I have this fear in the back of my mind that if I step out on faith and leave my abusive husband of ten years, that I will be alone forever. I have been with this man since I was sixteen years old, I am twenty eight now. That is a long time. Of course I would not want to jump in to a relationship with a man right away, but I know someday I will want to. What if nobody wants to be with me, and I have to just sit back and watch him move on? I know that this sounds ridiculous, but it is really how I feel. I think that all the years of verbal abuse and physical abuse have really impacted myself esteem. Sometimes, I just wonder what the heck is wrong with me... I mean, I am not unattractive by any means. I know that.. The point is, what if there is no one out there who would be interested in me? I have friends who are just average looking, who get hit on all the time. No one ever approaches me... (although I have been told I look mean... lol) What do you guys think?

I will answer this with a question.

What is worse being alone and missing having the positive benefits of a loving relationship.
Or
Being alone in an abusive relationship and missing having the positive benefits of a loving relationship.


Only you can really answer this. But instead of thinking what if I don't meet someone else. Take the view that you will never meet anyone else. In that case if you still feel that being on your own for the rest of your life is better than your present curcumstances ! Then you need to leave your present curcumstances.

(by doing it this way, you are leaving with the right frame of mind and the confidence to be on your own).

We are born alone and we die alone. There is no guarantee of having someone in your life between. Plan for the best case but prepare for the worst case.

Probably not what you want to hear, but leaving someone in the hope that you will meet another leads for you to forget the abusive past and see the ex with rose colured glasses and going back with them and into an even worse situation, just because you did not meet another.

Get out straight away...
I was in that position and I was a guy who was with a girl for four years she constantly argued and through stuff at me harassed me but I kept around caUSE I LIKED THE ACTION AND HAD FUN WITH MY MATES. She left me for another guy and I was devastated was so upset telling myself I will neve find anyone else my life is doomed. Well 6 months later I found a girl who was too good to be true. She was trustworthy and caring and thoughtful. I couldn't believe what I had been stuck in for four years. Not saying you will find someone but I would definitely give it a go cause you will. Don't just jump straight in to the first guy you will meet a few check out their character and how they treat you any abusive sighn toss them to the curb. You won't believe how good it can feel to be in love with someone who has your interests with them Amazing...

I can't tell you to leave it will be a hard decision but its better to be alomne than in an abusive relationship cause in another years it will only get worse and let be tell you abusive guys are normally cheating as well. GETOUT NOW

You are correct, that it is a long time. I am sure that the abuse of whatever kind has affected your self-esteem. Anyone who abuses someone who loves them is going to leave an impact on that person. Obviously, you are very thoughtful and reflective because of the way that you have worded your post. I am glad that you are reaching out.

Already you are doubting yourself that because you are thinking what is wrong with you. I am sure that nothing is wrong with you. You and this person just may not have been meant to be with each other. I mean, look at how young you were when you became committed to each other. Yet, you still had not had the opportunities to carve out your niche in life as far as who you are as single persons do, normally at about age 18 to 24.

You do not have to sit back and do nothing. Others will notice this post and give you good advice.

You are still young, and as you say, "not unattractive by any means." If I were you, I'd work on the fact that you have been told that you look "mean." Maybe you do because of the abuse that you have suffered. Hard to hide that from friends. One of first impressions that people have of you is how you look, not necessarily by what you wear or how your make-up or hair is, but how you look on your face. One way to show who you are, no matter what you are wearing, make-up or clothes, is to simply shine a smile.

Please remember that "the best mirror is a friend's eye." Can't hide things from friends who really care about and love you. Listen to them and work on the person that you want to be.

I think that it is time for you to take a stand and be the person that you want to be.

There are many fish in the sea. There will be others, with the same interests as you, who will want to share of themselves and be together with a person such as you. But, the choice is yours as to reaching out and seeking out those who are like yourself. A basic law of physics is that water seeks its own level. It is very much the same with people.

Believe it or not you are still young enough to leave this bozo, and heal from his abuse, and see how rich life can be. Don't worry about finding some one, because healthy, happy positive people attract a lot of attention.

