My husband insists I cheated on him 5 years ago and I didn't . I told him all I did was work for my mom whom he thinks helped me cheat on him, this is a never ending battle and I'm ready to leave him, I can't stand his insecurities, I told him and tell him I didn't cheat , I think he did, and he feels better blaming me.

Has something happened in your time together to make him mistrust you?

Or has he always been this way.

Its very difficult to change someone's mind when they are convinced what they believe is true,even when faced with hard facts.

Suggest some marriage guidance for both of you,perhaps you can get to the root of the problem by this means.

What does your mother have to do with this?

Maybe he is the one cheating?

If your both willing to go to counsel then that is great. If not, it is time to make a decision.

Don't defend it at all. Tell him keep his BS to yourself because if he keeps bringing it up, he sleeps on the porch until he grows up.

You don't have to put up with bad behavior especially from an insecure, immature man(?), even if you are married to him.

If you have to remove yourself from this situation for a while, do it, and let him stew in his own juice.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by redhed35

has something happened in your time together to make him mistrust you?

or has he always been this way.

its very difficult to change someone's mind when they are convinced what they believe is true,even when faced with hard facts.

suggest some marraige guidence for both of you,perhaps you can get to the root of the problem by this means.

---

No, nthing on my end happened, and yes he's always been this way,onlyn got worse when I went to work for my mom at a salon for hair, he them really started accusing me and I figured after 20 years let me try and tlk to him because what do I have to lose by this point, and it always turns into an argument, so I learned towalk away, and I even told him last night that if I did cheat I would have told him byn now and deep in my heart I think he did.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

What does your mother have to do with this?

Maybe he is the one cheating?

If your both willing to go to counsel then that is great. If not, it is time to make a decision.

---

I don't know what my mother has to do with it he thinkis she was in on it meaning she helped me to cheat?? Lol... I suggested counceling and he first said yes now says no... this will happen again in 3 months biiiig fight over his own self. So sick of it don't no what to do so tired of defending myself to him, and like I said I think he did cheat and I tld him that and he turns it around on me...

Don't put up with his accusations any longer,he has trust issues,he thinks you cheated,and you think he protests too much.

The grief this is causing in your marriage,and for 20 years,your obviously well used to his behaviour and able to ignore it to a great extent.

If your ready to walk,walk,if he's ready to deal then marriage councilling

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't defend it at all. Tell him keep his BS to yourself because if he keeps bringing it up, he sleeps on the porch until he grows up.

You don't have to put up with bad behavior especially from an insecure, immature man(?), even if you are married to him.

If you have to remove yourself from this situation for a while, do it, and let him stew in his own juice.

---

Well I tried the whole not responding or defending myself to him, hard tom do, my girlfriend said the same thing to remove myself for a while, hard you no? This is my house, so sick and tired. Its hard to be with someone who truly believes I cheated when in reality I mnever did but last night I tld him when I do I'll let him no. lol. I think in my gut tells me he did, I tld him this and no reply he manipulated me into it being me. I swear to mgod I never cheated on him.

It is obvious that he thinks that your mother is taking you away from him.

To accuse you of cheating all the time is well, not fair. If he refuses counseling then you need to go yourself.

Then decide to continue the marriage or not. How does he respond when you turn it back around on him and tell him he is probably the one that is cheating??

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by redhed35

dont put up with his accusations any longer,he has trust issues,he thinks you cheated,and you think he protests too much.

the grief this is causing in your marraige,and for 20 years,your obviously well used to his behaviour and able to ignore it to a great extent.

if your ready to walk,walk,if hes ready to deal then marriage councilling

---

What and how? How do I do this? Just up and leave? I think he needs to see what it's like not to have me around maybe? I can't stand him anymore and I tld him this that he makes me hate him although I no hate is a very strong word, I mean I do love him , but can't stand him, does this make sense?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

It is obvious that he thinks that your mother is taking you away from him.

To accuse you of cheating all the time is well, not fair. If he refuses counseling then you need to go yourself.

