Ask Me Help Desk - A pass was made

A pass was made

A pass was made on me by my husbands friend. I rejected him of course. Next day I told my husband and he opened up saying one of my gay friends made a pass at him few weeks ago! I was disgusted! And still am.

I want to confront both of them just by telling them we know and have told each other so don't mess with us!

My husband disagree's.

Should I go behind my husbands wishes? I don't think so, but why wouldn't my husband want to fight for me or not fight but let them know we know!

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Either your hubby doesn't want a drama or he just lied about your gay fren making a pass at him,,
Confronting the other two or not,, either way, therez drama,,

I suggest you do nothing now, let it fade out. But if your hubbyz fren repeats this misbehavior, then SERIOUSLY, your hubby better take action,, if not, then you confront him while your hubby is present...

I want nothing to do with them both and my husband would not lie about my gay friend..

If no oen is hurt here and you both sound like your open a honest with each other. Let this one die out. If it happens again most definirtely say something. It sounds like you both are very honest with each other cherish that.

You handled it by rebuffing him and mentioning it to your husband, there is no reason to say anything. If it happens again, your husband needs to put him in his place.

You rejected the pass. End of it for now. Come back if it happens again, which it probably won't. I presume that your husband also rejected the pass he got. Same thing - let it go.

People are always testing others in little ways like this, and most of them try only once. Perhaps you are both attractive and very friendly and outgoing with others, and they just want to know what it might mean, and now they know.

Okay I am being naïve thinking all people think the way I do BUT what "friend" would make a pass at his "friend's" wife? That doesn't sound like a friend to me and not a friend that I would want.

No I don't think a friend would do that bit not everyone thinks the way I do. You handled it and it probably will never happen again. Let it go.

That is how I reasoned it also.. NO friend would make a pass at anyone's partner mostly if they are very good friends. Same goes for my gay friend, I thought he was a good friend to me but I was wrong, he took advantage of a moment alone with my husband, and same goes for my husbands so called friend.

My only reasoning for telling these two 'friends' we know, so that they know NOT to mess with us because we are a strong couple and don't lie or keep secrets.. and then tell them BYE...

But my husband doesn't wish that, he just said lets forget them and ignore them

I deleted my gay friend off Facebook, deleted his contacts etc...
I wonder if he will ever message to ask me why?
Well, if he doesn't, its obvious why!

Like Homegirl said,, Let It Go,,

If it happens again, talk to your husband,,

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadface

i deleted my gay friend off Facebook, deleted his contacts etc...
I wonder if he will ever msg to ask me why?!
well, if he doesnt, its obvious why!

I don't see an issue with that and if he asks tell him the truth. But be ready for "Oh I was drunk" or "I was having a weak moment", etc. Was the proposition to your husband made as a joke or was it a serious proposition? It takes some serious kajobees for a gay person to proposition a straight guy let alone a married straight guy.

While I undertand your anger, and your actions so far, you are building this into a bigger deal than what it should be. You have found that the friends you thought were friends were NOT. You move on and only make better friends. Life is full of incidents and best move beyond them after actions are taken.

Why hold on to this and keep the anger alive just to prove a point that has meaning just toyou? Obviously your husband has taken it in stride and moved beyond this himself. Follow his example.

Confusing!

I have been with my partner/husband for over 10 years... Last year one of his friends made a pass at me not once but 3 times... After a few weeks I packed up the strength to tell him. He was gutted, however till today he still speaks to this guy! It confuses me to say the least! I know if one of my friends did that to me I would not speak to them anymore.. Can someone kindly fill me in as to why my husband still speaks to this guy and occasionally they meet?? My husband never confronted him neither!
Thank you in advance

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Yet he still speaks to his so called friend that made a pass at me THREE times :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadface

Yet he still speaks to his so called friend that made a pass at me THREE times :(

When did the 'friend' make more passes? Was he serious or playing around trying to get a reaction? Some people do 'flirt' or 'make passes' just to mess with someone they see as uptight. Is he that type of person?

