DEAR forum users,

I am a married woman with a very active life. No children yet. 12 years ago I had a crush on a guy and the sexual attraction between us was extreme. Of course, it didn't work out, we had some encounters, but in the end we broke up and parted ways for good. No contact whatsoever. I sometimes saw him at my place of work, but it was random and easy to control. Meanwhile we both got married and time went by.
This year, though, I saw him by chance and his behaviour was quite awkward. I must say that the break up was pretty bad and we never spoke to each other again, we don't even say hi.
We met in the street in front of my place of work (bank) and he looked at me angrily, I didn't mind his presence, but when he passed by me, he bumped into me, as to get my attention. Ever since that happened, I cannot seem to be able to stop thinking about him and I don't know why, either. I saw him a couple of times after that and he still looks at me in anger. I know I don't want to ever make contact again as it would be inappropriate, still, I am afraid of the fact that I keep on thinking about the guy.
I hope to find answers here.

One way dealing this can be, think about your husband, the good and active life that you both are having and the happy moments.
Another way is to keep yourself busy, usually spending your free time with friends and family.
The third way is thought control, that is, by denying the fact that such a person exist, and not to think about him at all. Try your best and you can do this.
Glad that you know this will lead to complications and you have realized at an earlier stage, else it will turn out like a cancer. Why to complicate your smooth life? Wish you good luck

What is it that you think about? That you want another conversation? Regrets?

It's probably regrets for the way things ended, but I don't understand why is this coming to me after suuuuch a long time. There's also a powerful attraction that I have for this guy that I was able to put off for many years. I am a very sensible person and my reason is usually guarding me from doing erroneous things, so I know nothing will ever haappen, I will never contact him, never speak to him, I just wish his image would go away from my visual mind. It was probably love:)

My intention, when writing here was to understand his behaviour during our last encounter. Why would he act that way?

You could drive yourself potty thinking about that one. Who knows? Maybe he was already in a bad mood for any number of reasons. Whatever his problem was, keep it his problem don't make it yours. Just like a physical scab the more you pick at it the longer it will take to heal.

I suspect when you moved on the first time there was some unfinished business and this has just thrown you right back. Remind yourself that there were good reasons you broke up, and that you moved on before so you can do it again.

12 Years is a long time where one would forget all the hatred or anger if any. Bumping into you to get your attention, oh, you already know he did that to get your attention. So, him looking at you angrily is also a way to get your attention. You have had incidents of passing by before, right. But I don't think he showed this kind of behavior before, did he? I Think something wrong has happened at his end. But whatever that is, what are you planning to do about it? Lets say, another accidental bumping next time?

We've had several encounters before, but there was no incident. As I said before, we pretended we didn't see each other. You are quite right, there must be sth at his end:) I have no intention of accidentally bumping into him next time though, it will resolve nothing.

Very good. Men who are weak, do this when there is a problem which is hard for them to take it. And you don't want to get involved too, which you already know. Guess you are clear already and have the resolve to not to bother him next time.

Often times, break ups mean that you're strangers again. The reason you may notice him more is because you have history together. But since you basically are strangers again, then treat him like any other stranger you meet on the street. Just keep walking by because you don't even know each other.

Its not love, just curiosity at his antics, it will pass. Its like waiting for a pimple to pop, uncomfortable but when it does go away, its over.

I thought this pimple would take less than 12 years to pop:) How are you so sure it's not love? The truth is love is very hard to describe.

Of course it could have been love, people often have more then one love in a lifetime, however, its over, done and dusted.

What you have now is love? Is it not? A good life with a man you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

If he is still angry after all this time, its more reason to avoid him like the plague, he's not the same man he was, nor are you the same woman.

Have you said any of this to your husband?

You have nothing to resolve,you have moved on, his issues are his to address.

If your thinking about the passion you had with this guy a long time ago, why not focus that attention on your husband, change the direction of your thoughts, as you said yourself you have a good life, the harder you work at it, the better it will get.

