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10 years ago I found an account that my husband had opened without me knowing. When I questioned him about it he said that it was none of my business and that when he worked overtime he put the extra money in there. He said he wouldn't do it again without lettinh me know first. Here we are 10 years later and I have found another one, again opened behind my back. Haven't comfronted him yet. He controls our finances and is the last word on any money spent. This is getting to me now. Thanks
From the previous experience, do you know why he feels the need to keep this from you?
If he's truly only saving it for a rainy day then why not tell his wife?
I don't blame you for being upset... he shouldn't be hiding something like that from his wife.
You two need to have a talk. He said he wouldn't do it again so now you have a betrayal of trust
Thank you for your suggestions. I believe he doesn't trust me with money, why I don't know. I have never been able to suggest a big ticket item without getting no constantly. He is very money conscious, to the extreme. When it was time for a new vehicle he said he would buy me a car as it was cheaper on gas. I wanted a van as I had to drive my kids everywhere for hockey and I felt safer. He told me if I wanted a van I had to pay for it from my inheritance money. Doesn't make sense to me. I feel I'm not worthy of thye family finances as much as he is.
You still need to talk to him.
I suppose he can save money without your knowing it, but to tell you he will not do it again and then does do it again it just sneaky. His attitude in my opinion is disrespectful to you.
I would suggest you put a little aside yourself.
Any woman who is not working outside the home should stick a little away for herself. My grandmother use to call it "just in case money"
I always had funds in a box that was my private stash. Something I could spend at my discretion.
I actually do work outside the home but all my money goes to groceries ( 4 teenage/ early twenties sons) gasmoney my personal stuff( haircuts etc ) and vet bills and pet food. I don't have the capacity to earn as much as my husband as I stayed home to raise my boys. A few years ago I wanted to go back to school to retrain for a new job but my husband said that I was being selfish and only thinking of myself, what about him and the kids.
The "your inheritance money" caused me to stop and think - do you have money (inherited or not) which is your stockpile and which is not in his name?
Maybe he just wants to be on equal footing.
I'd have an open conversation with him - this type of behavior (to me) indicates some other agenda. I'm an investigator and a secret bank account is very often sign #1 that there's a problem.
Marriage counseling, and agree to pay all bills together,and set up agreed to budgets to live with
You need to talk and get things into the open, and don't be surprised at what you hear.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...en-478729.html
When I looked at this thread I realized you haven't been working that long, so you really have not gotten into a groove yet, nor established a set financial pattern, but a guy your husbands age has no reason to be so secretive as long as your not doing the same. I refer to your inheritance specifically as you don't seem to mind him not having access to that money, but continue to spend his. Hmmm! I think you talk about it, or let me know if I am wrong, as he seems to be doing what you are doing, guarding his money. Money he worked for with OVERTIME.
A guy his age is winding down, and wants a secure future for retirement, and he deserves that, after working, and raising a family, and its more important now than before that you get on the same page, so you can continue working together.
This is not the time to be broke, as you have teens, who may go to college, and one that has flitted away a lot of money, AND BACK AT HOME.
Makes perfect sense to me.Quote:
I wanted a van as I had to drive my kids everywhere for hockey and I felt safer. He told me if i wanted a van i had to pay for it from my inheritance money. Doesn't make sense to me.
He must be doing something right, and sounds responsible (4 kids and a wife and they can go to college?? ), and maybe what's needed is since you work, and have your own money(and an inheritance) maybe you just need time to prove you are as frugal with the household finances as he is.Quote:
I feel I'm not worthy of the family finances as much as he is.
I think you should be patient, very patient, and talk to the guy who has worked hard to get you this far and give you a great life. As you have given him a great home to have a life with.
I can see why I sound like a spoiled rotten wife who stashes away my money but spends my husbands. I guess I didn't fully explain the situation as that couldn't be further from the truth but thanks for your insight anyway.
If your husband needed your income, I'm sure he would have been thrilled to have you re train for a better paying job.Quote:
Originally Posted by hurt mum
He sounds like the kind of man who as the principle breadwinner thinks he is entitled to all of the say, have all the power and allowing you to earn more money takes away his say and power.
Do you have a large sum in inheritance money? If so, may be that is why he has such a "this is my money" attitude, in which case he should talk to you about what he is feeling instead of being so secretive. Have that talk with him. You are not a second class citizen because you raised his sons.
I'm still not understanding why he has a secret stash of money, why he didn't tell you about the first one and then lied about the second. This separate money thing sounds a bit suspect to me.