The fears you are expressing are they years of your husband talking. He has told you over and over that you are not worthy. Not good enough. And somewhere inside of you - you have started to believe that.
You may not get hit on because you wear a wedding ring. Not because you aren't pretty.
There is someone out there for you. Someone that is going to make you feel like every woman should.
But, before that can happen - you have to learn to love YOURSELF again.
I have had this conversation with a friend of mine. And I will tell you what I told her.

YOU CAN DO THIS! You are smart, funny and beautiful. You are going to be JUST FINE! Believe in yourself. Never let the words of that man come in your head again. YOU CAN AND WILL DO THIS! You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel good. You deserve to look in the mirror and LIKE what you see.

Now that everyone knows my situation, I would also like to ask opinions on something else. My parents and siblings are well aware of my situation. When my husband would hurt me, I would go to my parents, bleeding , and they would bandage me or whatever. I would stay with them for a few days. During that time, I mentioned to my mother that I needed to press charges against my husband for hurting me. Her response was "two wrongs don't make a right." Every time I would have to come stay with them, they would tell me I needed to go back home. I had a good life growing up, I don't understand how on Earth they could feel this way. My sisters and my parents go on and on about how lucky I am to have him, and how good he is to me, and how hard he works. All of this greatly adds to my confusion!! If I try to leave my husband, my mother quits talking to me-then I start doubting myself. I do not doubt that my mother loves me, but this just makes no sense. Also, the last time I tried to leave him, he said he was going to kill himself. He disappeared for three days, saying that he was going to commit suicide. He ended up in a mental hospital for a month. My parents felt sorry for him-and told me that they were praying for my husband and I to be reunited. I went home. Ever since then, I have just given up. Thanks to all who answered my other posts, I hope I am not getting on anyone's nerves, but I really need help with this whole family issue.

I am a Christian and do not endorse divorce having gone through it as a kid. When people get bored or unhappy then they need to work it out, marriage takes commitment.

Now, if he is hitting you, get out.

He may be sorry, suicidal, and beloved by your family - but that isn't relevant. Sometimes to forgive someone you have to remember. When you forgive someone you don't have to allow them the opportunity to hurt you again.

Proverbs 26:11 "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." When he returns to his vomit you don't have to be there.

God Bless

Does he make a lot of money and are you better off than your parents were at your age? I haven't read the other posts but it sounds like they like him because of what he can provide rather than how he acts, which is idiotic.

Leave him, if your parents are so shallow that they like him for how much money he has then he will pass quickly from memory once he's gone and they'll be interested in something new, they may even start to see how he treated you.

Teachermama,

I know you are hurting BAD. Real BAD. But there is hope.

No one should be bitten, and your mother is not helping you with her trite expressions regarding your abuse.

So, you have to be REALLY REALLY strong and know that yes, it's you and your kids against the world. Call a lawyer. Talk to your friends.

See if you can start a new life safely without him in it... I think it will require a restraining order.

Is there something missing from your story?
why would your mother stop talking to her daughter for being abused and defending herself?
Does she drunk and partially to blame? I don't get it.

You can do it, but consider all parts to this story and fill in the details... if you are living in hell, there is NO reason to keep a child there... it is a better life OUT of the house... 2 parents don't always equal a better life...


hang in there and tell more so I/we can help...

I have read all your post now and all I can say to you is please get out. This man has no respect for you and I fear for your safety. Biting someone isn't even as spontaneous as slapping someone's face so it will not be a one off! Also, he has obviously affected your confidence hugely, this is abuse too! Your families reaction shocks me, but it isn't something I haven't heard before. What they are doing is abuse too, even if they don't realise what they are doing is so wrong.
You say leaving will hurt your children but I think staying will hurt them more. If they see him talk to you this way they will think this is OK. If they see your family not supporting you they may think you will never support them. Seeing you unhappy will affect them more than you realise. And what if he hurts them, or treats them this way? Could you live with that risk?
Please get help. Find a friend or family member who does understand and take your kids with you. His lies about him getting them because he earnsd more are wrong. A mother will always be favoured and he will only gain access to them if he can prove you can't look after them and Im sure you can. If it means leaving college, discuss taking time out with a lecturer, put your kids into school for a little while if you have to but find a way to support yourself without him.

