Hey thanks for your input everyone.

Yeah I've noticed people seem quite impressed if I say I have maths and physics A-Levels. Unfortunately, I think A-Levels are pretty much useless unless you use them to get into university. I can't even sleep properly (even with over the counter sleeping pills), university is just way too difficult for that reason alone.

So I'm a bit screwed up; I'm trying to sort myself out. This supermarket job was part of that. I'm doing OK at the moment and better than I thought I would be. You guys are helping me, I could be quite different right now. And this forum is like a journal, and a bit like counseling (only better). But if I try and get another job and fail, I can start taking it personally and could get depressed. Start thinking about the past like losing this job and why and things could really get to me.

It's OK to feel the way you feel. It usually sucks when you are moving toward something only to be rerouted to take a detour, or are moving away from something only to be held back. It is good that you are looking for answers and options right now instead of wallowing in self pity. I am truly happy to hear that things aren't as bad as you thought they would be, and that you are still with us. You can "journal" here as much as you like, and we will all listen.

Just to put things in perspective, my mother-in-law lost her job a few months ago and has gone to about 5 interviews with one call back and no offers, but she hasn't given up yet. Just because you don't get the next job you go after, don't let it mean that you aren't good enough or aren't worth much. Sometimes is less about being the right person and more about finding the right job. Life goes on even through the "end of the worlds" that people experience every day. I hope that life will lead you to a newer, better opportunity that you didn't even know existed, and I hope you recognize it when it happens and note how if you ended your world over this situation now, you wouldn't have a chance to participate in that opportunity. It may take weeks or it may take years, but I'm pretty certain it will happen eventually. Best of luck to you.

DMA I am happy to know that you are feeling better:D . As for the way you feel. You have some "perfectionist" tendencies. Most of us can handle what life throws at us but sometimes things happen and we can't cope the way we think we should, so we go into a depression. Remember that some of us here are merely giving our opinions and even the professionals at this forum are not fit to give you exact answers as many symptoms mimic each other. What I am trying to say don't self diagnose:( . I think you are doing fine and to have people to talk to can do a lot more than one can imagine:) .

I am one of the strongest ones in my family, always there for everyone, giving advice and lifting everyone's spirits and one day I lost one of my friends and there it was depression. Soon I had to do the most embarrassing thing... see a counselor. It was not all bad and it helped a lot; it helped me to see things in a different light. You know just like we are doing for you. I do think at some point you may need to see a professional and probably get some medication for a period until you can cope better with what is being thrown at you. Just something for you to consider.

Now as for your certificates. It is the same way wherever you go. The more degrees you have the less important they seem to become as these competitive years go by. As for being impressed with your certificates... well people with "A” levels usually acquire "O"levels first. Then no matter what part of the world you are from besides Chemistry, Math and Physics are difficult subjects to pass. As for people with certificates; I am from a country where "O" levels will get you a job in a department store or a clothing factory and believe me I am talking cashier or clothing maker. It is also a ticket to get into the Community College or the Polytechnic. Yes, and to get into the University you better have "A" levels. You see we have one Community College and one University and I was not smart enough to get into either. You are such a knowledgeable person but it is quite obvious that it all comes easy to you, that you don't realize it. Nevertheless I think it is so cool.

DMA I know I have strayed away from the main topic but I just wanted you to know how truly special and intelligent you are and I know you have a lot to offer.
By the way DMA do you have any idea how hard you are on yourself:( ? Take care and be good to you for you;) . I will talk to you later.

Hello DMA! I'm so glad you came to this forum to ask for advice, and I'm so happy that you've been able to see how many people are here to rally around and support you.

I read everything you wrote, and it's clear that you're a bright, sensitive and thoughtful person. I have this sense about you... that if a friend of yours had written your post, you would be someone who could give them lots of compassion and some really good advice. What do you think you would tell them? I'm guessing that you would want them to feel like there is always so much hope worth having, no matter what the situation, and that they should do whatever it takes to get better. Well, that's what we're telling you! :)

Whenever someone considers suicide, for whatever reason, it's time to talk with a professional who can help you to handle whatever is going on. This is nothing that you need to feel afraid of. In fact, it's a luxury! Think of it this way: you don't have to carry the weight of your feelings by yourself! You get to have someone to whom you can vent all of your frustrations and tell all of your dreams. Even better, this is someone who will be completely on your side, absolutely looking out for your best interests, who doesn't judge you, who takes you seriously, who can give you advice you can trust... all the things anyone needs when times are tougher than usual. You get to have a coach, you get to have a friend, you get to have someone you can cry in front of if you have to.

I know you said that you've tried counseling before and you aren't throwing a party about the idea of going back, but please don't dismiss the idea just because you weren't 110% satisfied the first time. One thing to consider is that there are a lot of doctors out there, and some are better than others for each person or each situation. If you don't want to go back to the same doctor, at the very least consider going to another one. There are so many great therapists out there, and it would be a shame to miss the chance to speak to one when you need it most just because the first one wasn't your favorite of all time. :)

Let your doctor take all the weight off your shoulders. Like it has been explained by numerous posters, if medication is recommended, you should know that the whole point of it is to take the physiological imbalance out of the picture so that the real YOU can start feeling normally. Sometimes life's stresses can actually cause a chemical change in the brain. Medication serves to level the playing field, and to give you the chance to accomplish anything that would be a much bigger challenge without it. Like you, there are many people who are not tickled by the idea of taking anti-depressants, but as soon as they find out what it really does, they realize there's no reason to be scared of them! They're there to help you! Any good doctor will make sure that the medication prescribed is right for the individual, and that it's given in the right doses.

Millions and millions of people go through depression at some point in their lives, and a good percentage of them, through therapy or a combination of therapy and medication, manage to leave depression behind forever.

