guy (the 26 year old) have been basically telling me I'm fing up and I need a plan and I'm quitting too soon and just yelling at me. Now the 26 year old won't even talk to me. My sister keeps asking me questions I don't know the answer to and placing more pressure on me. I'm losing people left and right it seems.

They'll be here at ten or eleven am, but I don't know what I'm going to do..

I once had a therapist tell me to "cultivate ambivalence." I have found it really annoying, but sometimes it's the right answer. Basically he meant that instead of trying to force a decision, run away from it and then it will find you. Or at least that's what I have decided he meant. It's generally true.

Take your time. They think they are helping. They know you well, care about you, and probably worry that you'll regret this and want to spare you that. I really doubt they will abandon you for this decision. I'm encouraged that you seem to have so many people who really care about you.

For now, try to push everybody's opinions out of your mind and just don't think about what you'll do. The thing is that you can always change your mind. Whatever you decide will be okay and you don't HAVe to make any decision right now. The important thing is to get well.

My mom has been talking to that center that offers counseling to try and figure out options. They think this is easy, apparentally, rather than the usual suicide watch (dark humor there). They said there are thirty available beds and loopholes around the drop out the first week or be stuck with the bill policy. We'll see. I need to somehow surround myself with help and support, but I don't know if I'm going about it the right way at all. It's scary.

If I run from the college, it may not take me back.
I feel reckless in my quest for someone to lean on.





Also, how am I supposed to talk with anyone at the center if they are already familiar with my family..

First, you made an impulsive decision. Not good at all.

Cousleling isn't going to work by itself. Been there, done that.

Medically, I believe, and so do I believe that asking believes that you have a MEDICAL condition that needs to be addressed.

Until the medical issue is addressed, counseling will have no effect. Trust us on this.

So what do you think is wrong with me, medically? What are you getting at?

I am very mpulsive.

I'll leave you with this website: Mental disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

You're a candidate for anti-depresessants and I believe Welbutrin will be a good match. These drugs modify brain chemistry/communication.

A neuropsychlogist can get to roots of major problems. Testing such as an MMPI and other tests can get to root of problems whether is be belittled by parents, emotionally abused by parents, whatever. Those tests run about $2K w/o insurance and take at least a day to do. Been there. Done that. The MMPI will take about 3 hours to do. It's a multiple choice test. About 400 questions.

Once you know what the problem is, you can begin to solve it.

Finally, I've struck a nerve. Been wanting to do that.

Neither of us is qualified to issue diagnoses. I think you are basically depressed and really anxious. I am not sure what KISS is thinking, but something along those lines. I think he has a point about the Wellbutrin, but I would not dismiss counseling so easily. I just mainly feel that you need to take the pressure off yourself and stop assuming everyone is judging you harshly. You frankly seem like a really neat person and you need to internalize that somehow. That you are OkAY. :) KISS is right, though, that the right antidepressant might make that a lot easier.

I don't know enough about you to feel like I have a sense of how deep this unhappiness goes or where it comes from. I am puzzled that you seem to have a loving family and people who like you and yet you seem afraid to lean on them or on others generally. It's like there's some trust issues.? Where does that feeling come from that having people help you is not okay? What do you think?

I am just a writer of biology textbooks, not a therapist or a psychiatrist. I just do this--why? I don't know, because it's cool to connect with people and feel like I made a tiny difference.

I read a question and I want to answer it, or I don't. I wanted to answer yours...

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Originally Posted by KeepItSimpleStupid

Testing such as an MMPI and other tests can get to root of problems whether is be belittled by parents, emotionally abused by parents, whatever. Those tests run about $2K w/o insurance and take at least a day to do. Been there. Done that. The MMPI will take about 3 hours to do. It's a multiple choice test. About 400 questions.

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I took one of those once and the psychologist told me it was "unscoreable" and I needed to take it over. (Does this mean I have no personality?) I actually answered every single question as honestly as I could. I refused to take it again and he got angry. I think he had issues. :)

Whatever you do, do not connect the dots that say I'm taking or need to take an anti-depressant because I'm depressed. It may or may not be the case that you are depressed.

I took the MMPI 3x. Once it was unscoreable too. I didn't find out why until I ed. I was told that I did not answer all the questions. An answer must be everywhere aparently for the test to be valid. I had a psychologist go over the raw scores. A diffeent one that administered the test. The guy that administered the test said the results were in the report. The raw score is only about 14 characters.

I can't remember when I started having trust issues. I tend to lean more on those who can't help or don't want to-probably because I subconciously know I won't actually have to act. I do want change and help, I'm just afraid of it.

I know that in school I'd struggle before I sought help. Teachers commented on that a lot. It's why I'm so horrible at math.

