In sixth we were tested to see how we learned best. I scored highest for logic. Second highest was creative.

I cannot memorize math problems and have developed a mental block for the subject over the years. It's like tuning out a foreign language.

I can learn through rhythm and repittion. I can somewhat remember things photographically. I'd do better if the directions were written down just because I second guess and thus confuse myself so much.

A lot of things happened when I was younger, but a lot of people have problems crop up in life. My dad was/is depressed because he has regrets. He didn't travle as much as he wanted to in life. He can't always provide as much as he'd like to. He feels like he lets us down a lot because he quit his one job (his boss was a jerk and he couldn't take it finally after 15 years). He also found out he had hepatitus b when I was probably 10-12. That meant going on medications that made him "not dad" and, while I don't remember too much from then, my sister said he thinks I hated him because of it. He was just not a fun guy to be around, and he feels bad about that and because of all the money it sapped from us.

I don't have a doctor. I go to shot clinics, or very seldom (once in the last three years?) go to my mom's doctor, who I do not like. No luck there..

I don't like promises, and I won't make them. I think there's a reason, but I've lost it. I just don't feel like they are reliable. I think it has a little to do with vacations that never happened. I'm kind of strong willed that way.

I did feel ignored a lot. I still do. I'm soft spoken and often described as "sweet" sounding and "cute". I have recollections of standing up on a couch and demanding to be heard, then "runnning away" to the playhouse out back when my parents failed to listen or talked over me. I ran away a lot actually, but I never got far. My sister said I screamed a lot when I was a toddler, but I don't remember that at all.

Cutting does release endorphins, but it doesn't help me anymore. It doesn't hurt enough. Burning was better, but I can't do that here. I don't always understand what's so bad about it, but I'm trying to quit anyway.

Lastly, I do stick to the safe and familiar too much. I know this. That's why I put myself in such a scary situation with no outs. I'm trying to change, but I'm not feeling strong enough alone.

I can handle the courses. In fact, I don't feel busy enough. It's the people..


Oh, and I won't let myself have a relationship with a guy right now. I've heard too many times you can't have a healthy relationship until you love yourself. I do have a guy that is obsessed with me (he's 21), despite knowing many of my issues.. I can't seem to scare him off. He won't take no for an answer.

This all makes a lot of sense to me. It sounds like your father's problems have dominated your family life. That and probably other stuff made it hard for you to be heard. It's really important for adults to listen to children, to take in what they are saying and acknowledge it--even if they don't necessarily give them everything they want. But when adults are overwhelmed, it's easy to forget to do this. That might have left you feeling like you had to handle all your problems yourself.

Now I can see why you reacted so strongly to your inconsiderate room mate.

KISS has mentioned abuse several times. Was there any kind of abuse and I missed that? Or just modest emotional neglect (which is still important).

Promises are damaging if people aren't committed to keeping them. So if you have been disappointed a lot, you just don't believe them after a while. You might not even want to hear another promise. But commitments make life stabler. So if you can keep promises and be with people who keep theirs, you'll have a happier life. It almost doesn't matter what the promises are.

I don't think my parents have ever abused me, though I've often wondered if ever I was since a very young age. Again, I don't remember why. The closest incidents are..

The one time I remember being spanked by my mom. I don't remember what I did. I just remember it was before school and I cried and felt degraded.

When I was 12 or 13 and my mom suggested I talk to someone. I freaked out and went outside for space. However, I did this barefoot in early winter or spring so it was cold and there was snow. My mom thought I was running away and yelled at me to come in; I refused. It went on like this, voices and profanity escalating until she tried to drag me inside. There was a scuffle-just pushing and pulling-and I hit my nail on the door. It bled. I won. She got tired and went inside, threatening to call someone to come get me. I came in after a couple minutes, exclaiming "she's going to kill us all". That was the first time I cut. I don't know why I was like that.

