 |
I wouldn't have let her move back as she doesn't even talk to you. This is your home and not her's. She is grown at 25 yrs old and should be living on her own. I would definitely make her listen to what I had to say, and then if she continues this behavior, I would tell her to find somewhere else to live. Your husband isn't much help as you say he drinks, so you will have to handle this. You are retired now and should be able to enjoy this and have some peace.
I lived at home until I was 25 years old. I remember when I would get home I would go straight to my room in the basement and would barely not communicate with my parents. Not because I didn't love them, but had other things on my mind etc. I remember my parents say are you going to stay in your room all day, do you plan on getting out of bed. I know it's hard on you but she is young and once she gets out on her own she will finally see how important family is and you will be close again. Don't take it personally.Quote:
Originally Posted by hvezda
You may be an adult at 25 but still not fully matured and most people at that age have so many things on there minds.
This is the continuation of the problem I had with my daughter. She has quit her job out of town and moved to the city with us. She is 26 years old. She has very good job, but problem is that, because of economic boom in town, there is no apartments vacant. She is saving money to buy place of her own, but in the meantime she lives at home. I feel that she has no respect for us at all. When she comes home from work, she locks herself up in her bedroom, sometimes doesn't even say "hi" to us, never talks to us, asks us anything, doesn't share anything from her life with us. She is planning on getting married next year, but she never told us, I found out from her boyfriend. She comes out to eat, packs her lunch for next day and that's it. We don't get any money for rent, groceries, anything. I didn't really ask her for anything. I just can't take this silent treatment anymore. We used to communicate, but that is gone. One day my husband was talking to her and through whole conversation she was making faces, luckily he was behind her, so he didn't see it. One night I tried to give her hug and I saw look on her face that broke my heart.
I don't know what happened, how did it become this way or what to do about whole thing. It eats me up from inside. I don't know how to remedy the situation, so I need help, please!
I am so sorry to hear this. It must be awful to be treated that way. I truly suggest that you sit your daughter down for a face to face chat. Tell her you've noticed these things and ask her why she treats you and your husband with so little love and respect. Try to be non-confrontational so that she might open up. Don't sound like you are making accusations. Start sentences with "I"... I've noticed, I've seen, I feel... If she becomes snarky or unresponsive then it is time to lay down the law. Let her know who's house she is in, remind her that you and your husband are not hotel staff. And I don't know about your mom, but mine would charge me rent as an adult! She has an awful lot of perks and benefits from residing with you. It wouldn't kill her to show some appreciation and gratitude. She should be interested in sharing her life with you. I have never been in your situation, so unfortunately, this is the best advice I can offer.
She is 26 and acts like she is 16. That is what it sounds like. Well, it is time for Mom and Dad to put the brakes on the hotel they have been providing for nothing.
She is acting like a selfish, ungrateful, unappreciative snot, pardon my language, but she shows no respect for either you or your husband and does not deserve to live there anymore.
If she is not going to sit down and have a serious discussion with you and your husband, then you know that she is not likely to start acting responsibly any time soon. AS tough as it might sound, you both need to come an agreement about standing your ground with your daughter. Give her a deadline to move out and if she does not meet the deadline, move her things out for her, change your locks, change your phone number if you have to. But cut the ties that bind. Right now she has no incentive to improve herself. Because it is all too comfortable with you and your husband. Mom and Dad's board and room is all too handy. You need to make it less handy. Less appealing. And not free any longer.
If she is so hard up for money - she can work two jobs - many people do, to get ahead. And they survive it quite well. I would just not put up with this. Her making faces at her own Dad when he was talking - that is something a five year old does.
Good luck to you both in handling your daughter. Sometimes we have to allow our children to land on their butt before they start to get ahold of their own life. You do not need to be financing her lifestyle.
Have you ever asked her what is bothering her or where this stems from?
Maybe your daughter is very much in love with her boyfriend, but you didn't like him, that must be the start of everything. Well as of now.I think just let her be what she wanted to be, because the only person that is important for her now is her boyfriend, if later on she and her boyfriend get into trouble, that's the time she will realize we are right.Quote:
Originally Posted by hvezda
Sometimes we can only let our children bump ttheir heads against a brick wall and have a band aid ready. Why you let a 26 year old move back in and not contribute is beyond me. But for now give her space and carry on with your own life. You need to speak with your husband for some good advice and plan a strategy between you that works for the good of all.
After I made the last post about my daughter I have decided to sent her this letter, because any attempt of us talking to her results in her silence:
"I think and I feel that things have become unbearable just as much for you as they are for us.
You come home, sometimes, not all the times say "boo" or maybe not even that, when you talk to us you talk about "old folks" "pensioners" and so on, in short never have anything nice to say, in fact you have quit communicating with us all together.
We have not even been good enough to tell us that you are planning to get married next year and share the joy with you. I take it harder then dad does, but I think even he notices and it is sad. I watched you the other day, when he came to tell you something into your room, your back was to him and you were making faces as he was talking to you. I am not stupid as you might think, one day when I was trying to give you hug in your room and I saw you make disgusting face and at that moment my heart broke down. Think of it what you want.....I ended up crying half of the night. That is neither here nor there.... mother's love is blind and it always will be, but I need to tell you all this. On the other hand I am not going to be stuck in love and relationship that hurts. We have every right to be treated with "RESPECT" and that is something you don't have for us. It seems that you are enjoying abusing us emotionally.
