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Originally Posted by seenbutnotheard

I enjoy analyzing myself trying to figure out why the hell I do and think the the things I do.

Nope I don't wanna see a physician, if I can't solve it myself I don't want drugs to do it for me. And no one one close to me has looked down on me or treated me badly, people everywhere else take advantage of me and treat me like .

Maybe it is my age or whatnot but I got a huge question facing me, I'm about to put a large sum of money into something I don't know if I can even do or will enjoy... going to college. I just don't know what to do with myself and I don't know how to find out what it is I will like to do, becuase I've never done much, I don't have the resources or money and
I live in the middle of nowhere.

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I'm not going to give you a real long answer.

I think you are a terrific writer. You think things through and express yourself very well. It's almost a "stream of consciousness" type of writing.

You don't have to see a physician or get drugged up to make your life more positive. That shouldn't be how it works. What you really need is an unbiased person who doesn't know you who will let you bounce things off him and say out loud all the stuff you posted here. Meeting/talking with someone like that for just a few sessions might help you reorder your priorities. It can even be done by phone. No drugs, no lifetime commitment, no fortune spent - just conversation (on a sliding scale?) that may lead to a different way of looking at things, especially with college looming. (I did the phone thing with a "life coach" who kick-started me into an amazing new life.)

Help is out there. I dare you to look for it.

I don't think you need any drugs either. Drugs change your way and flow of thought. - Why riun a good thing?

I would go absolutely nuts if my mind were at a stand-still. My doctor tried to put me on opium patch because I have cancer. That patch made me irritated, lethargic, and more.. so I told him to stick it on himself because I want my clear mind, flowing as I need it to, in order to communicate here and use my imagination for creating coloring books and playing with my grandson. My choice of pain over vegetating is my way of fighting the 'system' and the doctor just could not understand why I would be willing to go through it.

You too, have a choice and you will find others out there that will consider you a soul-mate so please don't distress yourself too much over your growth. As has been said, many of us go through similar instances in life and it can be uncomfortable at time, but you know that there are people out there who deliberately 'numb' themselves because they are scared of the discovery and acceptance. You just are not in that league but that does not mean that there is something wrong with you. We will always find people with 'blinders' in our lives - that's their choice and not your's. It does take all kinds (as they say) so you certainly belong. And you will find others that feel the same and will understand you too - you've got a lot to look forward to.


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I did them once a long time ago. It was natural so I figured it couldn't hurt. It didn't but it didn't do any good either,

So has anything ever helped? What kind of help would you feel good about?

I am tearing myself up over all this, maybe my coming here is a cry for attention or something like that. The way everyone treats me confuses me so bad, I am nice to everyone. Everyone comes to me to help them, but I get no respect. I have no idea what in the world is wrong. I can't figure out if it is me or them, it's eating me up inside. I'm so alone all I need is one friend, but obviously I am asking for way too much. The only people who will help are those that think they have to.

What do you mean you get no respect? Do you expect people to thank you for all you do? That won't happen, you know. The world doesn't work that way.

First, you need to be your own best friend. If you are not, if you aren't comfortable inside your own skin, people will notice that. Is that what's happening?

Hi Seen,

We don't think we have to help. We all want to and we all do care. You want one friend?
That is easy to find. You first be a very good friend to yourself. Only surround yourself,
That can hold your care and who you are, as precious as you hold them.

You will come across so many different people in your life. And they may have a million things on their mind and things to do in their lives, which makes you feel left out in the cold. I completely understand that.

Sometimes we have to sift through so many people, to find that one treasure of friendship. But never ever give up.

Be a good friend to yourself and stop tearing yourself up. I bet you ten to one, others, including myself, feel and have felt the very same way.

You give yourself a good well derserved hug and be a good friend to yourself. Then when you are able to do that... I bet you find a true friend.

One more thing every time I talk to someone about personal things they go tell everyone. It happens so many times I can't count. They even have the audacity to tell everyone while I'm standing there. I can't trust anyone.

You can trust people, but you have to be very careful who you trust. Your personal business is precious and don't you dare share anything with anyone unless you know in your heart they are worthy to know what you want to share.

Trusting everyone you come across is not a good idea, but I guarantee, if you become more selective, and weed out those who do not have your best interest, you will definitely find someone who you can truly trust. You may need to change the people you choose to be close to you.

Believe me, I used to trust the world and give one and all my heart, but after learning many hard lessons, I learned that my heart is a precious gift and becomes even more precious by handing it too fewer then many.

How do I love myself, how do I be a friend to myself. I don't understand this concept at all.

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Originally Posted by seenbutnotheard

How do I love myself, how do I be a friend to myself. I don't understand this concept at all.

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Be good to yourself. Be careful who you surround yourself with. Know that you are so worthy of true friendship and don't just accept less then you deserve in any situation.

Know and believe that you are good. That you have a good heart. That you will make an aweseome friend. Really believe these things.

Don't harm yourself inside by putting yourself down. Think and believe positive things about yourself.

