Hi.. I am in relationship because I had a wedding I need to call it marriage. My husband Is a good man but when he doesn't notices all things I get upset and if he doesn't do that for me I get more upset. Let's say he holds the door for a stranger in a mall. At home he goes off and if I am in the back and if he doesn't do that I tell him for that. He thinks he is being casual and I'm being toooo nagging on him. This just an example.

Anything I don't like and that affects me if he doesn't know how can he change and he thinks I am being a teacher to him. I don't want to judge him that he is like that cause I have hope but it's becoming outrageous. If I tell he feels he is being controlled, and if I don't tell and I get affected. He would say sorry and do it again. What shalI I do? It's just not the door to call it silly it was a metaphor and an example.

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Originally Posted by Oka ammayi

Hi.. Iam in relationship because I had a wedding I need to call it marriage ...my husband Ida good man but when he doesn't notices all I'll things I get upset and over that if he doesent do that for me I get more upset... Let's say he holds the door for a stranger in a mall at home he goes off and if i am I the back if hedoesnet do that i tell him for that. He thinks he is being casual and aim being toooo nagging on him... This just an example ... Anything I don't like and that affects me if he doesent know how can he change and he thinks iam being a teacher to him ... I don't want to judge him that he is like that cause I have hope but it's becoming outrageous ..if I tell he feels he is being controlled and if I don't tell and I get affected he wud say sorry and do it again... What shal I do it's just not the door to call it silly it was a metaphor and an example ..

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You are either married or you are not. Playing games with words make me question your sincerity.

Anyway - without knowing exactly what you are talking about it's difficult to give an opinion.

If you are married, you need to talk - like other married couples do. No one here knows why he thinks the way he does or why he does what he does.

Presumably you are closer to the situation and more able to figure it out.

I read.. I hear ANd I always imagine parents being connected and talking to their kids about honesty respect and love... What should I do if I don't get that treatment imnot a kid I am 30.. mid I don't tell them I will never have parents that I deserve and they would miss a child that really want to connect and my siblings thinks I am stressing them out if I letting them know my pain I am disrespecting them by pointing out that they did not talk to me about love respect and honesty I am living to defend myself all the time... I feel depressed though I type my problem here I don't anyone to judge them as wrong people... And they donnow that ,they think If I discuss with anyone I am deliberately trying to defame them... And because I am trying to connect with someone else they say I am always disrespecting them and they laugh about it when I say do I have any respect... And they keep discussing on my back that I am not casual... and because I ask them to understand me that think I don't show any gratitude for all what they have done and they hate me for that... because I am disturbed to my core I loose my temper fast and cry and cry and cry... and they would avoid my discussion and try to divert and all I can see it as dishonesty cause they won't discuss or talk back about it and when I am normal and happy they won't talk about anything like this and when I am on the verge they would divert it.. What the hell I can do... If giving up on people is done they would end up like me I don't want them to bear this pain there is absolutely no one single fake word in this... and I am pretty sure if my parents and my family reads this they will think I am trying to impress people rather they won't accept I really love them... This is my biggest problem I can't divert myself by having good time because my heart is der.. and if I try to talk to them they would divert omr get hurt leaving no choice it silly but I want to die only to make them realise but then I can't enjoy their real love...

Do you still live at home?

No I am married an am with my husband but living away from them has not changed my feelings and my husband is also saying that I am a bad person and when he does the same thing "ignoring the need to connect" I tell him I don't want my ki to become like me... He says I don't have a friend that's y I am like this but I have friends and he accuses me of torturing him when I try to talk.. So I don't have anywhere to run and may be I don't want to run from them I want to see them my family and my husband as beautiful people... and when I say this to them they think I am using good sweet statements only to impress people... Which stashes me to a volcano of feelings and I go off balance

Think about this for a minute. What have you done that has worked well to improve the relationship with them? Is there anything that works?

Trying to communicate with them.. is something I do send them gifts anytime possible even if therebis no occasion just to show them I care... when they go.places I just want hear them say I saw athing and I remeberd u... when ever I go shopping I see a thing I think if my mom.wud like it or my dad will like it... I wonder if they ever think that I never hear that from them... I wanted to run away from home as a kid believe me I did not do that only cause people and society would talk wrong about them... I bouht gifts for them with my first salary they thaought I was manipulating them by throwing them some cheap gifts instead they were expecting me to give them my firstt salary as such to them.. I wanted to buy them gifts and give them remaining the way thry took it I couldnot do that...

