Yes, I wish I had more friends in general, but in a way I don't care. I mostly have met friends at school but still most people they don't even want to try so why try with them if they won't even want to talk to me, plus I like to talk to people who seem nicer. Yes, well, I don't know about that, but maybe I'd try culinary so I could at least cook well, then make sure if I want to I can go another time and choose something else then be done with it and get a job. And yes, although I think I would rather be alone for a while after stuff like high school or job corps. Idk, about work. If I could be anything, maybe a singer. One who is classy, not dressing in that sort of way.. the way that shows so much skin all the time.

Cooking and singing, I'm impressed. (I have a picture of you doing both at the same time, the Singing Chef.. )
Most states have scholarships for short training programs like culinary schools, so ask your guidance counselor. I hope you have a good one at your school.
Of course you can just get a job in a restaurant starting with a very basic job. It's tough work, on your feet non stop.
You could waitress too - I wonder if the restaurant would let you sing short bits of song as you wait on tables. Have a one minute song to sing when you apply. LOL. Just some dumb ideas, or not so dumb, who knows.
I had an entry level job in a shop and got to use my artistic ability making a sign. They loved it so much they let me make all their signs from then on. I don't think I got a raise, but I did get to sit around making signs.

Haha, well I do like to sing. I can cook if I want to, I just am so lazy I don't feel like it. I would rather do a culinary program if it was at job corps, even if it was just to learn how to cook better, and I think meeting new people would be a plus. And yes, I was thinking I might just see if I can get a job at mcdonald's or denny's or somewhere that's not walmart but still not being a janitor, I think a job just being on my feet so much wouldn't be bad for me, my balance has improved from what it seemed to be before. I don't want to sing around strangers, it sometimes might just feel weird to do that. They're not exactly dumb ideas, just things I'm too shy for. I mostly keep to myself, I don't really even hum near other people unless I feel like it and they won't mind. That other job sounds kind of cool too, but to me it wouldn't be too bad just having a crappy minimum wage job but it being a first job so even if its worse than working at walmart in a way, at least its still something.

Almost all first jobs are pretty awful... I've had 36 since 1964.
I worked at a testing lab, watching mice die. My job was to keep about 100 of them tied down, struggling, with their mouths stuffed with a wad of nicotine, and to write down when they died. I lasted 3 days. Virtually everyone who worked there was out of their minds. I drove a cab for a few hours one winter, with no heat and a dead battery, so I had to keep it running, but with the windows open because fumes from a broken exhaust pipe came up through a hole in the floor. I walked away from the cab stop in front of a hotel, almost passed out, and told them to go get their cab. I could go on! Worse jobs out there than Walmart.

Yeesh, that job sounds so much more worse than working at a fast food place. And yes I have known that even Walmart is not that bad compared to other things. I mean to some people it seems bad. I hate how they don't have any decent insurance, my older brother works at a Walmart.

How much time do you spend with your brother? Does he sympathize with you about your parents? Is he living on his own?

Actually, I haven't seen him in over 6 months. I rarely get to spend even a little bit of time with him. Idk if he sympathizes with me about my parents. Hes living with some people who are friends.

Back to cooking, I wonder if your mom would calm down a little if you gathered some recipes off the net and cooked dinner one or two nights a week. Many other nations have the yummiest veggie dishes. I like Thai, Indian, Mexican (with or without animal). There's an Indian meatball dish called kofta that is totally veggie but in it's sauce it tastes like meat.

I like watching cooking shows. Not crazy about the super competitions where they can sabotage each other. But I can't stand on my feet very long anymore, so a cooking career is out. Unless I lowered all counters to 30" or less.

My mom doesn't seem to even want my help most of the time, but I could just start seeing if she'd be OK with me helping her cook. I used to like watching food network. Now that we have cable again and its so basic, I don't even want to watch anything. I like a lot of different types of food like chinese food, mexican food, japanese food, indian food, etc. But I don't often get to try them.

Ask her sometime if you can plan and cook the entire meal, just to have something to be proud of.
I'll bet she's unhappy too, what with fighting with your dad and feeling suicidal.
I never was able to be 'friends' with my mother, but could sort of get along with her when she was in her 80s and getting helpless.
Maybe you can get (way before 80) some clue about what is making her unhappy. Maybe she will notice that you are too. Who knows what might happen.

Okay, that's fine.. although I am proud of something. Losing weight, not flunking out of school already. And my mom is not always like that. I've only seen or heard of her being like that two different times. Thanks for the advice. I think I have some idea about what's making her unhappy, it seems like she'd overspend less if she saw a counselor or just talked to someone about her problems.

If you get a chance to say how any of this goes, write back.
And I hope you spend more time here, helping others in your situation. Some things never change, but I'm from another planet now, at my age.

Okay, I am sure I'll try to. I will try to help people here that I actually have more knowledge with the problem(s) they have. You're right about the whole some things never change, stuff. And even being stuck in a bad environment or crappy situation, I can still try to be positive.

Wow what time zone are you in? I get up at 4 am. The west coast is just going to sleep.

I'm on the west coast. I AM tired but I don't want to sleep. I can't get comfortable very easily at the moment with the way that since I lost weight my legs are. Like upper thighs with a lot of extra weight or what seems kind of like it, and smaller lower legs. Plus my knees feel bony. I like to stay up late sometimes, like if I have trouble with bad dreams.. which I often do but usually just deal with in my own way.

I've dealt with left leg pain for 35+ years, so am very conscious of how I sit at my desk. Chair low because I'm short, so that feet are flat and thighs aren't pressed against the chair. I cut 3" off the desk to lower it, so that my arms rest on it without hunching up my shoulders (have all sorts of pain in my old age).
Dreams... me too... they usually disappear within about 10 seconds and I do my best to shake them off... do you ever feel like you are never truly rested?

Ah, yeah... I guess it gets bad once you get older doesn't it?
For me I usually don't feel like that. But sometimes my dreams freak me out. I'll just have nightmares while asleep or before I've even totally fallen asleep. And it'll be no more than 30 seconds then another nightmare and another. It's a bit weird I guess.

Now that I think back, I tossed and turned all through high school. I had insomnia and worried about everything. It seemed like I got no sleep, but then I would remember very vivid dreams. Only one was a nightmare and I had it a lot. It was the only one in black and white.

How do any of us get through high school, I don't know. I cried for hours in my room.
And I didn't have it half as bad as others in my class.

Ah, OK. I have trouble sleeping sometimes but usually its just I sleep fine but have nightmares but to me they're pretty normal. The worst part of high school for me has been how kids act towards me... haha.

How do kids act towards you?