The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself when you need it most. There is no reason for you to have to feel the way you do when there are so many incredible options out there to help you get back on your feet.

I'm really happy to see you having such positive discussions here on the board, and I'm so happy to see you sharing your story here. I wish you a million lovely things!

Hi DMA we haven't heard you in a while. How is everything going?

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Originally Posted by BigS

Hi DMA we haven't heard you in a while. How is everything going?

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Too soon to say for sure. I would say I am 'ok' at the moment. I'm supposed to be looking for a new job but I've been putting it off this past week. Not wanting to deal with it. Typical of me. I know why though. Because I know other people can get a job. Everyone can, can't they? So why not me? Well if I don't apply for jobs, I don't have to face that question. That's why I put it off.

linnealand, from my experience, one the first things the counselor said to me was that they never give advice. Also from the last thing I heard, I am still receiving counseling and I will be contacted with the next appointment. But it's been so long now it's clear they are not going to contact me because maybe I don't deserve help or at least other people deserve it more than me.

Hi DMA, it is amazing; you seem like such a good person, I bet willing to help others yet hard on yourself:) . I see you are in the "feel sorry for me" mood:(... that is OK but you are only allowed to let it last for a short time; that is BigS' orders.
It’s hard but you have to get back on that horse and start riding again. Jobs are extremely hard to get; one is over qualified, lack qualification or people are just not hiring at the moment; there are many, many more reasons. DMA you deserve a job as much as others do; stop selling yourself short. More doors will be slammed or closed in your face. Sometimes it seems like the world has an “all out war” against you. Not true. When one door closes another one opens, and another one and another one... the cycle can go on for a while. You might even have to look for a window if there are no more open doors.

You don't want to venture out right now because you know what will happen... and you may be right, but if you don't get out there you might miss the opportunity of a life time.
DMA you are depressed and have an obscured vision of everything going on around you and to you. You have to be good to you for you; you have to take care of you for you. If the counselor doesn't call you then you need to give them a call. For you to make an assumption that you probably don’t need help and others need it more than you do….. well you may have a point somewhere in between there…that should obviously tell you that “Wow” I am not alone they are people out there as troubled as I or worse. As for the counselor thinking you might not be in a crisis. I don’t know what goes on in that room but I know the first time I went to counseling, skeptical me told him some of my feelings I was not totally honest because I wanted to convinced myself that I was not one of those mental patients. I knew I had it together. DMA, I was trying to find a way to justify why no matter what I was not like those other people there to be seen. During my third session I started answering questions and before I knew it I had told the counselor more than I would care too, I was in tears too…didn't even realize it until I was handed a box of tissues. I didn’t feel stupid, just wondered how that happened and why? Well for one thing I was finally honest with myself, I shared what was going on with me and my true feeling with my counselor and in the end I felt better like a load was lifted….. no it didn’t fix the problem... it was like a break through ….a realization.
Counselors don’t fix your problem they give you the tools to help yourself, so you will know what to do when life throws you lemons instead of throwing them out because they are bitter…we learn to make lemon tea or lemonade;).

I am sure you have helped someone on this site with a similar or close problem to yours, you have let them see they are not alone and to go seek help. Your courage and honest is overwhelming. You may have saved a life.

DMA Be honest with yourself when you see your counselor:cool: .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DMA

Too soon to say for sure. I would say I am 'ok' at the moment. I'm supposed to be looking for a new job but I've been putting it off this past week. Not wanting to deal with it. Typical of me. I know why though. Because I know other people can get a job. Everyone can, can't they? So why not me? Well if I don't apply for jobs, I don't have to face that question. That's why I put it off.

linnealand, from my experience, one the first things the counselor said to me was that they never give advice. Also from the last thing I heard, I am still receiving counseling and I will be contacted with the next appointment. But it's been so long now it's clear they are not going to contact me because maybe I don't deserve help or at least other people deserve it more than me.

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Hello again! I'm so glad you posted. We missed you!

Here's the story. My dad is a very prominent psychologist in the US. Most of my parents' friends are psychiatrists and psychologists, and I grew up around them and all of their children. Everyone I've ever known has been in therapy at one time or another. In fact, my dad always said that it's crazy *not* to go. :)

Since my parents are so aware of the benefits of therapy, we would often go to resolve our problems as a family. All of us also went individually. I've always found it helpful for whatever was going on. When my little sister suffered a serious depression as a teen, I was the one who took care of her, and therapy probably saved her life. A few years ago, a very significant person in my partner's life committed suicide, and I was the one who had to handle contacting her family, clearing out her apartment, and holding her friends as they wept. Depression is no joke, and as soon as the word "suicide" crosses a person's mind, it's time to get help right away.

Actually, your post is accurate - most therapists won't give advice... in the traditional sense. This means that they won't tell you who to go out with, or how to dress, or how you should feel about something that happened to you. But what they do is actually incredibly helpful. Let's say you go in and begin talking about how you're feeling and everything that's been going on in your life. The first thing is that I've found that just saying things out loud works wonders. It relieves so much of the pressure that builds up when you bottle things up inside. And then I've found that many times after I say something out loud to somebody, even if I really thought a certain way, I will find that the most significant ideas I was running my life on weren't right at all! It brings an enormous amount of perspective on everything. You'll find that the therapist might ask you questions that will bring you to answer them yourself! But the ironic thing is that it really does take someone like that to bring it out of you. It's very, very tough to do it alone, and there's no reason to have to go the hard way. Therapy is a very, very, very good thing.

I'm really glad to hear that you're been in some contact with a counselor. BigS is right in everything he said. Don't wait for them to get back to you - sometimes schedules and personal lives can get overwhelming (they are real people just like you and me after all :)) so there's no reason on earth to take it personally. Give them a call and make an appointment. If you tell them it's important, they will do their best to give you an earlier time slot. Also, if you're ever feeling completely overwhelmed, therapists will also accept emergency phone calls. Do call them if there is an emergency.