You cannot buy respect and affection with gifts, so you see that that has not worked for you.

What has worked?

I didn't try to buy respect with gifts... nothing works thays why am here.. I was ranking moderate in school just to di better I topped within top 5 and there was no difference what could do as akid to gain love... they would disrespectfully address my friends and I would stop them to do that and I would tell them that their parents never called me like that... I donnow what should I do to gain respect my heart was heavy since then I told you I wanted to go away and didn't do that just to keep their name well and when my in laws were talking trash about them I defended my parents right in front if them... I donnow what else to say what would you have done if ubwere in my place I am in us and my parents are in india I flew to be there with him formy dads surgery... I am buying gifts to show rthem I think of them not to buy respect many of my friends and cousins like my thouhts that I thunk of them and send gifts anytime possible they also started doing it.. what else could be done if I can't take how will they know

As a mtter of fact I am haapy that someone is responding and if talk about u.. that this online person helped me they would get offended rather than thinking that ia m happy they know it is wrong..

Where in India are you from? Is your husband Indian? (arranged marriage?)

I am from south india no it was an arranged one I married a guy that I committed to... what is that going to help in this.. what would work to mae things better if you were me...

I'm still not clear on what (if anything) has worked for you so far. Your answers to my questions are very confusing. I will ask you a question, and you give a very short and clear answer -- okay?

What does this mean? Arranged or not? "no it was an arranged one i married a guy that i commited to "

It's a general practice for wives in my part of country to conclude and carry on with thiet own interest evennif it is husband or parents... I have seen my sisters talk dissatisfied with mynparents but demand them for theier wants or concluding they are like that and giving upon them whrreas I think if they know what's in my mind they would understand and never do it again... and when I said that my sister and expressed my doubts if they would do that because my experiences were like that and then she immly responded saying that "u dont respect our parents and u dont deserve kids" it was pretty disturbing to me and my mom knows this she doesent condemn my sisters act towards me and I feel nobody is der in my side... and when my husbands knows that he said your parents are not connected that's why you are botbering to me... it just sucks... all.I want to say is concluding and carrying on with life is what you di with strangers whereas stay and let them know about situation and making it better is what anyine does in a relationship... I am neither giving up nor experiencing the binding... soooo what the heckcan I do...

No, no, no.

Keep this simple. Let's begin at the beginning.

Your parents arranged for you to marry a man you did not know. You agreed and were willing to commit to him.

Yes or no.

No... Ok I will just answer the question I chose the guy and they agreed that tooo with struggle and with a tag because "we didn't choose the guy ,,we don't wanna respond in a problem as we respond to the daughter that accepted to marry the guy we chose ..".and I said that's not fair for which I am the black sheep for the whole family

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Originally Posted by Oka ammayi

No... Ok I will just answer the question I chose the guy and they agreed that tooo with struggle and with a tag because "we didn't choose the guy ,,we don't wanna respond in a problem as we respond to the daughter that accepted to marry the guy we chose ..".and I said that's not fair for which iam the black sheep for the whole family

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I'm not sure I understand. Is this right?

1. You chose the man to marry.
2. Your parents said okay but were not happy because they did not choose him.
3. They said you are on your own if there are problems in the marriage. They will not advise you.
4. You said that is not fair.
5. Now you are disrespected by the whole family because you did not follow tradition.

Now there are problems in the marriage?

I answered you back.. I can't get them posted I don't know why...

Yaa the point wise analysis is absolutely right... if I do the samething I don't know why I get fired back... because I try to describe my problem the same way to my family but every point has something wrong pointed atthem ay be that's why... but I don't have any way out... except leaving everything behind... but if I do I feel like I am giving upon them...

What are the problems in the marriage? Maybe if you can fix those, things will improve with your family.

Hmm I typed sooo much andthis doesent allow me to post and I lost a lot feelings.. I feel like throw this damn thing but somethingelse tells me that not right... that is what I have been doing with my life...
The problem in my marriage is so much similar to what I faced with my life before it...
Lts start with the one right now... my husband is a very good man.. he loves me and I love him... and I want to know what that matters and means to anyone that's why I married...

