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I wouldn't have let her move back as she doesn't even talk to you. This is your home and not her's. She is grown at 25 yrs old and should be living on her own. I would definitely make her listen to what I had to say, and then if she continues this behavior, I would tell her to find somewhere else to live. Your husband isn't much help as you say he drinks, so you will have to handle this. You are retired now and should be able to enjoy this and have some peace.
I lived at home until I was 25 years old. I remember when I would get home I would go straight to my room in the basement and would barely not communicate with my parents. Not because I didn't love them, but had other things on my mind etc. I remember my parents say are you going to stay in your room all day, do you plan on getting out of bed. I know it's hard on you but she is young and once she gets out on her own she will finally see how important family is and you will be close again. Don't take it personally.Quote:
Originally Posted by hvezda
You may be an adult at 25 but still not fully matured and most people at that age have so many things on there minds.
This is the continuation of the problem I had with my daughter. She has quit her job out of town and moved to the city with us. She is 26 years old. She has very good job, but problem is that, because of economic boom in town, there is no apartments vacant. She is saving money to buy place of her own, but in the meantime she lives at home. I feel that she has no respect for us at all. When she comes home from work, she locks herself up in her bedroom, sometimes doesn't even say "hi" to us, never talks to us, asks us anything, doesn't share anything from her life with us. She is planning on getting married next year, but she never told us, I found out from her boyfriend. She comes out to eat, packs her lunch for next day and that's it. We don't get any money for rent, groceries, anything. I didn't really ask her for anything. I just can't take this silent treatment anymore. We used to communicate, but that is gone. One day my husband was talking to her and through whole conversation she was making faces, luckily he was behind her, so he didn't see it. One night I tried to give her hug and I saw look on her face that broke my heart.
I don't know what happened, how did it become this way or what to do about whole thing. It eats me up from inside. I don't know how to remedy the situation, so I need help, please!
I am so sorry to hear this. It must be awful to be treated that way. I truly suggest that you sit your daughter down for a face to face chat. Tell her you've noticed these things and ask her why she treats you and your husband with so little love and respect. Try to be non-confrontational so that she might open up. Don't sound like you are making accusations. Start sentences with "I"... I've noticed, I've seen, I feel... If she becomes snarky or unresponsive then it is time to lay down the law. Let her know who's house she is in, remind her that you and your husband are not hotel staff. And I don't know about your mom, but mine would charge me rent as an adult! She has an awful lot of perks and benefits from residing with you. It wouldn't kill her to show some appreciation and gratitude. She should be interested in sharing her life with you. I have never been in your situation, so unfortunately, this is the best advice I can offer.
She is 26 and acts like she is 16. That is what it sounds like. Well, it is time for Mom and Dad to put the brakes on the hotel they have been providing for nothing.
She is acting like a selfish, ungrateful, unappreciative snot, pardon my language, but she shows no respect for either you or your husband and does not deserve to live there anymore.
If she is not going to sit down and have a serious discussion with you and your husband, then you know that she is not likely to start acting responsibly any time soon. AS tough as it might sound, you both need to come an agreement about standing your ground with your daughter. Give her a deadline to move out and if she does not meet the deadline, move her things out for her, change your locks, change your phone number if you have to. But cut the ties that bind. Right now she has no incentive to improve herself. Because it is all too comfortable with you and your husband. Mom and Dad's board and room is all too handy. You need to make it less handy. Less appealing. And not free any longer.
If she is so hard up for money - she can work two jobs - many people do, to get ahead. And they survive it quite well. I would just not put up with this. Her making faces at her own Dad when he was talking - that is something a five year old does.
Good luck to you both in handling your daughter. Sometimes we have to allow our children to land on their butt before they start to get ahold of their own life. You do not need to be financing her lifestyle.
Have you ever asked her what is bothering her or where this stems from?