I don't think you sound that way.Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtmum
You work. You pay for food, you pay vet bills you take care of your personal needs. It sounds like you are being frugal.
Don't get defensive, just enlighten me to the facts of the matter. Help me understand why this is all him, and Not you too.
I have been through a similar disconnect, and I know its never all one partner, and not the other, and the solution is not one changing to please the other. Its always BOTH partners working together to resolve the issues. I know your not spoiled, those are your attitudes NOT mine, as I have always known the value that my wife brings to the table, if not in money, but time, and effort it takes to raise kids, and make house a home. It is invaluable, and more work, and sacrifice than going to work.
Yes our finances are unequal also, and we discuss for days, weeks, and months, on the big ticket items, just as you do, she has an allowance, and so do I, but I don't hide money, neither does she, but we work within our own skills, and lifestyle, and I can't imagine she would not sit me down and get facts, and give input.When you first found he was hiding money, have you asked if he was doing it again, and why?? That where you start, and NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS is not an answer. So don't take it!! Get the facts here, then decide what needs to be done, as your right, there is something missing that you haven't told us.Quote:
Here we are 10 years later and i have found another one, again opened behind my back. Haven't confronted him yet.
Don't mean to sound harsh, and I am not taking sides, but to be honest, I feel this is less about finances, and more about how you two have come to relate to one another, and the finances are just the tip of the iceberg.
If you think its hard now, wait until you both go through the "change" at mid life, and become empty nesters! That's when the real fun begins.
I agree with Tal.
You said that we don't fully understand, because we don't know everything. Well tell us. We can only base our opinions, our advice, on the info you give us.
To me it sounds like you have a job that pays for groceries, your beauty expenses and pet expenses. You also have an inheritance, apparently enough that your husband felt comfortable telling you to use it if you wanted a particular vehicle that he didn't agree with.
Do you share your inheritance with him? What does he pay for?
Personally I never understood the marriages that have his and her money. We pool our resources, it's all family money. When my husband and I got married I was the bread winner, I made almost double what he made, worked longer hours. We had and still have one bank account. Whatever money is made goes into that account. Whatever expenses need to be paid come out of that account. If I need a new car, then we discuss it. If he needs a new car, we discuss it.
When I got pregnant, we decided that I'd stay home. He got a better job, and now I'm still a stay at home mom, housekeeper, cook, nurse, vet, lawn maintenance, laundry girl, psychologist, snow shoveler, school bus, you name it, I do it. I don't bring in any money right now, but the money we have has never been his, or mine. It's ours.
I received a very substantial inheritance in 2001. It didn't go into my account. There was no "If you want a van then use your inheritance money" because it was never mine. I'm married, what I have is his, what he has is mine.
He's hiding money on you, got his own account, you have your own stash your own account, you split your bills. It's not surprising that he's doing what you do, and that's not sharing money. You seem so mad that he has his own secret account, but you have your own account too, your inheritance, it's just not a secret.
That's how I see it. If I'm wrong, then please, by all means, tell me the whole story. I just don't understand the his and mine thing when you're supposed to be a couple.
I don't see anything that indicates she is not sharing her inheritance money or that her money is even a large sum.
What I see is a husband who is hiding money and has done it twice.
A husband who feels his wife is only entitled to what he wants to give her.
Maybe he feels the need to keep a hidden nest egg for a rainy day. I would be more worried about him not giving you an equal say on the day to day business. Your vote DOES matter, and you are right about wanting to ride in a safe vehicle that carries your children. He's more worried about the gas mileage, that's not normal.
He has been dishonest TWICE, yes. But why does he feel the need to be secretive about "his" extra money? What's up with the inheritance? Do you keep that money separate?
Did you just come across it(the bank book)? Or were you having to investigate the matter?
I work with a guy just like this. He is constantly lying to his wife about money. She doesn't know about the frequent bonuses that we get.
In our house, it's all put together. One family, one pool of funds. There is no "mine".
You two should try to talk it out. Get counseling.
I don't think that finances should be held a secret, period. Both of you bring income in, and it is the total that counts, because that is what you budget everything for. You account for all your money, and where it goes, why shouldn't he.
I'm not sure what the inheritance has to do with anything. Your husband probably has pension deductions off his cheque that are put away for retirement, I imagine that your inheritance is for the same thing, but I don't know.