I have a problem I don't get up early which is dragging me and my familys health towards down which is not an immediate threat but its like a whole in the boat and I know that and I want to fix it.. I can't do that on my own and I asked my husband to wake me up as soon as he gets up where as he doesn't do that all the time and when I ask he says he loves me and doesn't want to disturb me... and an hour later if he is pallning for a diet and workout.. he is conscious that he is not spending eough time to improve himself.. and he would just get frustrated and says "i dont have u in my life to support in taking care of my diet for my workout. how do u care" and I answer I can do that if you let me do that...

And he on the other hand coems from office and will be tiered or frustrated and will be silent and would watch TV.. I ask him what happened I would say tell me or talk to me he would say.. I am already doomed don't talk to me he would say I can't change my mood just by letting me know.. that starts a rage in me.. iwud try again.. he would be like I am so sad.. all I ask him is to say as he feels.. I don't want him to manipulate a bad incident into an amusing talk he thinks I am forcing him into being good though he ffels bad... and I donw what to do.. its him who needs a helping hand and I myself offer him and get knokedout,. because if I were in his place may be tahts what I do... may be its intruding, OK then I ask him what to do... he says he will talk about it later and he never does that when he is all right.. he says he forgot.. just because he forgot and enjoys something else is it not superficial is the underlying problem going to get big... how does he get that... all I can think is he should face the troble.. I am being cruel... I donnow I feel helpless...
Talking for 10 minutes focusedly is important for a relationship... he wouldn't do that by himself.. but he always wants to do that is what he keeps expressing.. since he wants to do that I offer him help and it is bothering him so I give him a calender and leave him for a week to let himself see what he did and he doesent want to review when happy... may be he is just being a guy... but he should be a man when needed and when I go and pick 10 minutes and ask him to go around all he would do is make fun of me or anyone else to be happy I find it funny and stupid.. cause direct hart to heart talk is what I expect and may be what neede,. I don't ming being funny and casula.. but increasing heartful talk is also important.. he doesent get that.. he says I am not being casual and I am trying to change him and I am not letting him be himself... and I get pissed off.. and when I need someone talk to eveytime if I turn up to to a computer.. what's in the relatioship... everytime starting only when things go bad... its here where my parents influence comes (like an old heart attack,. ).. as a kid I coulnt get enough time to talk to my parents... they would never utter words like love honesty creativity accpetabilty respect.. tahts allll a talk that is seen in moviess.. and when I say... respect is considered as a quality only towards elders... understanding what I have to say was a least pripority.. and I was considered abnormal being as a reggular kid is normal eating studying and sleeping and carrying on is normal so when I was a kid I wanted to run away but to keep my parents respect I stayed back and I decided I would show them that its all normal may the real normal.. . because in my parents case it was in their hands to respond to me.. and all I did was not enough to live my life.. so I lost trust.. now this is where my husband is giving me those chills when I leave I am pretty sure may be not as insentively as my parents were.. my husband would bring me my fav food.. and would talk about something funny.. but wouldn't connect as needed I would not know his heart to full anither will he.. and it will slowly fade away.. because he thinks I am bothering him for every word... when we have a discussion he says something wrong or hurtfull I would tell him to rephrase it.. he will understand and would say he will practice tha.. later when doesent do it to me or to any one else if uses that kind of insenstive talk.. I get fused up... I told him just now and he would do it someone else... then how in world will he not do it to me... it was him who wanted to talk better.. and I remind him then and there he thinks I am not being casual... I donnow if all thgis sounds as my side of story... I don't want to end up regretting or giving up... I want to let my parents know what it is like cause I am tired and it's their impact I am experiencing... I donnow if it sounds that I am blaming me... instaed I am expecting they would say lets forget it all lets start over again.. now we will do better... tahts what meand my husband do.. and it slowly fades of... I am portrayed as looser all the time that's the feedback I get from them when we have high temperd arguments... when I am OK and everyone is talking they would say aim not working and that's why I am like this...

