I love that song, it says it all, and Alty you cry honey, that is a good thing.:)

That's a great song. Thanks for seeing me in it. Your faith in me is helping more than you can ever know.

Wow what a day. I think the coffee I'm drinking is automatically being reused as tears. That's allot of tears folks, I'm up to my 4th cup of coffee.

Wow, thank you for sharing your story with us. You are a brave and amazing person indeed! I'm so glad you have a loving husband and good friends to talk to about this :) By the way, you sound like an awesome mom. :)

Alt--This was NOT your fault.

I know you know that, but I'm reaffirming it to you. You did NOTHING wrong. You did NOTHING to deserve being violated.

You're right that this is just a beginning--you're acknowledging that you're carrying a load. Now you need to work out (perhaps with a counselor?) how to carry that load, and how MUCH of that load you really need to carry. I'm betting it's like a little kid's backpack--there's a WHOLE bunch you're carryign that you don't need to, at all. Clean it out, lady.

Lots of hugs to you--you're an amazing woman, and you just remember that.

Thanks Mafia and Synnen - I have been thinking about counselling, I just don't know if I can tell this story to someone who is sitting right in front of me. I was able to tell all of you because I didn't have to look into your eyes when I did. I'm going to check into it though, I know it would be a step in the right direction.

I also know that I have to unload some of my baggage, this post was definitely the first step in doing that, it isn't the last though, I've still got a bit of hill left to climb. I honestly feel like I did allot of climbing today, the top of that hill is in sight now, before this I hadn't even reached the hill, much less began to climb.

Thank you all for your kind words, they give me strength.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

I'm overly protective of my kids, the only people I ever trusted to babysit were my mom and dad, they both died in 2001, they never got to meet my daughter.

We hardly every go out, when we do my friend babysits, he's the only one I trust with my kids, he would give his life for them.

I don't want my past to influence their lives, I don't want them to grow up scared, but I refuse to let them grow up abused. I have a hard time letting down my guard, I'm always afraid that there is someone around the corner waiting to attack and take away that innocence, there's no getting it back once it's been taken from you.

I know that everything I've gone through has made me who I am, I can live with that, I don't hate who I've become, but I can't help but wonder who I would be had my past been different. I don't ever want my kids to have to go through that, but I know all to well that it can happen, it's happening to someone's child as we speak. This thought keeps me up at night, watching over my kids, hoping and praying for their innocence and that it will be their choice when to give that up, no one elses.

It's a scary world, how do I let them live in it and keep my sanity at the same time?

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Hi Alty,

You are so brave to tell it to us all after all this time.
As others have said you are in inspiration to anyone who needs courage.
Wonderful woman that you have become.


I too worry about my daughter a lot, you are not alone in that.
I am very much aware of the dangers and the chance of abuse happening,like you I wonder how could anyone even think it of an innocent child.

I have read of many cases of abuse in my own community and others too.It makes me wonder like you what can I do to protect mine.

Like Startover said the one thing I can do is be open and listen to what she says all the time.There are no guarantees,but being more aware must be an asset rather than a drawback I think.

Maybe I am overprotective too,but having heard of so many cases of abuse happening within families makes me trust only a handful to babysit my child safely.

I hope you find the strength within that has made you who you are, and may it become stronger as you climb higher up the hill.

FB - Thank you. It has been a changing day. Allot of it has been spent crying, but it feels good to get it out.

I'm still shaking from having done this. Wow, I cannot believe that I posted this. I cannot believe I openend this wound and let it bleed out. I'm still not sure if this was a smart thing to do.

Got to get rid of the infection before you can start to heal, doll. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

I'm still shaking from having done this. Wow, I cannot believe that I posted this. I cannot believe I openend this wound and let it bleed out. I'm still not sure if this was a smart thing to do.

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Alty, it was the right thing to do. And you did it well. You know, we sometimes hold things in and it feels normal to go through day to day without getting upset, mad, angry, sad, frightened...
To me when I say something out loud it becomes more clear, more real than if I just hold it in my own thoughts, just by writing your post is a step, then continuing to comment is another, you see? This is good for you and the rest of us. Just by your post, someone can see that you have gone through something that they have too and you are still going strong and so can they.:) So you go with whatever emotion this brings out in you, maybe even a smile or two to be proud of yourself!

I know that this is a healing step, but it still feels so weird, I never intended to let this out, I don't know why I felt compelled to do it. I've been shaky all day. It helps that you are all here, it helps to hear that you're all still beside me. I hope it will get easier, I just don't know, this is 32 years of pain that I let out in a matter of minutes, maybe that's why I'm shaking, it didn't take long to write that post, I just let my emotions out on the page, it was almost to quick, it's scary. Am I making sense?

I can still smile and joke, you have all just let me be me. It does help to talk about it, there's still allot to say, but it's just all surreal to me, I can't believe that I did it.

