Been married 3 years, bought a house 1 year ago, we have a 2 year old child. One month after moving into the house, intimacy ends, two months later texting and Facebook start to affect our marriage. An argument ensues. I sleep on couch for a few days. A serious talk happens and she says she doent love me anymore and hasn't for about a year (before we looked for a house). We agreed to stay in the same house. I struggled to get her to go to counseling, she didn't think it would help. We went to two sessions each. She refuses to continue counseling. It has been 7 months without any affection what so ever and 5 months since the couch incident and argument. She now goes out all night long until 6, 7, 8 and even 9 am one morning. Then she sleeps all day. She claims to be too drunk to drive, she allegedly sobers up at her girlfriends house or male coworkers house. I still believe she has been faithful and think I could even forgive her if she did cheat. She never has much money when going out, but manages to stay out all night long and sleep the days away. She refuses to wear her ring unless around her grandparents. She does what ever she wants and even wants foot massages which I stupidly give her with nothing in return. Oh yeah.. she also uses the excuse of being at casino all night long too. I'm starting to think they she may have an alcohol or gambling problem. She says there is still hope for us, but I don't see much more hope. I tried church and prayer. I tried advise from family and friends. All I have left to try is AA or something to find help. I have the family, the house and the career. I thought I had it all. Then it all fell apart. Why does she stay out all night? Why doesn't she show some repect to me and spend time with her family? Is it a gambling or alcohol problem? Is it post partum depression? Do I need to try anti depressants or more counseling? Should I try separation? Divorce is the last option and I don't want to do it, but I am running out of options and running out of hope. Any good advise out there??

It is not a gambling or alcohol problem. It's a lying problem. She has been cheating on you and you are too trusting an individual to open your eyes and see the truth. She keeps you stringing you along with the hollow phrase that "there still is hope" for your relationship. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but your relationship has been over for a long time. It's just you that has not opened your eyes to the truth of the matter. Face it, it's over.

Hire a private investigator to follow her around a few nights and you'll have your eyes opened wide with the results. Guaranteed. Probably the best money you will spend versus you keep beating yourself up trying to find a solution to this problem of her not wanting to be with you and your child and staying home. Sometimes when women who don't have jobs to go to end up with too much time on their hands and tend to stray big time. She apparently is one of them who had it too good and decided to have it even better.

If my wife pulled that I would make arrangements and the next time she left I would change the locks, pack all her stuff and place it in a neat pile by the front door. Then hire a lawyer and file for divorce.

I would try separation, and see if she straightens up her act without you around. And giving her foot massages? I'd be telling her to massage her own feet. She doesn't need counseling, she needs to grow up and be a parent and a wife.

While she is out all night, and home sleeping all day, who is taking care of the two year old?

What did you think of during the year that there was no intimacy, and she was staying out all night. Have you been able to confirm where she was, or have you checked the debit transactions to see if she is at a casino, hotel, bars, etc.

During the few times she did attend counselling, did it open up any dialogue between you? Did you identify any issues? Do you have any idea what has changed her so much?

Speaking of which, what was she like the three short years ago before you married her. Were there any clues?

When you talked to your family members, what was their general idea of what's going on.

It is just hard to imagine why she would be out all night and sleeping all day when she has a husband, a home, and a toddler to care for.

Drugs and/or alcohol crosses my mind but I think you would have seen signs of that before now.

I'm at a loss to explain what might be going on, unless there is more background information you can provide.

WOW, I can feel your pain. It is way beyond the acceptable level.
You mentioned text message, face book, and no intimacy on the top of other alcohol related problems, I have to think she left you already.

Can you think of any reasons or events which made her change attitude toward marriage & baby so badly?
To me, it is obvious she has completely given up the marriage, and does not care anymore. First of all, you should find out what she is doing every night, and prepare for yourself & your innocent baby. I will not be surprised, if you find out she uses drug, alcohol, gambling and sex all together.

I hope you are not get shock too much.
If you divorce, who will take care of the baby?

WOW! She is the queen of selfish no doubt. I too would like to know when she interacts with her own child.

How long are you willing to put up with this behavior?

If you two split, are you ready to be a single parent? I think you should start documenting ALL of her comings and goings, if a child custody case comes up.

