I think you need a medication. Let a doc decide.
|
I think you need a medication. Let a doc decide.
It doesn't matter if what's bothering you has a name (i.e. it's an illness) or not. You need some kind of help from someone who can help figure out the answer to that question, and, more important, get better.Quote:
Originally Posted by give2me1lemons
I have to keep this short today.
I told off creepy guy, finally. I can't rely on him for validation. I had to hurt him a little to help him, but he needed to get I was bad for him anyway.
I told the 26 year old I left college and my new plan. I told him if he wants to talk, I'm here, but I won't make his life anymore complicated than it already is. He knows how to find me, but I know he won't.
I won't talk to friends or family (except for one of my best friends and if anyone bothers to reach me) until things are more in motion. They disapprove of my dropping out anyway and are never satisfied. They are always asking me what comes next.
I know my mind is different, but I don't know what that translates to. I think if I keep distracted and busy, I won't fall into that rut again. I'm afraid of what drugs would do to me. Stabalize me maybe, but then maybe I'd be boring (more boring?), too.
I could keep talking on here as long as people responded. However, I think I need to step back and let people who are more proactive get the advice I can't quite seem to take.
I know I should get a liver function test and some kind of help or advice from a professional. I know I need to stop hurting myself. Maybe someday I can achieve this.
Thank you all for your support and advice. I don't quite want to step back, but I think you have probably done all you can for me.
Stop drugs. Back to square 1. Nothing lost If your distracted, you cannot make good decisions.Quote:
I know my mind is different, but I don't know what that translates to. I think if I keep distracted and busy, I won't fall into that rut again. I'm afraid of what drugs would do to me. Stabalize me maybe, but then maybe I'd be boring (more boring?), too.
Makes little sense to me except the first line.Quote:
I could keep talking on here as long as people responded. However, I think I need to step back and let people who are more proactive get the advice I can't quite seem to take.
Then do, what was suggested. What HARM can come of it?Quote:
I know I should get a liver function test and some kind of help or advice from a professional. I know I need to stop hurting myself. Maybe someday I can achieve this.
Thank you all for your support and advice. I don't quite want to step back, but I think you have probably done all you can for me.
By drugs I mean antidepressants. I'm wary of how they would change me.
I think if I keep moving, I won't get depressed again.
I think other people are more willing to help themselves and deserve the advice and dedication I've been receiving. I'm not sure I'm ready..
Thank you.
EDIT: I just realized-even if I was ready, I can't get help now anyway. I'm 18 and not attending college nor employed, therefore I have no insurance. The liver function test isn't going to happen now either. Universal healthcare has my vote..
Tell me.. what makes people think if you don't go to college then you'll be nothing? What entitles them to make you feel like sh*t? Why is it that even someone who went to college for four years, did nothing with their degree, and now works at a job they hate, albeit successfully, thinks little of me for leaving after a week? Why does my sister, who went to two separate colleges she hated before going online for a degree she doesn't need and doesn't care about (never studies or reads the material) but is still successful, think I'm a quitter? Why does my friend, who has a worse track record with absences in high school, almost didn't go to college, and last minute ended up commuting to a community college (he started classes today), feel he can say "what a shame, I thought you'd stick it out" when I tell him what I decided. Why does my grandmother threaten to "fix" me if I lived with her, actually believing she has to make me get a job and pay rent and tell me it's not a vacation like I'm some selfish parolee when I suggested rent in a heartbeat and don't want to burden her in the first place? Why when I confide in my two closest friends about how I really felt and what was really going on do I get "holy sh*t, that's not good, no one should have to live like that" and "whattt? are you okay? tell me next time"? Maybe I'm asking too much, but I don't really feel the support.
Then my sister asking me how I plan to get the money to volunteer (after I already told her I need a job before I can do it). Then her response to my job hunt thus far and my consideration of two full time jobs; "definitely...then you can put your phone in your name". I see that as very passive aggressive, and like she wants to cut ties with me. I told her to cancel it, as I have before. I told her I can't afford it right now.
Why can't I make anyone see how I'm hurting? Why can't I find any tangible support? Am I really such a horrible person?
Then I help my friend last night and agree to spend six hours in the car with her so she can try to fix things up with her stupid boyfriend that doesn't care about her, and she thanks me for being there for her. All I really want is someone there for me.
Maybe I made the wrong decision-I don't know. I just know how miserable I was surrounded by my peers and that I felt like I couldn't fix things on my own. Being miserable fed up everything there for me.
It's so hard to just stay silent.
Hi Lemons,
I had some health stuff this week, but I'm feeling better and wanted to check in a bit.
Well, there are probably different reasons for each person. The main thing is that all this stuff tells you something about THEM, not about you. I'm guessing most of them are disappointed in themselves to varying degrees and so they get it out by projecting that feeling onto you. It stinks, and you can't stop people from saying whatever they want, but you can avoid people when they are talking that way. Also, you could calmly tell them that when they say things like that it makes you feel bad and you really want their support right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by give2me1lemons
That's so galling. I hate it when people do that--just assume the worst about a person. I'm disappointed that she says something like this to you. I was hoping she would be a kind and patient granny who would give you a safe place to recover your equanimity.Quote:
Why does my grandmother threaten to "fix" me if I lived with her, actually believing she has to make me get a job and pay rent and tell me it's not a vacation like I'm some selfish parolee when I suggested rent in a heartbeat and don't want to burden her in the first place?