I've clashed with my dad a lot. He says it's because we are too alike. I've had issues with him because of drinking and lies. Both my parents tend to shelter me and lie to preserve my feelings-it doesn't work. The truth comes out eventually. My dad failed to mention he was married before until it slipped one day. This upset me (I was 13 or 14) because it meant nothing, including his marriage to my mom, is permanent (I used to worry about them divorcing a lot because they fought and many of my friend's parents divorced-I still think it's the end when couple's argue). Then I made him swear he'd only been married once, which he did, only for me to discover he'd actually been married twice before my mother. That hurt our relationship. Then when I was 15, he, according to my dad's family (my gram included), got drunk at a family reunion and wanted to set off fireworks. They wouldn't let him, and he got mad and eventually drove off. So the story goes, I never really heard his side. I got to spend the night worrying if he killed anyone or himself until we finally received word he was all right and headed home in the early am (my mom relayed the information to my gram-I was staying with my gram with a friend about three and a half hours from home). I also gave the police his license number and discovred he left without his wallet, license, money, and glasses while rifling through his suitcase (I no longer respected him). My parents maintain he was not drunk. It hardly matters anymore.


More often I have felt overshadowed by my sister. She's louder, prettier, and more successful.

I think I see incidence of emotional abuse here. It's a tough cookie to crack and a tough one to identify. Separation and living one your own will eventually crack it. That's why you have to stick it out.

You have to quit running back home and mom has to "let you grow up".

What that means for you is that you have to fall on your face a little, get up look around and say so what and start over.

Mom has to quit doing the "I want you to come for dinner". Bet she won't ask if you WANT to come for dinner. AW, I bet your having a rough time, rubbing your back etc the out pops, "ARE YOU SURE YOU WHAT TO GO TO SCHOOL"

Bet there's an indian giver there. Someone, say mom, knew you would fail. She lets you go. Mom knows that you'll come crawling home. You go crawling home and mom has control over her baby as she always had.

No No No No No! You can't let that happen.

It should be, mom, that's for the ride to colledge. Giver her a hug and don't allow her to unpack you. Mom I'll be fine. Next week or so I'll let you now if I forgot anything. It's your place, not hers now.

When she comes to visit and tries to re-arrange. We like it like this.

IT'S TIME FOR MOM TO STOP BEING YOUR MOTHER AND YOU HER CHILD. IT'S TIME FOR HER TO LOOSE A CHILD AND GAIN A DAUGHTER.

THE CHILD BECOMES THE ADULT DAUGHTER. THE MOTHER ACCEPTS THAT HER DAUGHTER HAS GROWN UP. ITS TRAUMATIC. IT WILL HAPPEN WITH SEPARATION. It won't otherwise.

Do IT!

Wait, I don't see the emotional abuse? Where did that come from?

My mom did say she doesn't want me so far. So did my grandpa. My dad sai college isn't for everyone and supported me outright. I'm not sure I'd call that abuse though or say they wanted me to fail and come home if they are coming down here to try and figure out how I can stay.


Right now, I don't care if I ever go to college. I'm just tired and it's bothering me that he won't talk to me. I hate letting people down. I feel so annoying and crazy. It's not fair.

Your not suppposed to see the abuse clearly, not until you have been made aware.

I'll have to dig out my other books. I never liked hat I found on the web. This is a start:

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/emoti...-symptoms.html

From the above link:

* Feeling of depression
* Withdrawal from social interaction
* Isolation from friends and family
* Low self-esteem
* Fearfulness
* Increased anxiety
* Guilty feeling
* Feeling of shame
* Mood changes
* Nervous feeling
* Not trusting others
* Frequent blaming on others
* Self-blaming
* Pessimistic behavior
* Substance or drug abuse
* Extreme dependence on others
* Avoiding eye-contact
* Telling lies
* Aggressive behavior
* Emotional instability
* Suicidal attempts


ANything familiar? I think so. See how many you can check off.

Okay, so I can check almost if not all off. There could be no other reason than abuse? I can't see when I was ever abused...


And I'm not returning to my parents or my sister, even if I think they are the only ones who legitimately care about me. I think they are the only one's who care about me because no one else has really stepped up and been there for me. Everyone else just leaves.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by giveme1lemons

Okay, so I can check almost if not all off. There could be no other reason than abuse? I can't see when I was ever abused...

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OK, we have the symptoms. Good. Now, you need to fib when someone asks if you are at risk to harm yourself and/others". You just got thrown a life jacket. Don't give it up. "THEY", can make you drown, so you'll never see normal life again.

Working on how and and what, is going to take some effort on may part too.

Being emotionally abused in not a diagnosis. The diagnosis is what you became after repeated abuses.

I probably won't have much time during the day, but I'll see what I can do.

Is there an inordinate "desire to please"? If so, try to figure out how that occurred.

