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If you are married please ONLY be with your spouse. If you are not married PLEASE do not get together with people that are!! Anyone disagree? Anyone agree? Looks to me like there are way to many people taking the wrong route here. I am very disappointed!:(
I also want peace in the world and the abolition of all organized crime... but it ain't going to happen.
Is it silly to believe in SELF CONTROL??
That would be nice, but the human body is too beautiful
It's about choices...Quote:
Originally Posted by startover22
I say... you can fall in love with somebody else, have lusty feelings for somebody else... but what you do with it that is what it's about...
Being married means people made a choice at some point to be with that person.. for better and for worse... however, it feels to me that people give us "easily"
As for those who are involved in relationships with married people... also a choice.. in my opinion not a good one...
It's not silly to believe in self control...
I wish more people would do so :)
I pray for world peace... Oh, sorry that was my Miss America speech!!
Hun, we can wish all we want, but there is nothing that will obliterate cheating spouses!!
I have found that most of the people I know have cheated or been cheated on. I hate the fact that people want the best of both worlds. One is the stability of having someone solid in your life and yeah, maybe it gets a bit hum drum sometimes but solid. The other is the "lusty" desire of being wanted by someone new and exciting and the "rush" of sneaking around. There are so many people that cheat it doesn't even shock me anymore and that is just sad. Sad that people make commitments to one another and to their children and they make a stupid choice to fulfill a hole or a gap and betray the vows or commitments they have made. If the cheaters would just put the energy into themselves and their partners perhaps that hole could be filled.
My best friend was married for 10 years and for 10 years suspected that he husband was having an affair. He moved out after their daughter went to college and you betcha, ran striaght to the woman that he was indeed having an affair with. Gets better, after he left my best friend, the skanky ho he was cheating on his wife with didn't want much to do with him. Skanky ho started sleeping with yet another married (with kids) man. She gets pregnant, he leaves his wife to be with skanky ho. No this guy left skanky ho and she is moving away. Is this truly the reality we live with? Life is not a reality show or Desperate Houswives, these are real people with real feelings and I just don't know where anyone's morals and self restraint are anymore. :mad:
I wish more people put value on the vows we take when we get married. They aren't just words. I took my vows very seriously. It sickens me that there are people out there that see a wedding band as a challenge.
I agree with NowWhat and MomToFour. Thanks for the good input. I know I can't change the world. Come on, I just want to put the point out there that it is VERY WRONG. If you can try and help people make the right decision, then do it and get back to reality and real life. Good luck to all of you who don't use yourself control, it will come back to you... To the people out there that use yourself control and respect yourselves, more power to you!! Good job!
I don't believe for one minute that every one of us can change the world. Or can't impact the world. If we bury our heads in the sand and say there is nothing we can do - this is the way it is - then - yeah, the world stays the same.
I think where we, as society, fall short is we have forgotten how to respect each other.
Husbands and wives don't respect each other. Singles see the wedding band as a challenge - not something that should be respected. People view children as second class citizens and don't respect their rights as humans - "they can't vote so they don't count"
Where did it go wrong? What happened to values and morals? And what is so wrong with wanting to change your reality? Because the next guy says you can't so get over it?
I am sure this has little do with cheating and all - but I wanted to put it out there.
I agree with NowWhat. I'm doing my bit by instilling values in my kids that will hopefully translate into picking a mate that seems "even-keeled" (for lack of a better term) and to work through problems with communication and respect. Well I'll try anyway...
With that, I have a question. We, as parents, try to instill values and morals in our kids. We teach them the golden rule - treat others as you would be treated. All good things, right? Well - do we practice what we preach?
Do we Really treat others the way we want to be treated?
It has everything to do with cheating. I agree that we can make a small change in everything we do, then it wouldn't be so bad. If only you and I do this, then of course it will start to affect everyone we know, maybe just a little, maybe a lot. If a few more people could connect with your post, then maybe it won't just be a handful of people making good choices, it could turn out to be much more. I like that fact. Whether we are respectful to each other, that depends on every one of us. Thanks for the "light"...
For the most part, I think I practice what I teach, sometimes more than others. I am trying harder every day in my life to do just that. My trying will never end, as nobody is perfect.
I try to be the kind of person I know I should be. I don't commit crimes, I pay my taxes, I vote - all of that. When I am at the store, I try to be nice to the sales person and not just another person wanting to get their stuff and go. When I am driving, I try to be courteous of other drivers. I wave a the people who drive by. I try to be generally friendly to those I come in contact with. I am always there when needed.