It is sad that your parents would condone you getting beat up. You have to do what's right for you and not what's right for them. You need to get out of the relatioship before you get hurt even worse... or end up being killed. This is not a good, loving man. I don't know what your parents even see in him.. they should want the best for you... GET OUT HUN before it becomes to late.

You get hurt and bleeding you don't call the police within a hour of it happening and days latter ask if you should call the police.

And you keep going back and back and back. You let his lies control you, though threats and guilt.

You need to walk away and not come back, go to a shelter if your parents will not help be supportiave.

Get out and document every attack with a police report. Your family means well but have no clue of what's really going on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by teachermama3

Now that everyone knows my situation, I would also like to ask opinions on something else. My parents and siblings are well aware of my situation. When my husband would hurt me, I would go to my parents, bleeding , and they would bandage me or whatever. I would stay with them for a few days. During that time, I mentioned to my mother that I needed to press charges against my husband for hurting me. Her response was "two wrongs don't make a right." Every time I would have to come stay with them, they would tell me I needed to go back home. I had a good life growing up, I don't understand how on Earth they could feel this way. My sisters and my parents go on and on about how lucky I am to have him, and how good he is to me, and how hard he works. All of this greatly adds to my confusion!!!!!! If I try to leave my husband, my mother quits talking to me-then I start doubting myself. I do not doubt that my mother loves me, but this just makes no sense. Also, the last time I tried to leave him, he said he was going to kill himself. He disappeared for three days, saying that he was going to commit suicide. He ended up in a mental hospital for a month. My parents felt sorry for him-and told me that they were praying for my husband and I to be reunited. I went home. Ever since then, I have just given up. Thanks to all who answered my other posts, I hope I am not getting on anyone's nerves, but I really need help with this whole family issue.

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Hi there.
First thing you need to think about is making you happy at the end of the day the one person that is always going to be there and that you can trust is yourself.
Do you want to leave him? Do you communicate well with each other in talking and not just about what you did that day but finding out each others pasts?
Does your husband come from a bad childhood and upbringing?
I know that whatever problems people have it don't give any reason for them to hurt others.
This is your life and you have one shot at it be more positive in yourself.
Have you tried marriage councling or getting your husband to go to councling?
I think sometimes when people have gone though certain things that's the only way they see them to be.

My husband and I have tried counselling, he doesn't seem interested in sticking with anything and getting any help. He does come from a bad upbringing. His dad was abusive to his mother. I don't want my son to grow up and repeat this same cycle. I am so torn trying to decide what is best for my children.

Hey teachermama,
I've read all your posts. I am so sorry that your family is not as supportive as they should be. I cannot understand when your husband's welfare and happiness became more important to them than you and your children's health and happiness. It will be very hard to do deal with all this without your family's backing but you must find the strength for yourself and your children. (Yes, as everyone said in your older thread, leaving is the best for your children.)

Everyone here is giving you the right advice and I agree, you should leave before you end up losing your life.

I hope you find the courage you need to face this hard time in your life. Seek help wherever you can get it. Cover yourself legally and financially. Make sure you can support yourself and your children. Look up women's shelters around your area where you and your children can stay if you need to.
I wish you all the best. :) :)

I read this post in shock. Utter SHOCK! I can not imagine calling my mother (or any member of my family) and telling her that my husband hit me and her saying stick it out.
They would be on the next plane out here and kill him (or hurt him)

I stick by my other posts - you need to leave him. For your benefit and your children's. I think you know in your heart that this situation is not going to get better and you know what you NEED to do. At this point, you need to listen to that little voice inside your head. If your parents and family think that your husband is such a great guy, let them come and live with him and get beat on.
I am so sorry that you are not getting support from the ones who should be supporting you the most. I hope you can take courage from us. You may not know us, but we care what is happening to you. And we support you and are praying for you.
Sister, you DESERVE BETTER.