Don't under estimate yourself... ever not never.

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Originally Posted by seenbutnotheard

How do I love myself, how do I be a friend to myself. I don't understand this concept at all.

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You know that better than we do at present.

One, is that you might be sharing too big a part of yourself with so called friends, and get a negative reaction, so what's next --- stop sharing too much. Friends that come to you for their own benefit and cannot respect you or find time to 'lend you an ear' and keep it to themselves are not real friends. You know it, we know it.. so avoid this in the future.

We all have our own ideals and ideas in life, but not all others can handle our same views on life because they are busy learning and establishing their own opinions. If this deviates from anyone else's some might not be able to cope at such young age.

You might want to practice patience with yourself and a little more reserve until you find others that are intellectually your equal, such as university, etc. Rushing things now and wanting to share too much with others right now might just wind up frustrating you more, so be kind to yourself and save some of that energy for a better time and audience that is more receptive.

Be calm and relax a little. Have you tried just one day without studying, playing music, doing what others expect from you? Take a 24 hour silent sebatical and just eat, sleep, watch TV or read a boring book, and see where it gets you. Your thoughts are so anxiety prone that you are not giving yourself a mental break.

Learning how to 'shut off' is very important for our own self-preservation and the sooner you start, the better. Think about it.

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One thing you can do:

I know from being a counselor that people don't want to be handed the answers to their questions and don't want to be given the perfect solution. Mostly what they want to do is vent and want to know that someone listened to them. I hate it when I come home from work and tell my husband about something that didn't go right or a frustration I have. He's the big problem-solver so always says, "Do this and everything will be okay." I really didn't want to know how to fix it; I just wanted to rant and rave and get it out of my system. I'll figure it out myself how to fix anything. I'm not stupid and helpless.

So when friends vent and rant, all they probably want is someone who hears what they say and is right there in spirit listening. "Oh, my!" and "That's horrible!" and "Tell me more" are active listening cues that will help them finally run to the end of their venting and feel better for having let it all out.

So many of my clients have told me, "I really don't need solutions, but it was so great to talk and know someone was listening." Maybe that's why psychotherapy is called the "talking cure".

As a result, you will like yourself better for being a good listener without butting into their lives with help and solutions, and they will like you better because you are such a good listener.

What am I going to do with myself? Wondergirl I'm not like those people, quit generalizing the subject. If I was talking to someone and they were saying "Oh, my!" and "That's horrible!" and "Tell me more", I would walk away, I expect a two way conversation not some stupid words to make me think that they are listening, even if they are I don't find these phrases to be very helpful. I do want the answers handed to me, because the attention from archiving something is more important to me than archiving it. I do not enjoy doing anything at all anymore. To be able to say I did something and be proud of it is the greatest thing I will ever feel. But I'm not proud of what I've done, I am ashamed of what I've done with my life. I hate it and I want everything to go away but what could I do.

I'm sorry I'm being so difficult. I just need someone to hold me for awhile and I'll be OK, but they have to do it out of pure love.

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Originally Posted by seenbutnotheard

What am I going to do with myself? Wondergirl I'm not like those people, quit generalizing the subject. If I was talking to someone and they were saying "Oh, my!" and "That's horrible!" and "Tell me more", I would walk away, I expect a two way conversation not some stupid words to make me think that they are listening, even if they are I don't find these phrases to be very helpful. I do want the answers handed to me, because the attention from archiving something is more important to me than archiving it. I do not enjoy doing anything at all anymore. To be able to say I did something and be proud of it is the greatest thing I will ever feel. But I'm not proud of what I've done, I am ashamed of what I've done with my life. I hate it and I want everything to go away but what could I do.

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If what I said makes no sense to you, perhaps it's time to find a real-life counselor to brainstorm with and to confide in and to knock around ideas with. We here can't hug you or support you the way you need to be supported.

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Originally Posted by seenbutnotheard

I'm sorry I'm being so difficult. I just need someone to hold me for awhile and I'll be ok, but they have to do it out of pure love.

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I'm not being flippant here, but why don't you go down to an animal shelter and adopt a dog that is due to be put down? Dogs give unconditional love (unlike most humans) and you can shout at them; b!tch and moan about the world or just sit and meditate and they still love you. My cat knows when I am having a really bad day and will crawl into my lap and just sit with me until I feel better.

I have a dog and I have a cat but neither make me feel better. My cat always goes away and my dog won't sit still for more than 30 seconds.

To be a little more clear, people who love me just because don't really make me happy. I would prefer to have someone love me for what I can do than who I am. It's kind of strange but that's what I feel like. The reason being I don't know who I am, so I must define myself by what I can do. So if someone loves me for what I can do then I can love myself because I can do that. Than I can find out who I am... maybe. It's backwards but I am backwards.

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Originally Posted by seenbutnotheard

I have a dog and I have a cat but neither make me feel better. My cat always goes away and my dog wont sit still for more than 30 seconds.

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I have a feeling it's because they sense the impatience that you have with yourself. Animals are very receptive to our inner emotions.

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