I have been married for about five yrs. I recently adopted a son from a young friend right at birth as I have been unsuccessful to conceive on my own. My husband was my night in shinning armor and my best friend from the moment I laid eyes on him. We had a money poor rough start and with in a month of being together we moved to a different state where my family is located. (He really doesn't have family other than a sister we haven't heard from since we moved).

Anyway things were great until him normal since day one drinking got worse... the first 3yrs he had cheated on me with several woman and it crushed my world. He promised he'd quit drinking if I stayed. That lasted a whole 3 months. Well when he drinks he's always sneaky about it. I quit drinking before I was 21 so I kind of resent alcohol and at first thought it was just my biased opinion. But it started getting worse. He gets mad when I say anything when he's drinking and it always starts with hateful names and belittling and 6 out of 10 times it ends with physical abuse.

Recently he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around. The next morning its always I'm sorry baby I was wrong bs... But I have too much pride in how our relationship looks in the public that I never share the bad with anyone not family nor friend. Never have and don't know if I even could. I make him look like the perfect man. But he's not. He tells me he's going to run to the store 2 blocks away and he'll leave at 4pm and come home at 3am and think I'm the one with a problem.

We recently got in trouble and because of his past record he ended up going to prison for a yr. I worked the 80 work week to provide for him and I and preparing for my son (he was 5.months when my husband got out of prison).. since he got out of prison its been to the same thing and he refuses to wear his wedding ring saying its normal for a man not to or its normal for a man to be out all night drinking and I'm just trying to hold him back and being his mama and all that crap. Well keep in mind its about 3 nights a week he does this. Doesn't matter on the day of the week.

I tell him husbands are suppose to be home with their family.. he always seems to do it on bad days for me like when. I get bad news or am sick... does it on my birthdays seems like anything important to me he's got to screw up... I just don't know what to do anymore I'm 27 and having to start on blood pressure medication cause I'm so stressed...

I just think he's 31 he should be grown up but I'm so wrong. I just can't see myself with out him but in the same words I know I don't deserve to be around someone that refuses to help themselves out of alcoholism or bad habits. He's on parole and I have to worry about him getting and trouble with his drinking and going back to prison. I keep track of all his legal matters or anything in his life and I just wish I would grow a man in him one day but when do I say enough is enough. Please help

I'm so sorry; it sounds like a very unsatisfying relationship at this time. You can't make somebody be what they don't want to be. I wish you all the best in your decision about what to do. Do you have someplace safe to go if you need to?

Before you can save your marriage, you have to save yourself.

Do you have family and friends to support you right now? If you do seek them out and tell them you need their help right now. That when you lay it out for him, and get him out of your life.

Pride goeth before a fall, and there is no pride in staying with him. If he can't get his act together without you, that's his problem, and one you don't need.

Thanks both for your words. If needed be yes I could always go to a hotel or something and if I would let people in on what's going on id have a lot of family support. I know that he wants to fix things. He was more real with his feelings last night in the middle of the night then I've ever heard him be. He told me that if I needed to leave for a while he would understand and that I don't deserve how and all the things he's put me threw.. obvious. But he told me not to give up on him now we've come too far. That's the part that gets me because I've got him to where he admits (at tymes) that he does have a problem. But as his wife and friend I feel obligated to support however the environment is not what I want my son to experience. I know he's only 9 months however very soon he will start to relize that mom and dad fight bad and its not normal. I sit and think that my husband needs a wake up call cause I HAVE ALWAYS. Been at his side no matter what. Makes me think if I'm not there one day, maybe he will get the clue that everything can become unpermant and may he needs to work a little harder on those things that hold him back. Its just that I live and breathe the medical field and I know that alcoholism is a true disease. And it is a tough one to crack but like obsesity.. u can blame science, anatomy but it ultimately comes down to the selfs actions and what one chooses to do. There is help but you have to take the steps. I thought about getting him into some private help like cousinling but then I stop and thing... am I doing too much for him again?

Your enabling him by helping him, he needs to see and do for himself.

Its not just about you this time you have a small son to consider.

Time for him to leave and get help,time for you to start breathing again instead of holding your breathe for the next drinking session and wondering what's going to happen today.

It does not have to mean the end of the marriage. But it can mean the beginning of healing for you both.

Once you start telling people what's really happening things will start to change, because you have never done that before, it will start a chain reaction.

OR, you can stay, do nothing and hope he does not kill you one violent drunk night.

You support your partner when he is doing the right things for the right reasons.

When he is doing the wrong thing, you kick him to the curb.

All he is doing now is talking, and that doesn't mean a darn thing does it?

May I ask why your husband went to prison for a year? The answer to that question might have some bearing on future answers here.

Who is going to care for your son when this monster kills you?

Emotional and mental abuse is bad enough, and sometime can scar for a lifetime, but physical abuse like you describe can only escalate.

Right now, though, you need to pack a bag, grab your son, and get as far away from this abuse as possible.

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Recently he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around. The next morning its always I'm sorry baby I was wrong bs... But I have too much pride in how our relationship looks in the public that I never share the bad with anyone not family nor friend. Never have and don't know if I even could. I make him look like the perfect man. But he's not. He tells me he's going to run to the store 2 blocks away and he'll leave at 4pm and come home at 3am and think I'm the one with a problem.

