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Our marriage broke up because of rowing , me not him, he would not try to make anything better, but he went to counseling asked me to go with him, now when we are to try he has hardened so much toward me won't communicate and is been cold and hurtfull.. why, what do I do , walk away.
You broke up because of "rowing?" Please clarify.
How long have you been in counseling and are you still going?
We have been going to counseling 3 weeks he went once on his own, we were rowing for years over the one thing him working with his family for little or no money , during summer for a few months every year, but this last going on 2 years he is working all the time for long hours and little money, he will do nothing for us unless he is not needed else where , I know I over reacted and did nothing but row row, he would not row back ,just did nothing to put anything right , he stopped trying I was getting more an more upset, he will not try to change but I was 100 time trying even to the extent asking the counselor how I could stop being so angry with the way he is , he is a lovely lovely man, he was so upset, and down ,but now that he knows I want us together and that he is my one and only love ,he is not try to communicate he is not loving he is just hurtful , he is talking down to me in front of our 2 eldest he is just doing what I ask and no more , why when he was the one who wanted to go to counseling,
Give the counseling a chance. 3 weeks is not a long time.
He isint even bothering not about our kids eather , the more I give , the cooler he is, I think I should just end it ,as he is just so uncareing,
3 weeks , and the counceler told him, that he had to see the bigger pitcher then blaming me for it all , he won't he just blames me for everything , so it seemed easer to take the blame ,I thought we were making better, but no he has become colder and
Do not answer in the comment box. You have more space.
It sounds as if you have given up as well.
Three weeks into counseling can bring about a lot of hurt and anger.
Give this some more time.
Definitely give the counseling more time. It is not uncommon for it to be very difficult at first when couples both start sharing their concerns and what upsets them. Both are focused on getting heard and finally opening up about what they have been feeling. This time can be quite full of anger, frustration, and confusion.
The counselor will likely just let you both talk for awhile and get things out. Then maybe point out a different way of viewing things, how to compromise when possible, and give you suggestions how on to communicate better. They will ask questions and try and help you both really listen to what the other has to say.
Think of it this way... the arguing has been going on for a long time, changing that won't happen quickly. It will take some time to try and work things out.
I think that means fighting.Quote:
Originally Posted by ebaines
You sound like two petulant kids with all that arguing and frustration, and anger like you're begging for attention, and not getting it.
How old are you both?
How long have you been married? How many kids?
Was it always like this?
If not WHEN did it start, (when he started working for his family I suspect)?
Is that his only job?
Do you work?
How long did you know each other before you got married, or pregnant?
Whatever you do stick to the counseling no matter what!! It may/will take longer than 3 weeks to get you both to see a better way to talk, and listen, and set some real boundaries for the way you disagree, or vent your frustrations to each other.
I would love to interview your kids, I am sure they would love to tell you both to shut up. By now you should have both come to the conclusion that arguing is not solving a darn thing and you both have to work together to learn how to talk, and listen. That takes a lot longer than 3 freakin'' weeks, it may take YEARS, so buckle up, and enjoy the ride.
Comment on talaniman's post
I 45,he 50 4 kids, new 4 years before marriage, was not pregnant, married 17 years, he used to help out a few months of year now its all year for LITTLE pay , it causes rows with me, not him , its not violent he a gentle man ,I have own business,
Comment on J_9's post
No, me rowing , he won't row, no violence or abuse only me giving off constantly,
Comment on DoulaLC's post
Thanks will do , but he thinks its all me , I no I have a lot to do with it but he won't change he says he doing nothing wrong, its like banging my head against a wall,
Comment on Homegirl 50's post
Thanks, I do feel that if he won't but the effort into it what's the point,
Could he being getting ready to take on the family business?? Give the guy some space, stop "rowing" and going off, and relinquish some control, boss lady, and your house will be quiet, and maybe he will have nothing to blame on you.
I think he is retaliating against you for going off so much. I would too, I think, just to get some measure of dignity, and self respect. Self defense as I see it!
Try not "rowing" for a month and see if there is a marked difference in his attitude and behavior, and let him do his thang for himself, while he can. He ain't no spring chicken any more.