Then decide to continue the marriage or not. How does he respond when you turn it back around on him and tell him he is probably the one that is cheating???

---

I stopped tlking to my family for a long time, and when I turn it around back on him that's when he says see you're the fckin cheater that I'm trying to turn it on him, you no what I mean?

Why did you stop talking to your family?

There is a lot more issues and a bigger story here about the problems in the relationship.

I stopped talking to my mother because he makes me or made me believe she was the problem, he's a control freak and I no this now, I'm 40 and he's 48 and we been together for 20 years and my kids are 20 and 21 now and I'm free to go back to work and do what I want to do, and I don't think he likes it But I don't care what he thinks no more and he knows this, I told him to leave and how can he be with me if he thinks I cheated? And he says he gets over it then he starts thinking again, you no I just can't take it no more he needs help. I been wit only him and one other person whom died on me at a very young age, I don't know what his insecurities are, I really don't, my kids even see it, my sons like how and why do I put up wit his BS

I guarantee there were power struggles between your mother and your husband. That usually happens when couples get together and some parents are not willing to let their children go.

You have been married for a long time and you have adult children. You need to be able to do your own things. Without feeling guilty about it either from your mother or your husband.

And your right, there the same kind of people and I'm so sick of it, don't want to deal no more with these types of people

Then you need to make decisions to go in a direction that you want to go in. Not the direction from your mother or your husband but find what you want to do and make those choices and changes do be able to get it done.

He thinks you cheated, and you think he cheated. You communicate on the level of a couple of six year olds. Never resolving issues, blaming the other, fighting, never getting past the issue. Now blaming your mother. He thinks there is some conspiracy going on here, is it any wonder she doesn't ask him over for lunch?

After 20 years of marriage, you are doing your own thing, he's doing his, and neither of you are on the same page.

Your children are grown, and even they see that their dad dishes it out, and you take it, and have probably taken it for many years.

Why do you stay, and what do you expect to happen if the two of you can't even agree there are problems that need to be addressed and resolved.

I'm not sure what you are expecting by way of answers here. If you want me to say that your husband is a dink, OK, your husband is a dink. But what does that make you. All you've done is complain about how miserable and sick and tired you are. Do you want out, do you want in, are you prepared to work hard to save your marriage? Is he?

I'm very unclear as to what direction you are going.

I know where this is going, DIVORCE. It won't be long before some one gets so sick and tired of the BS, they leave.

Control freak, not good. Doesn't trust you, no good. Curses at you, no good. Divorce him, your like in an emotional roller coaster. Your kids are grown, kick him to the ground, and get away from him. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sully123

Control freak, not good. Doesn't trust you, no good. Curses at you, no good. Divorce him, your like in an emotional roller coaster. Your kids are grown, kick him to the ground, and get away from him. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

---

There are two sides to every story. They accuse each other of cheating. There are power struggles between the mother and husband. They are both controlling and she allowed it for many years. She needs to start leaving her own live and making her own decisions instead of letting both her mom and her husband telling her what she needs to do.

True. From everyone who answered my questions above & i thank you, last night was it for me and i tld him either we go to counsling or i'm out, he tried manipulating me again and i figured him out he reminds me of my mother and that's why they don't get along, he told me i lied to him and i didn't he told me i was hanging round my moms shop tlking to lil boys, i didn't, i remember having to walk away from male clients... for fear he wld find out and arugument wld be waiting, he tld me "15 YEARS AGO YOU JUST WERE NOT HAPPY WITH ME WORKING AND SUPPORTING YOU SO YOU WENT TO WORK FOR YOUR MOTHER" "WHY DID YOU DO THAT I DIDNT WANT YOU TO EVER MEET ALL THE GUYS I WORK WITH" all in all he wanted me to stay in a hole he never introduced me to anyone and when i finally got out of my house and wrked for my mom, he said i was cheating, which now he says he never said that, hes a mentally disturbed person, i tld him this and if nothing gets done, as i tried, i'm leaving. Oh and i was never allowed at his work tho, and i tld him this last night and he goes around the statements and questions i ask him, and i tld him it's ok for u to interegate me but when i ask you a question its" SEE THIS IS HOW YOU GET OUT OF IT ALL THE TIME BY TURNING IT AROUND ON ME"? Idk no more i'm exhausted, i tld him this and he said you're a liar and you stopped caring 8 months ago about me, so i guess hes not to stupid ciz hes right on the money, he also said if we go to thearpy your going to see how im rite and your wrong, and i tld him lets go than and let the dr decide...