Maybe your daughter is very much in love with her boyfriend, but you didn't like him, that must be the start of everything. Well as of now.I think just let her be what she wanted to be, because the only person that is important for her now is her boyfriend, if later on she and her boyfriend get into trouble, that's the time she will realize we are right.Quote:
Originally Posted by hvezda
Sometimes we can only let our children bump ttheir heads against a brick wall and have a band aid ready. Why you let a 26 year old move back in and not contribute is beyond me. But for now give her space and carry on with your own life. You need to speak with your husband for some good advice and plan a strategy between you that works for the good of all.
After I made the last post about my daughter I have decided to sent her this letter, because any attempt of us talking to her results in her silence:
"I think and I feel that things have become unbearable just as much for you as they are for us.
You come home, sometimes, not all the times say "boo" or maybe not even that, when you talk to us you talk about "old folks" "pensioners" and so on, in short never have anything nice to say, in fact you have quit communicating with us all together.
We have not even been good enough to tell us that you are planning to get married next year and share the joy with you. I take it harder then dad does, but I think even he notices and it is sad. I watched you the other day, when he came to tell you something into your room, your back was to him and you were making faces as he was talking to you. I am not stupid as you might think, one day when I was trying to give you hug in your room and I saw you make disgusting face and at that moment my heart broke down. Think of it what you want.....I ended up crying half of the night. That is neither here nor there.... mother's love is blind and it always will be, but I need to tell you all this. On the other hand I am not going to be stuck in love and relationship that hurts. We have every right to be treated with "RESPECT" and that is something you don't have for us. It seems that you are enjoying abusing us emotionally.
In case you don't know what respect is here are some answers:
We are ignored
We feel rejected
We are not listened to
We are not asked for our opinions
We are interrupted
We are laughed at
Nothing we say is taking seriously
Our feelings are not ackowledged
Our ideas are not taken seriously
Our needs are not acknowledged
and not taken seriously
Our questions are not taken seriouslyin fact we cannot ask questions
Our questions are not answered or
are evaded
We are told that we wouldn't be able to
to understand something
We are not asked for our ideas
We are not asked how we feel
Our way of doing things is not accepted
We feel betrayed
Does father deserve cold shoulder and silent treatment all the time? "NO" and as a matter of fact neither do I. He had every right when he got mad this morning., and you know that it takes him long time to get mad. You are walking all over us and made us prisoners in our home as well. We are affraid to turn the TV louder for fear of more insults "as you old people can't hear". I am affraid to ask you something in case you are in bad mood and you chew my head off. Is that any kind of life for anybody? "NO"! Can you tell me, since the communication seems to be so important to you everywhere else, what have we done to deserve this kind of treatment from you? We don't get to choose our parents, as we don't get to choose our kids, but one thing I know is that you do not love neither of us. Just think about that one day later in life, you will be where we are now and you will feel what we feel today and it won't be pleasant!
Dad and I worked hard all of our lives and did not have it easy and we deserve break at our age. We don't have many years to live, until now it was a rat race for survival and to make things better for all of us. It's time to start being selfish and look after ourselves, because one thing I know for sure in my heart, you would not move a finger for neither of us. You have lots of benefits from living with us. It wouldn't kill you too show some appreciation and gratitude, give something back in return. You should be interested in sharing your life with us. Sometimes you could offer to clean the house, or cook in return. But that is never going to happen.
It is enormously sad, but true, you have to learn that in life you can't walk all over people that love you the most and be kind to strangers, that will never work in the relationship with us or with your future husband.
I find it sad that your daughter has you so angry with her. She seems selfish and nonunderstanding of yours and your husbands love for her and indeed needs in your life. I like your letter and know that if that was from my mum it would certainly hit a few nerves, I would hand it to her and ask her to leave she has a new life to go onto and will not appreciate what you have done until she has to stand on her own to feet. I adore my parents and they I and I do not understand why children behave in this way I am one of five and the younger two of our clan are very similar to your daughter sounds to me like you have given her too much in her life and she has taken it all for granted sadly losing all respect along the way. Break free and whilst it might hurt for a while when your daughter does come back into your lives she will be the adorable little;e girl you once held she just needs to realise it all for herself you and your husband do not deserve to be treated this way and pound to a penny any ailments you are currently suffering will disappear as the stress is removed take care!