Here I disagree. To me, it sounds like your friends are trying to be supportive and sympathetic and even offering support--"tell me next time."Quote:
Why when I confide in my two closest friends about how I really felt and what was really going on do I get "holy sh*t, that's not good, no one should have to live like that" and "whattt? are you okay? tell me next time"? Maybe I'm asking too much, but I don't really feel the support.
What did it feel like they were saying?
My sense here is that you are overreacting a little to some mildly insensitive remarks. She may just have forgotten for a minute about your telling her about getting a job. As for the phone, is it in her name? Why does she care about it? I'm guessing there's some issue here I don't know about. Also, how much older than you is she? You might have told me, but I forget.Quote:
Then my sister asking me how I plan to get the money to volunteer (after I already told her I need a job before I can do it). Then her response to my job hunt thus far and my consideration of two full time jobs; "definitely...then you can put your phone in your name". I see that as very passive aggressive, and like she wants to cut ties with me. I told her to cancel it, as I have before. I told her I can't afford it right now.
Obviously you are not a horrible person! But you do seem angry. I'm not saying you don't have reason to be. But it's hard for people close to you to cope with that. They get defensive, say things they shouldn't, then maybe you do too. It's a vicious cycle that just makes things worse.Quote:
Why can't I make anyone see how I'm hurting? Why can't I find any tangible support? Am I really such a horrible person?
So it might help you if you could say here what you mean by "tangible support." What is it you want from someone?
So ask her to be there for you! Did you talk about your problems during the six hours? If not, tell her you need someone to talk to and ask her to help you by listening. She may be distracted by her own heart break, but she might at least try. Sometimes though you have to find someone who doesn't already have huge problems of their own. Either way, give her a try.Quote:
Then I help my friend last night and agree to spend six hours in the car with her so she can try to fix things up with her stupid boyfriend that doesn't care about her, and she thanks me for being there for her. All I really want is someone there for me.
No need to stay silent.Quote:
Maybe I made the wrong decision-I don't know. I just know how miserable I was surrounded by my peers and that I felt like I couldn't fix things on my own. Being miserable fed up everything there for me.
It's so hard to just stay silent.
As for a "wrong decision," there's no way for me to know how your decision will turn out, or probably for you either. It's made and you'll probably have some opinion about it in a few years, but really there's no benefit in second guessing yourself now. My opinion is that you made a good decision and that you can always go back later. But what do I know? :)
It's up to you to make your plans and you can't really turn to your family and friends for that. (Not that I'm saying you are... just that they can't really help with this.) They will tend to see you as still a youngster, instead of the adult you are trying to become. I'm thinking you need some kind of mentor, and older person who is not emotionally involved and who knows about the things that interest you, who can listen and help you find your own path.
I cannot believe you responded after I said you couldn't really help me anymore. The truth is, talking helps me, but I can't expect this thread to go on another twenty pages.
I wanted to say I did something proactive. I almost called poison control today to ask how messed up my liver is, if it is. Then I slept till noon and my parents were in and out, and I just decided it wasn't worth it. Like I said, no insurance anyway.
I have told them they make me feel bad. I told my sister to "stop" and she yelled at me, telling me not to get in her face (this was last Friday). She thinks it is her job to make sure I am ffully informed of my decisions. She told me basically that she's not judging me but even if she was, it shouldn't matter.
My gram didn't say all that to my face. She does love me and want the best for me. They all do. She just thinks she has to strong arm me in the right direction. Everyone gave me crap, even before I started college, to "get up and go to class". They can never just trust me to be responsible and handle my own. I'm the one hurt by my decisions, but they don't seem to believe I'll do what must be done. That hurts.
It felt like they were just doing what they thought they were expected to. I didn't really feel supported. I've always tried to go above and beyond for them. I don't by any means claim perfection. I just feel like my relationships are very unbalanced.
My sister is 22 (four years my elder). We were texting as well as we could with the awful service I get here. The phone is in her name because I didn't have a job, my parents couldn't afford a plan, and she is doing pretty well financially. It was her offer. I was supposed to get a job and pay after two months. I did not come through (I tried, but there's not much opportunity here), but she kept paying. I don't remember when it happened, but we did have a fight and I told her to cancel it. She never did. The fight was more about my going to college and her not wanting to cosign because she wanted to buy a house. The phone just got thrown into the mix. I kept it from my parents best I could (they were really pushing for her to cosign), but I told them I didn't want to drag her into my finances. They knew something was up (I'd been crying), but no one ever did cosign.
I want someone that can be there physically and emotionally if I need them. Not someone in another state that I met on the internet or someone so wrapped up in their own life that they can't at least make sure I'm okay. I want someone that will come after me when I push them away (as I so often do) because they know I really need them and that I'm just trying to do them a favor. It's asking a lot, I know.
The six hour drive will happen this Saturday (if she can get the car). She's always so busy. I don't know..
