My wife said she doesn't love me anymore because she doesn't want to get hurt anymore. Her years of pent-up resentment finally came out after I called her a for complaining so much. Arguments and shortcomings that I had long forgotten have now been thrown in my face. She won't let me touch her anymore and wants me to go away. She refuses to go to counselling and now spends her days watching baseball. Her mom died 6 years ago and she didn't go to conselling then either. I've started going to a therpaist on my own. I want to make the marriage work and move forward, but she does not seem willing to even try.

If she is not willing to try, and you have shown every attempt to fix things, then you cannot live your life in someone else's depression. You can help her, but I wouldn't stay with her at least for now.

From her standpoint, why should she try to make the marriage work now? How many times in the past did she attempt to make it work or say something about it not working only to be called a name that the censor program took out of your post for 'complaining' so much?

When did you start therapy? Are you willing to give her a chance to see that you are willing to change? If she has years of resentment/frustration/anger built up, it may take a long time before she is willing to trust that things can get better.

I had never used that word before and have apologized profusely since then. I guess I had my own pent-up resentment as I have tried to make a very comfortable life for her, and yet, she says she has been for unhappy years.

I started therapy recently and understand that healing will take time. I was advised to stopping giving reasons for staying together and letting go of the past as she is not listening to reason. I tend to give preference to logic over emotions, which is making this situation that much more difficult.

Most women work on their emotions,if your working from logic there's no communication,your not hearing each other.

Try and work through YOUR feelings.

Write her a letter,pour your heart and soul into it,do not use logic,use heart.

Give it to her,and give her time to process it.

Try and see her point of view without imposing your thoughts into the letter.

Don't say what you think she should do,that's logic.

You may need to stop and start a few times before you get it just right.

Have a heart to heart not a head to heart.

I now realize I cannot control her, I can only control myself. A friend of mine, who divorced but later got back together with his ex-wife, advised me to let my wife do what she will and to take care of myself. I suppose a letter written as an expression of my feelings, rather than my thoughts, would be helpful for me, and hopefully insightful for my wife.

I don't know the time line that all this has happened, but I would back away a bit, and just rebuild the communications more. From what I gather, she is upset at a lot of things you do/did, and it came to a head when you called her a name.

If you look at your part of it, and can see that maybe you could have done things differently, then maybe you see a better pathway to talk, and listen. No telling what is at the root of her frustration.

If not, a time to let the emotional dust settle would be what I would do, and then right the letter, once you get your head right.

Part of the reason I want to move forward now is that she is becoming more emotionally distant, not letting me even hug her or give her goodbye kiss. It is hurting me more every day. Fortunately, we are still talking. I try not to get defensive about shortcomings she brings up from years ago. The big one was not being with her when her mom died 6 years ago, since I could not take extended time off work to go out of state to be with her. I was there for the funeral.

Stop trying to hug, and kiss her, and talk more. My point is when looking for solutions, be very careful of trying to push for your own motives. I know its frustrating not being able to hug or kiss without being met with rejection, but being a listener may be the better course of action.

Plus what you may be missing is not acknowledging her mothers death, even after 6 years, as the anniversary date rolls around. Could that have a bearing on this? You may not understand her feelings, because you see them through your own feelings, and that may stop empathy, or understanding.

That's been my experience, as sometimes we are to hurt, or distracted by other things, and neglect to pay attention to what out partner is actually saying to us, or what we should do about it. We hear the words, but miss the meaning, or assume and presume the solution, but miss by a mile.

Sometimes it's a mistake to move things of such a delicate nature as the interaction between husband, and wife at JUST your pace, out of YOUR hurt, and YOUR frustration.

You may be wrongly assuming her true frustration, and giving in to YOUR own.

I was not that close to my wife's mother, so I could not mourn her death the way my wife did. I worry that she has unresolved issues with her, and maybe that is why she does not want to go to counseling. We do talk, and she crys a lot when we discuss the past hurts. She has internalized so much, and I tell her the only way to heal is to let it go. I don't understand why she can't/won't.

Stop telling her to just let go. Let her do it her way, and in her own time, NOT yours, since you obviously cannot feel her pain, because you have none.

Your job is to just be there while she goes through it without advice, as well intentioned as it may be.

Dismissing some ones suffering because you are NOT, is disgusting, and a blow to a bond that requires UNCONDITIONAL support.

I guess I'll just let her work on her issues at her pace and take care of myself. She doesn't know what she wants to do, but I understand she has to come up with her own solution. We are still amicable and the kids are cared for. I would rather wait it out than give up.