I actually don't see the abuse either. Your father seems rather poor at governing his impulses and both your parents sound like they have pretty serious problems with communication. This is a recipe for tumult.

Trying to physically drag a 13 year old inside the house is an exercise in futility. And I'm surprised your mother didn't know better. I think I would have just waited for you to come back in--because you are obviously sensible enough not to stand around in the snow barefoot until your toes freeze. But it's easy for me to say. I've done stupid parenting things myself. Every parent eventually does things that in retrospective are totally idiotic.

I think people telling you you are like your father was not a favor, either, since you now identify with him and yet do not seem to respect him. It sounds like you feel at some level like your life is bound to be like his. That isn't true, of course, but you have to find that out for yourself and understand it at a deep level. You are not him, and you are not even bound to be just like him, and you get to make your own life. The trick is to find the strength to do that when you are feeling not strong.

The dominating sister. I had one of those! She was older, taller, more beautiful (blond with green eyes), a ballet dancer, the apple of my father's eye. I was short, with brown hair, and too shy to speak in company. Nobody could ever think of anything to ask me or say to me and I grew up thinking I was boring. That turns out not to be true! I have always been competitive with her. But I got more education and have a career and job skills, where she has none.

I could go on, but her advantages as a child have all vanished. In the end, I even ended up being closer to our father than she was. I am not saying that's exactly what will happen with you, just that your upbringing has shaped you to be competitive and a struggler and a rebel, and those are ADVANTAGES out in the world. You just have to learn to channel that into things that are good for you. You already know you have to learn to love yourself. I think you will get there sooner than you think and your life can turn around.

People take one look at me and think I'm cute and nice and they don't expect a sharp intellect. My own family weren't much different. (I wrote an article for a magazine a few years ago and a friend of my father's basically said, "I didn't know you were smart enough to write anything like this!" He didn't use those words but that's what he meant. He'd never really talked to me, even though he'd known me for 20 years. So I'm not one to give advice... ) But anyway, this inability to project one's true competence leads to lots of misunderstandings, although it's not as bad now that I am older and don't look quite so cute and harmless.

I think you might enjoy Frank Sulloway's book on birth order. I'm assuming you are the youngest? It's about how a lot of the best scientists and other great thinkers have been younger siblings. It's called "Born to Rebel" Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives. If you decide to drop out and you have time to read, get it from the library and see if it says anything to you. It's not a pop psych book; it's an academic and historical discussion, but if it interests you, you'll be able to follow it fine.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KeepItSimpleStupid

Someone, say mom, knew you would fail. She lets you go. Mom knows that you'll come crawling home. You go crawling home and mom has control over her baby as she always had.

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KISS, I really don't see this in what Lemons has written. At the risk of offending, I think you should start a thread on mothers. I'm guessing you'll get a lot of posts. :) It feels like you really need to talk this out. I am inferring that you are in some way talking about your own mother here and I don't doubt that all this is true in your case.

Your correct. Emotional abuse is hard to sift through, if there. She has too many of the symptoms.

It is not something that stares you in the face. I only got it when I read multiple books on toxic parents, verbal abuse and emotional abuse.

Let's suffice to say, that there is upbringing issues and what almost appears to be some sort of mental instabilities in the parenting. This will mess up someone's head for a long time.

Not sure what we can agree on:
1. Trial of Welbutrin?
2. Therapy?
3. See psychologist?

I can't make a dx. There are not enough pieces.

There are symptoms that, I think, require medication and therapy where medication takes the higher weight.

Even, I'll have to go re-read everything. Brain has been foggy because of my rain induced migraines. Even I can't think clearly under these conditions.

You can treat sympomatically and there is no reason not too.

However, some may want to know why am I like this Psychotherapy will help find that answer.

I'm staying, but I wish I wasn't

I'm going to a "movie night" on my new floor. How can I be social when I'm tired and kind of just not happy. I did have a couple glasses of wine though, so that probably isn't helping.

I may answer more later. I can't believe I am stuck here until December..

Yes! PS: Had a rough day

Why is it so great I'm staying? And why did you have a rough day?


I don't feel any better about my situation. I have so much to do tomorrow. I just want to sleep a lot.


I am the youngest, but I only have one older sister. She's not compettive with me. She's just amazing and successful. It's a lot to live up to.

I do have a desire to please. Why else would I still be here? I really just want to say f everything and run away. Hitch hike. Hop a plane or a boat. Disappear..