I used to be able to stay silent. Now I'm (too) vocal, it seems, but I still get no response.
I took this test that I've taken many times before sometime last night/early this morning. I think this is the most accurate it has ever been, at least in the symptoms..
Disorder Rating Information
Paranoid: High more info | forum
Schizoid: Moderate more info | forum
Schizotypal: Very High more info | forum
Antisocial: Moderate more info | forum
Borderline: Very High more info | forum
Histrionic: Moderate more info | forum
Narcissistic: Low more info | forum
Avoidant: Very High more info | forum
Dependent: Very High more info | forum
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
Personality Disorder Test - Personality Test
-------
I didn't realize you had health issues. I hope you are feeling better, asking.
I will write more later. But I laughed when you said you can't expect the thread to go on for another 20 pages.Quote:
Originally Posted by give2me1lemons
Look at this one. It's 65 pages!
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-253785.html
Take care,
asking
Okay. I guess we'll see.
I just feel like such a loser right now. People's opinions of me matter way too much to me, and what I am trying to do will not be easy and is risky.
Plus it bothers me to no end that he (the 26 year old) won't talk to me. I should have known better than to trust him when he said I could get ahold of him anytime for anything. I'm so messed up for caring about and liking a guy I've never even met. I feel like I need to prove to him I'm somebody.
So much in my head right now..
Interesting YouTube video to watch:
YouTube - Dead Porn Stars Memorial www.shelleylubben.com
Not for the message that it conveys at the end, but the messgae that the video could convey in your situation. It's worth watching.
They're all so young and pretty. That's sad..
I see Anastasia Blue died of an actual tylenol overdose. I wonder how much she took.
At risk of you giving up on me completely, I took 18 yesterday, but not all at once. First eight, then I waited an hour or two (I'm really not sure) and took ten more. I felt/feel nothing. It didn't affect me at all, other than for the partial legit reason-it did relieve my cramps. That's why I took 14 that night-to feel something or nothing. The 26 year old actually questioned that-he asked why tylenol when it doesn't make you high or anything.
I go from feeling really good about my decision to feeling really lonely and hopeless (a loser). As with the benadryl, once it's gone, I have to stop. There's never any benadryl in the house now-I don't think so anyway. Maybe if tylenol made me hallucinate shadow people on my ceiling, showed me it was hurting me somehow, it would be enough to really scare me. It scares me, but I don't have any evidence my fears are valid. I can't explain without sounding like an idiot. All I can compare it to is starting/continuing to smoke in this day in age-but of course an addiction plays a part in that.
I think if I throw myself into two full time jobs and get the volunteer abroad expeditions/courses in sight.. we all need something to aspire to.
Believe it or not, I'm not trying to die. I'm not brave/cowardly enough to take that plunge.
Acetaminophen (Tylenol) Poisoning
You haven't made that appointment yet, have you.
Glad you took the video to heart.
I don't have insurance. That ended with college.
Depending on the cost, I'd still need a friend or family member to take me to a hospital for the liver test. I'm really not comfortable with therapy and could never afford it now anyhow.
My stomach is fine, and I don't appear to be yellow. Other than my ears popping and my head feeling a little off, I'm fine (I really think that's just guilt because I swear I was fine a second ago). That's not even a symptom to begin with. I'm pretty sure it's been more than twenty four hours.
Here is a liver function test for $49.
The Future of Online Medicine
Wait-if they still need the blood sample, then how can it be an online prescription? What difference does it make, I mean?
$49 sucks, because I want to save, but it is definitely doable. I should do it. I calculated, from what I remember taking in August (and now September) that I've taken the equivalent of 1 tylenol a day for two months with 13 leftover. (My math is horrible, I came out to about 6a day for 2 months by dividing by 8.. that was scary).
7 + 8 + 14 +18 (not counting the 21, they weren't there long) = 47
60 - 47 = 13
It's 2:30am, and I usually think/work the best when it's late/early like this.
I think I can explain the tylenol. Whenever I wanted something bad to happen to me, it would happen to a person or animal I cared about instead. Not necessarily the same thing. More recently my great aunt and my sister's boyfriend's dad found out they had cancer. Both will be operated on tomorrow, and if my sister's boyfriend's dad's cancer has spread then the outlook is pretty grim (I have met him, and he's the sort of nice man that doesn't say much but does for others-I wouldn't wish ill of ANYONE regardless). Then today my sister's boyfriend's daughter smashed up her bike and broke her collar bone. This happens a lot when I'm at my worst and makes me question whether I am responsible. That's not something I often share, but with the one person I shared this with, she claimed she felt exactly the same sometimes.
For me, I think it's a mix of things. I do it when I'm hating on myself, when I'm desperately lonely, when I'm feeling hopeless, and that sort of thing. But it's also kind of a challenge. This isn't an empty wish, it's an act. Either I'm untouchable or I will get burned. It can't hurt anyone but me (physically). I always say I don't believe in god but am agnostic rather than outright atheist. I kind of feel like half the time I'm challenging god to prove something to me (existence). If that's the case, then I must believe?