What was your husband's reaction when you told him about those incidents? Have you discussed the issue with him? I do not mean telling him and expecting him to challenge the 'friend' to a duel. But sat down and talked about it and listened to what each other has to say.

Are you worried that the 'friend' might do more than make a few passes? Is there concern that his behavior might escalate? That he might lie to your husband to cause trouble?

Are you concerned that your husband may start acting like the 'friend'?

Why should your husband 'fight' for you? That implies you think your husband isn't much of a man if he isn't protecting your honor or that he doesn't love you if he doesn't act like a stag in mating mating season defending his territory.

Does your love for your husband depend on how he reacts to something he may see as a minor irritation?

Because if A friend of mine made a pass on my man I would NOT ever talk to them again!
This friend found me alone pushed up against a wall and tried to kiss me!
My husband was quite upset but he said he trusts me.. which is great but I can't understand how on earth he seems OK to still talk to this guy who made a pass at his wife, its mind boggling and abit disrespectful to me that he still does :(

I don't see this guy anymore.. should I maybe start being OK with being around him just how my husband is?

I trust my husband not act like a jerk or flirt around..

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadface

Because if A friend of mine made a pass on my man i would NOT ever talk to them again!
This friend found me alone pushed up against a wall and tried to kiss me!
my husband was quite upset but he said he trusts me.. which is great but i can't understand how on earth he seems ok to still talk to this guy who made a pass at his wife, its mind boggling and abit disrespectful to me that he still does :(

Have you talked with your husband? Have you asked him?

He trusts you which is great. At this point, he may not understand that you do not trust the friend. I don't think he sees the situation the same way you do. Talk with him, if you haven't. Don't think in terms of disrespect, but do talk about boundaries and safety. You are two individuals and how you handle situations and people will be different. All you can do is communicate and find a compromise.

Pushing you up against a wall is an assault not a pass.

If you are concerned about this person's behavior then stay away from him.

Yes we did talk about it.. my husband says he lacks friends, and knew from day 1 what this guy was all about!

Few woman understand the concept of keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. They prefer the emotional responses that make them feel good, safe and secure. Many are frustrated when they cannot see first hand their man standing up for them. He trusts you, and wants you to trust him to handle things but his own way. Its up to you to deal with your feelings and trust and have some faith.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadface

Yes we did talk about it .. my husband says he lacks friends, and knew from day 1 what this guy was all about!

OK I find it a bit funky that your husband knows what his friend is about and has no problem with him pushing you against a wall and trying to get a kiss. I don't care how much he trust you, his friend was out of line and your husband should have stood up for you. He didn't make a pass he, assaulted you.

Hopefully he pulled the guy aside and read him the riot act with the appropriate threats of physical violence that goes with his behavior. Or maybe he expects you to kick the guy in the nuts and be done with it.

He might be speaking with him... but I quarantee you he no longer trusts him... or feels the same way about him.

He might also be viewing this from the perspective.of what he did was bad... but he didn't force a kiss on you or grope you... which would be a far more serious offense in most guys eyes... and if he had forces his hand under your skirt.. in your pants or under your shirt... thats a level of offense that would call for a severe beatdown to most guys.

Some guys would put a whoopingon them just for making a pass... particularly if they happened to see it...

This is just a wild guess... but it's a wild guess from a guys perspective...

Maybe he see's it as the guy did something that while inappropriate from any viewpoint... may not have been intended as it came across... (on the "friends end") and the possibility you might have read a bit more into it than was intended...

Like I said.. it was just a wild guess because I don't know the dynamics of everyone involved... what to some people might be innocent teasing... could to other people in another situation be taken as serious flirting or passes...