As a guy who knows, that's a great idea. There is no shame in having patience with a partner who needs some time to figure things out.

It's so frustrating seeing her just pout and brood over injuries from years ago. She still cries when we talk about them. It's such a waste of time. We could be moving our relationship forward; instead, we are stuck in the past. At least she has noticed some changes in me (more empathetic), but she thinks they aren't sincere or sustainable.

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Originally Posted by tucsondoc

It's so frustrating seeing her just pout and brood over injuries from years ago. She still cries when we talk about them. It's such a waste of time. We could be moving our relationship forward; instead, we are stuck in the past. At least she has noticed some changes in me (more empathetic), but she thinks they aren't sincere or sustainable.

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As long as you have the attitude that dealing with the past is a waste of time, she may be correct that the changes aren't sincere or sustainable.

Tears are a sign of very deep emotions in this case hurt and frustration. Her feelings are something she has to work through and deal with just as you have to learn to be more empathetic to her feelings. It is hard work that takes time.

If you want a strong relationship, you are going to have to mend the foundation. Just putting a patch over the cracks isn't going to hold up for long. What she may see is you putting a band-aid on a crack and calling it 'fixed'. Filling in the crack properly and finishing it off the correct way will stand up to a lot more strain than covering the foundation with a carpet can.

If she won't go to marriage counseling, perhaps she would consider seeing someone on her own. Someone she feels she can talk to and get her frustrations out. Perhaps learning new ways to deal with her emotions and memories.

Once you realize its about her, and what she needs emotionally, and not about you, and what you want, then maybe you can wrap your head around how your unsympathetic, non support, stops the relationship from moving forward in a positive way.

Once you get that, then you will focus on her needs emotionally, so you CAN move forward.

The time you give NOW, is focusing on the health of the relationship. She is not the robot you are. And she is hurting. We are not talking about your ideas of solutions here at all, so keep your mouth shut, and an arm around her, as she vents the poison from her system. Holding her, will go farther than schooling her. Ears open, mouth closed for you.

Strong silent support is what she needs, and you being there for her emotional needs.

Perhaps she wouldn't cry so much if she initiated our long talks, but she doesn't. If I didn't start the conversations then I wouldn't know about all these past issues. She would still be quiet and resentful. It seems I have to bring up these painful issues, much like having to bring up finances with her (an area where she insists I treat her like s**t).

You're all over the place. One post you seem to understand that she has to deal with things at her own pace while in another you say that you have to initiate the long conversations because she isn't. Opposite ends of the spectrum. You need to find the middle where you are OPEN to her talking and sharing how she feels and has felt.

How is counseling going?

I will let you know this: I have been with my husband for over 25 years. There are things that happened before we met that I am just now understanding how I feel about them and how to deal with those feelings. Those things trigger extremely strong emotions that can cause me to cry at the drop of a hat. Add into it daily stress and the changes that growing older bring and I can be an emotional wreck at times. He isn't nearly as emotional as I am. However, he holds me and lets me cry for as long as I need to. He doesn't make me feel like I am bothering him or making him wish he were anywhere other than holding me in his arms. He helps me feel safe and not vulnerable.

I have noticed a lot of I's and Me's in your post. You're upset because she doesn't pay attention to you. Maybe she's tired.

She says she wants to run away and that she was at such peace when the kids and I were on vacation. That is not a long-term solution while the kids are still kids. She says she wants to end the marriage. Since I am Catholic, so I won't give up that easily. She used to go to Mass but has stopped. So, there is probably a spiritual component to all of this, which she will have to resolve in her own unique way.

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Originally Posted by tucsondoc

She says she wants to run away and that she was at such peace when the kids and I were on vacation. That is not a long-term solution while the kids are still kids. She says she wants to end the marriage. Since I am Catholic, so I won't give up that easily. She used to go to Mass but has stopped. So, there is probably a spiritual component to all of this, which she will have to resolve in her own unique way.

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You may not have a choice if she wants a divorce. She's unhappy. You say you won't give up that easily? You say there may be a spiritual component? I think she lost her her mother, she's never fully accepted and a husband in her face constantly questioning and critiquing her actions, she hasn't had time to grieve.

She needs to be away from you awhile, to get her thoughts together and find out if there is anything to save. Losing a parent takes a person a long time to heal.

Maybe you need to take the kids more often, so she can find her own peace, even only for a few hours every week. That worked for me back in the day. We all need a break sometimes, especially when we get overwhelmed by events in our life. Have some empathy, dude!