I just wish I could pick the one (right) decision and stick with it. In this case it would be to get help, regardless of the cost, or to make myself ask my friend to take me for a liver test Saturday.
Last night I dreamt that the 26 year old was holding me. This was the dream definition..
"Cuddle
To dream that you are cuddling with someone, indicates your need for physical and/or emotional contact. Do not overlook the obvious meaning of this dream which suggests your heart's desire for that particular person. Also consider the symbolism of that person you are cuddling with and determine how you need to acknowledge, accept, and unify those qualities in yourself." - Dream Moods A-Z Dream Dictionary
Hi I have been reading some of your posts and am concerned for you. I have been living with bipolar disorder since 1992. I am stable on my meds now and have'nt had an episode in two years. But anyway I am in college now studying to be an art therapist. I am hardly an expert in mental health but from my own personal experience I would have to say that therapy and medications can help.In the state I live in we have community mental health which is where I go for help. They have a sliding scale fee if you do not have health insurance. I can kind of relate to your situation because in 2000 I had a serious suicide attempt I od'ed on one of my mood stabilizers and had to go to the hospital. They pumped my stomach and stuck a tube down my throat- I was in the ICU for four days. After that I vowed to never try to hurt myself again. I was lucky you may not be if you keep taking too much tyelnol.Please see if there is a community mental health organization in your area. There are also crisis hotlines you can call if you feel like hurting yourself. I do not think you have bipolar like me or anything but you may suffer from depression. It would be a good idea to at least make some phone calls. Also NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy is a helpful site. Good luck.
I live in a small city in New York with a population of around 8,000. I don't think there's going to be something like that here. There's a NAMI place 45 minutes away, but I don't really see a way they can help me, just by skimming the site (which is useful, I just mean they don't provide free therapy or anything).
I asked my friend if she'd drive me for a liver function test, and she said she would. Except she won't be home again until the 25th. Even if I can get a blood liver function test for $49, I doubt it would cover the lab work and the visit itself. I don't know if I can just get it or if I need a consult first. I almost emailed my local hospital, but I didn't want to give them my name/address/phone number and wasn't even sure if I was contacting the right place or if they could answer my questions. Everyone knows everyone here as it is, so..
Then the 26 year old told me last night he got back with his fiancé. He said he should've told me that and not to take offense that he doesn't fill me on his personal life because that's just how he is. Then he apologised for ignoring me last week, saying it was his defense mechanism. He said I was free to vent to him anytime, but last week was just too much. I told him that it was great about his fiancé and was happy for him, but I said it was fine and that I shouldn't have told him anything last week anyway. Then today I got on and didn't talk to him. I got on later and saw he didn't have me as a friend anymore (on the game). Then he signed off. So either I say too much or not enough. I can't win, I give up. On him, on people, I don't even care. I'm just tired of it all.
There's no help for me without the money and courage to better my situation. Thanks for trying.
Calling some sort of 1-800- 24hr crisis hotline on the phone would be free. There are a lot of those out there you could probably find a hotline in your area if you look on the internet under suicide prevention or something. I think you need more of a trained professional to talk too. Without asking you directly where you are from let me just do a quick internet search and see if I can find you any crisis hotlines in New York.
Here are two websites I found :
The Samaritans of New York - Homepage
And this one too New York Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression. maybe if you tried calling one of these hotlines before taking any tyelonol or pills or cutting or anything to hurt yourself maybe then you could feel better. I really think you need someone to listen to you and if it were someone in your area they could better advise and assist you. Please do not feel as though there is no help for you there are places willing to help but first you must reach out.
Turns out the game glitched today, and he was drunk last night when he said all that. He doesn't even remember it. Things still suck between us though because I'm always upset now and always get upset with him or make him upset with me. It hurt that he can apologise and be so nice drunk, but in the end it means nothing because he wasn't in the right frame of mind when he said it.
I had a persistent headache and felt tired and tipsy even though I slept from 2-noon (saw no point in getting up at ten when there's nothing for me to do here). I have to make myself take care of myself (ie. Get up and brush my teeth and get ready for bed). I took 8 tylenol, and my head still hurt (but has stopped now). I felt so close to just asking my mom if she could take me to a therapist earlier and not tell my dad, but I'm far from that now. Besides, she would tell him, and he would not leave me alone if I admitted it.
But I feel like it's probably something real because I can't seem to shake it. And I'm not sure I can do anything productive until I fix it. The most proactive I get is looking at options on the internet (jobs, colleges, volunteer abroad qualifications, therapists, and my local hospital), but even the idea of talking to an actual person and hearing a voice is scary.
Is it wrong that I kind of just want to be committed? Because then I wouldn't have to tell them how I get so much as have them witness it. And I'd be safe from myself and away from reality for a while. Maybe I could just link them this site and let them see for themselves rather than try to explain. It would give them something to go on.
I don't know if you can say I'm suicidal. A danger, maybe, but not outright suicidal. I don't want to tie up there lines.
Thank you for the links.
Liver Disease: Frequently Asked Questions: Health Topics: University of Iowa Health CareQuote:
Can liver damage be reversed?