And that's from my own personal experiences... there are situations with a number of people I get very friendly with... (with my wife next to me).. and we all know each other well enough and are close enough we do it knowing its nothing serious... however if that happened with someone that wasn't quite as close... it could easily be taken as maken a pass or flirting. Sometimes that linebetween them isn't as clear as it should be...

An example... I can do that with my sister-in-laws... and we have for over 20 years... but we are all married and we are close enough we can do that... but if I did that with say... my neighbor... all kind of inappropriate flags would be flying...

SO long story short... he didn't blow it off... but that guy is on thin ice with him right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadface

I have been with my partner/husband for over 10 years... Last year one of his friends made a pass at me not once but 3 times... After a few wks i packed up the strenght to tell him. He was gutted, however till today he still speaks to this guy! It confuses me to say the least! I know if one of my friends did that to me i would not speak to them anymore.. Can someone kindly fill me in as to why my husband still speaks to this guy and occassionally they meet?!?! My husband never confronted him neither!
Thank you in advance

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I should have looked for other threads on this subject earlier. Was it the next day or weeks later that you told your husband?

It does make a difference. If you were so upset you told him the next day, I would expect a different reaction than I would if you waited weeks to tell him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Few woman understand the concept of keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. They prefer the emotional responses that make them feel good, safe and secure. Many are frustrated when they cannot see first hand their man standing up for them. He trusts you, and wants you to trust him to handle things but his own way. Its up to you to deal with your feelings and trust and have some faith.

Never thought of that.. keep your enemies closer!
Good call talaniman! Thanks

Just wondering whether I should be OK around this guy also? Or do as I am and keep my distance!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I should have looked for other threads on this subject earlier. Was it the next day or weeks later that you told your husband?

It does make a difference. If you were so upset you told him the next day, I would expect a different reaction than I would if you waited weeks to tell him.

After the 3rd incident I told him the next day, and then I also brought up the other times

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

OK I find it a bit funky that your husband knows what his friend is about and has no problem with him pushing you against a wall and trying to get a kiss. I don't care how much he trust you, his friend was out of line and your husband should have stood up for you. He didn't make a pass he, assaulted you.

He asked me if I wanted him to harm this guy and I said NO!

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Like I said..it was just a wild guess because I don't know the dynamics of everyone involved...what to some people might be innocent teasing...could to other people in another situation be taken as serious flirting or passes....

This guy is just a pervert though, with a string of stripper type girlfriends and a big cheat!
Guess he has low self esteem!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadface

This guy is just a pervert though, with a string of stripper type girlfriends and a big cheat!
Guess he has low self esteem!

Guess that explains... "string of girlfriends"... none of them hung around very long once they got to know him. And they had low standards to begin with.

Sounds like he is a creep and I would just avoid him. A pass is one thing, to do it more than once is in poor taste and ought to be put in his place. He will mess the wrong man's wife one day and get his butt kicked.

How does your husband know this guy... is he like a friend of a friend... someone he grew up with? Someone he workds with...

I think the other part of the answer to why he's still around is there...

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

How does your husband know this guy....is he like a friend of a friend...someone he grew up with? Someone he workds with...

I think the other part of the answer to why he's still around is there.....

My husband and this guy got to know one another about 2-3 yr ago through work! They became friends, and when I was introduced I could tell his type esp after comments such as why don't you have sister just like you :/

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Sounds like he is a creep and I would just avoid him. A pass is one thing, to do it more than once is in poor taste and ought to be put in his place. He will mess the wrong man's wife one day and get his butt kicked.

I so agree!! Before my husband used to go out with him to bars / pubs etc... but after I spoke up and said the truth at least that don't happen anymore - and they just meet briefly for a beer after work!

He once tried to kiss me in our garden when my husband popped down the road to get us more beers! Disgusting!

I see less reason for him to be around knowing that from a guys perspective... if they worked together... or grew up together... that would have been more of a reason to blow off a lot of things...

I'm guessing he is really on thin ice right now... or at least should be.