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This is called the cycle of abuse. I implore you, no I beg you to check out this website to see if any of this sounds familiar to you.

The Cycle of Abuse | thesafespace.org

We both got arrested for possession of weed on a vacation. My record was clean so after I finish my 5yrs of probation my recordis wiped clean. He on the other hand has done prison time before I met him so he had to go back on this charge. For most of my adult life I made extra money selling to support myself and who ever I was with. I have always workd and have honestly never gone more than 2 weeks with out a job. If my husband didn't have one which would only be because someone didn't want to hire him due to his record I then workd double. I do have to hand it to my man though he is a very hard worker and doesn't get fired all the jobs he's lost is because of bankruptcy or company closing. Anyway before anyone judges I on my past choices I have had a rough life being adopted and being a different race than my family on top of losing my dad and not getting along with my stepdad etc I've been on my own since I was in 6th grade, my husband started down the wrong path when his mother was killd and left with no one but his baby sister. On my behalf I know my history isnot an excuse. I got a big wake up call when my family was torn apart and I reliezed this was not worth it. It was NOTHING for me to quit it all and since then I have went back to school got my med assistant lisc. And my phlebotomy resigration so I have learned and bettered myself. On his behalf he had to quit... it just seems to be unbareable for him to be sober, I can't see how he can hate his life so much, he admitted that all the wrongs in his life he takes out on me.. well hell he needs to deal with them and not shove the only one there for him.
And your right talking doesn't really do anything for me anymore other than reasure me that he's not leaving me. Ive always told him if anyone is to be leaving its going to be me leaving him. But for the first time I threw the words divorce out last night and took off my rings told him if our rings that symbol our love and commentment isn't important for you to wear then it isn't going to be fore meeither. I also told him I refuse to be or my son to be a burden on your precious life that Ill leave so that it will fix everything for you.
And I will look at the cycle of abuse link. I appricate your advice. I tolerate the physical because I feel the root problem is the drinking. He is the most wonderfulest man if he's not drinking or mad cause he isn't drinking. I've had knives, guns it all but I just feel like I break the drinking its going to to be the end of his demons but I can't do it for him. I'm just scared to be all by myself even though I'm one of the most indepenant woman one will meet. That uncomfortablity is fritnening if one sits and ponders it.
On a side note you all are great. I don't have anyone I talk to so it all just builds up inside me and stress can kill. I last resort found this site off googing the very question I had orignaly asked, I think another ones outside perspective can in the end save lives physically and mentally.. thank you all and I am taking in everything you guys are saying openingly cause apparntly what I'm doing hasn't workd for me so far:-(

If you think the root cause is the drinking, you should go to an Alanon meeting. It's for families of alcoholics, and I think you'll get a LOT of good support there. Whether you man quits drinking or not, you can go to it. It's free and you know what else? It's a start. It's something you can do right away to feel like you are taking control of your life.

Sweetie, your marriage may be worth fixing but you need to get out... NOW! It doesn't matter WHY your husband is like this but it does matter that he is abusing you. The best thing that you can do for him, your adopted child and yourself is to get out and get help. The worse thing that you can do is make excuses for him.

I understand that you have both had a rough go of it in life. I'm sure it's been very hard on both of you. The thing is, you both have adult choices to make in life. He is making all the wrong ones and will continue to do so until he gets help. He can't do that as long as he has you in his life because you, my dear woman, are an enabler. You just love him so much and have so little self-worth that you enable him to drink, hurt you and mistreat you.

Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you. I just need you to understand that for right now, you being there is not helping him. It's also not helping you, and will hurt your child, too.

Listen to what you have said to us...

1. since day one drinking got worse
2. the first 3yrs he had cheated on me with several woman and it crushed my world
3. when he drinks he's always sneaky about it
4. He gets mad when I say anything when he's drinking and it always starts with hateful names and belittling and 6 out of 10 times it ends with physical abuse.
5. he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around
6. he'll leave at 4pm and come home at 3am
7. he ended up going to prison for a yr
8. he refuses to wear his wedding ring
9. 3 nights a week he is out all night drinking
10. I have to worry about him getting n trouble with his drinking and going back to prison
11. I keep track of all his legal matters or anything in his life
12. The environment is not what I want my son to experience
13. I tolerate the physical because I feel the root problem is the drinking
14. I'm just scared to be all by myself

Those things say so very much. Listen to me... you MUST get out. You can still plan on being together if that's what you believe you want. You can go to Al-Anon (in fact, you should because you will learn an awful lot about how you are actually enabling him). However, what he is doing to you is so wrong and you must look after yourself. That little baby you are caring for needs you to raise him up right and the ONLY way you can do that is to start looking after yourself. If you don't gain self-worth and self-respect then your child will probably be just as abusive, if not more-so (and just as unhappy) as your husband.