The liver is a unique organ. It is the only organ in the body that is able to regenerate... that is completely repair the damage. With most organs, such as the heart, the damaged tissue is replaced with scar, like on the skin. The liver, however, is able to replace damaged tissue with new cells. An extreme example is a patient who suffers an overdose from Tylenol. In this example up to 50 - 60 percent of the liver cells may be killed within 3 - 4 days. However, if no other complications arise, the patient's liver will repair completely, and a liver biopsy after 30 days will appear completely normal with no signs of damage and no scar.
Reviving this with new ideas..
To be honest, I did take eight tylenol yesterday kind of spitefully as I was upset by my mother. Other than that, I haven't since whenever I last said I did on here (it feels like forever ago, but it hasn't been a month yet since I dropped out).
I remembered something.. my mom works with two autistic men now. One is around thirty and the other is twenty. I've met and kind of "helped" her with both, I guess you could say (setting up an online game for the thirty year old and just talking to, and when I was younger, hanging out with the twenty year old). I've known the twenty year old since he was in the seventh grade (I was nine). My mom started working with him then, and she was in school with him all day. Then she often did activities with him outside of school to help him socialize and kind of branch out. I remember swimming with him and my friend a couple times, and he still does card club. Anyhow, I was jealous. That's what I figured out. I don't know if that's what KISS meant when he suspected abuse/neglect or if that makes any sense out of me, but her time with him started in the midst of when things started getting really sucky. I felt like she didn't have enough time for me, and I resented him. It was a long time before I saw him as the sweet guy he really is (though sometimes he does still irk me-like when I'd need a ride somewhere and want my music or to talk to my mom but he's there and I have to censor myself-especially when I've had a bad day). I think that's when I really started to withdraw because I guess I felt a little abandoned. Then I remember being mad at her-both of my parents, but it was her new schedule that messed things up-because I couldn't hang out with friends or do what I wanted really so much anymore because I had to work around her schedule.
(It still bothers me when she is home and she wants to sleep or she "watches" movies with my dad and I the few times I do come out by playing freecell in the other room and listening. Or today when I wanted to talk to her about politics and curent issues because I've always been a nerd that way, and she isn't in the mood for it. Or how I need both my parents right now to help me get my license and, as I have no license, go apply for jobs and get things in motion. I feel stuck again, and they never are up for anything. Either they are busy or they are tired or they become busy and I am interrupted, most days.)
Then I don't know if this anything other than boredom, but my sleep habits have been so messed up. It's about 4am now. Two nights ago I was up until 5am, then slept until 12pm. Last night I was up until midnight, then slept until 11am. Since dropping out, it's basically consisted of me sleeping noon then saying up until 2am at the latest. Then I don't even want to wake up at noon, but I do and eat. Then I just wan to go back to sleep, but I make myself stay up and wake up. Then, when I should be exhausted and ready for bed, I get involved in life altering decisions and just can't seem to make myself go to bed. When I stayed with my friend at her college last weekend and was forced to go to bed at 1 or 2am, I tossed and turned half the night.
Penultimately, I don't trust myself. I think I am a perpetual dreamer. I was sooo excited for that college as I saw it as a way out of my hometown that I loathe so much. In a big city far away with no one I knew, I saw it as a chance to start over and be who I wanted to be. Now that I've dropped out, I've chalked it up to lack of direction and trying to be soemthing I'm not. Now I have found a new school I am in love with-and I don't trust myself. I'm too intense, and it worries me. I haven't even applied yet, and I'm looking at all these courses and imagining having my own cheap car so I can drive off campus to the woods or the beach and escape people. Or how I could just drive around the new state and explore-maybe go to the city once in a while. I have the next several months suddenly mapped out-how I'll work and save, buy a cheap car, then do at least one short volunteer abroad trip before school in the summer... but I haven't applied to college, don't have a license, and don't have a job. I have plans to solve those setbacks, but is it bad that I'm getting so far ahead of myself? I saw a future at the other school too, though very different.
Lastly, I'm torn between three majors: marine biology, environmental studies, and adventure recreation. I love animals and want a job that will allow me to work around the world (I'm prepared to spend six years on a masters) in exciting locations. The volunteer abroad trips have gotten me interested in the conservation aspect of this (though I always sort of was anyway). Then I love things that involve risk and adventure. A lot of the courses for adventure recreation sound right up my alley-they are amazing! However, I was thinking marine biology would be best, and then I could take the courses for adventure recreation that interest me (there's a lot!) if I am allowed as they would probably be useful they way I want to work anyway. However, I know biology was not my favorite class in high school (though I enjoy science) as my teacher was really not all that great at teaching in a way that worked for me (endless tangents and marking up pre-printed notes with illustrations and things that bothered me to add, though necessary, because they seemed like graffiti to me). Then I'm horrible at math. I guess I could always change my major if I can't cut it as a marine biologist, but then I don't really want to be a tour guide either. Ahh, I don't know what to do.
It feels better to have my thoughts written out like that. Any feedback is welcome.
You hit the nail on the head (neglect) and this, I think, confirms it: http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/fac...nsequences.pdf
Agree/disagree?
I think you identified the problem, so you have something to work with. Good job.
To give you something's to look at: Amazon.com:
I looked up the definition of neglect..
