My new wife looks so hot with she dresses in her short skirt and tights. She is open and friendly, she is asian and new to this country want to improve her english, always polite and worries about offending people.
I am a little insecure about my appearance as I am a little overweight. On occasions I have noticed that she takes notice if an OK looking guy walks past, it does bother me.
Because of her nature I am worried the guys who are much braver than me in approaching women will try to 'score' and my wife just thinking she is making a new friend who could help with her english. She just doesn't see the danger in this. I just see it as potential threat. We have talked about this an it usually end up with her being upset thinking that I am just a jealous guy. Perhaps I am. How do I approach this? Any help will be welcome.

Well stop being so insecure for one.

You always questioning her, is not good. It will just show that you are jealous and instead of staying with you. She will eventually find someone else because of the way you have acted.

You are newly married and already worried about her. She is sexy, guys will look or want to score but guess what. It is her decision on whether she does anything with anybody.

I would assume marriage means something to both of you, how long have you known her for?

Just because she looks hot does not mean anything, just because you have self esteem issues about yourself are your own issues. Stop making it hers too.

Thanks
I have know her a short time really, she has a teenage daughter so I know she wouldn't do anything to jeopardise the marriage.

You are right, insecurity is my problem. I am just afraid that if she accepts an invitation for coffee from on of these, currently fictional, guys they will see at 'that was easy' but again she will see it as gaining a friend. And of course, now she knows my thinking will be hesitant in talking to me about it... but I know I can't say, you are not allowed to have friends... just not male friends. I feel sick just thinking about the 'what ifs'. Therapy right?


She made the comment after seeing photos of my family, 'Oh, your brother is more handsome than you'. When I mentioned it hurt my feelings, she said it was just a joke.

I want to talk to her more about want she thinks and how she feels about different things so I can get to be comfortable with her/my feelings, but the more I ask her questions then more it seems I am being a being paranoid by making up scenarios in my head. Therapy, I know.

Counseling is important. You know what do not think that your alone. We have all needed guidance and one point or another in life. What needs to be figured out is why are you so stuck on the what ifs. Friends do not equal sex. Why do you think that she will be that easy?

Do you have female friends? How does your wife feel about female friends.

Be quite honest with you I have been married for 5 years. My wife knows that I get along with women better then men. Most of my friends are women, not men. Does that mean I want to have sex with any of my women friends, or have some sort of relationship with any of my women friends. The answer is no.

You need to stop thinking of the what ifs, and start thinking about what is there with you right now. Your married, you have a step daughter and friends can be just friends.

The what ifs might never happen and if they ever did then deal with it then, but what your doing is creating a problem that does not even exist... Which will and might send your wife running else where. I know you do not want that.

Good luck with everything and get some counseling that will help you work through your issues. Hope you work past them and actually enjoy your marriage...

"New wife"

I would have that you guys worked all of this out before.

But..

I would communicate with her how you feel when she acts or says those things. Make a times to do that. Don't shove stuff under the carpet.
That's a bad start. Honesty is always best.

And also take a look at yourself and your insecurities. Lots of button pushing going on.

All good relationships are built on trust. Whether it be romantic or not. Friends, family, co-workers, whoever.

Get on this one before it turns into something else.

Be honest with her how you feel. Why did u guys get married if you didn't know anything about her? And her you? I have learned that being jealous only makes it worse. You have to be comfortable with who you are. Maybe like the others have said marriage counseling is a really good option here.

What everybody is missing here too, is there is defiantly a culture difference, language difference and it can become a barrier and tear things apart. It is not easy being with somebody from a different culture, different language because there will be misunderstandings and thoughts that might be different.

For me personally, even if somebody is more attractive say according to your wife. Your brother is more attractive. That does not necessarily mean it is better or that she would be more willing to be with your brother. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everybody sees things differently but not most important aspect of a marriage or partnership. Nor should it be.

