Okay I'm going to call Tuesday

I keep on hearing my mom say that I'm ruining her and my dad. That I am destroying them. I feel like absolute . I want to just leave so I don't hear that anymore. I don't know what to do. Suicide is defiantly a reaquring thought. Help Please

Call now --

1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255

National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline

I'm not suicidal right now I feel it throughout the day and a lot at night or when I'm alone

Call now.

And cause more problems for my parents?

No, to help yourself. Why would there be problems for your parents?

Everything I seem to do to try to help myself causes my mom problems. I will call Wednesday if I am still feeling this way.

No. Call now.

OK

I didn't call but I think I should have. I am so tired of hearing my mom say that I am the reason why her and my dad are fighting and why she wants to leave him. Seriously that just proves everything would be better if I was gone. I've gotten back into purging yesterday I purged everything I ate. I have been purging 3-6 times a day since I started up again. I have cut almost everyday. If this is what I have to look forward to then I might as well give up now.

Your parents' problems have nothing to do with you. They would fight even if you didn't live there.

Now I'm disappointed. You told me you would call. How does that make me feel?

If I call I'm giving in , I'm becoming part of a pathetic generation, If I want to die there's nothing anyone can say to make me even question my thought. The only thing I would get help for is my eating I'm tired of feeling hungry and week Im tired of always thinking about food, weather I'm going to eat or not weather I can keep the food in or not, weather I've lost enough weight to even eat. I hate feeling like everything's my fault I'm tried of trying different things to push away my disgust I'm tried never getting the closure and acceptance I need. I can't keep standing up for myself.Im sorry for disappointing you, If there's one thing I hate about myself its how much I disappoint people I never meant to give you any reason to be disappointed in me. By me calling I'm letting someone else determine MY life, MY outcome, Dying, cutting and eating are all I have left that I have control of. Why would I give it up?

By calling, you are taking control of the demons that are running your life. What you used to be able to control is now out of control. You can't control your eating any longer. Those demons are winning. Don't let them.

And If I do call and I give up with my cutting and suicide and eating what do I have control over? Nothing, I have nothing once I stop

You have no control over those things now.

Make the call and then we will talk about what you can control.

And if I don't call?

I will cry.

Why?

Because my hands are tied. I am helpless. I have no control. I am not allowed to have off-line contact, so cannot do more than post here and encourage you to call.

Well I'm sorry for disappointing you. If it makes you feel any better I am calling my eating disorder support group specialist on Tuesday to hopefully go to treatment.

That will help me if you stay in touch and let me know what happens.

Okay will do but I don't think I will be able to go on internet while in treatment. So if I don't respond for a while you'll no I was in treatment.

I will be patient and wait to hear from you.

Tonight my mom told me to go die every fiber in my body wanted to. I asked god more times than I could count why he couldn't just take me. How am I even still alive, I wish more than anything in the world to just be dead. I give in, my mom wins I would rather be dead than hear her tell me how much she hates me and how much better everything would be if I was dead. I question God why did he even put me on the earth all I do is cause problems and live a miserable life. I am a waste of a life. They say God doesn't make mistakes but I am living proof.

Im not even worth saving

Help me eat leftover Halloween candy.