My daughter is 27 and is living at home. She has been with us for the last two years, but now is getting married and moving out. We have had problems together before, but it never has been so bad as it is now.
I became very depressed to the point that I am in bed for the last week unable to do anything.
When she sent out wedding invitations, she did not include our names on it and when I asked her why not, she said because we are not paying for the wedding. That's true we are pensioners on limited income, but she lived here for the last two years rent free I bought all the groceries for her and her boyfriend, it is not the money, it's the principle. She bought a condo, but until the wedding her boyfriend lives there. They sometimes now go there and cook, so today, she is going, and I asked her is she could bring me some leftovers and she started to have excuses that they might eat out, that she will be home late and so on. I said I didn't mind eating late, but she had some other excuse. So I said never mind and I hang up the phone and I will never ask her for anything again.
Every day, when she gets in the house, she says boo, yes boo and goes to her room and doesn't talk to either of us.
I just can't take it anymore!
When is the wedding?
At the end of this month!
She can surely leave your home at anytime prior to the wedding. The way she is treating her own parents is worse than atrocious. Tell her to leave as soon as possible as she is not welcome in your home any longer. With daughters like her who needs enemies? She sure takes the cake if you ask me. If I had a daughter who did this to me and my husband I would ask her to leave. She is highly inconsiderate and extremely selfish if you ask me. Too bad you have to go to the wedding... if it was me I'd go to the movies instead in a town about two towns over.
At the end of this month is your Independence Day! Get her off on the right foot cause you will not be sorry. Hopefully, there will be an abundance of blessings for you ahead.Quote:
Originally Posted by hvezda
The parents of the bride paying for the wedding is an old tradition, it is not expected anymore. With children getting married later in life there is no reason why they can't pay for their wedding themselves, that doesn't give them the right ti disclude you from the invites. This is very rude behavior, especially after living with you for 2 years rent free. She a spoiled little brat.
Good Luck.
I really hope you can put on a fake "happy face" for the next month and just accept all the crap that is your adult daughter with a grain of salt. Just do it.
Don't make waves. Don't complain, don't bother trying to parent her any longer. You can't win against her immaturity. At her age, she either gets it or she doesn't. Don't waste time giving speeches to her on any topic she doesn't specifically ask for advice.
Wish her the best. At the wedding, give her away, and change the locks. The let the partying begin. Count your blessings on THAT day.
Til then... fake happy face.
Honestly, She is not obligated to do anything. She is your daughter yes, but she is a grown women. With her own life. In this situation, in my own opinion it sounds like a parent that is having a hard time letting go. As the above poster mentioned, Don't MAKE WAVES. It is up to her who she includes and who she does not. Just be supportive of her, and except that she is moving on.
Give her a bill for the last two years including meal and laundry services.
And give her a separate bill for the rest of the time till the wedding.
And tell her what you are saying here, that you were giving her help and money for years and that a "big" wedding is her responsibility not yours.
First that's very rude of your daughter to not invite you, you are her mother and if it wasn't for you and her father she wouldn't even be here in this world. And so what if you're not paying for the wedding you've taken care of her all this time, she's old enough to take care of her self and pay for it on her own. If that man wants to marry her so bad then he should pay for it. Don't worry she'll regret not inviting you, just pray to God that when she has kids of her own, they won't treat her the same way she treat it you. Believe me it all come's back. Distract yourself do things around the house, move your furniture around keep yourself busy and maybe that will help you stay away from all that stress.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SillyGirl10
Okay, maybe I'm wrong, but the way I read her post, she is invited to the wedding, the wedding invitations don't have her and her husbands name on it.
