My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, and he is constantly accusing me of cheating while he is at work. He says he hears people talking when he calls me but there is nobody there with me, and says I have hickeys and bruises but I have not been with anyone. I don't know what to do anymore. I have cheated in the past but he will not let it go and still blames me for doing something wrong. He searches my body for marks and always says he sees marks on me. I'm starting to think something is seriously wrong with him and it makes me worrie.

Have you guys talked to a counselor at all about this? It sounds like he has trust issues since you have cheated on him in the past, and rightfully so, but he might need help to get past that. What voices does he hear when he talks to you on the phone? Do you have the TV on or anything?

I normally find that when one person is accusing the other of cheating it is usually that person who is doing the cheating. Bottom line is he knows that you've cheated in the past and he has to either let that go and start fresh or your relationship will never be a healthy one. Talk to him, tell him how you feel, and find out if he can live with the past or not. It is not fare to either of you to pretend that it didn't happen or for him to accuse you when you are not doing anything wrong. Good luck!:)

I don't think he will ever trust you and he sounds completely whacko to me. I think you should consider leaving him. I personally doubt that counseling will change his mind about you. (And in your next relationship, don't cheat.) Just my two cents. Good luck!

I wasn't suggesting that counseling would change his mind about her. I'm saying he does kind of sound like a "whacko" and it could benefit him.

Pardon, imangilier. No offense intended!

Counseling might help him, which would be a good thing, but I don't think joint counseling will benefit her in this case. In fact, it could make things a lot worse for her. In certain situations, joint counseling can be a bad idea, and my gut feeling is that this is one of them. I should have stated that.

I really should've have asked if "he" had had counseling rather than both of them. I can totally see what you're saying.

When to know when marriage is on its dead end?

(1.)When infidelity becomes a habit and
(2.) When the other one can't let the betrayal go.

... and yes I have to agree he is a whack.

I was cheated on in relationships in my past and it burrowed some really hard to get over trust issues in me. It's almost shameful to admit but even my boyfriend now has had to deal with that with me because it's such a fear inside of you once it happens. Once that trust is broken it is a very difficult mend - a very difficult mend. People, couples, marriages have survived this in the past though. If you two have tried everything and it's just not working then I would consider going to talk to a counseler, together. What harm can it actually do if you're both at your wits end?

How do you react to him when he accuses you? And then how does he react back to you? Have you cheated since you did in the past, and how far back in the past was it? Was that a one time incident? Are you being honest with him now?

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Originally Posted by Tralyn

If you two have tried everything and it's just not working then I would consider going to talk to a counseler, together. What harm can it actually do if you're both at your wits end?

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Tralyn's points about trust are all correct, BUT I don't agree that couples counseling is always harmless. In cases where both parties are sincere in their wish to be good to one another, it's great. But in cases where one person is trying to control the other at any cost--which sounds like the case here--then the open environment of mutual self revelation in joint counseling just gives that person more information with which to control their partner and more opportunities for hurting them.

Any thought she shares in counseling may be used against her. Since she has already admitted to infidelity, he feels he has the right to demand anything of her in return, including examining her body for hickies when he gets home from work. He's out of his box, and I wouldn't tell this guy where I shopped for shampoo, because he'd find a way to use it to make trouble.

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Originally Posted by asking

Tralyn's points about trust are all correct, BUT I don't agree that couples counseling is always harmless. In cases where both parties are sincere in their wish to be good to one another, it's great. But in cases where one person is trying to control the other at any cost--which sounds like the case here--then the open environment of mutual self revelation in joint counseling just gives that person more information with which to control their partner and more opportunities for hurting them.

Any thought she shares in counseling may be used against her. Since she has already admitted to infidelity, he feels he has the right to demand anything of her in return, including examining her body for hickies when he gets home from work. He's out of his box, and I wouldn't tell this guy where I shopped for shampoo, because he'd find a way to use it to make trouble.

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You have a very good point. He does not assume ownership or the right to violate you because you violated his trust. That is not how it's suppose to be. I'm still curious about my other questions though.

He is accusing you of cheating because he has not been able to fully trust you again. Betraying someone in this way is devastating. For every action there is a consequence and this is the consequence of that action you took when you cheated. I am not judging you at all so please don't get that impression. We all have made some mistakes in our lives. He has a deep insecurity about this.

Do you want him to trust you? And have you not cheated on him since then? If you want to try and earn his trust again then you have to prove to him in every way that you can be. If this relationship is not worth it to you then I feel it shouldn't continue because it is a very unhealthy relationship.

I agree with everyone else.
Often guys that are obsessed with jealous whether you cheated or not will accuse and imagine things just like someone who is paranoid. Since you cheated on him it triggered the mistrust in him. Accusing you of being at the store too long, where did all the extra mileage on the car come from, why are you looking so nice, claiming they hear voices to get your reaction.
Defending yourself against the accusations won't do a thing and may even feed into his accusing more. BUT you can leave your life an open book to him like You are welcome to go anywhere I go, you can look at my contacts on the phone, computer, etc. stop home for lunch unexpectedly. That works for some but it too can have drawbacks if they become too obsessed with tracking your every move.
He needs counseling. It may not hurt for you to get some too.

How long was it since you cheated? Did you confess or get busted? Was he a jealous person before the cheating happened? How long did the cheating last? Those are all factors to take into consideration to assess his behavior, which undoubtedly is not good for either of you.

It takes a VERY long time to get past betrayal but it needs to be a team effort for a successful healthy restoration of the relationship. It doesn't sound like the cheating aftermath was processed in a healthy way for both of you if he is behaving that way.

How do you react when he acts suspicious? If you get angry & defensive, then he is more likely to feel like 1) you are not understanding the full impact of the betrayal on him; & 2) he needs to act in the ways he is.

It sounds like you are seeing a lot of fear, anger, suspicions & worries being acted out by him. If instead of getting angry or defensive in return, acknowledging his feelings consistently may help to defuse those destructive feelings he's trying to handle as best he can. As mentioned, being open & accountable is good but that alone won't help things. Letting him know you understand why he is suspicious even though you are now being honest & faithful, that you are sorry you violated his trust before but you are committed to loving only him, tell him what you do love about him & that you regret your betrayal has had the effect on him that it has will be things that you will likely have to repeat for a while but that may help.

Showing him loving understanding, compassion, empathy & sadness over what happened is more likely to defuse the issues he's struggling than your anger / defensiveness will, even though it will be a slow process. Consistency will matter a lot. If you can call him at work, do that & let him know you are thinking of him only.

It is possible that the damage is just too much, but if the right steps are taken consistently by both of you, it is also possible that a good reconciliation could still take place. There are a lot of good resources to help with that. I'd be glad to recommend some if you are interested.

Well I hate to say it, but there is nothing wrong with him. You cheated on him in the past, and that will give a man a constant fear of taking the relationship further in case it could lead to being set up for a bigger fall. The best thing you can do is actually go along with whatever makes him feel safer for a while.
Note that this is a personal, uneducated suggestion.