I have also been on the receiving end of an affair. That is a pain that I never want to feel again and I don't wish on anyone. I do not understand how anyone can inflict such pain on another person. On one level though, I thought I deserved it. When I was young, I dated a married man. He told me he was at the tail end of a divorce and I believed him - but I should have known better.
I wish more people had enough compassion for other people when they do things. If you would consider what your actions could do to another person - the outcome might be different. But, to many people only think about number 1.
It's an interesting question you ask here... "where did it go wrong ?"Quote:
Originally Posted by NowWhat
I am European and moved to the USA where I now live with my husband... I do realise that I live in a city where life is probably even more hectic than elsewhere (Los Angeles) but I notice that -without generalising- this is a consumer society where materialism becomes way more important than real contact with other human beings.
Is this a result of the technology ?
With all the beauty of the technology... internet, cellphones... there also seems to be a loss in Real Communication... technology makes everything faster which is not necessarily better... are we spoiled for choice... children copy what they see from their parents and environment... values and morals are incredibly important and I do believe that we can change our reality... I truly do.
The reality of cheating has everything to do with values and morals.
Marriage is hard work... but sometimes when I look around me I wonder whether people spend more time selecting the perfect wedding than wondering what it is they want and need from marriage... Marriage does exist simply because there is a ring on a finger.. the wedding bouquet dries up fairly quickly and what is left is the reality... nothing is perfect, no marriage is perfect but it's a commitment that deserves making an effort, over and over again.. especially when children are involved.
Unfortunately I read so many postings here on relationships with married people..
And every story basically boils down to one thing: making the wrong decision.
There is no excuse for having an affair with a married person.
Morals and Values... right ?
I agree with you 100 % its completely true, I also believe that there will be less problems in marriages.
This brings up another point somewhat related to the initial posting. Morals and values start at home and should be consistent. I am so tired of watching this sliding scale. When I was a kid (I know, very cliche) and I wanted something my parents made me work for it, actually earn it. You know what I am talking about? Do you remember when you received your first expensive bike and you cherished it and took care of it? I do and I am so disgusted with these kids today (I am generalizing here and I know that not ALL kids are like this). They have cell phones, IPods, Laptop computers (at age 12?), manicures, pedicures and most of the children that I know today do NOT earn these things, they are given to them.Quote:
Originally Posted by gypsy456
If they break it, lose it or otherwise, don't worry, momma/daddy will just buy you a new one. It all goes back to morals and values and teaching children a work ethic and keeping an eye on them. I know 12 year olds that sneak out of the house to have sex with boys! Where are the parents? When the parents do find out they get a slap on the hand and none of the items above are taken away. I know that society has changed but why are we raising self centered children who get everything that they want. I Know that this is rambling but it just infuriates me that we are teaching our children to be self centered and that we are a disposable society!!
I don't think most young people see marriage as "forever". They see it as "for now". It's everywhere... married, divorced, married, divorced... people drop in and out of marriage like they are taking a dip in the pool. I was cheated on in my first marriage. I tried to work it out through marriage counseling because I didn't want to be a divorcée... but it couldn't be done. I have since remarried, and have a wonderful husband. The most wonderful thing about him is he feels as strongly about our commitment as I do, and I don't feel that bond will break. Not everyone finds that... look at hollywood... yes, I realize these aren't everyday people and they are constantly watched, but they get married and divorced repeatedly and young people model themselves after this behavior. It's like marriage has been made casual.
I know why startover began this post... I am not excusing single women who screw married men, but in my own relationship, I blamed my husband for cheating and lying. I already knew the girl he was sleeping with, and she was a whore. I laughed my a** off when she gave him a well deserved STD. Of course these women should find a man of their own, but I think it's a high for them to have sex with someone else's husband. I think they often enjoy hurting the wife, even if they don't know her. It's a very deep way to cut someone without ever having to touch them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by momtofour
Wise words...
As for the children today with all their gadgets... we can't blame them, they are the product of what their parents give/do to them.
I lived in Africa where I have learned more in 3 years than I could have learned in a life time in a Western society... People have nothing, yet... children are playing, they make their own toys, they are being creative. Thank God that the children in the Western society do not have to struggle like many of those children, but it does make me realise.. in this society people are spoiled for choice...
Being possessed by your possessions is not a good thing...
Quote:
Originally Posted by vlee
I don't think - and it is not your intention, I can see that- that women who have affairs with married men can be generalised.
