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My husband said he was unhappy and felt depressed, he cheated with someone who works on the same business park. What shall I do, I love him and we have 2 children. He lied about it, I found her telephone number on his phone and rang her. She said I was a S---- and he wouldn't have turned to her if id been a good wife? He says he doesn't want a divorce.
Perhaps councilling for both of you...
It takes a lot of work to recover from an affair,but if both parties are willing to try,there's no reason why you can't succeed.
Get back on track in the meantime,talk to each other,honest communication,and find out why he cheated.
If you both want to work at staying together,you'll get through this.
Thank you for your thoughts, I just want to end the marriage, he doesn't. I feel very betrayed and in pain. This is making me want to get away. He has never done this before we have been together for 16 years. I am finding it hard to deal with + we have 2 children to consider in all of this.
Maybe some space to think may be called for,can he move out for a few days,give you some space and time to think.
I would advice you to be very sure before you end the marriage,16 years is a big investment.
Would you consider councilling?
If not,make a plan of action of what you need to do.
Could I ask when you found out?
Thank you for your thoughts, I just want to end the marriage, he doesn't. I feel very betrayed and in pain. This is making me want to get away. He has never done this before we have been together for 16 years. I am finding it hard to deal with + we have 2 children to consider in all of this.Quote:
Originally Posted by redhed35
Have you spoken to your family,you need support right now,and a shoulde to cry on...
If leaving the marriage is what you want I would advice you to get some legal advice,however I still believe some time on your own will help clear your head,and maybe consider councilling or mediation.
I found out 2 days after christmas, but I felt suspicious in November.Quote:
Originally Posted by redhed35
I could forgive a one night stand but he has visited her 3 times that I can work out, when I have been out for the day, he turned his phone off.
Has he given you a reason why he was unhappy? And why he could not talk to you?
A lot of people get unhappy and depressed,mostly they don't go have affairs,it's a pretty lame excuse for putting his marriage on the line.
Has he cut off all contact with her?
Its not what I want, but this has been forced on me. I have myself and my children to consider, when he's not there I feel much more upset, and start thinking he's with her.Quote:
Originally Posted by redhed35
I have offered to go to my brothers for the weekend, but he says how will this help heel the marriage.
She works on the same business park next door to his building. She is there I have only his word nothings going on still.Quote:
Originally Posted by redhed35
Maybe going to your brother s for the weekend will give you time to think,when you return,you can sit down and figure out what you want to do.
The trust is gone,does he realise the impact if his actions?
How hurt you are?
However much he regrets what has happened,he has to realise that you need to find a way to deal with it.
I understand too why you would be upset with your life turned upside down.
When you first started to wonder, in November, did you say anything to him then? I'm curious that if you did, how he responded.
As with anyone who makes a conscious decision to have an affair, there has to be justification or a reason for it, and he says his was he was feeling depressed and unhappy. I would think that after the first time with her, he would be even more depressed and unhappy with guilt, and it wouldn't have led to the second, then the third time.
It baffles me that justifying an affair often times points the finger to the wife, as the cause. That somehow blame has to be taken as being some sort of accessory to the fact.
The truth lies in whether he is able to come to terms, honestly, why HE did what he did, and what HE is going to do about it. It is him, not you, that put your marriage in jepoardy, and the future of your family, and children. If he were depressed and unhappy to such a point that his only recourse was having an affair, then he's not anywhere near addressing what the truth is. He could have come to you, talked, seen a Doctor, gone for counselling, either individually, or by himself. He could have made choices not to see her, not to turn off his phone to avoid a phone call from you, and he could have not taken his clothes off to hop in the sack with a woman to solve his 'problems'. It's not just about the cheating in my humble opinion, but about the planning, justifying, lying, lack of remorse, inability to accept responsibility for one's own actions, and above all, honesty.
It is also about his inability to see, or understand how this has affected you. Counselling is the only way to get that deck of cards on the table so he has some idea of the extent of his decisions, and how they have affected you, the marriage, your future together.
While I agree that he very well might be sorry now, there is still a lot of work to be done. I think that for your own sake, a break as you mentioned is a good idea. Take some time to work through this yourself, and gain some energy back, and a new focus. Part of the aftermath of this is you preparing yourself to deal with the fallout and hard work required to get through therapy to try to put the marriage back on track, should you go that route.
Yes, it is possible to repair a marriage after an affair. I firmly believe that, and have seen miracles in that department. But, it is your call how to deal with what has been put on your plate. Many cannot accept this type of betrayal, and many can. No one can answer as to which way you should go here.
I sincerely wish you well in coping with this, and hope that whatever you decide to do, the outcome will be the best for all concerned.
When you first find out that your partner has been cheating is a really confusing, painful and uncertain time.
I think that it's extremely difficult to think clearly, because all you can think about is the betrayal and the breach of trust.
It seems to me that you would benefit from having some time away from your husband so you can gather your thoughts and express your grief, without him present. I suppose however, that you're concerned he'll go back to her.
If your husband wants to preserve the marriage then he has to prove to you again that he's trustworthy. This means he must promise, absolutely, that he will have no contact with her whatsoever while you're gathering your thoughts.
I agree with the other posters that if you want to save your marriage then you should consider counselling. He needs to talk about why he's been unhappy and hasn't talked to you about it and he needs to understand the effect that his infidelity has has on you. On the other hand you need to understand the dynamic that led to him cheating - what was lacking in your marriage that created this situation?