I know what you mean about putting off the job search, but the truth is that it's also part of the depression. The hard part is that it can make you feel even worse, just like you described. But don't beat yourself up! This is a time when you deserve compassion and kindness for yourself. You need to be taking care of yourself, and being loving and giving are the best ways to take you there.

I'm a math and science fan, too! Have you considered going for something totally different for the time being? I don't know if this is something you'd be into, but I was thinking that taking care of other living creatures might give you a lot of confidence. Perhaps you can see if a local shelter or kennel needs someone to help, even part-time? Also, animals can be very therapeutic.

It would be a great idea to go out and do something that you know you like, even if it feels like it's hard to do right now. Get some fresh air, get some exercise, and come home with a positive attitude, whatever you can do.

Even here on this forum, it's clear that you have a good and sensitive heart. You did well in school. You've been reaching out, and you communicate well with us. I think you should feel proud of yourself for all of these things and more. Post as much as you can. I'll bet that getting some of these feelings out is helping inside. Keep posting, and hold your head high!

I wanted to say thank you to you guys that have helped me. It means a lot I want to say I really appreciate it. I value this forum and it's members more than a real counselor.

I am too hard on myself. I try and be a good person but if things are not working out and I start blaming myself. It is easy for me to do, and if I start hating myself then things get worse.

I am really feeling better after reading your responses. I am planning on starting job search this next week too. But certain situations, and in particular certain verbally abusive family members, will have the ability to bring me down so am I going to move forward if possible but it's very uncertain what the next few weeks will be like.

Good for you DMA and I want you to consider us your family too. You definitely need to see a counselor; one thing you said and it is very important; seems like the people you should be able to depend on are the ones dragging you down. No matter what happens in our lives it is family that we expect to pick us up and give us encouragement. Your family certainly isn't there for you. They are supposed to love, encourage and forgive without being judgmental.

It is easy for us to listen to the negative when we are down. It is easy for us to be so blind when we are down that we don't notice how others are helping to drag us down. You see DMA you are very sensitive, caring and intelligent person but it seems like you won't be able to get out of this rut if you don't get help.

I am not trying to confuse or depress you now you are up again... I want you to be gradually and constantly moving forward. Be cautious of those who have nothing but negative to say to you; be weary of those who try to discourage you. DMA be careful who you share your dreams with. Remember “misery likes company” and your family might just be your poison. They may see themselves in you and in some ways you can actually live the dream they couldn't so, the abuse is their reaction. DMA those who care about you should be happy you can accomplish that which they couldn't……for whatever reason. This is just a possibility.

Hi DMA, don't mean to be a nag but how did this week go?

I don't know who originally said this, but I have it written down and I read it all the time and it helps me put things back in perspective. I hope it helps you too.

Beginning again... because everything in life is a series of cycles that continue to begin and end like night and day.

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Originally Posted by BigS

Hi DMA, don't mean to be a nag but how did this week go?

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Not a nag at all. Busy doing nothing is me this past week. Only applied for one job (didnt get it) and then I've been doing other things. Got used to being unemployed very quickly, I find it quite comfortable and get into a routine to pass the time and the weeks drift by.

I appear to be doing OK on the surface. But lately, I'm never very sure how I'm doing emotionally. I think I am steady, but nothing really bad has happened to test just how steady I am if you know what I mean?

So you applied for a job, good for you. Glad to hear from you and happy to know you are staying busy but what are you busy doing? The problem with depression is if it is not dealt with head on, your feelings and emotions can be distorted …even to you. Waiting until something bad happens is going to serve no purpose if you are not equipped with the tools to deal with it. Why, you wouldn’t go swimming without swim trunks, or playing tennis without a racquet. You couldn’t possibly drive a car without lessons. All I am saying is you should use the right equipment or tools for the job.
Now DMA I am glad you are taking one day at a time and it is very difficult to do the things you know you should be doing; it is almost like your mind is telling you what you need to do and it all makes sense but somehow the will to do it is not there. This is why you need the right tools for the job….that would be therapy, so you can be given an idea and an explanation and subsequently you can follow through. You must take baby steps. Have you ever considered doing volunteer work? I find that quite satisfying. Please think about it.
You must crawl before you can walk. If you stumble and fall, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go at it again.
You have been given a plethora of advice but what you do with it is all up to you. Please think about it and consider that which suits you best and try to follow through. Remember though you should take care of you for you and you should try to be good to you for you.
Is there any close family or friend you can talk to when you are down?
Have a good day and talk to you later!

Hi DMA my computer has been down. What's going on with you? We all miss you.

Hi, not much has been going on with me. I just realized I haven't applied to anymore jobs. I did apply to college though. I am more than qualified academically to get on this course, so if I don't get it I expect things to feel a lot worse for me. So I'm clinging on to that for hope at the moment. If I don't get it, it will be another one of those "end of the world" moments. I have generally been OK, except one of these past days I researched how to kill myself with carbon monoxide poisoning. So maybe I'm not doing that great.

I didn't get into college. Despite scoring 100% on the entrance exam. My life just keeps getting better and better.

hello again. I just read your post from the 19th. As BigS wrote, a whole lot of people have been giving you the right advice. None of them is telling you to get help because they have something to gain from it. You need to take care of yourself, and you are going to have to force yourself to find a qualified professional. Growing up is not easy. I'm about to take a risk here, but if you don't mind me saying so, I think you could really use a change in perspective. What would you think if your friend decided to die because he didn't get to work in the store he wanted to work in? Or if he didn't get into the school he wanted to get into? Or if he didn't get the girl he had a big crush on? Life is about so much more than the branches you find strewn along its path. You need to start seeing these things as reasons to work harder, and not as reasons to give up. There is no such thing as sailing through life without all of the weather nature brings.

thoughts of suicide = depression. Depression requires professional help. You want help - that's why you're here - so why postpone finding someone who can actually do something real to give you a hand with it? There's no point in letting a chemical problem (i.e. lack of serotonin) or your pride run your life. Give up playing games with your mind and call a psychiatrist. You might not have the support systems around you telling you what you need to do to get better, but we're here, and we've been telling you, so now you know, and now you're going to have to make that phone call. The strong parts of your deepest self will take care of you; you just need to make sure you're not stopping them from doing their job. Life gets so much better, I swear it.

