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Originally Posted by loser1993

I have no idea. That's why I think the way I do because I don't see a way out. I hate my life and every time something good happens, bad things make it crap again.

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So you won't take any meds because you know you will abuse them.

You refuse to go into a hospital because they lock you up in little rooms.

You don't like your life but aren't willing to give anything else a try.

There's no way to convince you to rethink this.

Does that about cover it?

Ive given a lot a try, they first blamed everything on drugs, then they said I needed to go to counselling. Im at a trauma and addiction service at the moment. They don't have any other ideas other than hospital and I see that as a dead end. If there is something else I can try I will.

I do think I can understand your situation. You are depressed, not off the wall unable to take care of daily routines, or hearing voices telling you to kill someone or yourself. It's a kind of mental health limbo when your only option is a hospital, and not a place where you can go and be around other people like you. Where I live in the US, such places exist - there are two within 20 miles of me, and I live in a very rural area. They are 'clubhouses' for people with mental illness to share work, find housing and jobs, support each other, and do a lot to run the place. There are also numerous group therapy programs (not associated with the clubhouses, which by design have no connection to therapy programs).

Here are the two clubhouses in NZ:
(scroll all the way down to page 51)
http://www.iccd.org/images/2012_iccd_directory.pdf

I hope you are within driving distance of Aukland or St. Kilda Dunedin and can visit. You might even consider moving to one or the other. I assume that Aukland is a big enough city to have plenty of housing, even to share a place, and they can help with that. Maybe you live there already?