Child neglect: Child neglect is the most frequently reported form of child abuse (60% of all cases) and the most lethal.
Child neglect is the failure to provide for the shelter, safety, supervision and nutritional needs of the child. Child neglect may be physical, educational, or emotional neglect:
Physical neglect includes refusal of or delay in seeking health care, abandonment, expulsion from the home or refusal to allow a runaway to return home, and inadequate supervision.
Educational neglect includes the allowance of chronic truancy, failure to enroll a child of mandatory school age in school, and failure to attend to a special educational need.
Emotional neglect includes such actions as marked inattention to the child's needs for affection, refusal of or failure to provide needed psychological care, spouse abuse in the child's presence, and permission of drug or alcohol use by the child.
Child neglect definition - Medical Dictionary definitions of popular medical terms easily defined on MedTerms
The bolds are possible truths. Going backwards, my mom let me take pills to sleep sometimes (I think sometimes they were hers, but I didn't care). This happened a lot when my dog first died and I just wanted to sleep and not think. Then she let me have wine since she found out about my sister and her boyfriend letting me get drunk. Except I'm an 18, so I wouldn't really count that. Though she let me have it when I got back from college that night to keep me calm. She has given me small overdoses before, like 3 or 4 tylenol, when I was especially in pain. (permission of drug or alcohol abuse by the child)
I'm not sure about "failure to provide needed psychological care". I'm not sure if I needed it then or necessarily need it now. My mom brought it up a lot, but she never followed through with anything because I freaked out so bad. I think that ones on me. I never let people help me.
I told you how I felt she wasn't there for me when I needed her. (marked inattention to the child's needs for affection)
I missed a lot of school. I think it started in seventh grade, but maybe it was sixth. My parents weren't always happy about it-especially my dad-but they let me. I stayed home because I felt ugly or because I was exhausted or because I hated people or because I was behind in homework because I was tired.. sometimes my mom let me stya home without my dad's permission. I'd have to stay quiet when he came home from lunch because neither of us wanted to make him angry. It worked until senior year when the nurse, out to get me because I always had excuses, would call my dad at work to ask where I was rather than my mom. (the allowance of chronic truancy)
I'd say "failure to attend to a special educational need", but I never let anyone help me with math. That's how I fell behind and developed problems with it.
It wasn't physical, other than that one fight we had. I felt abandoned sometimes, bit it wasn't abandonment. I was never really home alone, that I remember, until I was sixteen. By then, I loved it. Before that I had my sister with me in the house (she is four years older). They never noticed the cutting or the pills or the burning or when I occasionally drank at my friend's house (never drunk), but then most parents wouldn't.
(That's another thing.. I've wondered before if my mom burns. She has a lot of burn scars on her arms, but they are on the tops, not the inside like mine. She used to be a waitress/bartender and lived in a very traditional home (she's 55 and was raised on a farm), so maybe it's from that. Except sometimes she still gets them, and her answers are very vague when I ask where she got them. She never really tells me, just says it's a burn. Either I'm reading too much into it because I do it, or there's something (new) she's not telling me.)
Then my sister has always said she raised herself, and that our parents did the best they could so to forgive and move on. She's had issues with crappy boyfriends (lost her virginity at 13/14 to a guy two years older, had a live in boyfriend her freshmen year at college who she became engaged to and ended up hitting her once, then some stoners and whatever she never told me), but other than that she has always been hugely successful and has a great boyfriend now.
Except I know my parents love and care about me. I think I remember telling her how I felt wayyy back when I was a kid and her job first started, but then I decided the job was important. I brought it up kind of recently, and she said she will try harder and did watch one movie with us to completion and then House last night (which happened to be about him finally getting help for his depression problems).
With neglect, I always pictured the unwashed, smelly kids at school who wore the same thing every day because their parents didn't care. I don't know, but then my sister always felt like I stole their attention growing up and I always blamed her. I'm still super sensitive to being talked over or ignored (I used to flat out refuse to continue what I'd been saying if I was cut off). So confusing.
As for your site, I have often considered I might be borderline since learning the term. Then how I spontaneously developed allergies when I was 14, but they don't bother me except in New York and aren't as bad as they used to be (the first couple summers I was miserable, and I always just thought it was a plant newly introduced to the area that only grows in New York-regular pollen doesn't bother me, and you can see it covering the windshields sometimes when I'm in Pennsylvania). I just don't know. I think it's common for parents to get involved in work and not always support their kids the way their kids would like. I just happen to be very sensitive. Have you read the book? Thank you.
Only 13 tylenol left by the way.
I'll read your response when my head feels better. It's trying to rain.
Meanwhile, plant the Tylenols in some soil and see what kind of plant grows.
I have that effect on people.;)
It rained here earlier. I love the rain.
I actually laughed when you said to plant the tylenol. However, I'm going to finish them tonight and be done with it. I'm frustrated and don't really care about my liver at the moment. At least after tonight I'll be done.
I think if it was neglect, it's more than that now.
I get headaches when it rains. You were supposed to laugh when I said to "plant the Tylenol
That's the point. You are what you eat. Or, your upbringing molds the way you think, act and respond. You were not conditioned the right way.Quote:
I think if it was neglect, it's more than that now.