Which one of you is going thru the change in life crisis? That's what it sounds like, and can you being going through it together? YIKES?? It too will pass if you let it, so remember, for you, MUMS THE WORD!!!! SHHHHHHH!!
Row what a boat? Do you mean arguing?Quote:
Originally Posted by brigde
"rowing", in Texas it means pitching a b1tch.
"giving off" in Texas it means pitching a b1tch.
Comment on J_9's post
Yes sorry thought , every body had a row , but yes
Comment on talaniman's post
Can't get you . No its not a famly biss ,its his brothers, I agree about retaliating, but why , and he IS DOING HIS THING that is it, he works 24,7 for buttos, while I work, look after home kids bills etc etc, he does pay car insue, oil, coal, b
Are you in Texas, well in ireland it means argueing, and I not going through the change, but he just turned 50 , and what do you mean , mums the word,
Try not "rowing", or "giving off" for a month, no matter what. It takes two to argue, and see if it makes a difference. Where did he work before, and for how long? Why did he leave?Quote:
and what do you mean , mums the word,
Is this all about finances?
Please use the Answer Box at the bottom of the page to respond to the thread instead of using the Comment box. It gives you more room to respond without worrying about running out of space. Thank you.
Communicating is more than vocalizing your needs and desires. It is encouraging and listening to the other person explain what he/she needs. Rowing/arguing/fighting/whatever term is used does not promote healthy a healthy dialog or working together on a compromise.
From what you have described, I am not certain if you have ever truly paid attention to what he has tried to say. Have you?
Quite frankly, I have noticed that those who want to give up on counseling after only three weeks are usually starting to see things in themselves that they don't want to recognize. Also, they tend to want to skip over all the hard work that learning to communicate and compromise entails. This is one of the many things in Life that one get's out what one puts in (in some cases, the return is even greater than the investment, but it takes a very long time to see it.)
Keep going for yourself even if he doesn't go. Learn how you can better commincate with him and put those lessons into practice. If you make changes for the better (for example: learning how to talk instead of 'row'), it will affect those around you.
Cat... I am the one who is going he was going to stop after the 2nd time we went togeather as he thought it was bullying him , heshe the counceler told him that if he was not going to even try then she would or could not work, it was me who asked him to keep going and it was me who rang the counceler and asked her if we could continue, I have told him I would stop rowing and try 100 percent and I am willing to put my all into it , but if he won't change , that is what I meant what is it all for , I am so despret to get my family back if it meant I had to change, but how can I do it all, I no you think I am the one but its not, I have a man that is so good harted but when it comes to working on his brothers farm he forgets he has a family to the extent he will,, as he has said, work 24 hours 7 days a week and if he gets 2 days money then that suits him life is to short,, now what about his kids his wife his house his resposability to us, I have worked all my life I have not ever asked him for anything that I have not paid for , evey debt we have is in my name , as he never stick long anough in any thing as it would interfer with his time spent on the farm , he is as the counceler sead, not seeing the bigger picture , I have the best man in the world but when he is there he isint anywere else,,
No its not all about money it's a big issue , its about him being there, he isint there emotionly of financiely. He just won't do anything around ouside our house , we have bult it now 14 years my street was like we just moved in, the house was never painted outside ,I had a leek under the dishwasher that was tripping the fuses and he never bothered, he used to be very proud of his work and took pride in his house but it became that he never bothered there eather, it ate up time he could be in the farm , it sounds as if he couldint love me, dosint it, but when that ever came up he would never say that he didn't , he loves me despretly and there is and never be any other woman for him and I no and feel it too , but then why can't he put me and his kids first , that's why I aked him to leave as our children who are 16 13 10 and 3, are feeling it and our eldest has told him he is wronge as she has seen the way he is, he is not bothering about the 2 eldest as they see he is not putting any effort into us, he has never had a long job in the middle of our marriage he worked in a job fot year and half the longist , he is very handy he can do anything , tilling he is a pipe fitter by trade, he is the hardest worker, but he leaves making the money to me ,
I get that you are tired and desperate. You see your family falling apart and your husband does not seem to care. I think this job may be his way of escape. He does not have any responsibilities and he does not have to deal with you are the family.
Stop arguing with him, continue the counseling for you.
He will either want to get himself together or he won't but in the meantime, you will be in a better frame of mind.