If spending time on people you love to be able to connect no matter what is a loosers quality I donnow what to do with all housewives... I donnow mays be it's the nature of the job... I am some on you don't know you are trying to help me and sometime late I say you are so jobless tahts why you ar volunteering wouldn't it hurt you to core... u would just hang up and go away... but lets say I am your family then... one will stay and don't want to conclude on family and would try till max... how will they understand.. / doe it sound like I am surving it.. and I got a lead through my marriage and this one is showing some worn offs.. shouldn't I be worried... am I a looser really.. isn't that a mother woud do for her child... is it worng if a child does that... is is disrespecting her... I donnow...

Because I never believed perfect things comes to one if they are not tried for that's y I married my husband.. in this statement I don't mean he is not perfect.. I am tryingto say may be I am matching to a betterness... which won't start to worn if I stopp..
And totally I am pretty damn tiered.. is it legitiamte for someto know that I am tierd and still expect me to hold up to it... I feel ridiculos... and for expressing it I loose people... what the heck...

In a scenario recently I have been planning for kids and I was so not becoming pregnant and I wanted to adopt... so I was talking to my sister saying that I want to adopt but I am worried if mom and dad would act as same grandparents as they would o to her kids.. I am in so much confusion and pain because all my past expeirnces and collection of data from mom regarding such topics were negative.. and she started like.. how can you say that.. " u dont respect parents and u dont desrve to have kids.." that's was a blast and I was like... I am confused my experince says that.. I don't want to fake it because I am planning to bringing in new life.. I don't mean to disrespect the,mm instead may be I was expecting a response that will say"""y be they will not at start may be eventualluyy """" something like that.. and I was talking and I said that's not fair on your part.. may be I am not totally fit to being a mom.. but this negative approach is also not helping... and she blamed me you don't get up early in morning so you don't know what it is.. then I said.. if I find your aproach is wrong I am letting you know in a hope that you would undewrstand and change,. whereas on the other hand u( my sister) thinks I don't get up in da morning all she says is I don't dersve kids.. I disrespect parents.. I do all this because I am jobless.. or worthless... I feel sickk and I didn't tell this to my mom only to keep her off this tension and if they knpow about this I am pretty sure I will be targeted which I already am with my other siblings they cll up and discuss upon me... and all I am fighting for is them to be sorry to me.. and shall stop being like this to me and to anyone else... in the world... I donnow why trying for such a cause is joblessness in their view... if I devolp startagies and make apowerpoint presentation and post on internet and everyone else show interest in it is it not worhfull.. or may be if a make a movie and if people watch it then would they think its good enough and important.. how can they or anyone expcet for someone in trouble to wait.. u won't expect to wait you ask if they will what or you request... or at least you would communicate for rthem to know they should wait.. why can't my family do that.. just because I am younger to all of themmm... this just pours out so much pain and tears... they are just using my hope as fuel if they waste it I can't let the,, at the same time I can't stop giving that hope cause it will finally stops... what shall I do what do you think will workk

When I don't call up mys elder sister on their wedding anniversary I will be called up saying how could you forget to call... u have been enjoying life and forgetting family... since that incident with my sister we both are not talking to each other my mom knows that now and she doent talk to me about it... why wouldn't shee. Why can't she ask my sister to be apologitic to me... she knows something is there she doesn't care to ask me... or may be she think I will lash out and it will spoil her relationship with my sister.. I donnow... who will know my side if story.. how will I know the other side of story where is the commomn ground.. and why is that I have to lay it all the time.. and even if do why does that fades off.. and when I try again whay am ia called jobless.. keeping dedicated to family is considered stupid... and whay am I so stubborn on it... why am I pushing myself to it again and again... may be that's what an atlete will do... I am racing with my heart and if it stops may be I want you to publish it... I donnpw ai m just going crazy...

I am being in defensive mode right now... even my husband is offering me to take for a trip I am wondeing when a fight comes up he may bring this and he said he would do that onlyif are together for that long... that again pissed me off and I am talking rough he is getting outraged... I donnow doing something good now and talking frustrated about the same thing later is what my dad used todo I don't want my kids to face it... its what evry elder in my part of country does so may be my learnt from there... I want to stop it.. that's why I did not accept his offer to make a trip for me... I told him I woud do that only if he is sure about it.. and he is frustrated when I say that... I am frustrated that he is not understanding the key.. I don't know,, its crazy somebody respond...