I don't know where you live, but there are many places you can call or even go to for support. If you are having trouble finding one, please let me know. I really think you should approach them and listen to what they have to say. Also, take a few moments to make sure you are safe. Start putting away some cash somewhere where he won't find it. Tell all of your friends and family what has been going on and ask for their support. No more secrets! No more isolation! That is an important step. Start making a plan. Stop taking responsibility for his actions. He IS capable of making the right decisions in life. He IS capable of NOT abusing you. He IS also capable of NOT drinking.

Here is a very good page. Please read it and check out some of the links. Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

If you need to talk, I and others are here, but please, please start putting you and your adopted child first.

Warm hugs,
Didi

I also wanted to add that your husband's behavior shows that he is crying out for help. You can't help him. He needs to help himself and he can't do so until he hits rock bottom. It would be far better for him to hit rock bottom because you moved out instead of because he killed you by mistake in a fit of rage. If you love him, if you love you, or if you love your adopted child... you must move out and both of you must heal. It is possible.

Hugs, Didi

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Originally Posted by phodawbar

Recently he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around.

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This sentence is what bothers me the most about this post. He's choking you as well as hitting you? This is abuse, it has little to do with the alcohol.

You have to realize that your son, as he grows, will look up to this man. He will think that abusing women is a normal every day activity. He will grow up to abuse his spouse one day. If you ever have a daughter, she will grow up thinking she is supposed to be abused and will get into a relationship where her spouse hits her. Is this what you want for your child/children?

Honey, you can't help him. He can only help himself only when, and if, he is good and ready to. He may never be ready to help himself. But, you can help yourself.

I just want to give you some encouragement, because I was in a similar relationship when I was your age and I finally got out. It was really hard, because we were in love, but like you I was enabling his bad behavior. I thought that I was doing the right thing by staying in the relationship and making it work and I knew that it was up to me because he was an alcoholic and even when he did sober up by a court mandate, he was just a dry, angry drunk. Anyhow, I went to some meetings for women and I read a book called "Codependent No More". I realized that I had to leave if I wanted children and that I couldn't continue to wait for him to get better. Now several years later I am re-married and even though I still feel a lot for my ex, I am so much better off and my future children will be too. My new husband never drinks and he is a really good provider. I want a better life for you and your baby, too. I hope you take care of the two of you and let your husband take care of himself-even if that means he has to self-destruct and hit bottom before he mans up and gets control of his demons.

1st off again. I can't express enough how much hope you guys are giving me just lettning me know I'm worth you taking the time to give me advice. He has simmered way down since he talked to me thursnight telling me his innerfeelings. And were on day 3 of no drinking. I think when I threw the word divorce out it may have made him wake up some.. however I know that problem aren't that easy of a fix. I have some money put awaY and the very next slight clue of another incendent I'm out and hopefully it will be a wake up call because I don't want to be with someone else and always feel loss of love for my husband but sometymes you have to sacrifice to get to your goal and I just hope and pray it works. I plan on checking into the counciling groups suggested cause regardless if this happens again or not I will at least have the knowledge

On top of all this I know its really startn to affect my health ontop of my bloodpressure I've been having nigh horrors worse than bad dreams and I don't want to live with a heavy heart all the time I want to move forward in life be successful and most important happy and content with my life and family

Alanon is a good source of knowledge and support, as this is a heavy burden to shoulder on your own. A little help can't hurt.

Lets not lose sight of the fact he is a dangerous drunk! Protect yourself, at all times on all levels.

Sweetie, I have no doubt that your husband loves you and is sorry for what he says and does. The trouble is, he is presently making a choice in his life and sadly, the choice is the drinking and abuse. By staying with him you are, in essence, giving him permission to continue.

I can see that your husband is drinking to escape pain. However, drinking doesn't make the pain go away! It dulls the pain for awhile, then, as the person sobers up, the pain is BAM! In their face again. Only it seems so much worse every time. This is partly because they have dulled it by the drinking and partly because their action when they are drinking add more pain. Your husband is in so much pain over the loss of his mother. It needs to be dealt with. YOU can't help him, no matter what you do or say. It must come from within him and only when he is forced to hit rock bottom so there is no way to go except to make it better. This will take time. The first step of that will likely be losing you and your son.

I'm not saying he won't change! I don't think you should give up on your marriage. In fact, I urge you to be supportive. HOWEVER, you can't be supportive by staying in a dangerous situation. You need to take the baby and get out. You need to surround yourself with as much emotional support as you can. I would highly recommend you go to Al-Anon meetings weekly, and perhaps once every 4 to 6 weeks go to an open AA meeting. That helps you to see the other side of it. Look after you and your son, but telll your husband that you do love him and your leaving is not to end things, but to give him the opportunity to prove to you that he really does want to change things. Tell him that while you are apart you are willing to go to marriage or couples counselling with him. Tell him that once he is sober for three months and if he seems to be handling his anger with a therapist instead of acting it out, that you will meet him with the baby in a public place once a week. Tell him you will need time to trust him again, but you are willing to work on it as long as he is showing you that he is. If he wants to build trust he must learn other ways of expressing his anger and must stop all drinking and drugs.

Call the battered women's shelter near you and go and speak to them. See if you can participate in a few group sessions. If not, ask them where you can get some help from women who have been through a similar experience.