Most invites have; Mr. and Mrs. blah, and Mr. and Mrs. Bleh invite you to join in the marriage of their children, Brat and Bratty.
I think that's what she meant.
I have an adult daughter (the only child) that got married and moved away (not too far from our house) last year. When she was living with us until she was 27 years old, she had everything she wanted. We never had close relationship. I am extroverted and she is an introvert, so we always crossed each other's boundary. She is very well off, for which I am really happy, but I miss her at home. She seldom calls, maybe once in a month, we are getting up in the age and I would appreciate at least a phone call to say "how are you guys?". After all we are getting up in the age (mid sixties) and one would think that she would at least show some concern. I love her dearly and I suffer all the time, because of this. When I call her, which is not that often I get one word answers, so I get the message. Sometimes when I have some small emergencies I call, but she doesn't answer the phone, even though I know she is at home. I just don't know how to handle this situation I feel totally allienated from her life! We travel and do our own thing, so I am certainly not dependent on her, but I still suffer, because of her distancing herself from us. I keep saying to myself as long as we are well and healthy, that's all that matters, but inside I am empty and feel the emptiness every day. When we were away for three months all I got from her was on line of E mail. I feel that life is running away so fast and I am missing being part of my child's life! I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I want to tell her, write her how I feel, which I have done in the past, she changed for a while, but then we are back to the same thing.
You say you never had a close relationship so it's unlikely that you two will suddenly become best friends. You can continue to reach out and hopefully age/maturity will win. I never had a close relationship with my mother growing up and although we try, we are still not close. I wish it were better but we are very different and the troubles we had in the past still linger in my mind. Perhaps there's more to her distance. What has she said to you when you've talked to her about your feelings?
Also the fact that she lived at home until the age of 27 probably plays into her wanting to keep some distance. She's a newlywed so it's normal to be completely absorbed in her new life. Keep trying but she may be comfortable the way things are.
I'm not sure what is really normal, or approprate to expect from a 27 year old, as far as communication with mom goes.
As has been said, with the relationship never being close, as far as verbal communication, doing things together, sharing eachother's likes/dislikes (you being extroverted, her being the opposite), I don't know if it 'fits' that she will feel comfortable comunicating now, simply because her circumstances have changed.
This is what I see as the 'empty nest syndrome', as corny as that phrase is, it is for you and your husband, an empty nest.
Regardless of the relationship you had with your daughter, or her age when she left home to live her own life, there is a great and very emotional void left when the house has returned to just two people again.
There is a need to keep the lifeline connected somehow. If your relationship had been different with her, perhaps your phone would be ringing off the wall, and your inbox would be full. But, the relationship is no different than it was when she was at home, and that will be reflected now that she's gone, with the same kind of non-communication.
That is not to say of course that you love her, or she loves you, it is only to say that what she has done now is a normal part of life, and your expectations of a better relationship may never happen, through direct contact.
Maybe there is a different way to go about this. What about having them both over for dinner once a month, or what about just you and her time at a theatre show, or shopping trip. Maybe plan a girls night out for the two of you. I'd probably cut back on the phone calls and email, but once a week, send an 'update' email, especially if you and your hubby are on vacation, just keeping her up to date.
That way, you know you've been in touch. If you receive something back, it's a bonus, but at least there is regular, updated communiction, and she can pick up the ball if she wants to. If she doesn't, you will at least feel better that you have communicated with her in a way that is comfortable for both of you.
My son is in Korea, and under contract for a year. He has moved all around the world but this has always been home. I realized that with this last move, that this wasn't his home anymore. He is independent, healthy, and happily pursuing his dreams. I still get choked up talking about this. While as parents we foster and nurture the very people they have become, the empty nest had me very depressed.