If he does something nice for me now and talk trash about it later that breaks my trust... and when I said how cn I trust you he says.. don't ask me questionss. He is yelling and outraged when I ask question... I donnow I can't accept the offer... it was my request for my friends wedding before we had a fight... now I donnow if io should take it thinking that I am benifitted... ( that sounds lke I am using him which I don't want to)... if I don't its again pushing things more rough... and then if I accept ( its like I am giving up... donnow if this will come up in a bad way later)... if I ask question to be in clear terms... I am not being sweet and nice which is spoiling the situation right now,, what the heck...

What are the three most worrisome problems in your marriage? Don't write a book; just make a list -- 1, 2, 3.

My problems are..

1: spending time is such an important issue time in the sense to connect.. is missing

2: I am too scarethat I will end up being someone who I don't want to... I ask for help.. I don't get it.. and when I raise an issue.. people are ready to accept me only if I do something... when I did and if it is not noticed it goes back problem 1

3: I am lazy too and I need help to rejeuvate myself... I need a person who can help me to get back on tracks.. andi do the same its and issue...

I was making an attempt to talk to my husband.. and it went well not as expected.. I suggesed I have an issue A u help me to get through this
U have an issue called B I shall help you to get through that

Lets track it everyday.. lets start it form now.. his response was I donnow if I can reverse the damage.. I don't think I want to do that... that's my issue if di d that in first place... I donnow I would be I na different place now...
Doing the same thing when a stranger that wedont know in form a of a marriage therapist or a doctor or a relative... if that is going to impact then what was all I was trying to do...

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Originally Posted by Oka ammayi

my problems are ..

1: spending time is such an important issue time in the sense to connect ..is missing

2: i am too scarethat i wil end up being someone who i dont want to...i ask for help .. i dont get it.. and when i raise an issue .. people are ready to accept me only if i do something.... when i did and if it is not noticed it goes back problem 1

3: i am lazy too and i need help to rejeuvate my self....i need a person who can help me to get back on tracks.. andi do the same its n issue ...

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1. Have two dates a week.
2. Don't be whiny and weak. Think about what to do and do it without asking for help.
3. For getting up in the morning, buy an alarm clock. You know you are lazy, so find objects and solutions to help you not be lazy.

What if I have two dates.. and he doesent remember to turn up...

And then I don't have my parents to understand me and go back...

May be I am being whiny and weak... what else would someone become.. when they face this from their basic loved ones...

Alarm clock I admit its my problem may be that the thing I will staill take upon me that it was my mistake.. and is still


I am saying what if.. because I already faced this even know after all fight I said give me 3 goals and I shall give you some lets check on each other for 5 minutes a day... and my husbands respons was I donnow if I want to do that..
He said he wants someone who will do things blindly...
Now I am totally out of my courage and emotinal energy to start this... the very first point is a no...

Don't you live together?

Stop involving your parents and other family in your marriage.

Stop talking and DO things.

OK makes sense to me... stop involving my parents.. I will start doing things.. I have been getting up early since 3 days... even before someon told me to do so... who will check back who will identify... is it wrong on my part to at least look for that person... I am not saying anything without doing things...

If you change, HE will change in reaction to you. Stop talking to him about your feelings and what is wrong and what you two could do. He wants concrete evidence, so DO things, like get up in the morning and don't slop around. What other things can you DO? (Men like action, not talk.)

Hahaha.. even women like the action.. they just talk in addition to it.. at least me... just talk was not doing anything for me too... I am not whiny and weak.. if I leav behind him he just one day pops out saying::" i dont like my life i hate all this .. i hatre my mom for taking too much care of me..... he expressed he wasnts to build some muscle and he borught some protien stuff .. he forgot to drink it.. he drank for 3 days and that powder is der... when he is back from office i offered him that.. then h said.. he will dink later or avoided it with a smile or drank for once and threw in flush....and suddenly somedays he starte saying u dont give me coffe u just take decisions from my side.....why r u traeting me liek kids .. i will have coffe.. a.d after a week he sees a guy with built .. all i get hear is him being silent and not telling me what happend .. and blaming himself that he dint do anything toget muscle and blaming me that i dont take care of him....and when i dont all i got was
" you don't love me blindly you don't do things that everyone else does.. u don't believe in god as other girls do... so I don't love u.. I never loved you I was blinded... ""

I want to focus on me.. in peace... atleast I desrve that.. I am hoping for support.. fighting to desrve that.. damn...
Not begging on it... I am sad to leave him behind and do stuff for myself.. we have been great being lazy and stupid.. but upgrade is not being noticed only being blamed on each other...