If he can't help himself in getting things sorted how can things change. And sounds like you have tried everyway to make things work out but there's only so much trying you can do. Make you and your children happy and think of you.

To respond to NowWhat's post- you don't know how much it kills me to know that my family feels the way they do. In my heart, I wanted my parents to jump to my defense. When they didn't, I felt worthless and unimportant. My mother and father are Christians, and so am I. According to my mother, you must forgive someone no matter what they do. This was her reasoning when she bandaged me up and sent me right back into hell. There have been so many nights that I slept with my car keys under my pillow, in case I had to grab the keys and flee in the middle of the night. There have been countless times when I was afraid to leave my food and drink unattended for fear that he would poison me. My mother and father have known for years- yet they look the other way. I didn't realize until now how much this has hurt me. For the fact that you said that everyone was supporting me and praying for me, you can not begin to imagine how much that means to me.

Hi I Know How Hard It Is But U Need 2 Take Care Of Yourself Screw The Man. There Always Someone Out There Better 4 U Better Him Than U Stop Letting Him Hurt U Is Going 2 Come A Point That He Really Mite Kill U Let Him Go U Don't Need Him Do U Have Any Kids If U Do They Don't Need to be Seeing That U Know Please Help Yourself And Let Him Be.

Again, I am sorry that your parents are treating you this way. It angers me that they are using their christianity like this. My family are christians also, my mother sings in the choir, my father is one of the ushers. My sister teaches Sunday School. But, let me tell you, they would kill my husband if he was doing to me what your husband is doing to you.
From now on, don't go to them - go to a shelter. There you will get the support that you need.

I guess that your family doesn't realize that they are re-enforcing what your husband is telling you.
Let me tell you something - YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOT UNIMPORTANT.
YOU CAN MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN. You have brought children into this world. You can do anything. Do NOT let anyone tell you that you can not do something. Do not believe that it is God's Will for you to be beaten down.
Do not believe that He wants you to be in constant pain - He LOVES YOU and he is by your side - you have to take the step - He will be there.
Do Not Buy into all of this BS - you are a better, stronger person than the one that is abusing you.

Ok, time for a slightly controversial, but hopefully thought provoking and ultimately helpful take on this:

When someone SAYS they are Christian (your parents), that does not make them a Christian.

That is like me saying... I am an Astronaut.
It seems great, and I know a lot about it, but at the end of the day it's just words: I've never been to the moon!
May not presently... (HANG ON HERE)... Christians. They go to church.
They may believe in a resurrection.
But does that make them Christians? To my mind - No. [/U]

It seems that your parents are being a little intellectually lazy and fixating on one part of Christianity (Forgiveness) at the expense of all others. I am not going to turn this into a religious forum, but granting forgiveness is something we do for a cause.
Suffering is something we do for a cause. Your marriage does not benefit mankind (or YOU) if it is inherently flawed.
it is hard to justify it as a cause, if no one benefits.

Yes, marriage vows are sancrosanct, but they are human vows - and to err is human. And I would argue that to forgive YOU for aking that error is divine. It is not un-christian to love him the best you can - and protect yourself. And yes, leave if necessary. You are human. Not a deity. You are flesh and blood. Protect yourself.

Your life sounds like a 4-star disaster. Your parents are of no help right now, and if I had to guess, they are not exactly great role models. What you are describing must end.. NOW.
Life is short and yours is getting shorter. You are with the wrong man.

It is tragic that he has mental problems - but you cannot make him into what he is not - but he can make you into what you are not... and he is succeeding. Be a hero. Fight. Even if it's on your own.

A just God would not punish you for standing up for yourself and doing the tough things so your soul can thrive and you can show others the way to survive as well....THAT is being a Christian.

No one ever said life was easy. But doing what's right is often what makes it livable and fulfilling in the end.

God speed.



(Note: I have no denominational stake in this posting.)