Thank you, it helped to actually put the words down.
I have female friends, one of 12 years who is married and has a daughter. She seems to know me better than me. My wife has met her and her family and has asked me some questions but I don't know for sure how she feels.
As you do, I get along better with women than men, and when I was single, did I want to have sex with my friend of 12 years, you bet, but I knew that wasn't going to happen although I always hoped. Generally speaking, I have always believed that a guy will always be a friend to a woman, married or single, in the hope that somewhere down the track something will happen at some point. So that's where I get my paranoia from.
Thanks for listening and your feedback... it did help..
Had a call earlier from my wife who mentioned that her friend Kelly was free today and was meeting her at the shopping mall... she called about two hours later asking how my day was, I asked about hers and whether she catch up with Kelly... No not Kelly, Kevin [her old flatmate, who happens to live in an apartment across the road from us]. I brushed it aside, but I wasn't really happy about that. Just left me with a big knot in the stomach. Counselling may be the answer. Thank again


Thanks Vanheart and Mineedhelp
We met a short while ago, I had a good feeling about her, the right age for me and she has a daughter so I felt she was stable. I asked to marry me shortly afterwards, she said yes. Now of course we are getting to know about each others quirks. And I am discovering how insecure I am because of my appearance and because of past bad relationships. But she is beautiful and I do feel as though I am the luckiest man in the world.


I was curious the other day as I couldn't reach my wife by phone so I logged on the track her phone and found she was at the local TAFE, I called her and got through I asked where she was, she answered 'oh at the shopping mall'.. clearly she wasn't.. I mentioned that it didn't sound like a shopping mall, she replied 'oh I am not in the centre yet'
When I got home and asked how her day was, she said it was OK, and I was going the toilet at the library across the road from the shopping mall when you called. Of course I couldn't tell her that she was a liar because I saw the GPS location, but I was puzzled as to why she could say she was where she was. Why lie. I tried to be honest about my feelings but again it just came out that I was a jealous guy... sorry guys for the burden. I truly appreciate the feedback

Clickaus,

I am sorry to say that your story keeps getting bigger and bigger and I have just been answering based on the info you give. After I give my thoughts then all this other stuff comes out of the wood work. Hard to answer, and keep changing answers based on all this newer information.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING A MUST. Can not get any clearer then that. Going over everything is just going to make your second guessing about her even worse.

Thanks again... counselling OK. It is me not her I am sure

Maybe it is both of you, but since your married. It would be good for you both to learn how to work together as a married couple.

I understand the cultural differences.

But you knew that. Right?

"We met a short while ago, I had a good feeling about her, the right age for me and she has a daughter so I felt she was stable. I asked to marry me shortly afterwards, she said yes. Now of course we are getting to know about each others quirks."

What you said was very honest & key. To why you are with her & your expectations. What about hers?

The more you communicate with her the better.

Ask her. Make sure those reasons are not just words, but actual actions & reality. On both of your parts. And continue that way.

Both giving equally.

Maybe you both are hung up on her beauty. What's underneath?

If its cultural, work that out. Regardless, whatever culture, religion or background, treat ones as you wish to be treated.

Human level stuff.

Sounds like you rushed into this. How long did you know her before?

We have know each other just a few months.
Met in Early January, went on a mini break on 26 Jan and Proposed, married March 7.
You have a good point ' What about hers?' As in why is she with me and what are her expectations. She was brutely honest with me when I asked her to 'go steady' for want of a modern vernacular, she said that I wasn't so handsome but she can see and feel that I am an honest sincere guy. Which is why I get hung up when she mentions that someone is handsome or when I notice her checking out other guys.
And yes my family and some friends suggest that I rushed into it but I was just so tired of being alone and wanting a stable relationship this lady seemed to fit the bill.

I hear a lot of handsome & beautiful, but not a whole lot underneath.

Talk to her about all of this. Don't be afraid to do so.

If not, then you will be at the mercy of unjustified thoughts.

You're married. And off to an unstable start.

Sort it out w/her now. Not later.

Maybe take a REAL hard look at why you got with her, proposed, and married her.

Is she it?

Im an art director and my ex was a stylist.

Believe me, there was a lot of handsome & beautiful in our lives.

Superficial. Real beauty is is within.

And recognizing that.

I'm going to have to be the one to say it. She is making you feel insecure. She is the probem in that aspect. I see nothing good coming out of this. You just met and you are married? This has red flags all over. You need counceling ASAP! This is crazy! What have you done? What are you doing? You failed to date long enough to know what you were getting into and it seems like you are paying for your mistakes. Sorry to say, but you don't know your wife at all. You went way too fast and now you're crashing and burning. I hate divorce but it seems like it's your only hope for a good life.I'm so sorry for you! Good luck man.