I know when I told the guy I liked (who actually reached out to me a little tonight) about my cutting, he pulled away from me.

I think my issues seeking help can be dated back to first grade, maybe kindergarten, to be honest. Would you consider that the same as trust issues?


I don't have $2000 to dish out, and you can't get a prescription without a diagnosis. I'm not great at communicating..

I've taken various online psych evaluations and always score high for anxiety and depression and a multitude of mental illnesses. Then again, I only take the tests when I'm not well. Sometimes I'm okay.. don't you have to always be not okay to have an illness? My problems generally seem enviromental; I just react strongly..

You don't need the $2K, so don't worry about it.

You don't need a dx to get a prescription.

Your general doctor may be willing to prescribe it. There is nothing magic or nasty to worry about. If your lucky and have a good relationship with your GP, consider getting it called in to a pharmacy nearby. There is a standard way to prescribe with incremental increases in dosages. Make sure you get the SR form. Not XL and not plain.

Bet I know why your horrible at math? You can't memorize, right?

If someone gave you verbal directions on the street would you have to write them down? Bet he answer is yes?

Any visual memory?

Memory by repitition or like how you memorize how to ride a bike?

Confiding early in a relationship is going to be troublesome. No one wants a SO with a mental illness.

I think we figured out the anxiety and depression. Usually these behaviors are transient in most people and they go away on their own. There re-current with you, but not continuous.

Wellbutrin will help the reacting strongly.

Something is hidden with the trust issue. I'm thinking upbringing, parents and emotional abuse. A promise(s) that was made and never kept.

I don't think you have to take expensive tests. Any doctor can prescribe an antidepressant, although sometimes I think they are too cavalier about it. Anyway, I suspect it would not be hard for you to get a prescription. But if you do go that route, I hope you will do it only if you will be in daily touch with someone who knows you well who can decide if it's making you worse, which antidepressants occasionally do. It's not quite rare enough to be something you can just not worry about it.

Well, okay, it happened to me. I took an antidepressant for a week and was ready to off myself and I wasn't really even depressed when I started taking it. The doctor gave it to me for back pain. I got scared and stopped taking it. I had kids; I couldn't be feeling like that. They say that only happens in teenagers, but I was 48 or so. (I like to think that means I have a youthful brain.)

Anyway, the guy who got scared off. I think most people are afraid of the idea of cutting. I don't know much about it myself. I can sort of half understand doing it. I think I read that it releases endorphins, so you feel better for a while. Yes? I never know if it's better to conceal things like that from people. I generally like honesty, but maybe there's a limit there...

I don't know if feeling like you have to do everything yourself is about trust. When you describe it the way you did, it sounds different. More like maybe your folks were too distracted to pay much attention when you were little and you felt on your own too early?

But then leaning on those who can't help, or don't really want to, is an interesting twist. Have to think about that.

KISS, I'm not good at learning from verbal instruction only. I have to see things written down. So what does that mean?

Lemons, did you have any really difficult times as a kid? You mentioned that your father was depressed. Is this related to anything that happened or just kind of constitutional? Being around a depressed person can make you feel depressed. And you may be more responsive to stress than average. A lot of people are like that. It might well have to do with something that happened to you when you were younger.

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Originally Posted by asking

But then leaning on those who can't help, or don't really want to, is an interesting twist. Have to think about that.

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Easy one. Fear of change. This little school thing is really fear. She want to go back to where she feels safe.

But, essentially you have to stay to overcome the fear and you need a little help (medication) to allow you to do that.

Okay, that makes sense.

But, on the other hand, wouldn't it be safer to get stabilized before starting this new and scary thing (school)? I mean safer as in not cutting and taking lethal doses of Tylenol...

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Originally Posted by asking

KISS, I'm not good at learning from verbal instruction only. I have to see things written down. So what does that mean??

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It means we are handicapped in a way, Memory has components of visual, verbal and kinestetic. We have to recognize and find ways to utilize other ways to memorize.

Those that have photographic memory can get through medical school with a breeze. Perform operations with ease the first few times.

The verbal guys can be good Lawyers.

The Kinestetic guys might have good logic and intuitive skills, but can't pass tests very well at all and thus flunk out of college even though they are smart.

Teachers, I believe, don't realize this.

Get the idea.

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Originally Posted by asking

But, on the other hand, wouldn't it be safer to get stabilized before starting this new and scary thing (school)? I mean safer as in not cutting and taking lethal doses of Tylenol...

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I'm going to say no. Like I said, make the courses something you can definitely handle, even if it's not what everyone else does.

Home will be a negative influence. One has to be able to stay focused and occupied not belittled.

She told the roommate off, who knows if it was in the best way, but that's a start. That's part of learning how to deal with the new situation.