You haven't answered my question about his employment history and how he got to working on a farm.
This is about finances isn't it, and you resent the changes he has made for himself. Why did he make them?
This whole thing has been about you and your misery, but we need to understand him, to help you.
Thanks ,
Will answer your questions like i did, on the bottom, grid ok,
talaniman, I thought I did, my husband has not made any changes to his life at all ,yes I do resent the fact that after 17 years of marriage he thinks it OK to work, as the counceler told him, at his hobby full time , I resent the fact that I run a busy shop I look after 4 children I work 20 miles away from my home , he works 2 minits and I have to come home from work to lift them from the baby sitter who lives half a mile up the road, I resent the fact that I pay all the household bills he take every penny he makes to look after himself , his lunch,I and his petrol. Now he sholdint have to pay for lunch or petrol .he gets his food at his brothers and petrol he could walk faster there , so yes I do feel resentfull, he has not made any changes he has just got more work to do as his brother has made chages, he has started building sheds and its my hubby doing it all for him, AND MY MISSERY AS YOU SAID is because I am on my own weather he is here or not, I have never asked him to stop working there as I love the fact that he is doing what he enjoys , all I want is to be treated fairly and no I am not misserable I am happy but I can't go on doing it all, maybe it is me who has changed and realise that when your husband marrys and has 4 kids he should take some of the responsibility, so please don't think it is a poor man who has no piece , it has been going on 17 years our only row, is about this but since last year it has come to a head as he is just taken it and us for granted, what happens if I could not work, he is making no money to feed us never mind our kid education, money is a issue but it takes TWO people in a marriage to contrbute,and I have tried talking I have tried EVERY THING to understand his love for the farming but every inch I give he takes a mile,
He is doing what he has been allowed to do all of theses years and you are now fed up.
Continue the counseling. It will help you deal with the frustration and anger you feel.
I wish you well.
Thanks homegirl . And taliman if you wernt so judgementle you whould see the full picture, and I have answered all your questions and have been honest, I talk I have talked for 17 yers and this is were it has me, so there you are, so what you are saying is, its OK for a 50 year old man to work for peanuts as long as he is happy its OK to work at his hobby even if its 24 ,7, its OK to burry his head from any resbonsability. And its certainly OK to get the wife to go with him to counceling but only if the councler tells him that he is so rite and the wife should shut up and put up, but its OK for him to jack it all in if the counceler tells him the oppasit and that he has to change, and its OK if he hurts his kids and wife all because he wants his own way, yes I am a boss and yes I know what is rite and what is wronge so give me some credit for knowing when anough ia anough , I felt like packing it in but no I went anyway, and I told my husband today , its over , and guess what , it felt good to say it, I will keep going to counceling FOR ME to sort out any issues I have , which is how to deal with horrable people..
Sorry if I kept misunderstanding you. Must be a translation problem somewhere but glad you took the right actions for yourself.
Good luck!
Thank you
I wish you well brigde. It is unfortunate that your husband has not able to see, or has ignored, what his decision to not be more involved with your family has led to. Sometimes it takes the thought of actually losing what you have to make you see what should be obvious.
Hopefully that will be the case for him and he will begin to work with you to improve things. After so many years it would take time to change things around, and it would likely be small steps, but at least it would be a start. Fingers crossed for you!
Thank you .
I am not your husband, and will not be "rowed" at because you are upset. You found your solution, live with it, because though you answered my questions, we don't seem to understand each other very well. Its you who chose to just give up on your marriage, not me, so don't think you will vent your feelings on me like I suspect you have done with your husband for the last two years.Quote:
brigde does not find this helpful : you didn't give a answer you asked me to answer you questions I did and , NOTHING
Sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear, but I think you are too emotional at this time to listen to anything I have to say. The others have also given you some great insight, listen to them. I think you are going through the female change at this time, and the only one to know for sure is a doctor, see one, if nothing else, you can eliminate that from the mix. Whatever events in your life that are making you act the way you are, I hope you solve it.
Sorry had a bottle of wine in me, thanks
If a bottle of wine does that then throw away the bottle!!
