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My wife left me just before our 1 year anniversary. She comes from a family with a history of mental illness, is an only child and has no emotional connection with her parents. There were no warning signs, and she sends emails, text messages, and her conversations constantly contradict what she says. She does not want to initiate divorce. She has talked about killing herself, but she has finally reached out to old friends. I do not want a divorce, I love her, and I am worried about her.
Do you still see her?
What does she say to her friends?
Is she on any medication?
Some more info,please.
First of all, pray for her. Pray pray pray. And, if she hasn't already, she really needs to see a doctor or specialist. Talk of killing herself is something that if she is ill could be something that she is really thinking about.
The only thing besides everything I already said is just be there for her as much as you can.
Being that she may be mentally ill, there really is nothing you can do except try to get her to see a doctor. You can't help her, you are out of your league, as is most people.
Of course your worried, how could you not be, but she has to do for herself, and you can only wait and see the direction this takes. Hopefully, she gets what she needs, and you can only support her when she needs it.
Her reaching out to old friends is a positive sign, and may be a good step in the right direction.
Hopefully it will work out for the best. As a husband, you support her. Make sure YOU have the right support for yourself now.
She tells her friends different stories.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
No medication.
I have not seen her in over two weeks, we stopped going to therapy together, she could not take it anymore and did not want to be there.
We are separated and living apart, she is in a small town and I am back in the city.
This all literally happened over night.
I am trying to support her, but we have no contact now, she does not want to hear from me. When we do talk, she twists things into very ugly ways.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
She also contradicts herself when we were speaking, and especially when she emailed or texted me.
I'm very scared that she has "closed the blinds" on herself being that she is so far away from what she ever called home, friends are far away, and now I am far away.
I am in therapy, and have been committed to it for months now. She has been in and out with different people.
Why are you now far away, you said you are "back" in the city, So when you separated why did you not stay close
We did not own a home, we were renting in a place that we both agreed was not helpful to our relationship. She had the car, my commute was so long in one direction, she worked in the opposite direction. She moved to live within 5 minutes where she worked.Quote:
Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
She is supporting herself and living on her own? What's going on here? You are very vague as to the problems your having.
What are you in therapy for?
It's not easy describing all the details. I am on this site looking for more guidance. There is definitely a lot of back story. I do not want to be vague, I'm just not sure how to say everything at once.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
There have been a lot of "quick" major decisions made on her part. Part of why I fear that she may have more of a problem than her or I am aware.
Yes she supports herself and lives on her own. She moved out quickly. She broke off all financial ties quickly. But she kept in contact. She agreed to go to therapy with me, in the city I work in which is 1 1/2 hours away for her, which was her idea. Therapy was broken off over two weeks ago. We have barely spoken since, and now have had no contact since she sent me the text messages of wanting to kill herself. Her friend has updated me to how she may be. I am trying to give her the space and let her work on what she needs to work on, but I am scared that she is avoiding some of the reality of the issues.
I don't know, I'm just very worried and she is all over the place and confusing me.
I started therapy when she first mentioned separating. I wanted to start working on myself and the way I interact with people. I don't "let people in", but I have wanted to for a long time. I'm on this site, I am reaching out to people over the past month, I am making connections. I have wanted to find peace with some of my own relationship issues for a long time, losing her made me finally see the truth of what I needed to do.
Wow, that was long and still not everything.
I am getting a sense that she is doing what she wants, and is breaking up with you, and that's more the problem than a mental illness. I don't really know, but if she has made a decision to leave, I think leaving her alone to deal with her issues is what I see with what you have written.
What kind of mental problems does she take meds for?
I'm sorry to be rude, but have you read everything I wrote? She did "break up", she left me. But she does not want to initiate a divorce. She left with in a week with no warning.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I don't dispute what you are saying, but what about the history in her family. Two suicides, a bipolar mother, and a grandmother that used to receive electro shock therapy in the 50's and 60's. She said she was going to kill herself, and her friends and I were frantic calling the police until she showed up at a friends house.
I said she doesn't take any meds.
Actually, the more I think about it, thank you, but I don't think you have followed anything I have written. Thank You though.
I think that you need to be patient with the questions people are asking you. You know and understand your situation, we don't. It might seem annoying, but sometimes people need to ask clarification questions, even if you feel that you've already been clear about something.Quote:
Originally Posted by garbanz
Your situation sounds ambiguous - you say that your wife is mentally ill - but it seems that this is in the context of previous mental illnesses in her family - not because she's had an official diagnosis. Is this right?