Then go to the marriage councillor,put your on cards on the table and get this argument sorted.

If he won't go,you go on your own.

Both of you are so unhappy that for health reasons you should at least give it a try on your own.

If he won't listen,you need new communication skills to get across to him your feelings,and understand where his insecurities are coming from.

He is not going to stop this cycle,so you do it.

Start being proactive,stop dancing around the issues and get down to brass tacks.

I can't say if this is going to work out OK,but with councilling you will be better equipped to deal with him,its not the ideal marriage situation,but if your not going to leave,nor him,get some coping tools in place.

I don't ecuse him of cheating, what I say to him is if your accussing me of cheating than m8yb you did? And he turns it arounds on me... and says I turn it around on him, I'm a good mother,good wife,good friend,and good daughter and were has it gotten me, I tld him this past weekend if we both don't get help than our marriage is going to end.

Its strange. A few months ago I was convinced my fiancé is cheating on me. I was also convinced her mother helped her cover this up. Eventually without accusing my fiancé or ever mentioning my suspiciouns to her I got over it.

But I did figure out why I had these thought.
She was distant a lot.
Very moody.
Criticized almost everything I did.
Had a lot to talk about with others but with me she had nothing to say.

We eventually discussed what bothered me, except the cheating part, and since then I have not had these silly thoughts.

Could it be that you showed some of those signs?
Do you constantly moan about the dishes, or how he should have done something and not the way he did it?

Were you distant and always taking him for granted when his fantasies started?

Think about it. You don't have to answer. I just feel there are always 2 sides to a story and we only get to hear your side of it.
Oh yes. And one more thing.

It sounds like resentment has set it pretty deep. I don't blame you. But in most cases the problem is 50 50, and not 100 - 0

Hi to the OP,
I have read through the posts in this thread and I see in most of your replies that you and your SO are and have been arguing and throwing accusations at one another for some time, several years in fact.

I would possibly agree your partner is somewhat controlling however I don't think he's a control freak. ( there's a difference a huge one too)

If either one of you had played away from home Im sure there would be something to support those claims in more detail by now.

Maybe he has at some point in the past cheated, I doubt though he is ever going to admit it, and yes many people do show their own guilt by making accusations of same towards their partners.

You seem to have reached a stage of tit for tat, and both are digging your heels in, and unless you both put your pride on hold and consider what you have together then this relationships is on a one way course to disaster and no doubt divorce.

You say you've told him you're going to leave him, he possibly thinks to himself, " she wont she just says that", so how about you carry through with that threat, it could just be the wake up call he needs, or it could mean you get divorced.

You do though need to carry through with any threats like this, or you are merely wasting breath in saying them, the time for mere threats and talking about them has gone, you now have to take action.

Forget the house or who owns it or whose names are on the rent book, or mortgage papers/deeds etc. you can sort that side of it all out later.

If he is adamant he won't seek counselling together then go on your own, and one of the first things you'll be advised to do is, stop focusing on what he's said or done or your feeling you need to justify yourself to him.

You'll also be advised to go back to the time before you married, and remember what it was about him that you fell in love with, and why you feel that isn't there anymore, or if it is. You've obviously got a serious case of communications breakdown here, can you remember when it all started, and what do you personally feel was the reason for things going wrong, apart from the accusations of infidelity that is.