My computer has been down again:( . Thanks a bunch linnealand, I hope you are listening DMA. Everyone does care about you but you too have to start caring for yourself:( . We are not going to give up on you but to be perfectly honest it is very exhausting trying your best to assist someone and all you do doesn't help any. I am at my wits end but still hanging on for dear life. I can't tell you the depression I went through when the site kept telling me the topic was closed and I was scared to death wondering what happened:o . I know that a lot of things in my life I have failed in even though I have tried my absolute best but I couldn't bear to think my two cents worth did nothing to help you DMA.
I was thinking... you (DMA) are really good at science subjects:) ; you are applying for various jobs... but not to insult your intelligence... but how good are you at selling yourself and writing a resume; remember in an interview they don’t know you from the others who apply for the job so it is up to you to do an excellent job presenting yourself and with great confidence and enthusiasm. The person who is qualified and confident will certainly get the job before a better qualified person who has nothing to bring to the company. Planning is the key. If you have no one to help you prepare for the actual face to face interview, practice with a tape recorder and mirror. If it is just submitting it through the internet then certainly have someone proofread your work…no matter how good you may be; a second or third set of eyes will spot the things missed the first few times.
DMA when surfing the net try looking up topics that help with the improvement of self esteem and imagine what it life would be like if you forgive yourself, like yourself; appreciate yourself and how to be good to you for you.;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by linnealand

hello again. i just read your post from the 19th. as BigS wrote, a whole lot of people have been giving you the right advice. none of them is telling you to get help because they have something to gain from it. you need to take care of yourself, and you are going to have to force yourself to find a qualified professional. growing up is not easy. i'm about to take a risk here, but if you don't mind me saying so, i think you could really use a change in perspective. what would you think if your friend decided to die because he didn't get to work in the store he wanted to work in? or if he didn't get into the school he wanted to get into? or if he didn't get the girl he had a big crush on? life is about so much more than the branches you find strewn along its path. you need to start seeing these things as reasons to work harder, and not as reasons to give up. there is no such thing as sailing through life without all of the weather nature brings.

thoughts of suicide = depression. depression requires professional help. you want help - that's why you're here - so why postpone finding someone who can actually do something real to give you a hand with it? there's no point in letting a chemical problem (i.e. lack of serotonin) or your pride run your life. give up playing games with your mind and call a psychiatrist. you might not have the support systems around you telling you what you need to do to get better, but we're here, and we've been telling you, so now you know, and now you're going to have to make that phone call. the strong parts of your deepest self will take care of you; you just need to make sure you're not stopping them from doing their job. life gets so much better, i swear it.

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As always your posts are great and quite meaningful. If DMA listens to one person I hope it is you. When you speak lots of folks listen and think. I do believe you are helping a lot more than DMA. Thanks.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by linnealand

what would you think if your friend decided to die because he didn't get to work in the store he wanted to work in? or if he didn't get into the school he wanted to get into? or if he didn't get the girl he had a big crush on?

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Yeah that would be pretty stupid I guess. But if it was all those things, plus several others then it can make you want to end it all.

I did go to see doctor recently. Now I have fluoxetine (prozac). Takes 4 weeks to work though. And statistically speaking, I'm now at a higher risk of suicide (according to wikipedia). I've never taken anti depressents before so lets see how it goes.

Thanks to everyone involved. Good for you DMA, as you said it takes sometime before the medication kicks in. Do remember antidepressants are not like they were years ago they are not as potent yet more effective. As you know from your research, sometimes antidepressants can make one worse so pay attention to how you feel. You will be able to tell the difference. Like other medications, sometimes what works for you may not work for me so although we may have the same symptoms; it may take a few trials an errors in order to get the medicine at the right dosage that fits your needs. Now DMA I am proud of you for making such a giant step. I know it must have taken a lot out of you. Keep your head up and I will talk to you later. ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BigS

I was thinking ....you (DMA) are really good at science subjects:) ; you are applying for various jobs...but not to insult your intelligence....but how good are you at selling yourself and writing a resume; remember in an interview they don’t know you from the others who apply for the job so it is up to you to do an excellent job presenting yourself and with great confidence and enthusiasm. The person who is qualified and confident will certainly get the job before a better qualified person who has nothing to bring to the company. Planning is the key. If you have no one to help you prepare for the actual face to face interview, practice with a tape recorder and mirror. If it is just submitting it through the internet then certainly have someone proofread your work…no matter how good you may be; a second or third set of eyes will spot the things missed the first few times.

DMA when surfing the net try looking up topics that help with the improvement of self esteem and imagine what it life would be like if you forgive yourself, like yourself; appreciate yourself and how to be good to you for you.;)

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This is excellent advice. Personally, I'm a mess when it comes to writing resumes. Planning is definitely the best way to give yourself the best chances. BigS, you've got sooo much heart, and I think your comments are both touching and wise. Many thanks for your very kind words.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DMA

Yeah that would be pretty stupid I guess. But if it was all those things, plus several others then it can make you want to end it all.

I did go to see doctor recently. Now I have fluoxetine (prozac). Takes 4 weeks to work though. And statistically speaking, I'm now at a higher risk of suicide (according to wikipedia). I've never taken anti depressents before so lets see how it goes.