Quote:

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Why is it so great I'm staying? <snip>

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We care about you.

Quote:

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I don't feel any better about my situation. I have so much to do tomorrow. I just want to sleep a lot.

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You can't. Not until you get meds.

Quote:

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I am the youngest, but I only have one older sister. She's not compettive with me. She's just amazing and successful. It's a lot to live up to.

---

Starting to make a tiny bit more sense. Tell us a little about parents' perception of kids. Their expectations of you vs your sister.

Quote:

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I do have a desire to please. Why else would I still be here? I really just want to say f everything and run away. Hitch hike. Hop a plane or a boat. Disappear..

---

Yea, we know that, the run away part. The desire to please, I think is a new one.

Try to figure out where that "desire to please" came from.
Grades? Being like your sister? Parent's pushing you to be like your sister? It won't be one thing, it will be a series of incidents over a long time.

Monday, call the health service and ask for a referral to a psychiarist or other doc that is comfortable to prescribe anti-depresents who is student friendly.

Why does it take two days to get a tire leak fixed at a national US auto store?

Mom decides to be pro-active, notices that car tire is low so she takes it to Pep Boys. They tell her there is no leak and send her home with 42 PSI in the tire. 28 is standard pressure and they said the dealer has to turn off the tire pressure monitor. Yeh, right!

The next day,my turn. Took the tire off and went leak hunting. Found a very very tiny one.

So, I drop it off and walk home (20 min walk) and they say they would call and it would be done within the hour. They never called. I had even marked the leak and told them it was on the rim.

1:45 later, I start walking. I arrive there and they "Could not find a leak, so they lowered the pressure to the correct value and set the car out to pasture to "hurry and wait" to see if it looses air.

Me furious when I got there. I said, you take off the tire and I'll use my soln and I'll show you the leak. Well, they didn't take me up on my offer. Next thing I know the guy is taking the tire off, mounting, balancing and he's starting to take it off the rack.

So, for so good.

Next thing, I know the manager is over there and they take the tire off and put an new one on totally free of charge.

I said I'd reset the air monitor.

No wonder why there are accidents on the road. We trust our cars to professionals and they can't even find an air leak.

If you can't find the time to do it right, when are you going to find the time to do it over.

Shhesh! Story of my life.

PS: Doesn't help, I guess when I use very fine soap solution.

I'm definitely pretty much stalking these forums. It feels like all I have right now, other than creepy 21 year old who offered to let me move in.

My parents never really set expectations. We were good kids. We both did well initially. Then my sister joined cross country and marching band and FIRST. She was popular, friendly, and had many dates. She went to prom three, maybe four, years in a row. She got into every college she applied to. She lives in a four bedroom house essentially for free, has a great boyfriend, and makes more money than my parents.

I never joined any extra curriculars except horseback riding. That became too difficult to keep up, so I dropped. My mom came to the lessons-and read a book. My dad, sister, and grandparents probably made it to two or three lessons the two years I rode. They made it to basically every band show the one year my sister played. They made it to many cross country meets. They had to keep on me (so they felt) about missing too much school. I never felt up to it, and I missed a lot. I still did well, just not as well as I could have had I been happy and interested. I hung out with friends less and less.

They never set expectations with grades. We did that ourselves. Neither of us messed with alcohol or drugs. They've said they are proud of me-even though I only applied to one school (and went). I've always been single, and they became accustomed to it. I don't know. I don't feel like they ever set standards. We did that ourselves..


I don't know why I have a desire to please; where it came from. I just know I don't like to be hated. I don't like people mad at me. I don't want a bad reputation.

I think it's a common misconception that humans are the smartest mammals. Well, maybe we are the most intelligent, but that doesn't mean the entire human race is smarter than the average gorilla.. You have some patience. I'd be so annoyed. It's good they fixed it free of charge, though.

Weird, this site works now I've made a decision I can't go back in.

A half hour away, I call my parents and decide to leave.

I shoved them out before I was ready because my dad said he thought I was depressed. He and my mom both have it and take medication for it.

I'm probably being rash and impulsive and everyone will hate me, but I don't feel right here. I just hope this isn't really the end of the world the way it feels it is.

This proves again, you need meds. I'm going to keep hounding you until you make that appointment.

I loved the state. I loved the opportunity. I was comfortable with the campus size and getting around, for the most part.