If you think of equality and balance, money is just a small part of it. It sounds like you do everything else, and you're expected to do so with a noose around the bank accounts. The value of raising your own children, running a house, planning every penny around the small income you bring in, is no easy task. Nor will you likely ever catch up in those lost years of earnings, because of your unpaid work.
He earns the money, for the family. It does not solely belong to him, that is his main contribution, but it is not the only contribution in keeping a family and home up and running. Everybody contributes in some way.
I agree with Judy that a secret bank account or accounts, signifies something. If he is already in charge of the money, why does he need to hide some of it. You wouldn't have access to it anyway.
This is very unbalanced to me. He keeps you in the dark, and keeps you more as hired help than a partner.
Thank you very much to everybody who have offered me their expert advice, and yes without giving you all the facts from every situation makes it a lot more difficult to offer constructive advice( 25 years of marriage is a long time ) . I believe that talaniman had mentioned that the money issues might not be the only issues, but just part of a larger problem, I tend to agree. When the children were small I felt very strongly about staying home to raise them, finances permitting. My husband wanted me to earn an income as he felt that he had to work so why shouln't I. So I decided to do homecare so I could stay home to be with the boys. I didn't make huge amounts of money but after the birth of each child I took 2 months to get back on my feet and started doing daycare again. I enjoyed beinghome with my boys and felt my children were also benefiting from socializing and learmimg to share. Most of my charges stayed with me for 5 years or longer so they became like part of the family and my kids still keep in touch with a few of them to this day, 15 years later. When I received my inheritance I wanted it to be part of the family bank acct but my husband told me to keep it separate. He knew how much it was and it was never kept from him. However for the next few years anything that the kids or I needed my husband said well you';ve got money take it out of that. So literally nothing extra other than everyday bills were coming out of the joint bank account. But it only lasts so long. Just before I had received the inheritance I had asked my husband if we could get some living room furniture for the living room as it had been empty for 5 years. He said there 's no money for that if you want living room furniture you'll have to save from your dayca money. Less than 3 weeks later my husband talked about getting a boat and said we should go boating instead of camping ( which the kids and I enjoyed immenselyu and besides if there s no money for furniture where are you going to get money for a boat. He had it in a credit union that I knew nothing about. I was quite shocked that after asking for living room furniture on many occasions and being told there was no money for that and all of a sudden $20,000 appeared to buy a boat. Of course I questioned that and was told that it was his extra money and he worked hard and was entitled to spend it on something he wanted. I would have had no problem with this if it had been discussed first and he hadn't been so secretive about the money. I asked him that if this was something he really wanted then to please not wipe the bank acct out right before the kids break for summer vacation because I would like us to be able to do some things with them in the summer. The bank acct was reduced to nothing and we weren't able to do anything all summer. If the kids got a new outfit the try it on and be all excited about how they looked and go and show their dad and he would say right in front of them to me , what you buying them new clothes for they don't need them or deserve them, they were all of 5 years old, the dejected look on their face brought tears to my eyes. They later related to me many years later that they felt lilke they didn't deserve anythinmg new and that dad loved money more than them
I kind of figured it was something along those lines. Sounds typical to be honest, but you have been doing things this way for a long time, and it seems successfully, but no doubt, maybe its time for some changes, and adjustments on both your parts.
Over night changes are not realistic, but small ones can be made like full disclosure, and transparency going forward is a start.
Sorry you got one of those guys who wants a woman to work, as they have to, that's something you have to live with. A choice you made, (but I admire how you did it, and still got to stay home, so you are creative and resourceful) but now your working yourself, and there is no reason you can't put something aside for a rainy day. He has done it so it must be okay for you too.
Just don't get mad if tightwad still saves his, and insists that you pay for your own ideas, which sound good to you, but never will to him.
But you can work on him slowly, and LOL,I be darned if my wife doesn't get me to donate my allowance to her brilliant ideas from time to time, but I'm easy. I doubt he is, but over time, with you being creative, and resourceful, you never know.
Thank you for reading such a long post talaniman and suggesting some ideas for moving forward. My husband has been both emotionally and verbally abusive in the past to all of us and I thought that by staying as a family was better than exposing the kids to separate homes and an unstable life, I think however that it is not always good for children to be witness to such behaviour. I was always one to keep the peace for the kids sake but I feel that's where a lot of problems started as I was not assertive and allowed myself and my children to be pushed around
I have to speard some rep, but I agree with you Jake2008Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
Your husband sounds controlling, selfish and abusive and I have a feeling that one day you are going to wake up and ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life this way and the answer is gong to be No!