No one here can tell you if she has a substance, or gambling problem. Not with the limited information that you have provided. Maybe she really is too drunk to drive. Who knows? Maybe she does have a gambling problem.

The bottom line is that she is a married woman with a small child, and she should start acting like it.

And why are you so ready to forgive her if she did cheat? Why are you even thinking about forgiveness? You should be mad as he11! Do you really think that the "male co worker" has kept his hands to himself? When they both are drunk? PLEASE!

And I agree with the suggestion of having her followed. It will help in court.

Dude, I feel for you. But no one can help you until you are willing to help yourself first. Be tough, and insist on being respected. This is just plain crazy.

And where is she getting the resources for getting drunk and gambling? Cut her off.

The foot rubs too.

This is B.S.

I wish you luck.

I think that 9 out of 10 married people would have had a bonfire with their mates clothes by now. I know I would have. For sure.

And tell her grandparents that she has turned nocturnal. The ones that she wears the ring around. Maybe she will respect them enough to explain why she is running wild.

Time for a very good divorce attorney

I think that you need to take a step back and get realistic about this. What if a friend told you that his wife was behaving this way?

Out all night, no money but gets drunk, stays with friends and love gone in marriage?

I'm sorry but the signs are all there - sounds like she's cheating, and I suspect that there is NOTHING that you can do.

It's over. Get real about this - she told you ages ago what the situation was - it's time to grow a backbone and take back your masculinity.

Speak to a good lawyer and leave her to her own devices - take the child if you have to - there is no joy left here.

Denial is one thing but reality is the ticket you should be looking into now. You have denied her behavior for too long. Apparently you are "addicted" to her. This is quite common in that the one party cannot bear to be without or live without the other partner regardless of how much emotional or physical pain they inflict upon the other party. In your case you are in deep, deep denial that she has not only lied to you but continues to lie to you and has essentially left the relationship. You must have/do care quite a bit about her and just can't let her go when she has already gone both in mind and body from the relationship.

You are the one who needs counseling to accept her disappearing act.

She will use you and your home as a hotel to come and go as she pleases with no responsibility as you continue to put up with her antics.

Please seek some emotional help for yourself for the sake of your child so that at least one parent has their head screwed on right once you finally put an end to this charade. Your child needs you more than they need her. Make the best of your situation and focus on your child - not the selfish run around drunk.

My EX-wife did the same thing, stayed out nearly every night until 6 or 7 am, told me she needed to spend time talking to her female friend, I trusted her never once thought she'd be unfaithful, after about a year of this she accidentally left her email inbox signed on the computer and I looked, got to read in graffic detail her sexual exploits with several different men. That was the end of our marriage. I hope for your sake its not the same, but I wouldn't just trust that she isn't doing anything wrong either, you need to find out for sure.

Wow I dare my wife do this to me... agree with everyone, I don't say this a lot, but she's not good enough for you... she had her chance...

You are being a weak man. Tell her to shape up or ship out! Your child desrves a stable home without a drunk, cheating , mother.

Lets play pretend...

Lets say she does have an alcohol/gambling problem. Well, then she is an addict who has told you to your face that she doesn't love you, and has acted this out over and over with her nights away.

Addicts usually have a "that's enough" point... and for some it isn't that severe. With many, its rock bottom... and losing everything is a step in finally admitting help is needed. You cannot force an addict to want help. You cannot force an addict to do the things they learn in treatment. You can't make them walk the walk. And until she hits her rock bottom moment, things are just going to go along as is, at best.

Lets say she isn't an alcoholic... well, honestly, does it matter? Alcoholics often deal with depression and depressed people become more depressed with alcohol use.

You still are with a woman who is not acting as a mate, who has told you she doesn't love you, and who refuses to get any kind of structured help.

At the very least, you need a separation. I know divorce is the last thing you want, but I think there is a point when the divorce is just the legal matters that formalize what has already happened. The ring, the marriage license, these don't make the marriage.

Having recently gone through a divorce I really didn't want but really needed, I get how hard it is to accept this is perhaps where things are. I also can tell you that the reduction in drama and noise in my life is real. It was needed. Not wanted, but needed.

Sorry you are in this place. Its easy to let months and even years slip by, hoping things might change or hoping you can get her to try to find some middle ground.

At some point, if you stay, you accept things as they are and you don't get to complain. You are probably getting to that point where you step hard back or you need to find a way to accept this... and I know you cannot accept this and be happy or healthy.