Remember, after being hit, choked, put down, etc. it is typical abuser behavior to act the way your husband does. This is a particularly vulnerable time for the abused partner. It's easy to believe in someone's words. I'm sorry, but you have to appreciate that you have more worth than that. Words are not enough! You need to see the actions of someone who loves you.

If you don't get the help you need and ensure and the baby are safe I guarantee that the abuse will continue to get worse. Your husband's pain, the longer he goes without getting the help he needs gets worse. The worse his pain, the worse his anger. There are some things that need intervention. Alcoholism almost always does. The pain of loss and bereavement almost always does. Abuse does. You can't fix it. He can't fix it without the help of a professional. One of the best things you can do for your husband is to learn to let go and let God. You will both learn to live one day at a time. You will learn that he needs to go through his pain to heal and that in the process of going through his pain he will be capable of a lot more violence that he uses now.

I hope that you realize that you are repeating an old pattern that you have already admitted is not working. Try something new this time. It will be difficult, it will be strange, it will be frightening at times. However, if you give it a chance you will realize that you actually feel the sun coming up every morning. You both have so much work to do and if you do it with the same common goal you will have a strong, healthy relationship. Trust me, it will seem like a lot of work just thinking about it; but once you DO it... you will realize it is sooooo much easier than what you have been doing for the past 5+ years.

Hugs, Didi

You guys are all right. I honestly think I'm just going to give up on him on us and the thought of a family together. He is just so hateful but yet I do everything I can for him. Yesterday we said maybe a handful of words to each other and most consisted about our son. Anythng else is said I got snapd at for no reason.. HE IS SO MISERABLE INSIDE. And refuses any help. Says only God can help him but God works thro people and he refuses them. I can't live my life this way but yet he's the only way I want to live at the moment. I can't figure out how and what I can have possibly have done. But I'm throwing my hands up. Think reality hit when I woke up tonight and tried to touch him and he moved as far away fromme in the bed he could possible move and he was asleep. He does in unconscience so that tells me the true feelings. Again thank you all I'm just sitting in myself pitty right now feeling as alone as I possibly can

Its just sad on my part because I'm starting to lose my cool and I usually can control it

He has drank anything in almost a week but he's making me just as miserable as if he was other than I at least know he's at home during the night comfort

Honey, you haven't done ANYTHING! These are his demons to work out and they have nothing to do with you.

Unfortunately it is going to take him hitting rock bottom to see what he has done to himself. You can't help him. You just can't no matter how much you want to help him, there is nothing you can do.

You can help him hit rock bottom though by leaving him. Take your son and yourself to a SAFE place. It is not safe with him.

Maybe he has not taken a drink in a week, but the withdrawals will be kicking in soon, if they haven't already. You don't want to be around him when they DO kick in.

I see you have not availed yourself of any knowledge, help, or support, through the Alanon site. Expecting better results after only a week of not drinking is very unrealistic, and close to impossible. The process really does take a lot more work, and understanding than that and could take YEARS.

Its not you he battles now but himself, because he probably wants a drink but is fighting with just his own will. You both have to get the right GUIDANCE and SUPPORT from the right place to be successful. This is to big a challenge for two people who don't know what they are up against.

That's the only thing you are doing wrong, not getting the help that YOU need, so how can you possibly help someone who suffers with what he is going through? Your are putting yourself through some very unnecessary danger, and setting yourself up for failure. Both of you. Get yourself involved in ALANON, and learn the correct things to do, or leave before things get worse than what they already are.

Just because he refuses to let God work through other people, doesn't mean you follow HIS example. Go get the right help for you, or else you are no good to him, and that's a problem you have control over.

Had to spread the rep, Talaniman. You are right on the mark here. Phodawbar, instead of seeing this as a fault situation you must understand the illness of addiction. Imagine how very hard it has been for YOU to listen to, then heed our advice. How many Al-Anon meetings have YOU been to? How many places have you looked at as a possible new home for you and your son? How much did you read of the links we provided for you? How much money have you stashed away for your 'save your life' plan? How many women's shelters have you contacted? I believe I said somewhere (and if I didn't, I should have) that you need to let go and let God.

Your primary responsibility in all of this is to do what is necessary to keep you and your child safe and happy. If you want to feel 'bad' or 'guilty' about anything, then that is where your responsibility lies right now. It serves no purpose to feel bad, guilty or irresponsible. The only thing that matters is to grasp on to the knowledge that you have and do what you CAN do for you and your child.

Your husband is probably in a very, very bad place right now. That has NOTHING to do with you. Let him own his problems and you own yours. Treat him with love and respect. Don't tell him what he needs to do anymore. He, like you, KNOWS what to do. Both of you just have to put that knowledge to work for yourselves right now.

Your little guy, whether you want to admit it or not, is affected by every decision you make... or don't make right now. He needs at least one of you to start acting responsibly. We can talk until we're blue in the face telling you what to do. It won't change anything unless you actually DO it. We have given you the tools you require to change things and be happy. You and probably others have given your husband the tools he requires. The question is... what are YOU going to do with YOURS?