It's sad that they end up doing so, because deep down they know that it's not OK.
It's a selfish act by taking away somebody who is not committed to you.
It's an easy way out of a relationship for a man... of course: the excitement of a new woman must be a high for the man... rather than coming home and finding a wife who has been working all day, dealing with kids, putting the garbage outside...
I have very little respect for a man or a woman who cheats... marriage is a commitment and not an easy one.
I feel incredibly sorry for the people who have affairs with people who are committed because how good is your self-esteem if you fall for someone who is not completely with you... I would definitely like to think that I deserve the best and not somebody who can only be with me for a couple of hours.. how sad is it to lead a borrowed, stolen life...
Marriage is not perfect, let's be realistic.
I once met an older couple at an airport who were still loving and caring towards each other after 55 years of marriage.. I was still single at the time and asked them for their secret... She said: not one day in my life I have not wondered what it would be like to live without him... and that made me realise every day -even when I was upset with him- how lucky we are to have met, that we have true love and that it's worth fighting for.
Good luck to all of you !
Yes stαrt over I AGREE:-) αdulterers αnd their sex toyys should be severely punished sαme with child molesters (ugh αnother story-- but god I hαte those people just αs much PLUS MORE- α child is HELPLESS- I REALLY HOPE THERE IS NO ONE ON THIS WEBSITE THAT IS ONE)
You know, I get so angry reading post that start "I'm in love with a married man". It drives me nuts. I try to be non-judgemental. I do! But, I think I just crossed the judgemental line on a post. Most of you have seen it and will read soon enough. I get so frustrated with these people. They have no idea what they are doing. What they are doing to another person. They know that someone is married and DON'T CARE!
But - I think I channeled what I wanted to say to the woman that tried to push her way into my marriage. (I know it isn't all on one person)
AARGH!
Mindless whores
Wow, those are some big words saraispiel19. I honstly think you all know where I am coming from. I started this post because I was so frustrated with MsMe. I really wanted to help her out and give good advise. That is all gone cause she won't listen. So remember these are the type of people we need to protect ourselves from. They have no remorse for anything they do. Good luck to any of you who might be put in this position. I hope I never even get close. Sheesh, I found a girls number in my husbands pocket, and all of a sudden I was to put it simle... CRUSHED. I don't know what I would do if he cheated, I guess I would leave and let him wallow in his guilt. Guilt can kill you, you know?? Thanks for your insight guys!
Lol yeαp big word for big dirty people..
Yeα guilt cαn kill yα.. people hαve killed themselves-- no wαy of solving it though.. unless your α child molesters then you should die in α hole αnd be left to rot
I wish it was that easy. Maybe for some it is easy to be faithful despite anything that may be missing in a marriage.
For me it was not.
I was completely ignored physically, emotionally, sexually... I am human and I went looking for these things somewhere else.
I regret hurting him.
But... I cannot go back in time.
I have needs.
That is why I did it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kornm02
Nobody said it was easy.
Remember the day you got married... did you hear yourself repeat the words ?
For better and for worse.
I was so young when I got married that when I said those words, I don't think I truly understood them, I did follow them. There has been a lot of WORSE but it was all for the BETTER!!
Amazing how you try to be non-judgemental, yet judge the first person that tries to give you the other side's point of view.
I, too, cheated on my husband once. It was the only time in my LIFE I ever cheated. You know why I did it? I did it because for all my husband cared, I wasn't there. I cooked, cleaned, held down a job, paid my share of the bills, dressed sexily for bed, I did everything I was supposed to do to get even SOME of his attention. It didn't work.
So when someone started paying attention to me, complimenting me on the food I cooked, or the way I looked, or NOTICED that I'd cut 2 feet of hair off... it was heady. It was like nothing I'd ever known. Did I know it was wrong? Sure, I did. Did I care at that point? Nope. I felt so degraded, so used, so taken for granted, so lost, and so alone, that I couldn't give a flying duck what my husband thought at that point. Did I still love him? Absolutely. I would have done anything to make him happy, but the point was that he was barely acknowledging my existence.
Me having an affair was the wakeup call we BOTH needed. Me, to realize how I *should* be treated, and him to realize that he wasn't the only person in the world who wanted me.
Did we work together on our relationship from there? Yup. And it's stronger than ever. Did it take a long time for us both to be able to trust? Absolutely.
But... don't go judging the "other woman" or the "cheater" until you have walked in their shoes. Your moral judgements are NOTHING compared to the self-recriminations I went through.