Like you, I would be devastated not to hear from him, but he is also one of those people who, in person, is very different communication wise, than when he is away. I send an update that I described to you. To him, it is probably comforting (I hope) and part of his routine to know that once a week, he'll hear from me. How dad's doing, the pets, work, interesting things that have happened, news of friends and neighbours.
I know he likes to get them because when I'm too busy to send one, I get the one word email saying... "how are things...".
Maybe try that, and see what happens. She isn't really gone, she's only living her life, and you've done your job, and done it well.
This will get easier, and if its any help, you are certainly not alone in how you feel.
Take care.
I just posted thread the other day about my daughter!
Since she got married we were invited to her house for a meal, this is about 10 months. When she got married she never put our names on the invitation, saying that this is proper, because we did not pay for her wedding, which is not really quite true, she lived at home and went for six years through University at our expense. The invitation for dinner at her house was to thank us for the work we did for her wedding, I guess.
They used to come to our place every week for meal, to which I invited them. Recently I had birthday and I got phone call in which my daughter said:"what are you doing for your b day?" It ended up basically her asking me to have them over for supper and buy my own cake, which I did, but it left me bitter and resentful. I know she invites lots of people over and yet, we are never on the list, so I just feel like not asking them over anymore, either. I know this will not solve the problem. My husband says,"just forget about it and go on with your own life, now that you have the opportunity", but I can't I feel hurt. It's no use to talk to her about it, because then she will say come over and I will feel that it doesn't come from heart, it comes, because I asked. I just cannot stop thinking about it and the more I think about the selfisness, more depressed I become. I love her very much!
Hello hvezda
Listen to your husband. I think he got it right !
First if you can't afford to pay for her wedding you can't,
But her living at home and you paying for hier college has nothing at all to do with paying for the wedding. Paying for the wedding is just that, paying the hall, for a dinner, for the dress and so on.
Can the invite to her house just be an invite, does it have to be "for something"
And you are not inviting them over to your house either, sounds like sour grapes and they don't invite you for the same reasons?
So you invite them over every chance you get and get over it.
First, I merged your two threads. Please don't start a new thread for a follow-up question. Use the Answer Tis Question options.
Second, In looking for the previous threads I noticed that you first posted an issue with your daughter 4 years ago, and other posts in the interim. I think the whole history may need to be reviewed to understand what's going on.
The bottom line is nothing is going to change without open honest direct communication.
Tell her how you feel and express to her exactly what you would like from the relationship.
Ask her what she is willing to give and ask her what she would like from you.
If you can not agree,see if there is some way to reach a compromise.
I am at my witts end! I have a daughter who is 30 years old. I feel that she does not include us in her life at all. When she went to the college, she asked her boyfriend to come with her. We flew her once a month home so she could be with us.After the college she moved back home, started to work and saved up for the wedding. We did not charge her any rent , bought all the food and so on. When it came time for the wedding our names were not on the invitations. I felt really hurt, considering we gave her very generous monetary gift for the wedding. She never asks me to come to the movie with her, shopping. When I am in close vicinity where she works every time I phone her and ask her to come for lunch with me, she has previous plans. When she comes to the doctor's office which is practically accros from our house I have to ask her to stop by, otherwise she wouldn't. I love her very much and I feel hurt all the time. She will not discus with me what is the problem, so I am forever wondering what has gone wrong and blaming myself. Now she is pregnant and she is going for the ultrasound to find the sex of the baby. I would love to go, but she has not asked me, this will be my first grandchild and even if she would ask me I feel like I don't belong! I am an extrovert and she is introverted, but the closness of mother and daughter just isn't there! We are not very young in our late sixties and I feel that things will not hcnage even when the grandchild will come and I feel really depressed over it all. How can I get her to talk about what she feels is the problem, so we could talk about it, possibly forgive what went wrong and go on with life? She lives not too far from us and yet we never see each other, if I don't phone or E mail she doesn't! It is very heart wrenching knowing that she is so close, yet so distant!