He sounds like a grade A selfish prick to me. It's OK for him to have his big stash to do with as he pleases and as I stated in a previous post, he only gives you what he wants to give you, what he feels you deserve.
I suggest you put away what you can because that is the only way you can have the things you need and want as long as you're with him.
I wish you well.
Thank you homegirl50
We had a friend in your situation sometime ago, with a husband who hoarded his money, and was a real cheapskate. They divorced, and she got half of his savings, the house and the car. So encourage him to keep saving, you will get it one way or another. Voluntarily, or a guy in a robe, will force him, so don't let this get you down too much.
You have put up with him have raised his children and you deserve to be treated with more respect. He can be cheap but he can also respect you.
Have you ever suggested marriage counseling?
If you have, my guess is he has said no.
Yes homegirl50 we have been to marriage counselling on 2 different occasions but he committed to only 2 sessions and said that we didn't need anybody else to help us figure out our problems we could do it ourselves. I think he got very uncomfortable when the consellor started hitting a nerve and refused to go back.The emotional and verbal abuse is not quite as bad as previous years but the financial control is still very much there.
Despite everything, you managed. Your children are proof that you did your job, and did it very well. Running daycare IS work. Not great pay, but, it serves a social purpose, and you benefited as well. Perhaps your greatest achievement will be in how you raised your children, and that is nothing to sneeze at.
I don't know what I would have done had my husband said 'no' to furniture in an empty room, but yes to a $20,000 boat. Likely I would have sunk it- with him in it- attached to a few bricks. ;)
It's also, I think, quite natural, after a very long marriage, to just go with the flow to keep everybody on an even keel (pardon the pun), and to go without yourself. You did find a way to fill the void when your husband came up short in contributing.
Do you have access to the bank accounts? Is the inheritance you talk of, still available, or have you had to dip into that over the years.
I don't know what you're thinking but I suspect that with all the years you have put in, and with your children being older, are you considering separating?
Just throwing that in the ring here.
You might want to consider telling him (not asking him) that you want to go to marriage counselling, and, you want full disclosure of ALL the bank accounts, and what the balances are. If you are not joint on them, ask for that as well.
It may seem too little too late, but for yourself esteem and confidence you are not asking anything that any wife wouldn't. Put yourself on equal footing, so that you can come up with something more workable.
Can you give us some more background into your husband? Most of us guys are a product of what we have been through. Maybe his father was the same way and that's all he knows. No excuse of course, but insightful.
He is not going to change the only thing that can change is you and only you know when and how that change will take place.
Hold on to your job, that will be your sanity and your security.
I wish you well.
Jake 2008 thanks for your thoughtful reply. We actually did separate a few years back.I left as things were unbearable at the time. I gave my sons the option of coming with me ( my youngest two were the only ones living at home at the time ) they were 14 and 16 at the time I ssaid to them that I understood that their friends were in the area and their personal stuff was at the house and that I didn't want to uproot them from their usual routine unnecessarily. I also made it clear to them that I was in no way abandoning them and I would respect their decision if they opted to stay. I explained to them that I needed some time away to sort out the way I felt about things that had happened between my husband and I ( without going into too much detail ).They opted to stay in the house with their dad and we kept in touch everyday. After 2 days they called me and said please come and get us we can't handle thois dad is trying to be a dad to us after all these years and we can't handle it .That ship has sailed ( my youngest sons words not mine ). I said I would come and get them if that';s what they truly wanted, but to give their dad a chance as maybe he was trying to make up for all the yeatrs he was emotionally absent from their lives. They still insisted they wanted out so we were all seperatted from my husband for 6 weeks. He was a model husband doing and saying everything right and begging me to come back on the promise that everything was going to be different. At the time I wasn't aware of the circle of abuse but have since learned a lot more about it. Needless to say I went back with great expectations. Things were great for a while after a couple of counselling sessions, but gradually things returned to the way they were. My inheritance is mostly gone because I dipped into it for anything that the kids and I needed to avoid confrontation abouy going into the joint account for money, so for 4 years I barely touched the joint account and my husbsand obviously managed to save quita a substantial amount of money. I do not disagree with each spouse having a separate acct for a little fun money and a joint account for all household expenses. Not on the sly though. If my husband had come to me and said that he had earned some overtime money and that he was putting it away for a rainy day for future unexpected expenses. It all becomes too suspicious when it' so secretive. He has an obsession with stashing every single penny away for his retirement. Was I consulted on what those plans entailed nooo it didn't seem to matter what I wanted for retirement as long as he was working towaeds completing