Ask Me Help Desk - Argument with my husband

Argument with my husband

My husband was drinking with his friends last night, ended up drinking some liquor that he shouldn't have had and became very mean to me. He told me I was a whore, his worst mistake ever was marrying me, and I don't do anything like cook and clean. I do clean but it's not as good as him so it doesn't count and when it comes to cooking I do it but not often. I'm tired with 2 kids and a job. He's told me before about the not cooking but I didn't think it bothered him this much for him to be sooo rude and nasty with. I don't know if I should leave or what? He was drunk so I don't know if he really feels that I was the worst mistake of his life :/. Any other time we get a long great except for lat night.

Does he work ? Does he drink often.

Of course he does not mean 1/2 of what he says drunk, he is drunk.

But do you and he take turns cooking and cleaning the house ?

You have two children AND a job? Does he help out with housework, the children, cooking at all?

Well he was drunk I'm sure he doesn't really mean it, I don't know your husband but most men just get drunk and talk **** but you should take turns in the cleaning and cooking he should look after the children too, if you just talk to him and say that he needs to start to help you then maybe you can talk some sense into his head, you shouldn't leave him he was just having a fun night out but if he does it all thee time and your fed up of it then you may consider leaving xx

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Does he work ? does he drink often.

Of course he does not mean 1/2 of what he says drunk, he is drunk.

but do you and he take turns cooking and cleaning the house ?

He always says a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts:/ I clean the house a lot. Not as good as he cleans it but it's still clean. Anytime we have company whether he cleans or I do they always say your house is so clean. Also when it comes to cooking no, he cooks more then me. I don't cool because he doesn't eat it do why waste food.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You have two children AND a job? Does he help out with housework, the children, cooking at all?

Yes, we have 2 kids and I have 2 jobs. He does cook and clean but I deal with the kids way more than he does. He'll come home kiss them then go outside to hang out with the neighbors while I deal with out 7month old who cries all the time and our 2 year old. He does work also

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Does he work ? does he drink often.

Of course he does not mean 1/2 of what he says drunk, he is drunk.

but do you and he take turns cooking and cleaning the house ?

Yes, he works fulltime and he drinks beer everyday! If he drank anything else his body would probably go into shock because it's use to beer. Lol

So he is a drunk. So why do you not clean well ? Is there an issue with your cooking ?

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Originally Posted by chlozeerz

well he was drunk im sure he doesnt really mean it, i dont know your husband but most men just get drunk and talk **** but you should take turns in the cleaning and cooking he should look after the children too, if you just talk to him and say that he needs to start to help you then maybe you can talk some sense into his head, you shouldnt leave him he was just having a fun night out but if he does it all thee time and your fed up of it then you may consider leaving xx

I just don't think it's right for any guy to get drunk and bash his wife or girlfriend for that matter. I do all that I can. I'm truly exhausted from waking up in the middle of the night with my 7month old then cleaning, bathing the kids and myself, getting us dressed, finding them a sitter so I can go to work at 3 while all he has to worry about is work. I want to feel a little more appreciated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

So he is a drunk. So why do you not clean well ? is there an issue with your cooking ?

She works two jobs and takes care of 2 kids. I would say she is tired. If he does not like her cooking, he should do it.

The man has a drinking problem and nasty as he was, he would be sleeping elsewhere. You don't say something that nasty to your wife without meaning it.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

So he is a drunk. So why do you not clean well ? is there an issue with your cooking ?

He doesn't think he is. He's told me before if I don't like him drinking he'll quit. I don't have a problem won him drinking because at the end of the day all the bills are paid. I clean just fine but he doesn't think so. I guess because I don't dust or mop the floor it's not good enough.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

She works two jobs and takes care of 2 kids. I would say she is tired. If he does not like her cooking, he should do it.

The man has a drinking problem and and nasty as he was, he would be sleeping elsewhere. You don't say something that nasty to your wife without meaning it.

That's how I feel. It was totally uncalled for. I was having a good time until he freaked out. I don't want my boys growing up thinking its okay to be disrespected.

Has he apologized for what he said?
He obviously has a problem with your cooking and cleaning. Have you thought about counseling? He also needs to stop drinking

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Has he apologized for what he said?
He obviously has a problem with your cooking and cleaning. Have you thought about counseling? He also needs to stop drinking

No, he hasn't apologized! He's stubborn and probably won't. Also, I know he doesn't like my cooking and cleaning but there's no reason for him to go off the way he did and as far as counseling he has sooo much built up anger inside from his childhood and refuses to talk about it do he won't see a counselor.