Is this a serious question or someone who is pranking people.

Why weren't the locks changed after the second or third incident? At the very least her personal stuff should have been dumped on the front lawn for her to view upon her arrival the following morning.

You need to grow a pair!!

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Originally Posted by kenmoore14217

Is this a serious question or someone who is pranking people.

Why weren't the locks changed after the second or third incident? At the very least her personal stuff should have been dumped on the front lawn for her to view upon her arrival the following morning.

You need to grow a pair!!!!!

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Get away from her and don't find excuses to see her.. NC

She does not love you anymore... that is all I would need to hear. What is worth saving then? If there is no love, I ask you, what is worth saving?

Whatever her problems are, you are enabling her by not kicking her out to go where ever she goes as long as she is gone, because as long as you tolerate her behavior, the more she will do it so stop and don't forgive her until she has straightened up her act (somewhere else) for a year and can prove it.

Have the divorce papers ready to be signed while you wait.

Dude wake up she is cheatiing and lying she don't care about your feelings I am going through he same thing with my soon to be ex husband signing up for dating sites and making dates with women and such, you need to get your ducks in a row and leave her on grouns of infedelity

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Originally Posted by nitelight198073

Dude wake up she is cheatiing and lieing she dont care about your feelings i am going throught he same thing with my soon to be ex husband signing up for dating sites and making dates with women and such, you need to get your ducks in a row and leave her on grouns of infedelity

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Try to see her the way others do. Love is blind and then one day you suddenly have 20/20/ vision and you see what she has done to you. Don't let her walk on you anymore. She won't and doesn't respect you. Stay away. I'm very sorry but you need to stand up and walk away. :(

Stand up and be a man! She doesn't love you and she certainly doesn't respect you. You allowed her to walk on you and now it's time to walk away.

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Originally Posted by 450donn

If my wife pulled that I would make arrangements and the next time she left I would change the locks, pack all her stuff and place it in a neat pile by the front door. Then hire a lawyer and file for divorce.

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Emotional and highly illegal advice - a good way to find yourself on the wrong end of this situation.

Well, its me here, the original question asker! Nothing has changed for better or worse. I'm still getting strung along. First thing in April, I sat her down and had a talk. I agreed not to speak to our parents about our problems and in return she agreed to at least speak to me about our problems. I held up my end and she won't talk to me, just sits there and listens when I want to talk. Still no wedding band, still late nights out with guys and still no I love you's or even 1st base in 8 months. I also agreed to not be a hypocrite about everything, in return for her to be home at a reasonable hour, I chose 400 am which allows for plenty of time at webbs or whatever after bar close. She agreed and shook on it. She broke our agreement, not once, not twice not three times, but FOUR nights in April she showed up after 500 am. That was way more then I should tolerate, but I finally grew a pair and gave her an ultimatum: Be home by 400 or there will be severe consequences. (I will move out for a seperation). I also gave her more then ample time frame to get her together (Til mid July, my 30th b-day) or I am gone for good! No more games! I need love, I need my wife back or I am moving on! What else can I do to keep her? I have tried everything: counseling, books, family advise, friend advise, internet advise, straight up confrontations and ultimatums! I'm done. I need to cut my losses and get out while I'm still young enough to find a loving spouse and have a real family. What else should I do? Any more advise?

I have to ask you again, who takes care of the baby when she is out all night, coming home drunk, and sleeping all day.

It is good that you have done so much ground work to try to get her to open up, but clearly she isn't willing.

Have you checked to make sure she's not ringing up credit cards, overdrafts or a second mortgage on the house?

Who drives her home, and do you know any of her 'buddies' as you call them?

I can't imagine life in your house, particularly for the child. When she lays around, hungover and unresponsive to conversation as to her behaviour and actions, do you just flip on the TV and watch the news? Who's taking care of the house.

I don't know that you will get any 'new' insights with answers here, as your situation has not improved at all.

I guess the question is, how long are you going to put up with this.

Agree with "Jake" - you're waiting until July to do "something" and in the meantime your child is living in this situation?

It's over. Move on.

Dude hate to be the bearer of bads news its over !