And now I'm sad the tylenol is gone because it was a really satisfying way to hurt myself.
Why is it so hard to listen to me? No one listens.
It's always the same friggin fight with my dad. He wants to do something to my computer that I couldn't care less about. He somehow forgets or disregards the fact that I have germ issues and don't want him touching things or me or going in my room. He comes in my room (this time struggling to install wireless that we don't need because I am the only one with a laptop, I only feel safe in my room, and the cable is 6ft long). He touches my laptop to get it where he can see, touching my bed in the process because he is clumsy. He then knocks my wireless mouse off the bed in the same stroke. I tell him to leave it please, I beg him not to touch anything. He picks up the mouse and sets it on my bed. He wants me to bring the laptop out in the living room. I tell him I don't want to do this and I don't need it. He flips out on me, saying I always ask him to help me (I asked him for some password it said I needed but definitely didn't make-he didn't listen to me about that either, even though I told him repeatedly), but then I never let him help. He gets all hurt and angry and storms off. I have just spent an hour and a half setting up something I never wanted, letting my food go cold (and now I'm worried, as I tend to make less sense the more upset I get, that because there was a fly in my room it may have landed on my food and laid eggs and if I eat it... all I've had today anyway is cereal, so I'm really hungry, but I can't eat it.. ). It's just not fair or right. Why can't people listen to me??
I just hate my life and me and this whole thing. My life isn't horrible, but it's miserable. I just wish I could break from everything and run off and disappear. The only thing I'm afraid of is hurting my family. I just know I don't want to be here.
I say this as gently as I can - tylenol causes liver damage and that's a terrible, terrible, painful death.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day you will have some very serious liver problems.
Please - rethink what you are doing.
Why is Tylenol "satisfying" to you.
And if you think running away is hurting your family - do you have any idea what suicide will do to them? One of my very best friends killed herself. Left a family, a husband, two children - and they all suffer to this day.
Please - get help.
Do not think me rude but I think you are going the opposite way to get away from it all.Quote:
Originally Posted by give2me1lemons
By hurting your body and making life miserable, you are going to be stuck where you are, say years from now,or maybe even in a worse place,like the hospital because your body cannot function on its own after all the damage.
Plus you will be stuck with the people who you feel do not understand you because you have chosen to make yourself miserable by being where you are and not moving on.
I am sure a lot of people here have given great advice already, and you have been thankful for it, but you are not ready for change.
Maybe you need to find something you might like to do, if you would like to start a list of things you like as hobbies, as a job, or even to learn about, maybe we can find a constructive way to go about finding a solution.
I haven't had any tylenol since September 23rd, according to my post. I finished 98 pills in, I think, a little over a month. I'm not too sure when I started; it might be on here. I can't take anymore because 2 of the pills I gave to my mom when she was sick, so she knows I know where mine are. This means that if I were to get tylenol from the medicine cabinet for any reason, it would be suspicious. She bought me the bottle, and the pills should have lasted a lot longer if I was using them correctly.
Despite the fact that I still have a knife in my room since before I left for college, and a candle because we lost power in a storm a week or so ago, I haven't cut or burned in a while. Again, I'm not sure when the last time was, but I think it has been since before I dropped out.
I only think of suicide as an option when I get into this weird mood very late at night where I am tired but don't feel so. I feel almost like it doesn't matter what I do and tomorrow may never come, though I know it will, and I get really bold and impulsive-and sometimes pessimistic. It does not help when I read how unemployment is up to, on average, 9.8% and how employers can take their time hiring people until they find the perfect applicant because there are so many compettitors. It makes me feel like I am never going to get a job in my small hometown and get out of here, because above all else I will need money. I don't think I'd ever actually resort to that, just like I'd never run away. I'm not brave enough for either. I even told my mom when I considered moving out a day after I thought of it.
I know what you are saying firmbeliever, and I think you are correct. If I wanted to change bad enough, I would, wouldn't I? I wouldn't just sleep and wallow in my despair. Late at night when I can't sleep, I'll write things on my hand that I should do. Last night it was "walk" because I watched half ton mom, half ton dad, and half ton teen, and while I am still around 120lbs, I'm deeply concerned that with my current lifestyle I am either going to become obese, waste away my muscles, or develop a blood clot from inactivity. Did I walk, though? No, I slept until 1pm. Half the time I don't remember what I wrote until I finally wake up.
I've applied for work at a local hotel and Walmart. I had an interview (ambush) at a local restaurant that I went to for an application-they weren't hiring anymore, but he gave me an interview anyway because he knew me and wanted to hear the juicy gossip about why I wasn't in college.
Hobbies.. I started cooking when I am really bored. I made chocolate chip muffins yesterday and muddy buddys last night for the first time. A week or two ago I made brownies. I can only cook if the ingredients are here, which they usually aren't, and like I said, I am concerned about eating too much and cooking can become an expensive hobby. I even eat lean cuisine to try to even things out.