My husband recently cheated, I can't move on from it. I am going on and on about it all the time. I can't seem to drop it. Can you help me I am trying for the children, but am forcing him out. I found out about 2-3 weeks ago. Its messed my head and my emmotion up big time, I have been to relate who say I am dealing with it.
My husband cheated on me, I can't put this behind me, I feel tense all the time, I don't want to break up our family, but am finding this situation hard to deal with, can someone help me get over this devastation.
I read over your other thread,please keep all questions relating to the same question together,as it is easier for posters to get the full story.
It has been a very shory time since you found out,can I ask if you have seen a councillor together,and if you and your husband have been proactive in saving your marriage?
An affafir is a big blow to a marriage,but it can be redeemed if both parties are will to work at it.
Are you?
Is he?
I have been to relate, she said I was dealing with it, my husband won't go he is blaming it all on family life, kids not washing pots, tidying up. I spend 1 hour tidying up each night, then make tea, when he gets in all that's left is the washing up, he thinks the kids should do it. When he doesn't actually do any tidying in the house.
Tonight we are going out for tea, this is obviously due to the bust up last night over something so trivial.
How many sessions have you had with Relate?
These issues take time to work through and need for both parties to be involved.
1 session, she said its no good with out him present.
I find that odd-Relate should be able to offer you counciling for yourself even if that doesn't classify as couple's counciling.
I think you need help for yourself,so get in touch with them again and ask for another appointment for you.
They did offer me help, but with relation to my feeling of betrayal. The point is he was the one doing the betrayal, we need to go together, he says he's not having someone annalising him.
You can still get help,for you,to help you move forward and make the decision whether you want a divorce.
As for your husband, if he is not willing to put in any effort to save the marriage,it seems the two of you are not on the same page.
I said that to him, he isn't one for showing his feelings, We have been together for 16 years. He hasn't put a foot wrong?
The councilling is about the marriage,its not a personal attack on him.
Can you say what kind of effort he is making?
He is just going on as before, he says he can't concentrate on work or anything he says the guilt is crusyfying him. He's wants me not to mention it, it might go away, he's basically got his head in the sand.
The only way this is going to get better is if you both talk and talk and talk,with councilling they can give you both the tools to help.
He has put your lives on hold until he is ready to deal,this is not going away,he needs to man up and accept that your marriage is in danger of ending,your family is at crisis point.
Could a family member talk to him?
He hasn't spoken to anyone about this. I have told him, I won't mention about her, I went round to her house, she wouldn't open the door, I told all her neighbours what a dinner time s--g she was and to watch there husbands. She called the police, I said what are you going to do officer arrest me for ringing the bell. Im not bothered about her, just want to make myself feel better. I don't think he accepts he's done it. Says it was just a bad chrisis time he was going through.
Do not go around to her house again,I repeat,do not go near her,phone her,or say one thing about her... be very wise here,the last thing you need is a summons for haressment... leave her alone!
I understand your pain and hurt,but its misdirected,your husband is the one who has done this.
I suggest you go to councilling by yourself,and consider your marriage.
You both need to find a new normal,he may have had his crisis,but he's dragged his family in now...
For me,this is a dealbreaker,if my husband would not admit a problem nor seek help with me,I would walk away.
If it was me,I would be telling him to get with the programme,because I could not stand the misery for another second.
But your not me,YOU have to do what's best for you and your children now.
I agree with you, they can't give me an harassment charge as long as I don't touch her. Like I say I'm not bothered about her now, need to find away to repair, but honestly I don't think I've got the strength.
If you can't sort this out for yourself what's left?
A life with a man you can't trust again,your children will have parents don't talk to each other.
You have the strength,you just worn down at the moment,you need a plan of action..
Actions now are what's required,if your husband won't lead nor drive you have to do it,its sink or swim.
You can get through this and you can carry your children too,but you need help,family support,councilling,maybe consult the citizens advice if there's one in your area.
If you stay static,nothing will change.
Also this has gone in my favour, all I need to do is get my solicitor to get a copy of that statement if I wish to divorce.
You are very wise and give great advise.
I afraid I can't say if that will hold or not,I know very little about the law,or what state you are in.
The best I can offer if that's what you are thinking ,is to consult with a solicitor and /or ask a question in the law section of the site,for some guidance.
Whatever you decide you do,I wish you the very best of luck.
I am having problems, my husband cheated on me, I am trying very hard to keep my family together,I do not feel comfortable with him any more, I feel he doesn't love me anymore and is not sexually attracted to me. The stress is effecting our sex life badly,He won't leave, he says he loves me. I can't go on like this, I keep thnking he is seeing her at lunch time for sex, that's why he can't manage it wth me. He says its all the stress, and I put him under pressure. I don't think so, we have been together for 16 years with no trouble in the bedroom. Do you think I am jumping to conclusins.
My husband cheated on me, He won't leave, He says he loves me and can't see his future without me. Since I found out he has had problems in the bedroom. I keep thinking its me he's not attracted to any more, He says it's the stress of what's happened that's effecting him. I keep thinking he's with her at lunch time, that's why he can't perform with me. Am I jumping to conclusions or do you think I'm right.
He cheated on you.
Its normal you feel like he can't be trusted and in all fairness you probably can't.
It's commendable that you're trying to keep your family together but I don't think you'll ever get over the fact that he cheated on you. Sorry, that's just life.
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