What can you do to be a better person and happier inside yourself?

Are your family and his Indian?

Yes absolutely.. indian.. his and mine too..

I want to start doing things that were mentioned handling my life.. but I am spending all my energy in facing things from everyone instaead of support... I donnow if I give birth to a child with physical or any kind of challenge... what is evryone that I claim to be family will do.. if I had to to do it alone then what's the point of being connected to someone.. what's the point in being married to someone.. .

I want to see a hope as I do in them.. I am typing till my hands hurt only to not to give up on them and not to judge on them.. so that I can ward off world judging my people at least...
For that I designed a strategy that if they know whtas going on.. and what is the impact may be they will change.. like what doctors do... observe understand... may be I am fihiting something big... being indian and a backdrop of it is a such a load on me for all this,, because its considered to be normal in there.. I told you already...
I want t o stop it before it bcomes a pressure... on me and on my life and mostly as I envision my future my kids...

I want my kids to grow up being some one to hold some one hand in need and take it up.. instaed of saying they are busy or occupied... and considering its OK being like that...

First, YOU have to be strong and be able to care for yourself. Do you work at a job outside the home?

My husband always says.. and said even now, I don't believe in god or some power... when you took some time and effort in helping me through why should not I respect to a level of my beliefs... that does no way mean I am disrespecting god... right now you are god to me.. I am not being poetic or klunatic or romantic about it... why is this simple point is not valid...

Why does my parents don't take time or interest in knowing at least what happened to me...
... and at least without knowing why how can I leave them or judge them.. or let someone else judge them.. why should I do that... why is that I want to slap the whole world for judging my parents and not trying to let them know what they did wrong.. so that they could rectify it and everything from there wuold be a fairytale but .and still claim friends to them... and cheat them.

Being consumed by life is a threat for real devolopment... it as simple as that why is it so tough for me to prove this... as you said they need action may be they will learn only when I destroy... and blow up like a car in jamesbond movie then may be then they will notice...

You talk too much. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

Do you have a job?

No I don't work outside home... I chose to be at home to at least understand this... I don't regret it too... cause I have had a lot of pity for beiing home... may be I told you when I was a child I faced timelessness for me from my parents.. and I see my husband from borading school and he had been in hostel all his life.. so I wanted be someone where home means something //// instaed of being busy and showy... I don't mean it towards anyone else... but its my life experience...

Is it acceptable if you get a job, maybe part time?

Woa.. that was rude may be... I talk... picking up points was not proving to be working for me so I am explanative and exapmling... its all to make it clear...
I am a homemaker.. it's a job for me... and working for money is a hobby...

Yes it is acceptiable... part time is I am looking for too... but my visa doesent allow me to work

What do you do all day as a homemaker? (Keep this simple. Do not write many paragraphs.)

I am retired from library work and used to be in charge of 25 volunteers who did many things at the library. Check with your library and ask about a volunteer job. That should be agreeable for your visa. (I had a volunteer named Padma with the same problem as you with a visa.)

I cook breakfast.. make lunch and set for pack for him.. claen up.. talk to everyone and update documents.. pay bills... take ime for myself.. . not from a month cause we are fighting.. or else we would go for a game together I make preparations for them.. make dinner play a sport.. shop around for stuff.. spread word for animal conservation... participate in activities in my community.. I pick myself up when ever I am down... I stay in touch.. I plan trips...

Yup... I was desperate for that I don't have car he takes it and I don't a bus to go around to library... its far.. I don't have a commute
... to be neutral he says he would drop me... he says why don't u strt that I will help you gte the.. and c'mon he cancles doctors appointment because he is busy so its upsetting again ant not dependable... its been 2 years we had a lunch together so libraray is a far idea...

I am planning to run... for a trget for a week.. lets see.. how it goes.. all I can really say is thanq for your effort and time I respect every word of u.. but my paragraphs are what they are so you being specific was helping me to keep it simple.. . I hope I can find someone like this even when I don't have a computer and internet... that is my final target... I am just trying to explain you what is it like with me here.. that is what I am facing.. .

Is this an arranged marriage? How old are you both, and how long have you known each other?