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Hello again dma. :) I'm very happy to hear that you saw a doctor and that you're giving the anti-depressants a try. It will take some time for them to work properly, but the only way to get to that point is to take them. Remember that the way anti-depressants work is to free you of the physiological issue so that the real you can work out the rest. They should always be taken in addition to some kind of therapy. This will help the doctor to make sure the amount is right for you, and it will also give you the chance to work things out with someone else on your team. It will take work, but given some time you'll be back and better than ever! I'm really proud of you for taking these steps. It's not easy, but you're absolutely doing the right thing.

Okay, let's take a look at someone else's life for a second. Abraham lincoln is considered to have been one of the most important presidents in american history. Here are some of the setbacks he faced before he got there:

* 1831 - Lost his job
* 1832 - Defeated in run for Illinois State Legislature
* 1833 - Failed in business
* 1834 - Elected to Illinois State Legislature (success)
* 1835 - Sweetheart died
* 1836 - Had nervous breakdown
* 1838 - Defeated in run for Illinois House Speaker
* 1843 - Defeated in run for nomination for U.S. Congress
* 1846 - Elected to Congress (success)
* 1848 - Lost re-nomination
* 1849 - Rejected for land officer position
* 1854 - Defeated in run for U.S. Senate
* 1856 - Defeated in run for nomination for Vice President
* 1858 - Again defeated in run for U.S. Senate
* 1860 - Elected President (success)

That's the kind of determination to have. Right? See if you can get your hands on a copy of the song "PICK YOURSELF UP." here's a piece of it:

"...Nothing's impossible I have found,
For when my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off,
Start all over again.

Don't lose your confidence if you slip,
Be grateful for a pleasant trip,
And pick yourself up,
Dust yourself off,
Start all over again.

Work like a soul inspired,
Till the battle of the day is won.
You may be sick and tired,
But you'll be a man, my son!

Will you remember the famous men,
Who had to fall to rise again?
So take a deep breath,
Pick yourself up,
Dust yourself off,
Start all over again."

And here's "High Hopes"YouTube - Frank Sinatra - High Hopes

I don't know about you, but whenever I'm having a hard time music is the best thing to lift me right out of it. Find things that are inspiring, and stay away from the depressing stuff! Some of my very favorite mood lifters are aretha franklin, james brown, bob dylan, johnny cash, frank sinatra... I swear I'm in my 20's, but you can't get me away from the classics! Dma, I wish only lovely things for you. Keep stepping ahead!

Oh, and as my dad has asked me on many occasions, do you know how to eat an elephant? It's one bite at a time.

Interesting taste in music you have. Usually I would listen to angry music if I am feeling angry, sad music if I am feeling sad, etc. Except if I listen to something from when I was younger, it can remind me of happier times. Which doesn't always make me feel better.

6 days in on the prozac. I'm not doing well. I was awake till around 5am last night, just laying there going over different things in my head. Probably spent a couple hours just thinking about all the places in my house I could tie a rope to to hang myself. Is this the meds doing this?

I asked doctor for sleeping pills when I went to ask about anti depressants. He didn't want to give them to me because he said they are addictive.

I love all kinds of music, but dark music can put you in a darker state of mind if you're already down.

Here's a little story to take to heart:

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”


6 days is still very early into the process. It's going to take time, and you have to be patient with yourself. Lots of people spend the whole night worrying themselves sick about things they don't actually have to think about. You are allowed to let the stressful stuff go. Stressing yourself out in night-long sessions isn't going to help you at all. You need your sleep, too. It's probably related to some anxiety issues that are related to the depression. You are allowed to feel good. You need to force yourself to do positive things and think positively. The sleep issues will definitely get better as you get better.

I am assuming that you've talked with your doctor about the suicidal thoughts you've had? It's very important that you do. It's part of the depression. If you are seriously concerned about the possibility of actually attempting any of these things, you should voluntarily admit yourself to a hospital with 24 hour care. The disease is plays tricks with your mind, and it can make you think in different ways. Your job is to let the deepest, greatest, strongest parts of you make the decisions that will make you better.

Have you ever heard of wayne dyer? He's a psychologist with some very special ways of looking at the world. I know that there are lots of his lectures and audio books that you can find on the internet for free. I would also really recommend deepak chopra, who is a doctor who deals with the mind and the body. They're incredibly insightful. Find them!

Also, you might want to try to find a copy of lucinda bassett's "attacking anxiety and depression," or something else like it. I think you might find it extremely helpful. You need to find ways of being in control of your thoughts instead of letting them try to control you. These are things that will serve you for the rest of your life, including when you're all better.

Whatever you do, don't stay in bed all day. Force yourself to get outside, and do something that pumps a whole ton of fresh air into you. Keep some kind of a schedule during the day and stick to it! You're going to come out of this better than ever, but you have to be strong about it. Go and get some fun stuff, too! Funny movies, funny anything. Laughing and smiling (even when it's forced!) will actually change your chemical balance faster. Do you like monty python?

I'm sending you more songs. "Always Look On the Bright Side of Life!"

YouTube - Always Look On The Bright Side Life Monty Python Music Video

U2 - Beautiful Day
URL Makeover

Live Like You Were Dying
YouTube - Live Like You were Dying/Tim Mcgraw

And some James Brown:

YouTube - James Brown - Get Up Offa That Thing

YouTube - James Brown - Good Foot (Rare)

URL Makeover - I feel good

Then check out some of these songs:
40 Inspirational & Motivational Songs That'll Keep You Refreshed! at Goal Setting College at Goal Setting College

They might not be your favorite genre, but you don't have to tell anyone. :) It's about the words.