I understand. :)
I bet there is a lot more to say and if and when you feel up to it, we will all still be here.
Everything is OK Alty, you just keep going and feel good about this post. 32 years of pain you said it all right there. Isn't it just time love?

Yes, it is time, long past due actually. I think it's hard because I've worked so hard to keep it in all this time, and today it just came pouring out. It's almost too much. It's weird, I'm feeling so many emotions right now, relief, fear, pain, scared, you name it, it's there, I didn't think it would be this hard, or this easy.

There are some things I will never disclose (at least I don't think so) I don't want those images in anyone's head, if I could get them out of mine I would. If I did get to that point I'd have to put a disclosure on this thread.

I'm taking it one minute at a time, one foot in front of the other, it's just still a bit new today, tomorrow will be better, I hope.

Thanks again to all of you, I wouldn't have gotten here without you, I'm glad I did it, and I'm not glad I did it, I'm everything today. Well, what did you expect, I'm a woman, we change our minds every minute.

I read this and I was wowed by your strength. You not only built a great life for yourself, you were also able to post this for so many to see and learn from.

I actually have my own incident that I don't think about much and only remembered after reading this. It's nowhere near as devastating as what you went through but it made me lose trust.

My dad was doing some computer work for an elderly couple as he had done several times in the past. This couple had become almost like grandparents to me as all of mine were gone before I was 5. One day, maybe I was 9 or 10, not sure, I was alone with the man in the living room and he started to put his hand down the back of my pants. He didn't get very far before I freaked and immediately went into the computer room and told my dad. Dad immediately said something to him but after that I was so scared of him. I haven't seen him in years but I know I'd still be uncomfortable if I saw him.

So more power to you, Altenweg, and hopefully your story will inspire other women to tell theirs. You will get through all of this. Things like this are difficult to tell, no matter how long it has been, but as everyone has been saying, it's the first step to healing. Good luck to you in that process and we are all here for you.

Thank you so much Blondie, I'm sorry to hear about your incident, thank God your Dad was there. I also know, from your other post, that Scott Gem is your Dad, you are very lucky to have such a kind caring father, always trust in him, he'd give his life for you.

I wish I could say that I wrote this to inspire others, it really wasn't that noble, I did it to find some peace within myself. Twenty, twenty hindsight, if it helps someone else or lets someone else realize that they aren't alone then I'll be glad, maybe the pain I'm still feeling will be worth it somehow.

Blondie - My kids are also without grandparents, mine both died in 2001, my husbands Dad died when he was 16, and his mother last March. My kids are 5 and 9. Just like your Dad would for you, I would die for my kids. I hope and pray that they can avoid anything like this. I would go through it all again, every day of my life if that would prevent it from touching my children's lives.

Thank you for your kind words, all of you, it really does help, I can't tell you how much.

Alt,

I agree with everyone else.
It had to take a lot to put this on here.
I believe that talking about it really is the only way to sort out feelings.

I too worry about my children.
Some people don't agree with me, but I flat out tell my children about the evil in this world.
I also instill in their brains that they have a voice and that their voice matters -
They exercises that right too lol;)

I hope that by you posting your story, a bit of weight was lifted off your shoulders.
From your posts, I can tell that you're a good mom and an extremely caring person.
You're strong and smart and I just know you'll figure this all out.
I'm glad you're not keeping it all bottled up anymore:)

Thank you AKAtrue - I do tell my kids about the bad things that can happen, not specifically, but in a way that their young minds can handle. I don't think that I'll ever be able to handle telling them what happened to me, not even when they are older, it would be to hard.

I'm glad it's out, I do feel like a weight has been lifted, at least slightly. I still have allot to deal with, that's what happens when you keep things in, but I think I've finally found the path that will help me get through this.

Thank you for your kind words, I'm an okay mom, goodness knows I make mistakes, just like everyone, no one is perfect. I just hope that my mistakes are minor and that, because of my experiences, I will be able to recognize the signs if anything is going on with my kids. My parents didn't, it wasn't their fault, and I didn't tell. If I had I know that my parents would have done anything in their power to not only stop my cousin, but get me the help that I needed, and still need.

I'm still a bit weepy, but I'm able to post now without crying, so that's a small step. Maybe it's because there aren't any tears left.

Good night everyone, thank you for all your support, I'm so grateful.

Talk to you all tomorrow.

Alty Out.

I feel the same way, I feel so ashamed of the abuse I got from a female family member, but the abuse I got from a male family member was okay to tell, of course not that okay but no huge shame as from a female.
No one I was able to tell about that female, she was young as well,

How the law handles kids abusing kids sexually?

A lot of women both on and off here have faced some scary times and I wish anyone who faced these things had the courage to talk about it like we have. Thanks for the greenie Startover but it was just the first thing I thought to do. I think my message to women who face "mild" incidents like mine and much more heinous ones like Altenweg's is tell someone right away or as soon as you remember, even if it is family or people considered to be family. It's never your fault, people like to take advantage of those more vulnerable.