Um, I read you original and then your subsequent posts and my heart sank. You've only known her 3 months, she's a different nationality to you, she's really good looking, and you don't know her at all.

My alarm bells are ringing here. Did she marry you to stay in the country or to get citizenship?

I honestly apologize if I'm making an assumption or a judgment here but from what you've written I can't see that the marriage was based on love - she married you (quote) because you're an honest not a handsome guy (unquote), you married her because she's hot and now you're worried because she checks out other guys, and seemingly meets them for coffee, and goes to the TAFE not the shopping mall.

Um, I suspect you may have reason to be concerned. What is your marriage really based on?

Lots of truth there.

You don't even know each other.
How do you connect, daily?

Sounds like she's an opportunist with a kid, sick of struggling &looking for some nice guy.
To love, screw, if she has to & support her.

All the while she's looking for a better sugar daddy.

Talk to her. You obviously can do that if you married her.

How old are you both?

Does she work?

Did she have her own things when you met, or was she living at home with parents?

How does she support herself?

How did you meet?

What do you know of her background?

What is your background, and career?

I don't care how long, or detailed your responses are, but need the information to form an opinion.

You jumped into this, now you have to deal with it. Without establishing communications, neither of you can make this work. You have so much to learn about one another, or you will crash and burn. Yes you have personal issues, but I have many questions. Many, as there is a lot of work to be done.

Thanks to you all. Everyone seems to have a valid observation.

Talaniman
Answers to your questions.
I am 55 she is 43, her daughter 17
Currently she doesn't work [too much time on her hands] as she is here on a Guardian visa whilst her daughter is studying [under 18]. She had a few things as she planned only to be here for 2 years, in China she has her own place. So I guess she has budgeted to be here for two year whilst the daughter's father support her school fees.
We met online, dating agency, as soon as we established we were an item we both cancelled our subscription.
In China she is a Medical Practitioner, big family of 2 brothers 4 sisters [she is number 3].
Up to now, she has been there for me in every way, she appears to be genuine in her intentions. Can't be sure that she married for love although she says she loves me, usually after I say so to her. Sex is good although she isn't an overly affectionate or adventurous whereas I am, in my looking for the re-assurance I guess.
I tend to over analyse all actions and non-actions looking for answers/acknowledgements to my insecurities/uncertainties etc.
I truly love this person and would be comfortable the rest of my life, in an uncomplicated life and she has said she is looking for the same I just need re-assurance that is so. Constantly.
I understand that different culture and language are at play here and maybe sometimes there is a misunderstanding because of this, I just need to be re-assured that she isn't consciensly out looking for 'a better model', in the guise of meeting new friends to improve her english.
Happy to say more if needed. Thanks everyone for your input

Additionally, I know it isn't right to 'spy' via the mobile GSP [bad experience caught my ex partner cheating this way] so naturally a little paranoid, when I noticed she lied about where she was when I phoned it made my heart sink. Should I address this with her or put it out of my mind [which is difficult]. I cannot let on that I had observed her via GPS obviously.

You jumped in rather quick, so I suggest you get over the insecurity real fast, and the need for reassurance immediately!!

You have no choice but to trust unconditionally, and leave the rest of that BS behind.

If you were so worried what her motives were, it should have been addressed before marriage, so now act like you can handle it, a stop spying, and crying, and treat this as the golden time in your life.

Let it all hang out, and throw caution to the wind, and get beyond your fears.

Any more questions?

Thank you
So are you suggesting I shouldn't discuss with her what worries me. I know I have to stop the questioning. But I need to her thoughts on some matters from time to time how else do I get to understand her point of view

No what is being said is do not question so much. If your always bringing up things to her then she will know that you do not trust her.

You need to talk to each other as couples but do not always let your insecurities be the discussion which so far all it has been about.

Please get some series counseling and no do not discuss everything that worries you.

Men, I am questioning how she truly deals with you. You are your own worst enemy.

I would communicate to her what you are feeling. And the things she says that put you down & perpetuate jealousy.

After all, this, in a way is all in your head. Insecurities.

She hasn't cheated.

I would also talk about your future and how that will transpire. You mentioned she was only going to there for 2 years.

You both need to make a plan. Like Tal said, you made the decision to marry her. Now its about being unconditional. Stand by your decision.