Will you stop picking on me I just answering your questions , that YOU asked me to answer, I probely was cheeky in the last reply, I am a bit off men ,ha ha sorry again, and I don't have a drink problem, before you start thinking that,
Hi there a update on us I ended it after xmas as I felt he was not trying at all, we went to councling ,and I just told felt he was waisting his time as he still insists he will not need to change as it was all my fault, so I walked told the councler she was wasting her time, I made a appointment for myself,he didn't go back for 2 weeks, he was very angry SO ANGRY , so there during the week he told the wains he would go back if I asked him to, I have not had any contact with him for the 2 weeks , only replyed if he text about the wains, so I text hime told him the time and day, he came , still refusing to change , he looks awfull feels so upset and wants it to sort it out, without hom doing a thing or even try, the counceler told him if he won't try and leaves it all to me then we should consider being apart, he was upset and I think a bit shocked as I had sead that I would not go back no mater to the way it was and that I am much clearer and stronger and happier then I was last year, and that yes maybe it was best to stay apart, when we left , I asked was he OK, he asked me to go for a drink with him, the first time in 5 months I seen my real man emerge, we went and had a drink , we got on so well , talked not all about us , but between we told each other how we got through it and it didn't become uneasy or negative, I am scared now ,he will hurt me again, or start playing games , as he did at xmas, I left and said we will talk soon, I was strong, and in control of my emotions, and, I felt more confidint then I did for a long long , time, BUT STILL UNSURE OF HIM AND SCARED TO LET HIM IN AGAIN,
This could be the beginning of something positive either way. Stick to your plan. Don't go back to the same thing.
Thanks for the update, keep us posted.
I wish you well.
You seem to have talked and talked but I think it's time he actually showed some action. I would tell him that you still love him but that you also need to know that you can rely on him and that he has to show you that you can by his actions.
If he really wants to change then he should be prepared to start working on that before you let him back into your life with open arms or there's not really much chance he will do so after.
I really hope he will make the effort and either way I wish you every happiness.
Believe it, or not, this is the face of progress. You have got him thinking, and that's the whole point to dealing with the issues.
Great move going to counseling yourself, when he didn't want to. Keep that up for yourself, and continue to grow, no matter what he does, or how long it takes him to do it. What he does is no longer your problem, its his, and let him have it. But do for yourself, and you will be able to deal with things from a position of strength, and take no crap from anyone, not even him.
I also have to thank you for keeping us updated on your progress, and growth. Many of us who care are heartened by your actions, and love the fact that you have taken a very active plan to improve your situation the right way.
Please keep us updated, and have patience through your journey, as I see nothing but success, and happiness for you down the road. Its not an easy road, but I think you are a tough lady.
Good to hear some progress has been made... for you in your self-esteem and confidence, for him in waking up a bit that things can not continue as they were.
As the others have said, take your time and remain steadfast with how you need things to change. Old ways of behaviour take time to change, but it seems there is perhaps a start.
You might consider just "dating" for awhile and see how things progress. Continue remaining strong and making sure he is well aware that if there is to be a new relationship, it will be very different from the old one. Time will tell if you might want to give it another go or move on with your new independence.
We are as far back now again, we went for a walk the last night , it was lovely nothing just arm in arm we talked, he still says he is not going to change, but he apologised for christmas and said he was never be like that again,, we were at the counceling today he keeps stressing he has nothing to change, I have said its 50, 50 or no going back , we went for something to eat after , it was good he was so much more approchable this last week or so , then we went for a drink we played a game of darts a game of pool. And then he became down, and said he will not allow himself to be optomistic as he won't get hurt again, he was argumentive and cold, I know he had a few drinks in him , but he sail that he was not going to change, take it or leave it, so I told him I would leave it,, he had said earlier that the ball was in my court, but there is nothing else I can do , he is again, like christmass , me opening up and letting him in ,and he just takes full advantage and becomes the dictater, is there any way he will ever realise that he was wronge allso. No me getteng the blame over and over again, I am tired of him, giving crumbs and exspecting the big loaf, sorry it's the only way I can discrib it, so so disapointed, with his whole attatude, if this is his love now, its heartbreaking, and the counceler says, he idolises me , oh yea to the exstent he is pushing me so far away, maybe he does not love me and can't tell me ,even though I have told him if he dosunt care or love me anough its better to leave things as they are , what now..
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