Then I would like to volunteer at a therapeutic riding center I volunteered at when I was 13, but that would require me sleeping at a reasonable time and waking up early enough to go with my mom to see about it. I may take something to sleep tonight just so I can go have lunch with her and her people tomorrow and get out of the house.
I'm applying at at least three different universities in three different states. I've started the applications on two, sent out my application to the third, and sent out my SAT scores to two.
I know tylenol can cause liver damage, and yet I also know the liver has an uncanny abailty to regenerate if you let it. Then I see people like I did on Oprah last week who pop 20 vicodin a day (granted, not all at once like I did), and they are "ok" despite having done this for years. Sometimes I don't understand how the tylenol can be considered so lethal while the other is a potentially lethal addiction. I don't get how an OTC drug can put me in more immediate danger, I guess. I have stopped it though, presently.
Dying would hurt my family, but in the past I made it okay by thinking of the $10,000 they'd get if I did die and my successful older sister. I still maintain I am not likely to ever have the nerve though, and I do love my parents. You'd be surprised at the efforts I make not to hurt them. I almost feel responsible for their dreams and retirement and wish I could be rich so I could give them everything, but I can't..
I have received a lot of support and good advice. I wish I could update one day and say I moved out and went back to college and got a great job and I'm happy and everything is wonderful and thank you. Maybe someday.
Someday is good enough, at least that means hope.
EDIT:
I know this lady who helps people with their problems and she always tells me that no matter what situation a person chooses to be in and not move on; she always asks the person ;
"what are you getting out of being in this situation?"
And the answer maybe " I like feeling this way". Or "I like making others feel this way".
Or it could be any number of answers,but she says there is always something that makes the person feel a certain way to hold onto a situation and not let go, to move forward.
There isn't much positive in living the way I am right now. My one friend is at Penn State, and I can't help but get somewhat jealous when I hear how well she is doing, all the friends she has, and all the parties she attends. I'm the one who has been saying for years how much they hate this town and can't wait to leave. Everyone who knows me knows that and how I long to travel. This isn't what I want. I am restless and bored and feel like I am losing precious time and wasting my life even more than I already have. My mom thinks it's silly to write myself off at 18 the way I do, but I know there is so much I've missed out on already and can never get back. I try not to blame them for not pushing me, but sometimes I really, really wish that they had been stricter and more involved. I think I'd be a very different person if they had pushed me to join clubs and sports and go to school.
I tried to think of a reason I'd want this-a reason why I can't seem to bring myself to take some serious action-and I didn't come up with much. However, living here I don't have to worry about rent or groceries or bills or taxes. I'm taken care of, and it's "safe".
I want to change, really, but maybe I don't want it bad enough yet?
I think things will be better if I can get a job and get out of the house and make some progress toward moving out. It would be amazing if I could get accepted to college where I want to go most.
Before you give your thoughts on organ failure and whether the liver regenerates - my husband died of massive organ failure, liver included.
It's not pretty and it's not nice.
As far as your mother counting your Tylenol - you're an adult in college. If you want Tylenol, you can buy it.
You need to address your problems instead of finding excuses.
Sorry to be harsh but if you have this much time to be on line you have time to join clubs, participate in sports, get a job.
Your casual "the liver regenerates" statement offends me.
I'm sorry, Judy. I don't mean it casually when I say the liver regenerates. I mean it as hope that if I stop taking tylenol, which I haven't in thirteen days, then maybe my liver will be okay and I won't have messed myself up too much. It's hard to imagine that I have really done something to myself when I can't feel it and don't have definitive proof (other than headaches, which could be unrelated, or could be "analgesic rebound effect", but I doubt it). It's also a great excuse not to spend my money on a liver function test as I don't have insurance right now.
I'm not sure how much you read, but I'm not in college anymore. My mom isn't counting my tylenol. I just meant that she bought it for me for college, so wouldn't it be a little odd if I used their tylenol when I have a new bottle with 100 pills in it in my room? Then she knows I didn't lose it because I gave her some when she was sick. I'm not going to risk her knowing I took that much. Stupid maybe, but I do what I can to hide my issues from them and may be a little paranoid and overcautious at this point.
I do have more than enough free time, and it's driving me nuts. That's why my schedule is so messed up. I applied for jobs, and I know one volunteer activity I can do. I can't very well walk to town 6miles though, and I don't have a license (I take the 5hr course this Wednesday), so I have to rely on my parents to get anywhere. They have busy and conflicting schedules, so until I can make myself sleep more regularly and get up when they leave, I'm stuck.
Okay, 197 posts and it's time to get serious.
The liver does NOT regenerate itself. PERiOD!! You will die a very long, tortuous, and painful death.
You need more help than anyone at AMHD can give you. We are not professionals in the mental health field and you need a professional.
Liver Disease: Frequently Asked Questions: Health Topics: University of Iowa Health Care
Doctors Try to Capitalize On the Liver's Ability To Regenerate Itself - The New York Times
J_9, I'm not trying to be smart. I'm just confused. Those articles say that basically if you aren't attacking your liver, it can regenerate cells and repair itself. It's ability to repair itself is damaged by scarring. I don't know if it can after what I have done to it, but it really can't repair itself?
But you ARE attacking your liver. End of story.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:41 AM. |