What I've read so far is that she's capable of supporting herself financially; she doesn't want to be married or be in therapy with you; she's made some dramatic gestures (like threatening suicide); she's impulsive; she tells people different things and she'd prefer to speak with old friends rather than her husband of 1 year.
None of this necessarily describes someone with a mental illness - it might describe a histrionic or narcissistic personality, or it could describe someone that has a bi-polar disorder.
What is plain, is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and that this has been the catalyst for you making changes in your life. Now you're concerned because she's cut off contact when you'd started to make some headway on your own issues.
A couple of questions:
Why did she leave?
Was her behavior erratic or unstable in the 12 months you were married?
What are your relationship issues and how did she respond to them while you were together?
Hi Garbanz.. Give us a chance to help you. How was your relationship before you were married? Is there some tragedy
In her life which may be adding to her problem? Maybe something which caused her to be the way she is? I'm sorry you are hurting.
Every person here is here to help you and when we ask questions
It's because we need to know as much as we can in order to do that! We don't know your real name or where you live or anything personal. We are here if you decide to come back and talk. God Bless you.:):)
Thank you, and you are right, patience is important. This is the first time I have turned to an internet "forum" to help look for some guidance, so I am not that familiar with the way things are translated.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
I have not said she has a mental illness, I did say, that I fear she might. Yes the family history, as well as out of control mood swings and emotional states she has been going through. This all happened so quickly. You mentioned narcissistic personality, as well as bipolar disorder. My therapist brought those up as well. Her mother is bipolar, and supposedly it can be hereditary. She also takes a medication for her thyroid, but does not see the doctor regularly.
She left because she said she needed space. Her behavior was erratic and unstable but more towards things like work, apartments. In 12 years, she moved 11 times, and absolutely fell in love with each place she moved to (except one that I know of), and has had 8 different jobs that she had similar feelings for.
She often thinks that the "new" situation is going to solve everything, and make things better. Kind of like "the grass is always greener...".
Our relationship issues were often around her finding happiness, and self esteem. Also about how I would communicate with other people, I do not always let many people in. She has always told me that I would give her happiness, that we would always agree and we should never have an argument because that would not be true love.
Is that helpful?
Thank You.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat22
The only tragedy in her life as I would say, was the separation of her parents for 12 years, then their divorce. Her parents are major roles in her issues in life. When we were in therapy, our therapist started to explore that with her, and she was getting extremely uncomfortable with it. He told her that both parents really affected her emotionally by withdrawing affection from her all her life. She had never really dealt with the issue of her parents.
Our first year married, we stacked some cards against us. Our living situation was not ideal, but she down plays that very much though I think it has a lot to do with everything. My uncles passing was a very emotional event for her. She told me afterwards that she had never witnessed something so emotional, and she was very overwhelmed but happy that she saw so many people showing love for someone.
Our relationship prior was very good. We loved each other very much. We both would do anything for each other. I was everything to her, and she to me. Everything was always so exciting, it was like falling in love everyday.
Thank you for returning to this forum. You will see you have people here who want to help you. You seem like an awfully nice guy and I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible time. It's a hard time for both you and your wife.
Do you still love her? I believe you do. Depression is a horrible thing to go through and I'm sure she is hurting for both of you.
It's a bum deal to have to live in that state of mind! You may not think she feels bad for her moods and but please let me tell you as one who has been there she does.
I went through a horrible depression several years ago and could hardly make myself get out of bed or answer the phone. Some days I didn't. I slept and when my kids came home I put on a mask of happiness, but I felt I was no good to them or to my husband. Finally
My husband said you have to get help, you cannot go on this way. I did
Get help and it was like a week after I started medication I was better.
What do you want for yourself in the future? Where do you see yourself five years from now? Do you see her in your future? How would you feel about a future without her? If she does seek help and goes to a doctor who will help her and stay on her meds, would you want her to come back? 'm asking because I think you still love her.
I think, you should try and write her a letter maybe type it so she won't know who it is from until she reads it, find a nice doctor she will get on with find his/hers number write it in the letter ask her to go and see the doctor so you can stop worring. Let her know that if she needs help your there for that. Let her no that you do still worry about her and you really don't want the divorce. She may be depresses over losing you but I'm no doc. Try that and see what happens. Also try talking to her see why she is upset, go along with what she says she may just want someone she can just talk to that will listen to her.