This is just me, but he would be gone. I would venture that it will happen again.

Time to sit down with paper and pencil and make a chore list, like a couple of roommates or parents with kids, only you are both the parents and the kids.
It sounds like you do more than he does! Draw a line down the middle, yours on one side of the page, his on the other, add up the minutes and hours, hang it on the fridge, and demand a little respect.
Got to say this, I think MEN are the ones who usually don't have a clue all that women do around the house, especially when infants are around.

Do not leave your husband over this. Talk to him. The marriage vows say "for better, for worse". If this is the worst it gets, then try to work through these problems. I am not saying that what he did was okay. By no means was it okay, but marriage is no bed of roses even in the best of situations. If you can work it out, work it out. Talk to him. Tell him how much he hurt and disrespected you, but remember you said that you get along great except for last night. This whole cooking and cleaning situation, and events of last night sound like one of those bumps in the highway of marriage that must be navigated. So please try to work it out. Do not just let this situation fester and cause even bigger problems.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Gotta say this, I think MEN are the ones who usually don't have a clue all that women do around the house, especially when infants are around.

My husband thinks I wipe up the spills too fast, am too eager to clean up the crumbs and fuzzballs ("they're not hurting anyone"), diapered the babies too often thereby wasting money on diapers when we finally got disposables, separated arguing children too much ("let them work it out")--all yelled out to me from his position on the recliner with TV remote firmly in hand. Yes, I fold the clothes and towels a certain way so they fit nicely in their own drawers; he will just toss them in willy-nilly with no folding or separation, clean socks tangled up with underwear and polo shirts and pjs. If my husband washes dishes, I have to check utensils (food stuck between fork tines) and plates and pots before I use them again. Maybe the OP is better off doing things her way without her husband making more work for her. He probably isn't interested in learning how she wants things to be done--or she may be willing to "give" as long as things get done. Or, like we finally did, work out a deal as to who does what around the house and yard.

P.S. Don't plan to come unannounced to my house for dinner.

Wondergirl, I'm a cross between you and your hubby. I can't stand food in the tines but toss the clean clothes in the drawers willy nilly. I like neat and clean, but like to spend as little time as possible on it.

As for things said when drunk, we all know what that can mean - absolutely nothing. We ALL have deep thoughts about people we know, people we live with, that are the opposite of warm and fuzzy! It doesn't make them the thoughts we have day in and day out, overall. There's got to be something about him you would say if you were drunk.

I know marriage is for better or for worse but a drinking problem and insults an emotional abuse, verbal abuse is a deal breaker.
She say everything was great up until then, but she also says he has complains about her cleaning and cooking, that he has anger issues and won't do counseling, so there are problems.
I think this is just the beginning.
But she knows him I don't but he would have to apologize for what he said. Acting like nothing happened is just not acceptable.

I know we say silly things when drunk or I should say people do, I do get drunk, but there is nothing worse than a nasty drunk and to say such nasty things to s spouse even when drunk is in my opinion questionable. I do think a lot of people say. Things they really mean when they are drunk.
I was married to a neat freak and he drove me nuts. Had me uncomfortable in my own home, insecure about myself. Needless to say he is my ex. I couldn't take it any longer, and I took it for over 30 years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Time to sit down with paper and pencil and make a chore list, like a couple of roommates or parents with kids, only you are both the parents and the kids.
It sounds like you do more than he does! Draw a line down the middle, yours on one side of the page, his on the other, add up the minutes and hours, hang it on the fridge, and demand a little respect.
Gotta say this, I think MEN are the ones who usually don't have a clue all that women do around the house, especially when infants are around.

Lol@chore list. I know it sounds childish but that something to think about then he can really see all the crap I do around the house. I tell him all the time that kids are a fulltime job. He doesn't believe it because he's not a fulltime dad. Don't get me wrong he does deal with the kids BUT that's because I work evenings and he has to.