I actually talked to mu husband about the entire situation. I love him too much to let anything like this come between us and I believe if he is aware of my inner emotional state, he will be able to help me cope. My problem here was the guy's attitude, his anger and disdain towards me... unexplained actually:) I cannot stand being hated or despised, I have changed a lot over time and I believe, unlike my young self, my adult self is worthy of different feelings, like respect. Having had such deep feelings for this guy, I suspect it hurts for me to see him dislike me so and this is why all has come back to haunt me:)

This may come as quite a shock but I'm betting there's one then one person out there who does not like you, the up side of that is you don't have to eat dinner with them or live with them, as long as you like you and the people who are important to you like you, don't lose sleep over it.

As you say your adult self is worthy of respect, so don't bother with people who don't respect you, including the ex.

Perhaps its time to let sleeping dogs lie, if your ex does not like you anymore, so what! He's an ex for a good reason, and one more thing, if you were still with him you would never have met your husband nor enjoyed the relationship you have now.

Some relationships are for learning and others are for keeps.

In theory, all these are facts and they are worthy to be taken into consideration, but what I am struggling with is exactly what has escaped my rational mind. I am aware I should not bother, I am aware it's all in the past, I am aware of my perfect little life and how I would so anything to protect it, but, as I said before, I suddenly started to think about him and what triggered this was the encounter, and I have no idea why this happened and how to stop it. Of course, I did everything possible and I am going to keep up the healthy attitude towards this, still, I am asking the users here why they think this happened to me and what lies underneath this situation. All the answers so far have been really helpful:) Thanks

Maybe try to think about this 'bump' in another way.

In 12 years, he doesn't sound like he has matured much- with the angry looks and deliberately bumping you to get your attention. Maybe he sees you as the woman that got away, and no other woman has measured up. Maybe he's had a string of bad luck, broken relationships, and an unhappy marriage or two.

Perhaps his anger toward you is because of his immaturity (what adult does that to another), miserable life, unresolved conflicts swirling around in his head, and a need to find somebody to blame, or direct his anger to.

He has 'bumped' you back to 12 years ago, and has opened up that file in your memory that was long ago closed. For whatever reason, he wants a reaction from you, and you keep going through the file looking for reasons as to why.

You will most likely never know.

If he is angry enough to show his anger, without any obvious reason, and act on that anger, any reaction from you could give him, or provide him with some satisfaction, in that his anger is not misplaced. He may get more angry, if you speak to him.

And, even though you are doing the right thing now, and you did the right thing in telling your husband what is going on, I urge you to take this disturbed man seriously. He may try other tactics such as email, FB, IM, phoning you, etc. You may suddenly find him next to your car at quitting time, or passing by you in the grocery store. This may sound like overkill, but record dates, times, and details. In his mind, obvioulsy, he has reasons for wanting contact, even if right now it's 'just' dirty looks that clearly show anger, or 'accidentally' bumping into you. These are not accidents. He was waiting for an opportunity.

Protect yourself. Be careful. Keep track of any contact whatsoever. Try to look at this not as him still being angry about the bad breakup (he should have long ago moved on), but as a man with some sort of grudge who has directed his anger, and now behaviour, toward you.

Be careful.

Doesn't matter what triggered your feelings, all that matters is what you do about it. Just me, I don't dwell on old feelings, and don't act on them either. Just go about your business and let them pass like they are supposed to. The busier, the better, as new, more important feelings will push the old ones aside.

Why keep picking at old wounds that should have healed and been forgotten? Could be you are over thinking some things here, and making them more important than they really are?

That's never the exes fault.

I think you need to stop treating him any differently than you do anyone else. It is giving him an importance in your thoughts that he hasn't earned and kept. Be polite as you would be to anyone else. If he responds with anger that is his issue as all of his responses always have been.