I'm not understanding the problem which apparently has been going on for months. Pushing someone up against a wall is not "making a pass." As has been said, it's an assault.

I don't understand the part where you require your husband to fight your battles. You tell the guy to keep his hands off you because next time you are calling the Police. Would I be in this guy's company? No. Do I think my friends have to be my significant other's friends? No.

Would I expect my husband/boyfriend to rip the guy's head off or take care of this for me? No. I'm quite capable of handling it myself.

I learned long ago that screaming at the top of your lungs, "Get your hands off me!" works like a charm.

On the other hand your husband is remarkably casual about this assault on your person. Is this the only time you've come to him to complain about being sexually harassed or is this a routine thing? Maybe he doesn't think it's the same big deal you think it is.

And, again, why can't you fight your own battles?

I missed the pushing up against the wall part somehow... yes... that isn't a pass that's an assault.

I don't think she wanted her husband to fight her battles, I think she was upset because her husband did not seem to care that his "friend" did this and seemed so "no big deal" about it.

HG, I wonder why the husband just doesn't seem to care. Is "he made a pass at me" a regular occurrence?

Pushing her against the wall is hardly a pass and it seems to be the same man. Maybe she is just wanting him to have some reaction. I don't understand why he hasn't reacted.

I guess we are on different pages here.

If a woman made a pass at my husband I would expect him to take care of it, not coming running to me for help.

I don't understand what reaction the OP wants. She can't dictate her husband's friends. Maybe her husband's a jerk, just like his friend. I don't know.

I am troubled that this started with a "pass" being made, now it's 3 passes and a push into a wall.

Again - if a woman pushes my husband into a wall and tries to kiss him I trust he will take care of it. He doesn't need me to run interference, and it works the other way around.

I see this as a "why isn't my husband more jealous" issue rather than "why doesn't my husband do something" issue.

We are on different pages. If my husband had a friend who made a pass at me, I would handle it but if it happened again, I would say something to my husband like "you need to have a talk with your friend"
I guess it depends on the persons involved. My husband would have wanted to know if he had a friend who was repeatedly doing that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I don't think she wanted her husband to fight her battles, I think she was upset because her husband did not seem to care that his "friend" did this and seemed so "no big deal" about it.

Exactly!

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

HG, I wonder why the husband just doesn't seem to care. Is "he made a pass at me" a regular occurrence?

Not at all!!

I don't want him to fight my battles.. I freely pushed the guy away and called him a jerk.. I just didn't think my husband would not say a word to him and still be 'pally' with the guy!

Stop drinking with them, and if a beer run is necessary by your husband, he should take his friend too. INSIST on it. Separate yourself from your husband's business partner in all ways, and he will have NO opportunities for making passes at you.

You should have kicked him in the nuts the first time he acted inappropriately, and again if necessary, but doing nothing is always seen as a signal to keep doing more by a disrespectful jerk. Its been obvious for a long time you cannot join your husband when he mixes business, and pleasure. Telling your husband without some very clear instruction as to the outcome you want is another thing that muddies the waters as if I remember correctly he did ask what you wanted to do about it and this was not the first issue between you that has occurred and you have had a difference of approach to the situation. Indeed you do want your husband to fight for you, or at least make it an issue that he backs you up while fighting for you.

It's a conflict in the way you BOTH resolve your issues between you. I doubt he is ready to jeopardize his business because his partner is a jerk, so either you remove yourself from his dealings with this fellow all together, or stopping having him at your house.

Its clear your husbands friend/associate, is not YOURS also, so I favor removing yourself. Your husband has already said he trusts your judgment, so its up to you.

Maybe that's why he left you with this jerk and you failed to kick him in the nuts and handle your business properly. Ask him.

I am having a problem with why this is her fault. Her husband is IMO a wiener for not dealing with this man. But yes, you need to stay away from him and tell your husband to not bring him home. I would think a man, a husband would have the sense to do this anyway.