I know I was trying to get to sleep but I am so restless. I can be OK in the day, such as listening to happy songs and not feeling too depressed. But at night I have no distractions and only myself for company. I just can't turn my brain off it's working flat out going over things in my head.

A few months ago I was getting worse and worse after going to bed, going over things and being hard on myself. Eventually felt so bad I cut my arm with a knife and after that I felt a lot better and slept better than I had done in a long time! But as I am right now I do try and get some exercise most days. So I am not really low like you need to be to start cutting yourself. At the moment I don't cut I just loose sleep. I've tried thinking positively, I tried letting go of everything to stop thinking, I just stay restless and lay there without sleeping.


I went back to doctor to ask for sleeping meds. He was worried I might overdose on them since I was feeling suicidal. That is probably the real reason why he didn't want to give me them the first time round. I said I wasn't planning to overdose so now I have some temazepam. Should knock me right out I hope. Will be trying one tonight.


I even told a close family member I wanted to kill myself after they asked how I was. It didn't quite get the reaction I was expecting somehow... they went out to the cinema with a friend.

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Originally Posted by DMA

I'm starting to consider killing myself based on the outcome of an event (non trivial) that should occur by the end of the week. I've never so calmly and rationally thought about it like this before. That is what is worrying me now, I'm scared I will try to go through with it. I'm thinking it is the only way I can show people how I am feeling. I don't want to talk about what's going on with me. Let's just say things are getting to me and I am finding it difficult to cope.

Anti depressants? My reaction is always no way I don't want them. I don't want my thoughts and feelings to be controlled with drugs. Maybe I can be persuaded that they are a good idea? The other problem is I'm sure they are a temporary fix, and when I come off them I will be back where I started. Counseling I have tried and it's been fairly useless, I don't want to pursue that at the moment.

I want to know if there is anything else I haven't considered? Because at the moment I am feeling like I am running out of options and the best thing to do is to die :(

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Suicide is not the answer.
Since you don't give any details on what the issue is that has you thinking of this it is difficult to make any concise comments.
Do you have a belief system? Religion? Faith?
Is there a clergyman or someone not related to you or the issue that you can go and just talk it out with?
I understand your angst and not feeling like you can go much longer or further with things the way they are... but I always try to remember this... if you are brought to it, God will help you through it...

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Originally Posted by DMA

I know I was trying to get to sleep but I am so restless. I can be ok in the day, such as listening to happy songs and not feeling too depressed. But at night I have no distractions and only myself for company. I just can't turn my brain off it's working flat out going over things in my head.

A few months ago I was getting worse and worse after going to bed, going over things and being hard on myself. Eventually felt so bad I cut my arm with a knife and after that I felt a lot better and slept better than I had done in a long time! But as I am right now I do try and get some exercise most days. So I am not really low like you need to be to start cutting yourself. At the moment I don't cut I just loose sleep. I've tried thinking positively, I tried letting go of everything to stop thinking, I just stay restless and lay there without sleeping.


I went back to doctor to ask for sleeping meds. He was worried I might overdose on them since I was feeling suicidal. That is probably the real reason why he didn't want to give me them the first time round. I said I wasn't planning to overdose so now I have some temazepam. Should knock me right out I hope. Will be trying one tonight.


I even told a close family member I wanted to kill myself after they asked how I was. It didn't quite get the reaction I was expecting somehow... they went out to the cinema with a friend.

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I think marie asked some very smart questions! What do you believe in?

On a personal note, I really hope you got the opportunity to check out the doctors I wrote about in my last post. Wayne dyer and deepak chopra have done a tremendous amount for all kinds of people in all kinds of tough situations. I feel happy with my perspective on the world, and I know that they've played a part in that for me.

Sleeping pills can help, but be careful with them. Some kinds can make you groggy during the day, and they can become addictive. I've used them at different points in my life (I'm prone to insomnia), but I get a much better quality of sleep without them. I try using them for a week only, and then go to half a pill for a couple of days. If I'm setting myself up for sleeping earlier and preparing myself in calm ways before I go to bed, I can usually stop taking them altogether at that point. I can identify with what you described, and it sounds anxiety related to me, which is probably very related to the depression.

About your close family member, most people don't know how to handle that kind of information. As hard as it might be to understand, it doesn't make them bad people either. And as hard as it might sound, even though you might not be feeling like you're at your best, you're going to have to be the strong one in this. You have to be the hero of your own life.

Nature gives every single one of us the strength to come out of anything. Believe in that. It takes a lot of work, but you will get there. Force yourself to do the right things. You'll get better, and you won't believe that you were ever so hard on yourself.

Someone in my life committed suicide 4 years ago, and although I wasn't the person closest to her in life, I was the one who had to notify her family and friends. I cleaned out her apartment. I took care of just about everything afterward. She was an incredible human being, and I will never be able to express just what a mistake she made, and how awful it was. I won't go into details, but I do know that she changed her mind after it was too late. She kept talking about suicide, and although her doctor was aware of this, she wasn't put in 24 hour care. Even we notified her doctors. YOU have to know where your limits are, and if you are seriously considering suicide, check yourself into a hospital.

I can promise you that suicide does not teach anyone a lesson. Your life is a GIFT, no matter how tough some of it seems, and YOU have to make it become the life you want.

It's not about a girl or a job or a house or a bank statement. Life is a joy; you just have to know how to see it that way. When things are tough, you have to find your way out of it with hard work and a positive attitude. They say that success is 90% attitude. Happiness is at least that. We're wishing the best for you. Good luck.

I consider myself a rational person believe it or not. Based on all the available evidence it is very unlikely that there is a god, so I don't follow any particular religion. I can see some of the benefits and how religion can give people hope, but I just don't believe.

I was planing to have a look in my library for wayne dyer and deepak chopra. But it isn't a very big library so I'm not expecting to find much. Still there might be some good books there by other authors.

