I am not going to pretend I know one detail of the reasons you are feeling the way you do, but I will tell you truthfully that I have been in the same exact place you are right now, although obviously for different reasons.

I can't even get through the "small chunks" I can't even get through a semester. And in my family it has hard to look at going to college as an achievement since they are all professional people who look down upon my average grades and my struggling. They don't understand why I can't just do it. Why I can't just get a 4.0 GPA and become a doctor, etc. etc.

And, don't feel bad about telling your sister. That is what family is for.

As I was typing that I thought, "Wait a minute, she asked for help from her parents and they said it would be a blemish on her record." Ok. We are not perfect as parents. None of us are. We are just like you, but with lines on our face and gray hairs popping up everywhere.

We have some years on you and some experience, but we make mistakes. Small ones, and giant big ones like this.

I understand that. But I don't understand what I can do to persuade my parents that I really do need help.

They'll just say I'm not studying hard enough which is why I'm struggling in college. That I'm not trying hard enough. :( I dont'know what to do.

A small chunk isn't a "semester", it's today!

Getting up in the morning. Giving yourself goals to accomplish. Accomplishing them to the best of your ability. Get back to bed. Sleep and repeat.

That is how small a chunk of time I am talking about. Looking so far into the future like "I am never going to be a doctor or lawyer like they want"... "they will not accept me for who I am, only what they want me to be"... it's all future stuff, chunks of time not worth wasting energy on.

Aside from cutting yourself in the past, have you ever thought about how you would ever harm yourself?

I can't even focus on today. :( I tried to do my web assignments but I just broke down crying and started researching on Google if I had any options and came across this website and decided to give it a try. Since then I have effectively wasted two hours of study time and am feeling so angry at myself. Yes, I have thought about ways to harm myself.

There is no short answer to "how can I convince my parents I need help" and "how am I ever going to live up to their expectations".

You may not be able to achieve either goal. But, it is quite possible as you grow and mature, they will eventually see you for who you are as a beautiful, individual spirit rather than as a reflection of themselves.

The bottom line is that it doesn't matter at this point. You are an adult, and while you still have to rely on them for things, you are in a transition period between adolescence and full independence. It is a journey, one that you will need friends to journey with.

Are there any family members AT ALL, nieces, nephews, distant cousins - anyone you can speak to about this?

I have none. My shyness and my fear of failure and my depression and low self-esteem and problems get in the way of making friends. I get in my way of making friends. I don't know how to conquer my fears.

None. All of them would phone right away and tell my parents.

Fear. That is a big one. I have been fighting fear my whole life.

You will eventually be able to make friends. Trust me. You will. I know it.

What do you like to do that calms you, makes you feel relaxed? Exercise? Going to a coffee shop? Seeing a movie? Bicycling?

I don't know.

Would you describe your feelings of fear and anxiety as being present in different degrees like a thermometer? From freezing all the way up to burning red hot?

Yes.

Using a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being "red hot", 10 being when you actually considered HOW to harm yourself, and 1 being able to go about your day, maybe even laugh or smile once and awhile - where would you rate your fear and anxiety at the beginning of your post here on the site and right now.

Two numbers. When you posted and right now.

9 and 7

Good. We're going in the right direction. :)

Now, can you think of times when you would describe it at "1", when you could generally go about your day, maybe the fear would pop up here or there, but didn't bother you much, you could smile, maybe even laugh once and awhile?

And, if so - what were you doing those days?

When I'm with people that don't know me that well like at school when we're all working together on a group assignment. Easy days at school since I get to see people even though I don't talk to anyone. Days with my family when they're not criticizing me or pressuring me. I'm not really sure how to answer this question since it's been awhile since I've felt that way.