Hugs, Didi

I actuallyhave checked into the Alanon and located a group that meets in my town I live in however the woman who runs it also reports to my husbands parole officer cause she's head of the treatment programs in the court systems as well and she knows who I am so.. I know that there's hippa laws but I don't trust they won't be broken. I'm tryn to help not get him in more trouble which would elevate stress on his end which might lead to drinking. I got a appt set up thro a counciler (best in the area) and actually my job has a program the pays for this which is nice I thought. Pays for 3 sessions for every issue that comes up for you. Anyway he's known for acohol and drug abuse therpy and I thought it would be a small step but none the less a step just to in person talk about my personal issues cause I explained how I don't talk to anyone about my issues in fear of judgement or possibility someone will see weakness and may be think they can go after my husband I know that's silly but I don't trust his self control even though I'm comfident he hasn't cheated since that horrible 6months several yrs ago. But he's considered really good looking and very popular with every one and I'm sitn with a weight problem due to pcos. Even though he tells me I'm the most beautiful thing, one tends to thnk differently about oneself. Hopefuly my inner confidence comes back after my weight program and lapband surgery is completed and the next couple of months (then on to my back surgery uggg :-( )anyways I know I side track but if I went to a group meetn in the town I live or the othr one I work in I'm just afraid sumone will know me so I took the first step to get startd reachn out. I'm sure ill get to the main goal and tyme. Savings wise I have about $1300 set back for emergencies and will use it if I feel I need to leave at the drop of a hat. Cause at the moment I'm just going thro daily routines just the basic stuff to keep things drama free as possible. I just don't know where I could go and of course nothing looks acceptable because I don't want to leave my home that I take pride in even though it's a petty excuse. But I do have the moneythere in case like I said earlier if he attempts to thnk about raising a pinky.. I would feel like a demon if I took my son away from my husb and.. u can just see it in the smile on boths faces and I kind of wonder if that all my husband sees as positive and his life. But I have mentiond.. yelling and calln me names and whatever that my son sees that and I refuse to let him believe that's anywhere close to right.

I don't want to be redundant but just a general question:
What is normal behavoirs of a 30 and a little yr old man that's a husband and a father of a baby.
What is considered being out to late and how often is going out too much? Is it irresponsible for one to ignore their phone when they have the only car in the family? Where is the line that determine is one drinks too much?
I get accused of holding my husband a prisoner (by him) in our house cause I want him to be home with his family. I'm sure I issocolate myself cause the only going out I do outside of work and schedule is to walmart to shop some just to get away from life. Am I to controlling and do I run a prison? I'm laying out everything unbiased for a outside perspective so that maybe what ever is said won't or will make me or him in the wrong and educate for hopefully further improvement.

Does he have a job? What time does he get up in the morning? Are you a responsible wife and mother (and set a good example for him)?

My husband worked for AT&T and had to be at work by 7 after driving for an hour in rush-hour traffic to get to the phone office. When he got home at night, all he could manage was to drag himself to the dinner table and then fall asleep on the couch for a nap before bedtime. No bars for him.

My fiancé works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week, he goes out on a Friday evening and is usually home by 11, he might have 3 or 4 pints and a game of pool its 'guy' time and down time after the week, we go out as a couple once a month,my down time on a Friday is a bath, a good book and amhd!if I'm working late and he is home he makes the dinner, tidy's up etc,we take turns during the week and work together in the house and garden on the weekends, our routine came about from a conversation we had in the early part of our relationship, on what is expected of each other and what were dealbreakers for each other.

If you want to change your home life you need to have an honest and open conversation with your husband, if you have both had enough of the fighting and sniping of the current routine, you both need to be on the same page to change it.

If you can't come to a happier arrangement together perhaps an unbiased 3rd party can help, example, a marriage counsellor.

Finding time in the week just for you 'me time' can greatly improve your feelings of isolation, even just going for a walk with a friend, if you have no friends maybe a family member or ask an neighbour, or join a walking group,go for a swim,join a class, finding an outside interest that is just yours.

There's no right or wrong here, just no communication on the needs of each other and the needs of your relationship.

It's going to be so different from couple to couple as each with have their own circumstances and comfort level. Some people need more alone time than others, some need more couple time, some find getting out with friends once in awhile helps them unwind a bit and be better partners when they are together at home.

My husband is gone for weeks at a time, but we talk a few times each day and are together just about the whole time when he does get home for a few days.

As was said, you need to have a sit down discussion over it and come to a compromise. Even if you have to make a specific schedule, as red said... Friday nights are guys night out for example and Saturdays are family or couple night.

On the phone issue... I do think that is important since you only have one car, but you may also have to discuss that. It certainly would be common courtesy for him to keep you informed of where he is and an approximate time of when he might be home, and, on your part, being careful not to call 4 times in an evening to check up on him kind of thing.

Discuss it and come to a happy medium that you both can be comfortable with.

