I just found out my wife is having an affair
My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 2 of them. We have no children together yet. Around 2 months ago we moved into a new apartment together. After around 3 weeks here she began to pull away from me. She started sleeping on the couch and wouldn't look me in the eye. After confronting her with knowing something was wrong several times, she expressed to me that she had been having an emotional affair for the last 6 months. To top it off, it is with a man she had a physical affair on me with around 7 years ago. At the time I was patient and waited for her when she left me for him. When I felt it was time to move on, I told her I was leaving and she came back. I told her she must never speak to him again and she agreed.
The last year of our relationship has been a difficult time. I have been very absorbed in my own problems and haven't been there for her as I should have. I understand some why she contacted him. They have been emailing back and forth daily since around 6 months ago, and now she's talking about moving multiple states away to be with him. He is a manipulative person and has given her lines such as fate and destiny, the same lines he's used on most of the woman he dated when I knew him. She seems in love with the romanticism and tells me she can't forgive me for not being there for her emotionally for the last year. However, she swings from this and comes to bed with me. She also sometimes discusses our future together, tells me she loves me and we still make love. Things will be well between us, then she'll get an email from him and tell me we'll never work and she isn't in love with me. I'm trying to be patient and supportive. I've been writing her poetry, emailing her love song links, sitting with her all night just talking and laughing. I'm trying to show her that I love her and will be destroyed if she leaves me. She's my world. But every time he emails her she gets very aggressive towards me just for being here. She's gone as far as to tell me that I'm interchangeable and that she's only still here because she doesn't want to leave state yet. She will then "make it up" to me in the morning by telling me she didn't mean it and making love to me. She tells me that I'm oppressive sometimes when I come over to her and ask her how she's doing when she's online, then criticizes me for not showing her attention and affection. The unpredictability is very tough.
What should I do? I've tried telling her to do whatever she needs to and I'll just be here loving her. Should I back off? Should I keep trying hard to show her why she loves me? I'm very hurt and confused and trying to make the best decisions I can. She refuses to stop talking to him, so I'm resigned to just waiting for her to realize her feelings for me and to stop on her own. I've even told her to take her time. That I love and support her and don't want to lose her. Is this the wrong response? She tells me that she's still here isn't she, and that should say something. I could use some help.