So far I'm disappointed with the sleeping pills. Even after taking 2 of them I was laying in bed for hours feeling very awake! But yes it seems like they don't help get good quality sleep at all. I will ask about getting something much stronger next time I go to see my doctor. Looking back I've had trouble sleeping for years. I think I've been depressed since school without realizing it. Gradually getting worse but taking a nose dive this last year or so.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can totally understand and agree with you, linnealand. Even if you did go into details about your friend I'm sure I would agree with you about how awful and such a mistake for her to commit suicide. I think feelings are not always rational and I don't seem to be able to deal with them sometimes. My trigger can be an event or maybe feeling very lonely... I start to feel worse quickly and then I start hating myself... if it gets to that stage I can really start to verbally abuse myself (in my own head), which includes repeating things other people have said to me... then it can get dangerous if I start to try and rationally think about it. When that happens I give myself reasons and evidence explaining why I'm worth less than nothing and reasons absolutely everyone will be better off after I commit suicide. By then I'm not thinking about 24hr care because I'm hating myself. But I'm taking anti depressants so I haven't given up yet. But I still think there is only so much a person can take before they welcome death. Lets say I manage to hang on in there but unless things start to get better eventually, then... well it may be possible I will attempt suicide. But I'm not expecting that any time soon.

Some other authors to look for are Marianne Williams... specifically "A Return to Love" and "Everyday Grace"...

I have my moments... thought any time my thoughts head to ending it all I immediately scold myself... it's simply not an option... I was the 'adult' the kids went to when one of my daughter's high school friends committed suicide... and I don't mean to be harsh here... but it's a very selfish act... you may not think or even believe it's true... but the people you leave behind will be crushed... and you will be the cause of their grief...

I always remind myself of the possibility of reincarnation... and figure... well... if I were to do that... "they" would just make me come back and face the same type of trials again in order to learn the lesson I'm supposed to be learning... and next time it might be even harder...

Why do I know how you are feeling?

My daughter... 29 in October... won't speak to me... for the past 4 years... and has told me she never will and I won't ever be a part of her life or that of my two beautiful grandchildren... one of which I saw get born... the other I've never met... and I honestly can say... that I am still in the dark as to why or how everything could be good one week (she would call me 3-5 times a week to help with the first grandbaby... tell me what a wonderful mother I was... that she wanted me in the delivery room with her for the second baby... etc... (when this happened... she and I had had MAYBE 2 times where we actually raised our voices to one another)... she called me her best friend... then two weeks later (after visiting/evacuating from a hurricane to her father's home... I was told what a horrible mother I had been and she wouldn't 'subject' her children to me... as I said... it's now been 4 years... and though I can get through most days... there are those that I just weep... and feel helpless and hopeless... but I know... and sometimes I have to dig deep to remember it... (when I'm in one of those terrible funks)... that nothing is hopeless... and that everything works out as it should...

"Everyday Grace"... by Marianne Williamson... find it... I listen to it sometimes twice a day... and at the very least... once or twice a week... it helps me through those deep and vicious dark places...

I hope this helps... I am praying for you...
Marie

I don't really understand why your daughter would do that, it doesn't make any sense to me.

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Originally Posted by marie1973

I have my moments...thought any time my thoughts head to ending it all I immediately scold myself...it's simply not an option...I was the 'adult' the kids went to when one of my daughter's high school friends committed suicide...and I don't mean to be harsh here...but it's a very selfish act...you may not think or even believe it's true...but the people you leave behind will be crushed...and you will be the cause of their grief...

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I've thought about that before. When I'm at my lowest I am thinking I won't really be missed. Sure, there may be a couple of people that might get upset but they will get over it. When I'm at my lowest I believe they would be better off after I'm gone; again with reasons explaining why. But then I've been told outright by parent why I'm worse compared to everyone else, and they want me gone. What's wrong with me? I try not to be a bad person... who have I hurt? No one I can think of. I'm just a bad person whatever I do I should just be put down. I just don't deserve to live anymore. People shouldn't even have to look at me I'm so degusting.

I know exactly how you feel. I have tried to commit suicide, it was a horrible experience, ended up in the hospital with doctors trying to shove tubes down my throat. 5150'd psych ward, the whole bit. I look back on that now and it scares me. What if I had succeeded? I wouldn't have gotten sober, never would have been able to hold my babies in my arms, never would have gotten married to my husband, what I'm trying to say is that I would've missed out on a wonderful thing- life. Get some help- in the mean time we care about you. Talk to us we're here for you :)

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Originally Posted by DMA

But then I've been told outright by parent why I'm worse compared to everyone else, and they want me gone.

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Okay, that explains a lot. How old are you? When we're young, we look up to our parents no matter what they do or what they say. Many times, our feelings can reflect the things we hear. This is especially the case when it comes to how we see ourselves. It's a hard puzzle to solve. On the one hand, you can internalize the negative things that have been said. If you actually start to believe those things, it can feel like those words are almost powerful enough to crush you.

On the other hand, you have to remember that the only person who can decide who you are is YOU. Many people come from situations that aren't ideal. We don't get to pick our families or where we come from, and sometimes, especially because until we're well into adulthood and independent lives our families create our image of the world, it can be a rough road. But you can't ever, ever, ever let yourself be consumed by those derogatory remarks.

The more you get back on your feet, the more opportunities you'll create for yourself, and the more you'll become independent. You need to believe in yourself from the beginning. You said that you don't believe in God. I think that people who do find something to believe in have an easier time with faith in the world. But what's most important for your situation, no matter what, is that you believe in YOU. You have to believe in all the goodness there is in this world, and you have to go after it. It's out there every single minute of every single day, and it's waiting for you to see it.