Yes he works pretty hard. 6a to 2p mon thro fri, then walks a couple blks to pick our son up from daycare after work. And yes I consider myself responsible. I work from 830ish to about 5:30ish mon-fri and go to the gym mon, wed, fri and get home about 7p. I work in a nother town. I manage all the bills and appts with the family and about everything else. He doesn't have to worry about anythng other than getting a paycheck.
Anytime he does stay home he's in bed 9ish and usually until then is playing his games. When he goes out I'm told he's running to get something and then he's gone for 8 some hrs and comes home round 2 or 3am. Its not every night just inconvient nights. And ill tell him choose your priorities and its always not us. Are marriage is a bit rocky due to his increased drinking and bad moods all the time. But the few time between he is the sweetest human in the world. I just have a bad tolerance for drinking due to me quiting before I waas even 21. And I HATE it when he even touches it cause it seems to consume his life.
I really wish I had a conversation with him about expectations and dealbreakers. I might actually still have that conversation when I can find him In a open mindset. Cause I know he just wants to get out in chill but any mess in life he creates I end cleaning up. I want to go to a marrige consulor SO BAD but he refuses to go. I may end up going to a therpist anyway but I know it will take both of us to fix a rocky relationship.
I might try to set outside my comfort and find some 'friends' to hang out with. I am a big people person just leave aquaintances at the door and don't have anyone I hang out with or talk to and not comfortable with family either. I thought if maybe I started doing what he does (going out for long periods of time) maybe he'd see it as a different perspective of how it feels on the other side but I can also see it going in a worse direction cause I caan almost garreentee I'm cheating on him, especaily if I don't answer the phone. That's an almost gareentee even though I've never broke his trust to his knowledge and he has mine and thinks I'm just going to revenge.
I do 'blow' up his phone with calls but its usually because I'm angry knowing he didn't just go the store 2blks away for something like he promised he was. And I know that's the only way he'd be able to get out cause id tell him hell no if he wanted to go to so and sos house. I just hate seeing my husband drunk. It makes him look pitaful and completely pathetic to me. I don't even like him to talk to me when he's that way cause it esclades fast negative. I know I have issues which I'm sure your going to let me know but I don't have the trust to be comfortable with his decisions and it drives me crazy. Id be on the verge of falling asleep when I get home somedays and when he leaves I can not sleep cause I'm stressing so much. He lies about lies like I'm stupid but that's his way to get away but I just want him to grow up and I'm almost 5yrs younger than him.
I mean don't get me wrong he is an excellent husband when he wants to be. And an excellent dad. We have gone from below rock bottom to where we are now. I think both of us believe we have gone thro too much to separate,we do make an excellent team when we are actually up to bat. I just don't want things to go anyfuther down hill and I'm openminded knowing there's something's I need to change however I don't want to be the only one that has to work on things

If his drinking is out of control the only person who can do something about is him, but the problems seem to me from your post more then just his drinking.

I agree that you seeking therapy is a good idea, just talking to someone will help give you the tools you need to process the current situation.

There are a few issues going on, the main concern is his drinking, leaving the house for a pint of milk and coming home drunk 8 hours later on more then one occasion, is a red flag not to be ignored, and you are addressing it, but he is not.

If he wants his home life to improve, to have a happy marriage, he is going to have to face reality, the stress that you are under right now is not healthy, and you have a child to think of.

Its so easy to see the stuff you don't like, and not acknowledge the good things. That's not fair. All he has to worry about is a paycheck huh?

How about you get an attitude adjustment and seeing the glass half full, and not half empty because marriages are a works in progress, not a perfect well oiled machine. It's a big balancing act.

Communications, calm communications and agreements happen over time, nor over night, and I can bet he has his own story to tell. Not defending his bad behavior, or yours, because you both could do better for each other, but just pointing out that as bad as you think it is, it could be worse, so keep working at it, and building rather than getting impatient and frustrated at a few obstacles that distract you both from the goal.

The good news is he ain't perfect, so you don't have to be. Enjoy the good, celebrate the great, and muddle through the bad, like the rest of us until, the kids are long gone, and you can enjoy each other, and relax. Maybe you both will have grown through your personal issues and flaws by then.

Yes I did read your first posting, and merged it with this one

You didn't say whether he was still drinking, or relapsed since you last post, or not.

1st off I am a very optamistic person and tend to see
The glass half full versis half empty which was the whole reason for my second
Question in a different post (I did notice you merged them
Together).
I know that a relationship takes too people to work and
That no one  is perfect. That's why I asked very vauge questions so that I
Can also see areas that I don't already know that need work on.

Yes all he has to worry about is bringing in a
Paycheck. I DO everything else and that is by choice. It's a OCD problem of mine.
I pay all the bills because I've had bad problems before with others (not my
Husband) saying they paid and spent the $. A lot of things I just am so anal
About I don't feel like anyone else is going to do it right like cleaning,
Dishes, laundry even changing diapers--even though he gets his fair share of
Those.
Last Friday he did drink again and the only altracation
We had was because I wanted him to come home and be with his family versis with
His friends drinking. And after all was yelled and done I realized some of the
Things he was saying to me like I worked hard all week I can't just chill with my
Boys and etc. etc. that's when I posted the second post just asking questions
Seeing if I was off or if he was or is we both were. That's where I like the idea
Of seting a routine schedule. Like this night his night out to be
With his friends and then others for family things. I really think the sneaking
And lying would deminish if we were under a mutual agreement plus he might
Answer his phone. But that was one of my questions... how late is to late
Staying out, the limatiaon things. And it would be giving on my part cause I
Hate the unknown and I have little trust for anyone and yes he has given me
Reasons not to trust him. But I'm just so stuck in my controlling and ocd ways its
Hard to be OK with the unknown, so I do know I need work
Too.