Follow up... If I am at work, our child is at a grandparents house and I am forced to pick him up in the morning, even if I work until 3am, she stays out until 5 am and sleeps until noon. There is no reason our child needs to be at the grandparents all night and all day. He is our child and one of us needs to be the responsible adult. Often I am the one to stay home all night and get up with him for the whole morning. I also go out as she watches him, however, I am home at bar close and often still get up before her.

We have our budget issues and are working through them ffor the most part, I am watching her spending like a hawk and it is hurting us. She has several credit cards in her name only and fills them up to max balance, just as fast as our check nocks it down a bit. There is some drinking and some gambling involved and its hard for me too tell if either are too excessive.

She drives herself home between 5 and 6 am averaged out. I know of these guys and know a lot about them. More then she thinks I know. She reufuses to introduce any of us or allow us to meet up for any outing at all. Her friends are her friends. They are single and find my wife both fun and attractive according to a text message a wish I never saw. I have tried and tried to meet these guys and feel more comfortable with my wife spending time with them, but the hidding, lying and avoiding makes me all the more suspicious.

Last night she went out 11p until 416 am. After I told her she was on probation and there would be consequences for arriving later then 400 am. I advised her of 400 agreement again. And again at least 10 times. She still failed by 16 minutes which is ONLY a big deal because this is 5th offense this month after a dozen warnings the night before. When she arrived messed up I informed her I would be moving out today, she gave some bs excuses and went to sleep. She again took off in the am to go in late to work without even telling me.

I am done. We will have one last talk over dinner tonight and I am making arrangements to stay elsewhere for a few week separation. I have no other choice but too punish her for breaking our mutual agreement five times in a month. More later.

I think your attempts to "punish" her are not going to work and could backfire. She's not your child; she's your wife.

Again - what about your child? You leave. What happens to the child?

Protect yourself and your child now by contacting an attorney and filing for custody. It's obvious that your wife is not going to change.

You sound like a wonderful man who deserves to be loved and treated with respect, so it's definitely time to move on.

You're a better man than me, because she would be gone tonight, or I would.

What do you mean you have her on probation? She is not a child to punish. She is a grown woman, your wife, the mother of your child who is behaving in a completely inappropriate manner. And why are you giving her until July to clean up her act?

This mess not only effects you, but your baby. Get yourself a lawyer, file for divorce and custody of your child.
You owe her no explanation, she knows what she is doing and does not care.

The first thing I would do is cancel all the credit cards.

The second thing I would do is leave- with the baby. Make arrangements to stay with your mother so she can responsibily care for him/her while you are working. (I'm surprised the grandparents haven't spoken up about her yet)


Considering the circumstances, there are concurrent addictions going on in my opinion, both to gambling, and alcohol. Risk taking behaviour is likely in there somewhere as well, with all the single males and females, and perhaps drugs too. I'm only guessing, but she does seem to fit an out of control person to me.

Document, document, document. Write out all the reasons you left with the baby, and file for custody, or interim custody- whatever it is called, so that you have immediate control over the well being and safety of the child.

While you sort out all the other matters with her, at least make sure the baby is safe, and don't endanger him by just leaving without him. If she has addictions going on, that won't stop on a dime simply because she needs to step up and be a mother.

If you put yourself and the baby first here, and really see things for what they are, it will be clear what you need to do.

And the sooner the better.

This going to seem harsh, but I think you need to stop and think about what began all of this mess. I am beginning to feel like there is a huge part of the story missing.

When she told you that she didn't love you, did she say then that she wanted out of the marriage? When it became obvious that she wasn't willing to work with you to save the marriage, why didn't you end it then? End it BEFORE she went off the deep end and started running away from you, the marriage and your child?

Yes, she could make the decision to leave or if we heard her side would there be an extremely different tale told?

Um, I'm really confused.

None of your efforts, entreaties, rules, demands or punishments have changed anything at all with regard to her behavior.

You're acting like a 'daddy' and she's behaving like a rebellious teenager.

What exactly is going on here?

Why exactly do you want to stay with her? Why does she stay with you?

There are a whole lot of things that don't add up - the situation you describe is increasingly bizarre and I suspect that there is something else altogether happening here.

The person I'm most concerned for is the child. Neither of you ever seem to be around to give it any care.

How old are you and how old is she?