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Originally Posted by msdebdardx4

Do not leave your husband over this. Talk to him. The marriage vows say "for better, for worse". If this is the worst it gets, then try to work through these problems. I am not saying that what he did was okay. By no means was it okay, but marriage is no bed of roses even in the best of situations. If you can work it out, work it out. Talk to him. Tell him how much he Fhurt and disrespected you, but remember you said that you get along great except for last night. This whole cooking and cleaning situation, and events of last night sound like one of those bumps in the highway of marriage that must be navigated. So please try to work it out. Do not just let this situation fester and cause even bigger problems.

Thank you! I feel a little better. I don't want to leave him for what he said I just feel he should apologize for what he's said. I didn't deserve that. He refuses to apologize because he said he meant it. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. He has so much anger built up inside from his childhood and his family. But me not "cooking or cleaning" is something I didn't do before we got married and you still married me. Again, I clean but don't cook. Also, your right no marriage or relationship is a walk in the park and again we never argue like that so that's why I couldn't just leave him. When I said "i do" that was it I will do anything to have out marriage work. We've been through a lot together. I also believe his friend started all this bs. His friend is an and a compulsive liar.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I know marriage is for better or for worse but a drinking problem and insults an emotional abuse, verbal abuse is a deal breaker.
She say everything was great up until then, but she also says he has complains about her cleaning and cooking, that he has anger issues and won't do counseling, so there are problems.
I think this is just the beginning.
But she knows him I don't but he would have to apologize for what he said. Acting like nothing happened is just not acceptable.

He's told me that if I have a problem with him drinking he'll quit. I don't really have a problem with him drinking But if this is how he's going to begin to act while drinking then he's has to stop. I also can't force him to seek counseling. I married him knowing he has anger issues. He's a really good man he is. He treats me very good except for this bs he pulled last night. I do want a apology and if I don't get one things won't be the same.

Could you and your husband maybe twice a week or on weekends plan a week's meals and cook some of them ahead and then freeze them, and maybe consider using a crockpot to cook suppers? In other words, make this a proactive, even fun, thing to do rather than let it descend into an argument and bad feelings?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Could you and your husband maybe twice a week or on weekends plan a week's meals and cook some of them ahead and then freeze them, and maybe consider using a crockpot to cook suppers? In other words, make this a proactive, even fun, thing to do rather than let it descend into an argument and bad feelings?

I'm sure we can. I don't have a problem with cooking it just when ido cook and you don't eat it then I don't want to anymore. But I'm going to start cooking more if that's his biggest issue. Oh and "cleaning" more. It would just stink if he gave up because of those 2things.

Stews and pot roasts and casseroles can be made over the weekend after some planning and shopping. Side dishes would be easy enough with all the possibilities that exist now in the grocery freezer case. We will all be glad to chip in easy recipe ideas. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Stews and pot roasts and casseroles can be made over the weekend after some planning and shopping. Side dishes would be easy enough with all the possibilities that exist now in the grocery freezer case. We will all be glad to chip in easy recipe ideas. :)

Thank you sooo much for your help. If this doesn't work then he has other issues with me that he hasn't addressed. But thanks again :) I really appreciate all the responses.

"He refuses to apologize because he said he meant it."

Well, so much for drunks not meaning what they say, in his case. The alcohol won't stop being a problem and will get worse unless he decides to put serious effort into stopping which for an alcoholic is a lifetime commitment usually.

Hoping for the best is not a strategy. You both need counseling and he needs help with the alcohol problem.

I agree smearcase. Those are awfully nasty things to say to your spouse and then say he's not sorry.
You guys need to do counseling. He will say things as nasty as he wants now. He knows he can get away with it.

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Originally Posted by ShauntaV

Thank you! I feel a little better. I don't want to leave him for what he said I just feel he should apologize for what he's said. I didn't deserve that. He refuses to apologize because he said he meant it. Talkin to him is like talking to a brick wall. He has so much anger built up inside from his childhood and his family. But me not "cooking or cleaning" is something I didn't do before we got married and you still married me. Again, i clean but dont cook. Also, your right no marriage or relationship is a walk in the park and again we never argue like that so that's why I couldn't just leave him. When i said "i do" that was it I will do anything to have out marriage work. We've been thru a lot together. I also believe his friend started all this bs. His friend is an and a compulsive liar.

I am glad you feel better, and I can tell by the tone of your other responses, that you feel hopeful about your situation. I do hope that your husband apologizes, and that you can work out your differences. I will leave you with a quote that I heard on the Dr. Laura Show many years ago: "Don't cut anything that you can untie." God Bless you and your husband.