Maybe, just maybe, the person that cheated on you was going through the same sorts of emotions I was. Were you ignoring them? Forgetting about sex? Never going out together anymore? Too tired for anything? Maybe your anger is part guilt for knowing that something you could have done might have prevented the cheating?
I hate to preach about something that actually is wrong. People shouldn't cheat. I shouldn't have cheated.
But guess what? People shouldn't put their jobs/friends/addictions/family/whatever before their partners, either. Everyone has needs, and the need to feel loved is a HUGE one. If you think that that's not the motivation behind half of the cheating out there, then you should pull your head out of the dark hole where you've stuffed it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
You are right... you should not preach for something that is wrong.
Jobs / friends... those are different things.
Getting married is a huge thing.
Many times there are children involved who did not ask to end up in these situations.
There are other ways to get attention. You could have told him you were going to leave him if he didn't shape up. Maybe that could have been your wake up call? I am glady you and your husband worked it all out though. That is a good ending.
Startover.. I agree.
Um... did it occur to you that I DID?
I left him, for a week, with no contact. He hardly noticed.
Unfortunately, I was young, poor, and legally bound to that apartment. I had no money, no family close by (read that as "My family was 1200 miles away"), and very few friends, and certainly no friends that could afford to house me. I had no degree, and was lucky to have the job I had.
I tried talking to him, I tried yelling at him, I tried crying, leaving and being perfect.
It was not until I cheated on him that he finally woke up.
Yes, I could have done things differently - BUT SO COULD HE!
And before you ask... yes, I've been cheated on. I know how much THAT hurts too. But I've also now put enough years between me and then that I realize I could have done things differently, could have prevented the cheating. That still might not have saved the relationship, but I will admit that I was everything that no one wants in a partner at the time--self-centered, nagging, with no self-esteem so that I didn't trust him. I made the mistake of making him my world and was angry and cold when he wouldn't do the same for me.
So yes... I HAVE seen both sides of the fence.
I guess I just try not to judge people for being human. I mean... a chronic cheater is one thing, but someone who does it ONCE is something completely different.
For Pete's sake... didn't you ever read "Bridges of Madison County"?
Look, I was cheated on. I know the pain that is inflicted. I will never apoligize for my views on cheating. I know, first hand, the effects. And I can tell you, I did NOTHING to deserve the treatment I got. I cooked, cleaned, gave sex on demand, looked pretty, always there to listen - yet my husband cheated. IT ALMOST KILLED ME! And I mean that literally.
I try not to judge - but give the "wife's" prospective - maybe to wake up that person that is sleeping with another woman's husband.
Great that it worked out for you... but we are also thinking- and I think that most of us are mainly thinking about the fact that many times there are children involved.
In your case things may have been different, who knows.
I am happy for you that you managed to save your marriage, that must have been hard work and good that you did it...
But you know just as good as we do that there are often children involved...
And they don't have a choice...
My daughter, who is 6, has asked me in the past - "Mommy, has Daddy ever cheated on you?" or "Mommy, what would you do if Daddy cheated on you?" She is 6 and I have NO IDEA where she gets this stuff. But, How do I answer that? I know what I would do - I have done it. I am still with her Daddy - but, I can't tell her that her dad did cheat and this is what I did. I think it would hurt her so much. And it is really not her business. Maybe someday when she is older and possible (hopefully not) going through something like I did and if it can HELP her then I may share.
I know what I would tell a girlfriend if she told me her husband is cheating and it is totally opposite of what I did.
But, when your daughter is asking the question and won't let it go - it was heart breaking!
[
I guess I just try not to judge people for being human. I mean... a chronic cheater is one thing, but someone who does it ONCE is something completely different.
For Pete's sake... didn't you ever read "Bridges of Madison County"?[/QUOTE]
Yes it was the best book ever. I just want you to see that usually when you aren't being judged, it is by someone who has done the same terrible thing you did. Yes I said TERRIBLE! I guess I have learned something here, definitely don't judge a book by it's cover. Read the story first. I have read yours and think it is full of excuses. Sorry.
Frαnkly I don't think there will ever be α reαsonαble excuse for cheαting..
I didn't say what I did was right.
I said that what I did was human.
Believe what you like. I've made peace with myself over it, so your opinion of me doesn't bother me a tinker's dam.
I was just angry that you lambasted someone else for posting their reasons for cheating. I hope that you are never ever in the situation where you feel the need to turn to someone else to feel worth something, because you apparently will either be miserable forever, or will never forgive yourself, which amounts to the same thing.
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