I appreciate, and respect your honesty. It takes a very special person to admit things in themselves that may have a bearing on the rest of the facts you have provided.

I think all young couples have conflicts when they don't make the right adjustments to situations because they have never been through the situation before. But I think you are seeing what will work, and what doesn't work for you, and that makes for some good conversations on what boundaries and rules you can agree on.

I can tell you from experience, it takes years of frustration, and failures, to get to where you are open minded and patient with a partner, and flexible enough to deal with them (mostly the bad points, you don't like, and wish like hell they would change), but I think it starts with the quality of the communications, basically the method of when, and how. And the acceptance of letting them do things there way, even if its less than perfect. Shared responsibility goes a long way to understanding, especially understanding yourself.

That's where you start at, understanding yourself, and the choices you make, and the actions you take. That doesn't excuse his behavior, not at all, as for sure he pays consequences for his bad behavior, but that's up to him to learn it, and you can't beat the lesson in him. He has to learn them, as you are learning things about yourself. Work on you, and let him learn. I mean one of you has to lead by example of good behavior, and the one rule that will never change, "its always a waste of time arguing with a drunk", let him sleep it off safely. Being a reformed drunk myself, I know he probably doesn't have a clue what the arguments are about, or what was said, just when he feels the need to find his comfort, that's all he thinks about. He works hard, and is entitled is his thinking and to be honest, its better to let him run head first into a brick wall until he hurts enough to find some help.

Only then will home be his comfort because what he values is there. Until he gets it, work on you, and what you do, and waste no more time with arguing with a thirsty drunk. Spend his check on his home, and be wise about it, and make your kids safe, secure, and happy until he finds the strength to crawl out of his own hell.

Its not easy because we all have our flaws, some just have more than others. I have some doozies, trade you!!

I'm sorry... but I don't understand why almost everyone is ignoring the fact that this woman's husband (besides being an alcoholic and a man who has cheated on her and leaves to go to a store 2 blocks away then doesn't return for 8 or 9 hours) is physically, mentally and emotionally abusing her?! Read her post! He is hitting her, throwing her around AND choking her! There is also a young child in the home. The single most important thing that we all can do to help her is to encourage her to get help... FAST! Her situation is classic. If she doesn't get help very soon they will all be a statitistic. The people with medical, legal and/or therapeutic backgrounds here are trying to ensure she saves her life. I respectfully suggest that those who have no expertise in these matters refrain from confusing the issues here. Bottom line... for now the relationship MUST end. If and when you both get the help you both need... then you can work at the relationship. Until then, get the help you have already admitted that you KNOW you require.

I say this because I care about you, your husband and your child. You ALL deserve to live a happy, well-adjusted life. The only way that you all will get there is to take the action you need to take. Get safe first... then we'll discuss the rest. Please don't procrastinate and make excuses. Every second you waste in doing what is necessary is driving you and your husband further apart and closer to disaster. Concentrate on what is truly killing your relationship... the abuse and drinking... take the only steps that you can take that will end it and keep you and your little guy safe... and possibly help your husband to become sober. Every moment you make an excuse, concentrate on what else is wrong, etc is a week lost in his (and your) recovery. Please do what you know you must do in order to be safe. If you do, I am sure that the rewards will be plentiful and will bring you so much closer to happiness.

You CAN do this!

Hugs, Didi

Quote:

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Originally Posted by grammadidi

I'm sorry... but I don't understand why almost everyone is ignoring the fact that this woman's husband (besides being an alcoholic and a man who has cheated on her and leaves to go to a store 2 blocks away then doesn't return for 8 or 9 hours) is physically, mentally and emotionally abusing her???!!! Read her post! He is hitting her, throwing her around AND choking her!

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I agree Didi... Haven't any of you read the part I bolded above? This isn't about the OP trying to make the marriage work. This is about abuse and addiction.

We should be helping the OP get out of this abusive situation.

Didi and J... some of the responses were to the OP's posts that did not provide that information. Her posts were merged later.

Of course she should remove herself from the situation. That has been mentioned several times and advice on steps to take has been suggested. She needs to see it for herself that she won't be able to change the situation.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Didi and J.....some of the responses were to the OP's posts that did not provide that information. Her posts were merged later.

Of course she should remove herself from the situation. That has been mentioned several times and advice on steps to take has been suggested. She needs to see it for herself that she will be able to change the situation.

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Actually Doula, that information was in her first post here. The very first one. Just scroll up.

Posted on April 21, 2011. I've bolded the abusive info.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by phodawbar

I have been married for about five yrs. I recently adopted a son from a young friend right at birth as I have been unsuccessful to conceive on my own. My husband was my night in shinning armor and my best friend from the moment I laid eyes on him. We had a money poor rough start and with in a month of being together we moved to a different state where my family is located. (He really doesn't have family other than a sister we haven't heard from since we moved).