It sounds like you are someone who wants everyone to be happy or get along (within reason) and part of your conflict is that you may feel some responsibility for his not being happy and getting along with you. Lesson to learn, you don't. You are only responsible for your own actions and reactions.

It is probably hitting you hard right now because either you are extremely happy or there are issues you aren't facing in your life. I think it could be a mixture of the two. Are things at home as 'perfect' as you want to believe or have others think? It doesn't even have to be major issues. It could be small ones causing an irritation that is allowing the issue with the ex to seem to be more prominent than it usually is.

It's not uncommon for people to allow one issue that they have no real control over to take prominence over ones that they are not consciously aware of or having a harder time dealing with.

I am glad that you are talking to your husband. Good communications will help you build a strong marriage.

You talked this over with your husband , out of love and respect.

What a refreshing thing to hear.
Trust , honesty, and dignity still live.

A first love can be held as "special" for life no matter how badly it ended.
This can cause strong emotional triggers that are like a reflex and be seeking
that "special" feeling again.

I have much faith you will get by this due to an intelligent rational approach.
Well done.

He has had 12 years of life experiences you know nothing about. He may have acted like he did because of many things that do not even relate to the two of you. And there is a possibility of misunderstanding what his actions really involved.
Too many variables in the equation to reach a solid answer.

Now this could be true. I have given a thought or two on the matter, my relationship with my husband is a long term and we never fight, we never even argue, we are the most stable couple we know. We trust each other, we spend time together, our intimacy is amazing and one of the reason why we are postponing children is exactly the fact that we want to stay with each other a little bit more:) The issues (if any) could come from my professional life, which is not so perfect lately. I sometimes feel that I haven't fulfilled my goals and I demand more from myself. The link with my former boyfriend could be due to his success at my place of work (he holds a better position in the bank) and the fact that I want to prove myself. The question is why would I want to prove myself to him? There is no competition between us and I don't think he expects me to.

Discussing things with spouses, the direct approach, no matter how harsh, has always been my no. one advice to anybody that has ever asked me how to make a marriage last forever:) Thank you for your kind answer.

I've always liked these straight answers. I would love to be able to do that and I am positive I will. The thing is, I am an over-thinker when it comes to this guy. I give importance to certain people and certain thoughts because they have left a specific mark on my existence. Along the time, I have met plenty of human beings that display awkward behaviour and I did not mind, I even pointed out things and moved on. No paranoia, nothing:) This time, I believe it will be a little bit harder, though.

I hope not. He is an honourable man. I have a very short record of men in my life, but they have all been outstanding, as human beings. It could be, of course gossip at the place of work, someone reminding him of me and him being upset or feeling uncomfortable with this, but I have never heard anybody say anything, so it makes me wonder. We are, as I said, both married and I do hope he is happily married to. He deserves it. During our short relationship I have made a lot of mistakes (blame it on the age and hormones:) and I also have a sense of guilt in his presence.

Could a subconscious part of your brain be 'blaming' his 'anger' for you not being further ahead than you are? We aren't talking about the rational and ordered part that obviously knows it isn't true, but a tiny part that is looking for reasons outside of yourself. To keep from fully thinking about those irrational feelings, could you be focusing on the past personal ones?

Not logical, but very human.

The fact that he was displaying non verbal aggressive cues - eyes squinting, straightening position of the body, passed by me and invaded my personal space - was a general fright/scare and combined with all the history that I thought had died, they all make a recipe for distress. Explainable. You do make a valid point here and I will take it into consideration .

If you really are struggling to move on from this may I suggest you try writing him a letter - one you aren't going to send I might add.

Write to him telling him how you felt in the past, how him behaving like a jerk recently made you feel, and how you feel at the end of it. Don't focus on his feelings but on yours, though of course you can write how not understanding his behaviour has made you feel.

Then burn it or tear it into lots of little pieces.

It's a tactic I have found helpful in the past in releasing feelings which have got stuck.