I hated most of the food. I couldn't deal with the people. They were everywhere, and yet I had no one. I was so alone. I tried to reach out to people, but I couldn't find any support.

Now I'm home and lost. I don't know what comes next. I can't stand myself. I want to jump into something and keep running.

I can't get help here. Not with my parents so close.

I don't know what to do or what is right. I don't want to care.

You think if I took Wellbutrin I'd be instantly better? And you can get this drug without therapy? Sounds too good to be true.

Please call this number ImMEDIATELY...

1-800-273-8255

Call it NOW!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

You think if I took Wellbutrin I'd be instantly better? And you can get this drug without therapy? Sounds too good to be true.

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You won't be instantly better, it takes a couple of weeks for it to work. Also, I don't know why people keep harping on this medication. It does not work for everyone, there are different meds for different people.

Some people need therapy, others don't. It really depends on your particular situation.

Hi Lemons,
I'm just home. Good advice from J-9.
Do call that number. You can call right now.

1-800-273-8255

They will help you.

You are very brave. Hang in there.
asking

The suicide hot line...


I'm not about to kill myself tonight or tie up their line. I'm just completely directionless and feel alone. I'm scared of my decisions. I need to pick something and stick with it and just suck it up and deal. I need to accept that no one can help me now but myself.

I'm sorry if I scared any of you.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what people mean when it's just words on a screen. A lot is lost.

It's true that direction has to come from you and that's a hard transition when teachers and parents have been telling you what to do pretty much all your life. But that's NOT something you have to do right now. And when you are ready, there are lots of people who can help you figure it out. Just let that go for now. You are young and have LOTS of time. Some people don't figure out what they really want to do until they are in their 30s.

On the other hand, you need help with your inclination to hurt yourself. That's not something you should try to handle on your own. You don't have to do everything alone.

Be patient with yourself. For now, just find help in getting well.
Worry about school and the direction your life should take when you are feeling strong.

All I want in the world right now is a place to stay, very far from home, with a guy. I just want to be held. I don't want to make decisions, and I don't want to be alone. Then I want some magic pill to make me happy and well adjusted. The whole having to get to help, be open and honest, and spend money things are in my way.

I don't believe the whole "you are young and have your whole life ahead of you" philosophy. We spend a fifth of our lives in school, approximately, based on the mistaken 100 year scale. After 50, 60, or 70-depending on lifestyle and gentics-you lose the physical and mental ability to do a lot of things. As an American, I only have about 75 years anyway. I want to live while I'm able. I can't afford to slow down..

I think I ought to sleep. My mom gave me wine to help me stay calm tonight.

Your original post was aug 5 it is almost Sept and you still feel the way you do. I think the others may be right that you need to find somebody that you can talk to and get help and advice from since you still feel this way.

Life is work and things don't come easy.
We all want things, basic things, that we don't always get. We have to find the inner strength within us to make whatever work.
You need to learn to rely and depend on you.
I know it sucks being alone. I have spent most of my life feeling alone and never had anybody that really loved or understood me.
But you have to work on the positive things in your life and accentuate them.
A guy isn't going to really fill that void you feel.
He will be nice to have to be held by and be there for you but in the long run you need your own identity and self worth.

I use to watch my grandmother. She put all her life and identity into her husband. Then when he died she was lost.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

The suicide hot line...


I'm not about to kill myself tonight or tie up their line. I'm just completely directionless and feel alone. I'm scared of my decisions. I need to pick something and stick with it and just suck it up and deal. I need to accept that no one can help me now but myself.

I'm sorry if I scared any of you.

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Yes, the suicide hotline. You are killing yourself slowly. You need someone anonymous to talk to. They can help you. They can also point you in the right direction for someone to talk to in your area for free or reduced cost.

Not so slowly--14 extra strength tylenol.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by asking

Not so slowly--14 extra strength tylenol.

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True, that could be a very quick ending to such a young life.

I read online while I was freaking out that night that some people could take half a bottle and be okay.

I need to find where I'm going next. I'm just afraid of not being qualified enough and the time and money I'll waste getting qualified. That probably doesn't make any sense, but I'm thinking volunteer work. Sort of like the peace corp, but not really as I do not have a college degree. Maybe with animals or the environment as the victim instead. I'm afraid college and life experience will stand in my way.