Anyways things were great until him normal since day one drinking got worse... the first 3yrs he had cheated on me with several woman and it crushed my world. He promised he'd quit drinking if I stayed. That lasted a whole 3 months. Well when he drinks he's always sneaky about it. I quit drinking before I was 21 so I kinda resent alcohol and at first thought it was just my biased opinion. But it started getting worse. He gets mad when I say anything when he's drinking and it always starts with hateful names and and belittling and 6 out of 10 times it ends with physical abuse.

Recently he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around. The next morning its always I'm sorry baby I was wrong bs...But I have to much pride in how our relationship looks in the public that I never share the bad with anyone not family nor friend. Never have and don't know if I even could. I make him look like the perfect man. But he's not. He tells me he's going to run to the store 2 blocks away and he'll leave at 4pm and come home at 3am and think I'm the one with a problem.

We recently got in trouble and because of his past record he ended up going to prison for a yr. I worked the 80 work week to provide for him and I and preparing for my son (he was 5.months when my husband got out of prison).. since he got out of prison its been to the same thing and he refuses to wear his wedding ring saying its normal for a man not to or its normal for a man to be out all night drinking and I'm just trying to hold him back and being his mama and all that crap. Well keep in mind its about 3 nights a week he does this. Doesn't matter on the day of the week.

I tell him husbands are suppose to be home with their family.. he always seems to do it on bad days for me like when. I get bad news or am sick...does it on my birthdays seems like anything important to me he's got to screw up...I just don't know what to do anymore I'm 27 and having to start on blood pressure medication cause I'm so stressed...

I just think he's 31 he should be grown up but I'm so wrong. I just can't see my self with out him but in the same words I know I don't deserve to b around someone that refuses to help themselves out of alcoholism or bad habits. He's on parole and I have to worry about him getting n trouble with his drinking and going back to prison. I keep track of all his legal matters or anything in his life and I just wish I would grow a man in him one day but when do I say enough is enough. Please help

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by J_9

Actually Doula, that information was in her first post here. The very first one. Just scroll up.

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Very true, it was on this first post... but later, she posted asking about whether it was normal for a husband and father to stay out late, and so on. In that post, abuse was not mentioned. Responses dealt with husbands spending time with friends, etc. as that is what that post was discussing. The two posts were merged later, after responses had already been made in regard to the second post... which at one time was also an original post in a thread on its own.

I think Didi saw those responses, and it appeared that they had followed the post mentioning abuse, and she was surprised no mention of the abuse and getting out of the relationship was made. The first post had not been seen at the time those responses were written.

Hope that makes sense... sounds sort of confusing.

In my opinion, we, as a support group, should be focusing on the abusive situation at hand. How long he stays out with friends is much less serious than the "choking," "hitting and throwing around."

We need to help the OP get out of this situation before this escalates. She also needs to realize that this sort of thing is setting her child up to continue the abusive actions as an adult.

I wonder if the OP actually read the link I posted. If not, I'll post it again.

The Cycle of Abuse | thesafespace.org

phodawbar, Please read that link.

Regardless of what anyone's opion is now, I am done. It is 3:45am on fridaynight/sat morning and he is no where to be found, can't look anyway cause I have a inocent baby sleeping in his bed. Came home after 10hr work day and a hr work out, stopped got him his chinesse food cause he wanted that. Pull in my drive way to find one of his "unpopular'' workmates in my drive way. 'Baby I'll be back n 30 mins (its around 6pm at this time)...gonna help him move his tv." I told him what the hell ever. He promised he'd answer his fone and everything! Needless tosay he left his fone in the living room. And didn't even touch or even look at his food I brought home after I had told him on my way home I didn't feel good and didn't feel like getn out and going to the chinesse place, but I did anyway. So... trying something different even though I didn't really have a choice I didn't shed a tear get mad until now. He knows he doesn't have his fone on him but yet he can't call me and tell me he's OK or anything. He doesn't give a flyn blank about me or apparently his son. I haven't even got to asked how my day went. Don't know wheathr to go grab my son up and throw him and the car and start lookn for him or roll ova and go to bed.
I just don't understand where in his dumbbeepn head that this is exceptable behavoir for ANY married man and a father. Hell I can't even go to sleep cause my heart and pulse is jumpn thro my skin right now. I know if he ever comes home its going to make for a hell of a day cause I'm done with the bs and as far as I'm concerned at the moment he can pack his crap and get out of my face and that's speakn from anger but the other side of me is worried and I can't seem to calm that side either. Pray for me cause nothn else is seeming to work

And yes J_9 I did read the cycle of abuse. That's my life, but its so dang confusing cause how can u tell if the honeymoon phase is a change or just part of the cycle.. I mean he does all of the above, says I'm the reason for his drinking etc but yet forgive me bs. I'm just tired of it all cause he thinks it all OK so what y does what ever I'm going thro or how I feel even mattr

Just an update... its almost 9am and he's still not bac, I'm tired angry and worried, about to call the jail and make sure he's not there God forbid