I've taken the kids the movies/zoo/arcade/science centers/skiing for years to give my wife a break. I also did not pick up golf or other time consuming hobbies to be at home to help out. I've done plenty of laundry and taken the kids out to eat when she did not feel well. I feel that all that was a waste, that my efforts weren't appreciated (yes, I know how ironic this sounds).

Counseling is helping me to express my feelings. So, instead of saying "you should" I say "I would like if" and "what do you think". My therapist said that logic won't work with my wife right now. Trouble is, if I express feeling, all that comes out is pain. I told my wife that all the times I've hurt her was because I was hurt and scared, scared of losing her to one of her new "friends" I did ask her if she loved one of them (I had gone to Mass right before and was very peaceful during the discussion). She said no, but she has no idea what an emotional affair is. She says she just likes spending time with these guys. She lights up so when she talks about them. She doesn't smile with me.

I think she just wants out. No amount of talking or begging is going to change her mind.

Does she take any kind of medication for depression?

She absolutely refuses to take any meds and she refuses to seek counseling. I suspect she is afraid of being told that she is wrong, or that something is wrong with her. Right now she is watching a baseball game. I don't think she is thinking about her future, just trying to forget her problems.

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Originally Posted by tucsondoc

She absolutely refuses to take any meds and she refuses to seek counseling. I suspect she is afraid of being told that she is wrong, or that something is wrong with her. Right now she is watching a baseball game. I don't think she is thinking about her future, just trying to forget her problems.

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Try to get her to see a doctor.

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Originally Posted by tucsondoc

I told my wife that all the times I've hurt her was because I was hurt and scared, scared of losing her to one of her new "friends" I did ask her if she loved one of them (I had gone to Mass right before and was very peaceful during the discussion). She said no, but she has no idea what an emotional affair is. She says she just likes spending time with these guys. She lights up so when she talks about them. She doesn't smile with me.

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Unless I missed something this is the first time you mention 'new friends'. Are you now accusing her of being unfaithful?

Does she have any interests outside of the house and child-related (school and such)? Do you?

How old are your children and how many of them are there?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Unless I missed something this is the first time you mention 'new friends'. Are you now accusing her of being unfaithful?

Does she have any interests outside of the house and child-related (school and such)? Do you?

How old are your children and how many of them are there?

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I thought you were referring to female friends. Does she go out with these friends.

She has new male friends at these baseball games she went to while the kids were in school. She talks about their insight about the game and lights up. I may have over-reacted, but it would make sense that she doesn't want me touching her if she has feelings for one of these guys.

My son is 13 and my daughter is 11. She feels that mom has been ignoring her this summer. My son likes to go to games with her, so it's good he can keep an eye on her.

Most of her friends are moms at the kids schools. Her good friend for the past 25 years has been very helpful to me, helping me understand some of my wife's issues.

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Originally Posted by tucsondoc

She has new male friends at these baseball games she went to while the kids were in school. She talks about their insight about the game and lights up. I may have over-reacted, but it would make sense that she doesn't want me touching her if she has feelings for one of these guys.

My son is 13 and my daughter is 11. She feels that mom has been ignoring her this summer. My son likes to go to games with her, so it's good he can keep an eye on her.

Most of her friends are moms at the kids schools. Her good friend for the past 25 years has been very helpful to me, helping me understand some of my wife's issues.

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So you can be friends with her pals, but you feel there is something wrong with her talking to male friends?

First the daughter, does your wife know how the daughter feels? Has the daughter been available to spend time with her mother? It is not to say the daughter doesn't have valid feelings. Only that sometimes things aren't exactly as they appear.

Your son should not be 'keeping an eye' on his mother or feel the need to. He is not her parent or her spouse or your spy. He is a child who should feel like he is sharing something with his mother that they both enjoy.

Is she lighting up because of the people or because she can share her interests with them? Does she light up just talking about baseball? Can you talk about baseball with her with the same level of enjoyment?

Is baseball her only interest outside the house (not counting school related)? Do you have any interests outside the house and work?

Do you have any interests in common?

Baseball has become more of an obsession for my wife over the past few years, starting shortly after her mom's death. I shared her interest until this season, when she started going to games with her "friends". I don't engage in activities with her female friends if she is not with us. She has helped around the kids' schools but has not said if she would this year. In fact, she told me and the kids that she did not plan to decorate the house for Christmas this year. She seems to have transferred her affection from me to her new "friends". Her sister and her good friend met one of them, and they thought she paid a little too much attention to him. I guess I didn't want to consider the option, but everything would make sense if she is having an emotional affair.

I never picked up any time consuming hobbies so that I could spend more time with my family. I do have a telescope and I have a library of courses from the Teaching Company in the fields of history, philosophy and religion.