There's a children's story/CD/movie called "The Point" by Harry Nilsson. The rock man asks the main character, named oblio, "did ya ever see paris?" oblio says no. the rock man asks, "did ya ever see new delhi?" oblio says no. the rock man answers, "well, that's just it. ya see whatcha wanna see, and ya hear what ya wanna hear. ya dig?" so if you're letting the bad things in, they'll try to live inside you. But if you shut them out, and if you let the good things shine in, your life will become a whole lot brighter. There's no reason to think about giving up, EVER.

Hi DMA, seems like you are having your moments and it is good to see everyone is doing their part to help you stay on your feet. Remember you have to try really hard to filter out the negative. It is not easy... in fact it is very hard to do. I will be signing off for a while because I too am now dealing with some emotional stuff:( . I have to find a way to help myself and be in good health before I can think of assisting someone else:( .
DMA, you hang in there and remember "Success is the greatest revenge" Have a good week! :D

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Originally Posted by BigS

Hi DMA, seems like you are having your moments and it is good to see everyone is doing their part to help you stay on your feet. Remember you have to try really hard to filter out the negative. It is not easy...in fact it is very hard to do. I will be signing off for a while because I too am now dealing with some emotional stuff:( . I have to find a way to help myself and be in good health before I can think of assisting someone else:( .
DMA, you hang in there and remember "Success is the greatest revenge" Have a good week! :D

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"Remember you have to try really hard to filter out the negative." This is great advice. ALL of us have to do this everyday to keep healthy. "Success is the greatest revenge." It's TRUE!

BigS, I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time, too. You've been so wonderful, and I really hope things turn around quickly for you. Your great attitude will do a lot to help you. I wish you well!

I am 21. It is true I believe things that have been said to me. It's very difficult to remember that many specific experiences, I guess I have just tried to forget about them. But they have shaped myself image I'm sure.

Is it ever too late? Is it possible to have a life that cannot be salvaged and should be written off?

I need to believe in myself. I clearly do not. Where does that leave me? Just hating myself. You are all too kind to me. If I am a bad person, you should be not trying to help me and you should be telling me to kill myself. If I am not a bad person, why do I find myself in such a bad way? If I am treated badly and other people are not, then clearly there is something wrong with me.

There is such a thing as becoming a serial victim. Sometimes people actually draw these things into their lives and they never realize that's what's happening.

You need to be compassionate to yourself, but that doesn't mean throwing pity parties.

Is it ever too late? At 21? No, and I don't think you believe it's too late either. Do you know anything about nelson mandela? He was locked in a tiny cement prison cell in south africa for 27 years. After he got out, he managed to become president of the country, break apartheid, and become a symbol of dignity and peace around the world. You haven't even been on this planet for 27 years. Can you imagine what that must have been like? He certainly didn't give up.

I just saw a documentary on a 27 year old paraplegic who changed his whole life to find more happiness in it. He can only blink his eyes and move one finger a fraction of an inch. HE'S not giving up hope.

And YOU have the whole world in front of you.

What defines a bad person? Do you intentionally hurt other people? Do you lie, cheat, steal, manipulate? If you don't, chances are you're not a bad person. If you do, stop doing it!

I certainly can't make you like yourself. No one other than you can!! You have a lot of wisdom in your hands. You have to CHOOSE to use it. YOU have to change your consciousness. If you don't like something about yourself, then change it. Suicide is not an option. Now start thinking about things you CAN do.

It is never too late... every day is new... with no mistakes in it... and your day to begin again... be gentle with yourself... surround yourself with people who are positive... and support you...

When you were little... what did you want to be when you grew up? Go from there and try to figure out a path for yourself... and take it a day at a time...

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Originally Posted by linnealand

what defines a bad person? do you intentionally hurt other people? do you lie, cheat, steal, manipulate? if you don't, chances are you're not a bad person. if you do, stop doing it!

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No I don't hurt anyone. I don't lie, cheat or steal. I sure don't manipulate. Although some manipulation I would just call social skills. But I don't have those anyway.


I'm feeling much more positive now. But I cut my arm up today. So many times all down my arm. I've never done that before. I think people are going to see it tomorrow (not family). It will be interesting to see their reaction. I expect 99% of people will not say anything and pretend not to have seen it.

After I cut my arm up, I overdosed on sleeping meds. I got some stronger ones from the doctor too. But it's how I need to get to sleep now it feels good today. Going to take some more in a minute to get to sleep for the night.

I'm also feeling a lot better about killing myself. I was thinking how I can help people and since I don't need to be alive anymore I was thinking my spare organs can be given to people who need them to live. Such as lungs, kidneys, heart, etc. to people who really need them. They should be able to make better use of them than me :)

Hi again DMA, it is amazing the power of negative thoughts. 20 compliments can be overshadowed by 1 negative saying or thought. Please explain to me why you are not allowing your medication for depression to work; and if it is making you feel more suicidal then you should inform your doctor so something different can be prescribed for you. DMA please explain to me why are you taking more than the prescribed amount of medication.

As for donating organs well they will need organs they can use, if you overdose on drugs then you might have damage them and they might not be useful enough for someone else. Oh yes, explain to me why you a child of God is less important than the rest of the world? Why not use all the talents you have now that you are alive to help others.
Volunteering is amazing, you feel good when you help others and realize that you are not the only one with problems. We all have problems and issues, it is how we deal with them that matters most. Does that mean you will never have problems when you get older... certainly not but you will learn how to deal with the speed bumps in the road that life has to offer you?

DMA you need more help than just medication. They are supposed to assist in your treatment and you should be in some group or “one on one” care where you can discuss your problems.
I too am going through some stuff but I wanted to check and see how you are progressing. I hope I am not too confusing. I will check back to see if you have answered any of my questions.

If you ever listen to country you should listen to Brad Paisley; he has a song "If I wrote a letter to me". It talks about growing up.