No games... that's the worst thing he can do. He is an honest man who has been through a lot and so has his wife. Husbands and wives should be able to communicate openly and honestly and I'm sure he will agree. He is a good man who wants to do the right thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by louise9
I'm going to take a different approach. If she's not ready for a divorce, then there's still a slim hope, even though she broke up with you.
Therefore, try this approach, though it may be easier said than done:
It's great that you have considered therapy for yourself. You've identified that you have some problems and you want to tackle them. Good first step! It's a good idea to stabilize your own emotions and your own life. As the saying goes, "how can you help someone if you can't even help yourself?" Once you're in a solid position, you will be in a better position to help her.
If you want her back, then let her know that you love her and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work.
Remember, it takes two people to make a relationship work. So after you let her know that you are there for her and that you want her back, the ball would be on her side of the court. It will be up to her if she wants to work things out. So you will have to be patient to see if she comes back.
However, even though you've taken all these steps, there's a possibility that she still won't want to come back.
She definitely has a lot of issues to work out, so patience is the key in repairing this marriage.
I don't see you having much choice, but to work on yourself, and keep an eye on her from afar. Until she decides what her next move is, your helpless to make her do anything.
I don't know how long you were together before you got married, or how the relationship was before, but for now she does what she wants. Maybe its crazy, and doesn't make sense to you but all you can do is be patient, and do what you can, when she asks you.
It could be years before you get to the bottom of the issues you both have and she obviously, for whatever reason wants to do this her way, and you have to let her.
Do you communicate at all? Regularly?
We are all here to help. There are experts on this forum like "I Wish" and "Talaniman" who are wonderful at what they do. I promise they will never steer you wrong or tell you anything that isn't in your best interest.
I imagine that it's terribly difficult to be with someone that gives YOU responsibility for THEIR happiness.Quote:
Our relationship issues were often around her finding happiness, and self esteem. Also about how I would communicate with other people, I do not always let many people in. She has always told me that I would give her happiness, that we would always agree and we should never have an argument because that would not be true love.
From what you've described, it sounds as if your wife changes jobs and homes like other people change their clothes - and it may very well be that she's like this with people and relationships as well.
Perhaps you need to step back from feeling responsible for her happiness - because she needs to come to terms with the fact that her own happiness lies in her own hands.
Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination - and it comes from how we perceive the world around us - not what people can give us. Happiness can often be fleeting - but this does not make our lives unhappy - it simply makes the times we are happy much more intense.
You may need to accept that your wife's search for happiness is fraught with many deep seated problems, and that you may not be the one that can help her.
I would encourage you to be supportive and available, but don't make your own happiness dependent on hers.
When I read the OP's posts, I get the "sense" that he is depressed just based on writing style. So, I agree that you have to help yourself first. You need a combination of a psychologist and psychiatrist. The psychiatrist tries to find medication. Maybe something mild like Welbutrin SR. It's usually a game of trial and error trying to find a med.
I sense that you need confidence in yourself.
She may be actively seeking something, hence continuous change.
If what I suspect is true, that you lack confidence and she is "seeking something" then there is an imbalance in the relationship.
I think you need confidence in yourself, so that she can have confidence in you.
My opinion, yes.
We were communicating up until two weeks ago. Now we do not talk at all. We have not even been able to talk about a possible divorce. I am very much in the dark.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I am accepting that. It has not been easy, but I am working on that acception.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
How do I make myself available? I have told her that I want to work on things, that I am always open to talk to her, and that I love her and want our marriage to work. I fear she does not hear that, and she will never try to talk, even if it is to end our marriage.
Let your emotional dust settle, and take some time for you. You have done what you can, but now she has to make her decision without you. She knows she can call and talk to you about anything, so there is no need to push and repeat what she already knows.
If she needs you she will call.
Don't push her to contact you anymore. You already said your piece to her, the ball is one her side of the court.
If you really wanted to work things out, you would wait until she's ready to talk. You can't force her to talk to you.
Focus on yourself. It's not like she can legally get married with someone else. Be patient.
The fact that you love her will help. I don't know why I feel the way I do about your post but I am so glad you came back. I honestly feel in my heart where there is love there is hope. I think she will see what a wonderful man you are, I really do.