Perhaps my daughter feels ignored because of my wife's baseball focus, whereas my son enjoys it.

Thanks for the added details, they help paint a picture of glitches in the marriage, that I think we all go through, and it takes a while to deal with. Nothing is ever accomplished overnight, or in one conversation, as most adjustments take time.

Kids growing up changes circumstances, and situations, and sometimes parents don't agree as what to do in some circumstances, so I am unsure if the info from your in-laws, or her friends have anything to do with your thinking, whether insecurity is involved, or frustration over not being able to readily fix things has influenced feelings, and thinking.

No matter the obstacles, keep working toward the common goal of a happy home, and don't let isolated incidences totally cloud your judgment, or impulsive thoughts dictate your actions, as the journey through life with a partner is seldom a smooth one.

After 35 years with my wife, its hardly been a cakewalk, but as long as you don't get carried away, and can communicate, sooner or later, you will overcome any obstacle, and solve your problems over time.

Patience and empathy, would serve you well.

Maybe I'm feeling too much and not thinking enough. Maybe she's really is just friends with these guys. But when I asked her if she loved one of them, why didn't she say "of course not, I love you, how could you think that?" Yes, I'm very insecure about our relationship right now. I like to plan things well in advanced, but I did tell my wife that I hadn't plan for any of what's going on now.

My therapist advised not talking about the relationship with my wife for now, especially since she continue to cry about past events. I guess we're housemates for the time being.

Yeah I have done the house mates thing a few times, separate vacations, gone fishing, and a few other things to let the dust settle, and clear the mind. Not a bad idea as sometimes doing nothing but what you should do for yourself is a good idea, and the best course of actions.

Just be a friendly happy house mate.

Today the issue of money came up. This has been constantly below the surface but flares up when the credit card statement comes. I suspect some of the times I have treated her "like s**t" was when the new charges were more than 1/3 of my take home pay. I gently asked for suggestions from her, but she just feels we should spend the money if we have it. I told her we need somebody to help us come up with a solution (can this be done in marriage counseling) but, again, she is not interested in talking to anybody about our problems.

Don't gently ask for solutions, gently present a way to live within your means, by doing your own homework in researching what you need. No reason for you to be following her lead down the path to dept and ruin. The same goes for any other problem you have, don't wait for her to have a solution. Be willing to find them on your own. Its called a budget, and learning how to manage the money you do have. A simple enough idea, have more coming in, than going out.

Wow, this started with you not being empathetic, and we have grown to many other areas of this marriage. She seems very emotional, with strong feelings, and you a lot less, but at the core of this whole mess is the inability to work together through honest communications. Maybe its time to stop the arguments, and work on a solid plan of action you both can deal with.

Next time she says "we have the money" say "SHOW ME!" My friend you have a lot to work on, and patience to sort it out, and find out where to start, is what's important, and talking and LISTENING is the first step.

I read the post and I really feel uneasy about the friends. She us sharing a recreational interest with (is it one man in particular) a man. You said you liked baseball until recently, do you two have any recreational interest in common at this point? If not, I would find something new to do together, even if it's a walk in the fresh air in the evening. You can talk and walk.
You said you are still talking, try to use every opportunity to do things with her just the two of you. You don't have to talk about the relationship but just talk and be with each other. I would rekindle an interest in baseball and go with her. If she is bonding with the guy you have to stop it.
The charge cards. I think for the sake of the mortgage you should take the charge cards away since is being irresponsable. Does she work? Could she get a part time job to pay down the debt? I think you have to get a hold of this spending stuff - I shop and spend when I am depressed she may be spending money for emotional reason. Kick that crutch away - if she does not have the charge card to salve her depression may she will solve her depression in more appropriate ways.

She really doesn't want to spend time alone with me. I've asked her to go out on dates, but she's refused. She also feels we can afford what she spend since we are still putting away money for the kids college and retirement (although I don't think it's enough). The mortgage was recently paid off by the sale of a business asset. I would like to save this additional money, but she wants to remodel the kitchen and fix the house. Honestly, I don't want to put too much money into the house if we are going to sell it in the next year or two. She could not afford to stay here if we divorced, even if she gets half of my salary in alimony, as the household bills would compromise maintaining her lifestyle.

So we are going at her pace. Any time we talk about the relationship is because she brings it up. I don't kiss her goodbye when I go to work or goodnight when we retire to our now respective bedrooms. I'm worried she will get used to this dysfunctional arrangement and not want to make any changes. All the bills are paid and I help with the kids when I can. Why should she want to change anything? The last time we talked about our relationship she blamed me for her not sleeping well.