And what about when the grandhchild comes, what will happen then?
Dr Kevin Leman has some great books on how to enrich relationships of all sorts, stages, and types. I highly recommend looking into his selection of "help books".
I hope one day soon, she'll come around and you two can make up for lost time.
God bless you at this time of heartache.
I'm so sorry you're hurt, and I hope that I can be honest with how I see this and it won't hurt you further.
I know it feels like a slap in the face that your name wasn't on the wedding invitation, but that's the norm these days. The old tradition of having the parents names on the wedding invite is no longer. I'm 40, got married at 24, and I was the only one of all my friends that included my parents names on the invitation. That's just the new way.
I was very close to my parents, we saw each other a few times a week, talked on the phone every day, but when I was pregnant with my first child, they were not invited to ultrasounds, or doctors appointments. That was something between my husband and me. There was no reason for them to be involved in that aspect of my pregnancy. This is something for the husband and wife to experience, the grandparents can experience the child after it's born.
I don't want to sound harsh, but could it be that you expect too much? You say that you email her, phone her, you expect to go to doctors appointments, etc. You seem to be pushing for a lot, and maybe she's avoiding you because of it.
I know it's hard to back away. I don't have adult children yet, mine or 12 and 8, but my son (the 12 year old) is already starting to be distant (something he needs to do to develop into a good strong man) and it hurts. The thing is, I know I can't push. The more I push, the more he'll push away. They do that even at 30. I know, I was 30 once too, as were you. :)
Let her know that you're there when she needs you, that you love her, that you want to be a part of her life, but don't push. Let her come to you when she needs you. It may take a while, but if you stop having expectations of what you want your relationship to be, she may just want you to be in her life.
I hope everything works out.
Good luck.
My dear hvezda, I have merged all your threads about this going back to 2006, because its important to understand how long you have been going through this pain. Its much to long to keep the same thing alive in your heart, and torturing yourself like this. She has always been a problem, and for whatever reason, you still have done your best, but she has not responded in kind.
Yes it hurts, but you have to let this go, and get the proper help, and guidance to accept her for what she is, and heal the hurt you have carried far to long.
I don't know if she will ever get it, or change, but I do know you have to help yourself, and build a life that's good for you, whether she is a part of that, or not.
One of the hardest things a parent does is to let go of their children when they are forced to. I can imagine her being your only one, its especially hard, and I do feel your pain. I can only pray for you, but its only you who can push yourself to be happy, and pray for your daughters well being, and happiness, while you find your own.
You have carried this heavy burden in your heart far to long, and it really is time to let it go, and care for yourself. I pray you get the help you need to find yourself, that you seem to have lost so long ago, and find peace and happiness, no matter what your daughter does.
You can do this, I have faith, and hope that you find that faith in yourself. You are long overdue.
Thanks for your answer Talaniman! I know this has been going on for so long and I also know that it is very difficult to change or expect to change someone.
I pray all the time to find peace in my heart. But with my daughter being pregnant with my first and probably only grandchild that I will ever have considering my age I am very exited, but you know what? I am scared out of my witts, more than I am exited about it all! You want to know why? I know that nothing will change in our relationship, since it hasn't till now, I have to accept things the way they are, but I know that it will be a torture knowing that I have a grandchild and I will have very limited access to the child, just like I have to my daughter. It is very difficult, yes specially with just having one child. It's the fear that I really wanted to talk about.
Fear brings about many emotions and feelings of frustrations. That's why its so important to accept what you have no control over and do the things you can control.
To overcome fear, have courage, and get busy with a life that makes you happy. That's almost all you can do at this time is take care of yourself and make your own peace and happiness.
Sometimes it feels like life makes us really helpless, but actually we are not, as we still have many other options and opportunities to explore that have been pushed aside by what we are going through at the moment.
But we don't have to be stuck in misery. We can always choose to do better for ourselves, so choose now what you want for YOU, and get about getting it.
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