In case you don't know what respect is here are some answers:
We are ignored
We feel rejected
We are not listened to
We are not asked for our opinions
We are interrupted
We are laughed at
Nothing we say is taking seriously
Our feelings are not ackowledged
Our ideas are not taken seriously
Our needs are not acknowledged
and not taken seriously
Our questions are not taken seriouslyin fact we cannot ask questions
Our questions are not answered or
are evaded
We are told that we wouldn't be able to
to understand something
We are not asked for our ideas
We are not asked how we feel
Our way of doing things is not accepted
We feel betrayed
Does father deserve cold shoulder and silent treatment all the time? "NO" and as a matter of fact neither do I. He had every right when he got mad this morning., and you know that it takes him long time to get mad. You are walking all over us and made us prisoners in our home as well. We are affraid to turn the TV louder for fear of more insults "as you old people can't hear". I am affraid to ask you something in case you are in bad mood and you chew my head off. Is that any kind of life for anybody? "NO"! Can you tell me, since the communication seems to be so important to you everywhere else, what have we done to deserve this kind of treatment from you? We don't get to choose our parents, as we don't get to choose our kids, but one thing I know is that you do not love neither of us. Just think about that one day later in life, you will be where we are now and you will feel what we feel today and it won't be pleasant!
Dad and I worked hard all of our lives and did not have it easy and we deserve break at our age. We don't have many years to live, until now it was a rat race for survival and to make things better for all of us. It's time to start being selfish and look after ourselves, because one thing I know for sure in my heart, you would not move a finger for neither of us. You have lots of benefits from living with us. It wouldn't kill you too show some appreciation and gratitude, give something back in return. You should be interested in sharing your life with us. Sometimes you could offer to clean the house, or cook in return. But that is never going to happen.
It is enormously sad, but true, you have to learn that in life you can't walk all over people that love you the most and be kind to strangers, that will never work in the relationship with us or with your future husband.
I find it sad that your daughter has you so angry with her. She seems selfish and nonunderstanding of yours and your husbands love for her and indeed needs in your life. I like your letter and know that if that was from my mum it would certainly hit a few nerves, I would hand it to her and ask her to leave she has a new life to go onto and will not appreciate what you have done until she has to stand on her own to feet. I adore my parents and they I and I do not understand why children behave in this way I am one of five and the younger two of our clan are very similar to your daughter sounds to me like you have given her too much in her life and she has taken it all for granted sadly losing all respect along the way. Break free and whilst it might hurt for a while when your daughter does come back into your lives she will be the adorable little;e girl you once held she just needs to realise it all for herself you and your husband do not deserve to be treated this way and pound to a penny any ailments you are currently suffering will disappear as the stress is removed take care!
My daughter is 27 and is living at home. She has been with us for the last two years, but now is getting married and moving out. We have had problems together before, but it never has been so bad as it is now.
I became very depressed to the point that I am in bed for the last week unable to do anything.
When she sent out wedding invitations, she did not include our names on it and when I asked her why not, she said because we are not paying for the wedding. That's true we are pensioners on limited income, but she lived here for the last two years rent free I bought all the groceries for her and her boyfriend, it is not the money, it's the principle. She bought a condo, but until the wedding her boyfriend lives there. They sometimes now go there and cook, so today, she is going, and I asked her is she could bring me some leftovers and she started to have excuses that they might eat out, that she will be home late and so on. I said I didn't mind eating late, but she had some other excuse. So I said never mind and I hang up the phone and I will never ask her for anything again.
Every day, when she gets in the house, she says boo, yes boo and goes to her room and doesn't talk to either of us.
I just can't take it anymore!
When is the wedding?
At the end of this month!
She can surely leave your home at anytime prior to the wedding. The way she is treating her own parents is worse than atrocious. Tell her to leave as soon as possible as she is not welcome in your home any longer. With daughters like her who needs enemies? She sure takes the cake if you ask me. If I had a daughter who did this to me and my husband I would ask her to leave. She is highly inconsiderate and extremely selfish if you ask me. Too bad you have to go to the wedding... if it was me I'd go to the movies instead in a town about two towns over.
At the end of this month is your Independence Day! Get her off on the right foot cause you will not be sorry. Hopefully, there will be an abundance of blessings for you ahead.Quote:
Originally Posted by hvezda
The parents of the bride paying for the wedding is an old tradition, it is not expected anymore. With children getting married later in life there is no reason why they can't pay for their wedding themselves, that doesn't give them the right ti disclude you from the invites. This is very rude behavior, especially after living with you for 2 years rent free. She a spoiled little brat.
Good Luck.
I really hope you can put on a fake "happy face" for the next month and just accept all the crap that is your adult daughter with a grain of salt. Just do it.
Don't make waves. Don't complain, don't bother trying to parent her any longer. You can't win against her immaturity. At her age, she either gets it or she doesn't. Don't waste time giving speeches to her on any topic she doesn't specifically ask for advice.
Wish her the best. At the wedding, give her away, and change the locks. The let the partying begin. Count your blessings on THAT day.
Til then... fake happy face.
Honestly, She is not obligated to do anything. She is your daughter yes, but she is a grown women. With her own life. In this situation, in my own opinion it sounds like a parent that is having a hard time letting go. As the above poster mentioned, Don't MAKE WAVES. It is up to her who she includes and who she does not. Just be supportive of her, and except that she is moving on.
Give her a bill for the last two years including meal and laundry services.
And give her a separate bill for the rest of the time till the wedding.
And tell her what you are saying here, that you were giving her help and money for years and that a "big" wedding is her responsibility not yours.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:10 PM. |