Ask God to guide you and restore her health and I believe if she has to keep on taking medicine there is no shame in that. Give her space and don't keep feeling you've done anything wrong, you haven't. You have stood beside her when her own parents didn't. God Bless You
I am taking care of myself, and I am not contacting her anymore. I hope she does know that she can call. I do love her very much, and I hope we are able to return to therapy and try to work out our problems.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
But I am also glad to have learned that she too is in therapy now. She is very far away, and I am sad that she is feeling hurt, sad, and confused, but I hope she embraces her therapy.
I'm not pushing anything right now, and am working on waiting for her. I most certainly have not forced her to do anything, part of me feels I rolled over and let her go in the direction she went, but I also don't think there was anything I could have done to stop it. So I thought the best thing was to try and understand and work on things as they come. Not so easy.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
I am focusing on myself, but think about her all day and night. What can I do to try and move forward and keep from wanting to call her and continue working on the problem?
Hi Garbanz.. I'm glad to see you here again. You are going to be okay. I know you are! It's good that you have loved her through sickness and health. That what wedding vows are all about. That love you feel for her will help you through this and a lot of prayer.Quote:
Originally Posted by garbanz
You are a patient man and a good man and I honestly think she will get better and you will have a happy life together. Depression is a horrible thing and it makes you feel like you're in a deep dark hole and you want to pull the cover over that hole and shut the world outside.
It makes you feel worse knowing you're hurting the ones you love the most and in that state of mind you feel you have one way to stop from hurting them and that is to leave. It isn't the right thing to do but a person who is in this frame of mind doesn't see it that way. She really thinks you will be better off without her.
Pray a lot garbanz and be strong. Miracles are still happening and through prayer and strong faith and patience she'll find her way back to you. Blessings to you my friend!
Thank you very much KitKat22. You have had some very kind words and I don't want you to think that they have gone unnoticed.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat22
I have always been a very open and loving person, but it wasn't until these recent problems in my life that ever allowed this side of me to come out. Part of me is upset, because I wonder if this side of me was more in the open, maybe we wouldn't have had the problems we are having. I'm not being anybody I am not comfortable being. I am in a place in my life, that I have finally understood that being and doing what I want to is what makes me the person that I am.
I've said it before; there has not been a day that goes by that I do not think about her all day. That I don't miss her, wonder where she is, what she is doing, if she is crying, hoping that she is laughing.
I work on my patience, and know that the very man I think I am, that she fell in love with, is the man that needs to be in this position now. If I can not be who I am, then we can never be, and I will not find the peace.
Thank You.
Things will work out for you. I know you are a good man. You talk about your wife and I can feel how much you love her. I think if she gets the help she needs you all will work things out.Quote:
Originally Posted by garbanz
You are doing the right thing by giving her space! It hurts when you love someone and you watch them in such pain! She has to want help and I think when she realizes you are not going to contact her she will realize what she stands to lose.
Shame on her parents! That is the gist of the the problem it isn't
You! Don't you blame yourself for this. I'm still praying for you and I hope you are praying also. My favorite verse in the Bible is, "Weeping endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"
Bless you Garbanz:):).
Threads merged
With the holiday this week, I want to wish my wife well. We have had no contact for a little over two weeks now, but I know it has not been easy on my part. I don't feel right having a wife I don't talk to, even though I know she needs to be working on her own problems (see previous question posted). Do I need to continue to focus, and maintain no contact and hope that she is working on what she needs to?
Maintain the no contact... remember, the world does not revolve around you, nor does everyone else see things as you do.
She doesn't want to hear from you... respect her wishes.
I'm having a hard time. My thoughts are always about my wife. I have not seen her in over a month, and have not spoken for three weeks. I know it has not been very long, but it seems like a lifetime. With the holidays that just passed, I felt very lost without her by my side. I even feel guilty trying to move forward with my life.
Is there any other advice other than "no contact"? I am working, reaching out to friends, but nothing replaces the loss I have been suffering, and the worry I have of what she is doing.
I can only add that in addition to the NC, be patient, as your feelings will take time to deal with. Honestly, a lot of time is required to get over someone we cared about. It's a slow hard process, but don't feel guilty about moving on.
Do a lot of praying, ask God for guidance! He hears our prayers... Hugs
Well, contact has been broken. Tax season made the accountant reach out to both of us, and we have exchanged an email regarding the issue.
I also wrote her a letter and mailed it, the same day the accountant reached us. Honest coincidence. The letter said nothing more than my feelings and truly did not put anything on the table other me extending a hand, was kept short and not sappy. If she chooses to reach for it, then... if not, then I was brave to make myself vulnerable to be hurt more, but was able to do what is in my heart.
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