Just a couple of words... GET OUT!
Don't put yourself, kids etc at risk. Take care of yourself.
YOUR FAMILY DONT ALWAYS KNOW WHATS RIGHT FOR YOU

U Know What I'm Sorry 2 Say This. But Who Cares What Ur Parents Want. U Need 2 Save Yourself And If It Means That Ur Parent Won't Talk 2 U Then Be Ii.they Will Talk 2 U In Some Point. Hey He's Hurting U. U Don't Need to be There Get Out While U Have Time.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by teachermama3

Now that everyone knows my situation, I would also like to ask opinions on something else. My parents and siblings are well aware of my situation. When my husband would hurt me, I would go to my parents, bleeding , and they would bandage me or whatever. I would stay with them for a few days. During that time, I mentioned to my mother that I needed to press charges against my husband for hurting me. Her response was "two wrongs don't make a right." Every time I would have to come stay with them, they would tell me I needed to go back home. I had a good life growing up, I don't understand how on Earth they could feel this way. My sisters and my parents go on and on about how lucky I am to have him, and how good he is to me, and how hard he works. All of this greatly adds to my confusion!!!!!! If I try to leave my husband, my mother quits talking to me-then I start doubting myself. I do not doubt that my mother loves me, but this just makes no sense. Also, the last time I tried to leave him, he said he was going to kill himself. He disappeared for three days, saying that he was going to commit suicide. He ended up in a mental hospital for a month. My parents felt sorry for him-and told me that they were praying for my husband and I to be reunited. I went home. Ever since then, I have just given up. Thanks to all who answered my other posts, I hope I am not getting on anyone's nerves, but I really need help with this whole family issue.

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U don't need to be with this guy no matter what ur parents say. So if they go 2 church i go 2 church and i still protect my kids they are my priority. And my everything.ur parent need 2 support what u need in life.if ur were my fri3nd u would be here in my home right now so please decide what u going 2 do before is 2 late.

What is best for your childrent? Isn't it self evident. I understand the concern of being alone but being alone is far better than ending up hurt. Your kids don't need to be around this and you will win the custody battle as well as financial support. Those two issues shouldn't be a concern.

Why make excuses for him? I am sorry he had a bad ubringing but that means nothing. It is his past he can make amends if he wants to but he chooses not to because of a lack of respect for you and your children. Please get out for your sake and the children. You understand what you are doing to your kids, no child will grow up sane seeing all this stuff and his mother allowing it to continue to go on and act like it is normal. The only way to correct it is to get out and not look back. He may be the father but that doesn't give him the right to do what he is doing. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR A JERK!! He is that and your parents don't understand what is truly going on and it is ultimately not their decision either, it is yours.

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!

The abuse will not stop with you soon as the children get on his nerves they will be next to be abused. This is a proven fact in almost all cases. This teaches your children that hitting and hurting anyone when your mad is OK and they will grow up to be abusers.

This is domination with pain and not a relationship and certainly not an environment for children to be raised in.
PLEASE
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
Additional contacts for the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Help via email: [email protected]

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Help, Treatment, Intervention, and Prevention

This link will lead you to a page on how to get out of a abusive relationship they have great information that is proven to work THIS IS ALL THEY DO AND THEY CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.

I am sure your parents think they are doing the right thing or they just don't know what to do. Religion should never allow one to cause pain to another... isn't that the whole point?
You should tell your parents that forgiving him is only hurting him and not getting him the help he needs and if he won't get help while in the marriage all you can do to help him is to leave him. This is Bullsh*&# but it may help them see something needs to be done and then show them how many women in abusive relationships die at the hands of their spouse when they tell you to go back to him. Ask them why they want you to die and have an abuser raise your children alone, how scary of a thought is that?

GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN I WISH ONLY THE SAFEST AND BEST FOR YOU

From
richcali with love

Wow , That What The First Thing That Come To My Mind After Reading Your Email. I'm A Woman That Dealth With A lot Of Abuse From My Husband , Your Family Is In A Hard Place, They Try To Keep Peace But The Peace Will Only Be Found In The Bible Right Now. Do You Stay Many Would Say No But There Only One Person That Could Answer The Question In You Read It Now. No One Can Answer But If Ever You Need A Friend Voice Im Here Email Me At [email protected] . At You Time Of Pain I Pray That God Will Will Guide You He Will Teach You What It Take To Make It Work Or Just Walk Out. After 15 Hard Years My Husband Was Killed Not By Me But At A Bar, People Ask Me Did That Give Me Peace My Anwer Is No. I Wish That I Could Had Seen Him Be The Man The Man That God Knew He Could Had Been.

Geez that's a really bad situation. I once had a boyfriend who used to self harm, every time I had a fight with him he would slash up and talk about suicide. The difference in my situation is my mum has a severe psychiatric disorder so not only am I more skilled in dealing with this type of things, I would also never tell her about him because she simply would not understand. Im sorry but I can't understand why your parents would be acting like that, maybe your mum wants you married and away or maybe she just feels responsible for him. Im not sure. What you need to think about is what makes you hapopy. I f you are only staying with him because of his threats or because you feel pity for him it is not working. Its your life, you only have one chance to make it perfect. Everyday is a blessing... dont ever let another person pin you down with their problems. He needs help, he is holding you back. He may well be clinging to you for the last glimmer of life but you cannot be responsivble for that kind of thing. Get out!!

Do not stick by with the abuse. You do not deserve it

No one should have to endure a situation of abuse, be it emotional or physical. Your parents sound like they are very old fashioned and hold on to the belief that the husband should be the provider and the woman the nurturer. Marriage is a partnership and both partners should be equal, I am not talking women's lib here, what I am saying is that both partners should respect each other, and the way he is abusing you doesn't show any respect. Your kids are learning that it is o.k. to treat women like dirt and if you don't break the cycle now, it will continue when they grow up.
Don't stay just because he can provide "nice things", he could be dirt poor and love you to death and you would be much happier than you are now.
Yes, leaving is scary, but staying could be worse. I don't know where you live, but if you live in a community property state remember 1/2 of everything is yours.
Counseling only works when both parties want to get better, it doesn't sound like it's the case here.

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Counseling only works when both parties want to get better, it doesn't sound like it's the case here.

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It is way to late for marriage counseling. You should see someone to help you heal from his abusiveness though, after you get away from him.

Yeah you may forgive but never forget what he did to you but you don't need to stay with a man who hurts you and does not make you happy if you have given up then you need to leave him because it will never work as long as he hurts you and don't worry about your family because they are always going to be there even if you are not with them and the suicide thing don't worry about that all that is him trying to make you feel sorry for him so you won't keave but don't fall foe that stuff leave him that's the best thing you can do with yourself and your life

After enduring years of mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse, I have come to the realization that I can not continue on this way. Living with this man, living in this relationship is wearing me down. It is taking a serious toll on my physical health. I never feel good anymore. I can hardly eat without experiencing severe stomach pain and/or nausea. For a couple of months now, I have been seeking advice on here about whether I should leave my husband. The response has been overwhelming. I had begun to look for a place to go for me and my children, and found a suitable apartment. It would be based on my income. The other day, the lady called me and said I had been denied the apartment due to insufficient credit. I was really upset. It seems like there is no way out of this. There is no escape. I have no money saved up, I am a substitute teacher and it is summer, so right now I don't even have a job. My family is not supportive of my leaving him, so I can't go there. And I absolutely will not go to a shelter. I feel like I have nowhere to turn to? I have been with him since I was 16- and I am 28 now. Is there any starting over for someone like me? Does anyone have any suggestions? How do you go about finding a place to live when you don't have very good credit? Any advice would be appreciated...

Yes, you move, period, pack and go, you go to a women's and family shelter and let them help you with counseling, job skills and getting and starting a new life.

A women's shelter is the place to get started and they can give you the services you need to get your life in order. There are probably several groups in your area to help you. Just do it, and don't look back.