his plans.Talaniman.. to answer your question my husband was raised by a mother who was very controlling and a father who was not a good role model as he spent no time with his children and his mother made all the major decisions. My husband has a hughe habg up about women telling what to do. I cannot ask him to do anything wiothout him turning around and commenting that no woman is ever going to trll him anything. SAn example.. the other day I was a bit concerened about one of my sons who had a rough first year at college, my son had confided with me a bit but I thought he might be a bit mo open with another male rather than me his mother. I explained the situation to my husband and asked very nicely if he could possibly try to talk to my son to see if there was something he wanted to talk about. His answer was what makes you think he's going to open up to me. I said he may not but it's worth a try. His response was why should I talk to him just because you want me too, if you want to see if he's OK you talk to him. I've always had this response when it comes to dealing with the kids unless it has to do with money. I asked him if you won\t do it for him would he please try for me. Still no. Fast forward a few days I casually mentioned that I had talked to my son about some food he had unnessecarily wasted and thrown in the garbage. Because it involved wasting food which in his eyes was wasting money he wasted no time in talking to him and disciplining him about wasting money. Pretty sad that a father would not want to be involved in seeing if something was bothering his son but was on him right away when he thought he was wasting food ( just a banana ) I should nt have even said anything in passing
Sometimes, coming from a history of control, that pattern repeats itself. Sometimes, knowing where you came from you learn and change as to not repeat it.
That being said, I don't think there is any excuse to justify his behaviour toward you. During the busy years, it's easy to get lost in time with all the responsibilities, and taking care of the needs of your children. That alone is a very big investment of time, and a good chunk of your life.
But, I wonder if you aren't seeing him in sharper focus now. Do you think about moving on? Having your own place, under your own steam, and the independence that comes along with that.
Or, is there still love there. Enough to head into the retirement years, and enjoy them, and find happiness? Is he capable of changing now? Is it worth the effort?
Maybe that chapter is yet to be written.
I am hurt about the financial deception but more so about the lack of trust and the need to keep secrets and the controlling behaviour
It is understandable that you would be concerned about all that you have described. But, despite everything, I don't hear you bashing him, or putting him down. The facts are pretty obvious when you lay them down the way you do.
I'm sort of leading into uncomfortable territory here when I ask you, the way things are, and have been for so long, what do you think needs to be done to change this situation- for you. What do you want out of the relationship now at this stage of your life.
Is he capable of change? Would he attend counselling and give that another shot? Is there any love left between the two of you?
I think you can love your husband, not bash him but know that you are unhappy and don't want to spend your remaining years with him.
My situation was very similar to this.
There has been no bashing and I love him dearly, was married for 33 years but he won't change and I will not live the rest of my life this way. I left almost 2 years ago and we will be divorced soon.
We get along fine, but I know I would never go back.
Sometimes love is not enough so you have to ask yourself if you want to continue to live that way.
Yes homegirl 50 you are absolutely right you can have feelings for a person that's put you through hell but still realizee that you don't want that for your future and make the decision to move on. I haven't been bashing him as that's not my nature, which is why I've probably let him walk all over me in the past. I know I need to be a lot more assertive in many aspects of my life, but it doesn't happen over night.
I used to be able to bounce back after the hurtfull things he';s done in the past but recently I've found it harder and harder as I feel I have no respect left for him. I just feel numb, which is probably not the best way to be feeling if the relationship were to be mended and to move forward
I can sympathize with you.
There comes a time when enough is enough. After the kids are out or almost out you don't feel the purpose there and then you ask yourself "is this all there is?"
No one can answer that but you.
Had to spread the rep Homegirl, but I agree. Time to re-evaluate.
It is a very difficult decision to make, but necessary however. Yes staying for the children's sake will come to an end and then it will be only the two of you and you have to ask yourself cani live the rest of my life like this. You get into such a habit of keeping the peace so life is less confrontational but there comes a time when enough is enough and you have to start thinking of yourself
I do not know where you are from but most places are 50/50. I wold find the bank accout take your marriage license and withdraw half. You are in your right to. Please don't stay and risk your emotional health. I hope everything works out for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrshodges
This is very incorrect legal advice - a wife is NOT entitled to half of anything which is solely in her husband's name UNLESS/UNTIL there is a Court Order to that effect.
If you have law to the contrary, please post it.
In NY this would be fraud and is a felony. I am not aware that the law is different in any other State.
I am in ontario canada.Not sure if the laws are the same in canada
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