I am 30 in July which makes me 29 now. She is 27. There is nothing wrong with the child's welfare. He is 3 this year and still doesn't know what is going on. We rarely argue when he is around. We don't yell, curse or fight in front of him. I am holding on because of this 8k tax credit we now have to repay if we split within the next two years. I don't know the details and should get educated. It may be worth the financial loss to get out of this relationship which has hit rock bottom. There is no hope left! I have made changes and given it all the effort I am willing too. I am done trying. I am giving her a deadline to come back hoping and praying that a little more time will help. I am an excellent father and was a great husband. Something snapped in her head and she gave up on me, nearly a year ago. I have put this off long enough and will contact an attorney in May to explore my options, get info and plan ahead for the worst situation I have had to make a decision on in my life. I still don't want to be a quitter. But seriously, how long do I wait for her to come around? I want and need love in my life. I want more kids and it ain't happening here for years if ever. Its time to cut my losses and pack my bags. Its really hard and really sad and I don't want to do it. I am torn! I am confused! What more can I say? Everyone is saying get attorney, get out and protect the kid... is anyone for trying harder or something different? Is this really it? Is it over?

This woman obviously has no respect for you and will continue to run over you no matter what you do.
She may be on drugs and is gambling, in which case you still need to leave her. You don't want to be enabling her behavior by giving her choices.
Whether she gets herself together or not is something she must decide to do, there is nothing you can or should do at this point.
I'm sorry this is happening to you and your son, I wish you well.

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Originally Posted by dar45

I am 30 in july which makes me 29 now. She is 27. There is nothing wrong with the childs welfare. He is 3 this year and still doesn't know what is going on. We rarely argue when he is around. We don't yell, curse or fight in front of him. I am holding on because of this 8k tax credit we now have to repay if we split within the next two years. I don't know the details and should get educated. It may be worth the financial loss to get out of this relationship which has hit rock bottom. There is no hope left! I have made changes and given it all the effort I am willing too. I am done trying. I am giving her a deadline to come back hoping and praying that a little more time will help. I am an excellent father and was a great husband. Something snapped in her head and she gave up on me, nearly a year ago. I have put this off long enough and will contact an attorney in May to explore my options, get info and plan ahead for the worst situation I have had to make a decision on in my life. I still don't want to be a quitter. But seriously, how long do I wait for her to come around? I want and need love in my life. I want more kids and it ain't happening here for years if ever. Its time to cut my losses and pack my bags. Its really hard and really sad and I don't want to do it. I am torn! I am confused! What more can I say? Everyone is saying get attorney, get out and protect the kid... is anyone for trying harder or something different? Is this really it? Is it over?

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At this point in time you seem to be stuck and sinking in quicksand.

You really should be at a point where you know you have to take care of the baby, and take care of yourself.

What is over? Well, she isn't a loyal partner who puts any value on you, or your baby together. Also over is her parenting skills. Also over is her ability to admit to having any contributing problems to her behaviour. Also over is her respect for herself, and for you. Also over is any hope that she will even attempt counselling.

The marriage is a shell, and you are still fighting with yourself to see the writing on the wall.

If you were to focus on only one thing- the baby- and that baby's needs, you would clearly see the environment is unhealthy to a point where his physical safety is at risk. (remember she takes all day to recover from the night before).

Even though your mother takes care of the baby while you are at work, your wife has somehow managed to bury her mothering instincst, and parenting responsibilities.

This isn't about you anymore- your priority should be the life your child is growing up in. Time to pull yourself together and do the right thing for him.

You can cry in your soup when the work is done.

Thank you everyone! Your comments concerns and suggestions have helped me greatly in reaching my final decision. Last night she told me she took off work Thursday morning and isn't going in until noon. She planned for a long night out on the town. She went out last night and I didn't say a word. I didn't ask where she was going, who she was going with and didn't remind her of our 400 agreement. She didn't offer any of that info either. She clearly knows that I won't stand for her to show up after 400. She showed up at 530 am this morning reaking of alcohol. She has made her bed and she can lay in it alone now. I won't stand for this disrespect any longer. I am filing papers next week, with or without her mutual agreement. Thanks again everyone!

I hope you have actually made an appointment, at least to find out what your legal obligations are, and more particularly about the custody of your child.

I'm not sure why you suggest that she may or may not cooperate, or why it would matter, but that's up to you.

Keep thinking, you're heading in the right direction here. Please post and let us know how it goes.