First off enjoy your honeymoon, they don't come around often. You have to realize you basically skipped through the have fun getting to know each other stage and for the rest of the year, That's YOU.

Save that deep, depressing, super serious stuff for next year after she has see some of your good points.

Very true.

Never got to know each other. Nows the time to do so.
Have fun together instead of stressing.

clickaus,
My take on this is that you are steadily eroding and destroying what could be a comfortable and loving marriage. It's important that you demonstrate more trust in your wife. If you are so insecure about your own attractiveness, get serious about losing some weight and getting fit. Put your energy into that instead of tracking her every move and assuming the worst about her at every moment. Replace the time you now spend checking the phone and the gps by going to the gym. Give up soft drinks and switch to whole fruits and vegetables. Be serious.

I'm also really bothered that you say you married her in part because you think she won't leave you because she has a child, as if the child is some sort of financial hostage in this situation. This is really sad. You are not thinking in terms of mutuality or creating a safe and loving environment for your new daughter, but only of guarding your treasure, like Midas. The woman you married is a person, not a possession. Wake up! You will drive her away if you continue thinking the way you do. It's not just your actions, but your whole attitude that is the problem.

So true.

Your intentions. The web dating, then jumping into a marriage. Then not dealing. Not recognizing who you are before you jump.

Nows the time to do that.

No woman wants an insecure guy that has them on leash.
Whatever language they speak.

She married you too. Let her show you why.

Take a step back, relax & enjoy the good things.

Hi y'all thanks so much

I must make a point that I didn't marry her inpart in thinking she won't leave because of the child, not at all, I just welcomed the comfort of having a family around me, something that I have been searching for a while now. Twice in my life I have started a relationship where children are apart of our life, then problems have happened just as I was getting to enjoy family life and didn't get a chance to see my family grow up around me, and that has been my one big regret in life, so I truly want this relationship to work for this reason alone. Anything else would be a huge bonus in my life. I am so afraid of losing this. Which makes me so paranoid and inturn it may destroy the very thing I am trying to protect.
I am actually getting fit now, no junk foods plenty of exercise everyday, my wife is overseeing this. Lost 8.5kg so far, feeling good about that. And everyone has correctly observed that it is I who have the problem with self esteem and I know I shouldn't let that be the focus of our discussions. I will learn to lighten up and, as you say, enjoy the marriage for what it is.
Thank you to everyone.

"I truely want this relationship to work for this reason alone"

That's the kicker.

"something that I have been searching for a while now"

"Twice in my life I have started a relationship where children are apart of our life, then problems have happened"

You have to look at what didn't work before and change.

For the right reasons. Not an instant family.

Hope you grow this into something special.

While growing yourself.

Get a gps and have her wear it! That was a joke. You're going to lose her if you keep acting like this.

One final piece, just a small irritation unsure if it has a greater significance. She often forgets to wear her wedding ring when she goes out... never forgets her phone. She has put the engagement ring away and only wears the wedding band, when she remembers to put it one.
OK I'm done. Thanks so much to everyone, I think it has helped me enormously. I have to work on me.

Lots of red flags here.

Vanheart
Do you mean I am right to be concerned?

It feels like a yo yo... Like I said the story keeps getting added on and added on and added on.

For everyone else read the whole thread before commenting. And see the progression.

Have you ever asked her why she takes it off? Some people just where their wedding ring after getting married some wear both.

What is going to happen after 2 years?

She takes it off to do household chores
I am taking control of myself, I hope, for my sake and my marriage

Then what are you worried about... Whew, your lucky you have not driven her freakn insane. Please do take control of yourself.

Not sure if you mean jealousy or ALL of the red flags.

Insecurity
Misdirected intentions
Internet romance with a cultural barrier
Jumping into a marriage with someone you don't know.

Seems like her intentions are way different from yours.

Im just guessing.

Honestly, if I just got married and my wife was making me feel like crap, commenting on guys, not wearing her ring, has a place in another country & getting alimony. Escaping until her daughter graduates. I would have to have my head examined.

Take a hard look at why you got with her and your past relationships. Then talk to her, & get back to us..

Like I said, I am so afraid of losing her that I have the terrible habit of over analysing all actions and non-actions verbal or otherwise, looking for reassurance that she is genuine towards me. She gives all the signs she is... but the things I have covered have caused me to over analyse. Bad past experiences must have left a mark.