You could also try a softer approach, as in putting these adultery claims to one side, and being nice to him, you've obviously forgotten how to show each other affection, and unless one of you chooses to go past that and start showing the other some affection again, then it won't re appear, if you want this marriage saved though you are going to be advised to do this by a counsellor, so you could maybe make a start on this now.

Also there is another thing you could do, that being don't bite, ignore him when he accuses you of being unfaithful, he knows it gets a reaction out of you, and so he will use it to get at you, but if you refuse to bite, and keep doing this time after time, he will realise it no longer works, and eventually give it up.

You could give these suggestions a thought and maybe put some or part of them to work,
This all being down to whether you want to save your marriage or not. If you don't want to save it, then your best option is to carry out your threat and leave him.

One of you though needs to give sos to speak, being determined to score a point or prove your point isn't going to get either of you anywhere, so you decide are you the more mature of the 2 and can let it go, and ignore the accusations, or are you going to do battle until the bitter end, you know you've been a faithful wife, Im sure he does too.

Is it really worth all the hurt and pain you feel continuing as you are or not, its up to you, only you can change this by changing your attitude and approach to it. Be the adult here and consider the suggestions in this post and those of others here.

This marriage has far too much negative in it, give it some positive and it could grow from there..

Follow the link here for a step by step self help exercise that will show you how to handle confrontations in a more positive way.

Relationship-Help: Handle-Confrontation

This link will help you eliminate revenge or thoughts of.

eliminate revenge

If you are on the brink of this 'never ending battle' as you put it, of leaving him, you have missed some opportunities during the past five years that it has been going on, to address any and all issues related to the 'topic'.

Surely it must have bothered you 4 years ago, 1 year ago, 3 years ago. Why have you not insisted on marriage counselling. Did you think that his behaviour was going to change?

This is not about him thinking you cheated. This is about him being insecure, and not having the insight or desire to figure out why. He has to put some reason to why he feels the way he does, so he picks the cheating accusation. It's sure worked for a long, long time.

Counselling is not a place where you go to have a referee solve an argument. It is a place to find out not only why he feels so insecure, but why you have allowed this negative, toxic situation to continue year after year after year.

And still, your question implies that there is a simple answer to stop him from this false accusation.

If you are serious about addressing the issues, and saving your marriage, counselling is the only way to go to break down the behaviour and get to the real issues.

It has nothing to do with convincing him you are right, and he is wrong. You are both playing with a topic that is not worthy of consideration in the first place; time to put the issue aside, and figure out how to address the real problems.

Mediation is very important in marriage counseling. The thing is I do not believe that anybody is just clearly right or wrong. Also the counselor is not there to referee or decide who is right or wrong. The counselor is there to provide an oppurtunity of learning how to actually listen to each other without accusations. Learn new skills of communications and the work is between you and your husband. It is things that you both need to do to improve on the communication and hopefully work on your issues together with somebody there to keep things on the level.

I totally agree with you, amd did just that I tried the whole being nice very nice approach, he actually went out with me yesterday and said " theres that smile and grin i havent seen in years you like like a school girl and i finally made you blush"

I only became didtant when I realised recently that I didn't have to put up with his bs,moody? No, he is which in return makes me,not criticizing I'm very supportive of him,I don't have many people to talk to although my son works with him and tells me he's a

sosickndtired : I totally agree with you, amd did just that I tried the whole being nice very nice approach, he actually went out with me yesterday and said " theres that smile and grin i havent seen in years you like like a school girl and i finally made you blush"

That's brilliant it seems you've made a break through and its working, Im so happy for you, and I hope yesterdays going out with him is the start of you and he rebuilding your relationship, and may you both live happily ever after.

You did good and if you can keep it up Im sure this will all be behind you in no time. Great news Well Done...

Awesome news. Glad he made you blush. Just keep working at it.
I think many couples go downhill because they forgot that their relationship actually required active effort regardless of how many years they are together.

Just saying, not implying this was the cause in your situation.