Which means learning cpr and survival skills. Probably getting a job and license in the mean time. I just don't want to be here even a month. I may even have to go online or take night classes, if the loans will transfer and it's absolutely necessary. I can't do dorm life again.


I'm not sure if it's depression or just that I am constantly where I'm not supposed to be with the wrong people. I spent a week camping, rock climbing, white water rafting, and back packing before college. In the smaller setting and with my spending the majority of my time with people older than me or more mature; I was pretty content. I prefer people older and more experienced than me. They are so much more interesting and accepting, and you can learn a lot from them..





I do hear what you are saying about me killing myself slowly. That's why I need to keep moving..

Will you get your butt to a doc. I'm going against the grain here with respect to Welbutrin. My friend, who has VERY SIMILAR characteristics as you felt a difference in two days. Yes, this is not typical. Yes, it appears to me magic. One of the benefits was the ABILITY to think clearly. From the anti-depressants that I have taken for off label uses, this makes the most sense.

Call your primary care physicain, if you have one. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist (they prescribe primarily for mental illnesses).

PLEASE MAKE THAT APPOINTMENT.

What are the similarities, other than writing? What does your friend have?

Unable to think clearly. Generally withdrawn socially. Tried to commit suicide many time using pills. Huge sexual urges. Wanting to please, usually with money. Bad life decisions. Trouble sleeping. Huge anxiety problems. Always has to be doing something.

Unfortunately, he is a psychological therapist with a Master's degree. I am the ONLY person that he has opened up to.

We met on the internet and in person and I've been to his place and he has been to mine.

Yes, I was surprised that it worked so fast for him. Generally the trials for depression meds can take months. Usually there is a guess and a trial and then try to increase to the max or theraputic dosage or until an unbearable side effect occurs.

Unfortunately, anti-depressants can increase or decrease suicide risk, so it's important to get off them promptly if these occur. Generally, it's advisable to slowly wean off the medications.

It might be prescribed like this: 100 mg 1x perday for 1 week. If tolerated, then increase to 2x per day.

If it were me. I'd get a 30 day supply with renewals prescribed as 1 tablet 2x/day. It's understood by you and your doctor what the real directions are. Happens all the time. Hardly any of my directions are right.

From drugstore.com, the price of the drug is about $200/60 tab and Welbutrin SR it's available in 3 strengths. It works for 12 hours. I would recommend bedtime and noon, the mfr doesn't.

My doc is receptive with dosing. He'll just say, whatever works, works.

Your parent's are both taking anti-depressants, so because of hereditary issues, you are probably a candidate too.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

I read online while I was freaking out that night that some people could take half a bottle and be okay.

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That would depend entirely on the dosage of the pills in the bottle and the size of the bottle. Junior tablets are 160 mg, regular strength are 325 mg, extra strength are 500 mg.

Just to address this concretely. The National Institutes of Health (NIH) website says this:

Quote:

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You should not take more than 4000 mg of acetaminophen a day. Taking more, especially 7000 mg or more, can lead to a severe overdose if not treated.

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For 500 mg (extra strength), 4000 mg is 8 pills and 7000 is 14. There is a big difference between "a day" and all at once. You took yours all at once. Also, "you" varies. If you are a 250 pound guy you are going to be able to handle more than if you are a much smaller woman, which you are.

NIH also says: "Symptoms may not occur until 12 or more hours after the acetaminophen was swallowed." This probably explains why you felt crummy the next day. How are you feeling physically now? You sound better.

You might also want to call the poison control center number just to chat about this and to ease your mind about calling them if you are in crisis again and take more pills--which I hope you don't:

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The National Poison Control Center (1-800-222-1222) can be called from anywhere in the United States. This national hotline number will let you talk to experts in poisoning. They will give you further instructions.

This is a free and confidential service. All local poison control centers in the United States use this national number. You should call if you have any questions about poisoning or poison prevention. It does NOT need to be an emergency. You can call for any reason, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

... I'm thinking volunteer work. Sort of like the peace corp, but not really as I do not have a college degree. Maybe with animals or the environment as the victim instead. I'm afraid college and life experience will stand in my way.

Which means learning cpr and survival skills. Probably getting a job and license in the mean time. I just don't want to be here even a month. I may even have to go online or take night classes, if the loans will transfer and it's absolutely necessary. I can't do dorm life again.


I'm not sure if it's depression or just that I am constantly where I'm not supposed to be with the wrong people. I spent a week camping, rock climbing, white water rafting, and back packing before college. In the smaller setting and with my spending the majority of my time with people older than me or more mature; I was pretty content. I prefer people older and more experienced than me. They are so much more interesting and accepting, and you can learn a lot from them..


I do hear what you are saying about me killing myself slowly. That's why I need to keep moving..

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Yes. This all sounds very good to me. You are thinking about things constructively. I like the outdoors too... :)

Vista only requires that you be 18.

The Youth Conservation Corps is outdoors in national parks. There are similar state programs.

Also, there's VolunteerMatch - Where Volunteering Begins.

Still, give yourself time to think things through, and make an appointment today with a counselor, psychiatrist or just a regular doctor. That needs to be part of your plan.

In addition, ask for a liver function test. It's just a blood test, but you should have one.

This is what I have been looking at...

GVI Volunteer Abroad Programs in Africa South America, Asia & Europe
Crewing at Sea - Sea Shepherd

The first would definitely require I work and save a lot of money. I'd have to look into the programs more, but it appears as though you don't go into the programs with degrees and qualification but rather leave with them. Again, too good to be true?

The second is a group of potential outlaws, if you watch whale wars. I've only seen a couple episodes, but my dad says they were arrested for ramming a boat. I'm not about to become a pirate or "eco-terrorist". I just like that the lodging and food is provided for, and I'd be a part of something worthwhile-even if I'm just a small, nearly insignifigant part. I'd have to learn cpr though, at least, and be open to a very extended time at sea.

My dad says I'm an adrenaline junkie. I know I'm restless and impulsive. I like the extreme..


5'6ish and 120lbs isn't quite lightweight either. I do feel better, physically. I was definitely off for a while-even riding in the car or elevator was a bit much. I'm inclined to motion sickness as it is, but my head and stomach felt pretty fragile.


I don't know if you can say those were suicide attempts. It wasn't my initial goal, but I accepted it as a potential outcome. The last time, when I took 21, I saw it as a likely outcome and made myself throw them up. I also don't think you can say I have "huge sexual urges". I'm 18 and a virgin, so it's not surprising I want to know what sex is like. At any rate, I said I wanted to be "held" meaning lie next to a guy with his arms around me. That's not sex. You make it sound so easy to get the pills. Wouldn't it be "drug seeking behavior" if I went to a doctor and said "hey, these people I've been talking to think I have high anxiety and depression and suggested Wellbutrin. Can you write me a slip and call this a day?"

Okay, exaggeration. I know my mind doesn't work the way most people's do. I am incredibly indecisive. I can go back and forth on the pros and cons of a decision forever and still be unsure when I've finally forced myself to make it. I just don't feel right getting this help while I am reliant on family still. I'm 18, but the money and insurance has to come from somewhere. I'd need a ride to these places and people. My problem with the college was that the center was on campus and through the college. I just need it strictly between me and whoever is helping..

If you approach it right it's not pill seeking.

You can use the list on the website that I showed earlier. You can use the approach that " I have these issues and check them off on the sheet. Hand them to the doc.

Fill in more details with examples.

You can tell him that "my parents take anti-depressants" Find out the name of the drug.

Then use the "It's been suggested that Welbutrin be a first order trial for me". What do you think?

If you approach it right, it's not a problem.

Your letting the doc make the decision.

I've had just the opposite relationships. Went to doc the first time and she suggested possibilities and asked me to do some research on the web and select one for a trial. I only saw this doc about 1x before that happened.

My other doc worked on a different approach and this is the one that's usually taken. Lets try drugs that will do little harm and ones that cost the least. I proposed drugs for trials. He proposed drugs for trials. One was Botox for an off label use. That would cost me $500, so it was "on the back burner", but eventually tried.

Being "proactive" helps, but some docs aren't that receptive.

So I emailed the GVI volunteer people and asked them some questions. They take a lot of people fresh out of high school, taking a year off college or just looking for something to do. I could do it.. I just need a job to cover the expenses. Depending on the trip, I can already afford half. It's just you need to pay your own air faire too. I'm developing a plan. College is still a possibility later..


Do I really need medication and therapy, or just to stop doing for anyone but myself?
The liver function test, I understand. I just don't really understand myself. I don't know if I have an illness or am just eccentric with low self esteem..


Maybe no one is truly depressed. Maybe we are all just trying to be something we are not.