Ask Me Help Desk - This is really coming between us

This is really coming between us

My wife recently has developed a lot of outside interests, mainly further education conducted on-line. I have been supportive of this. She has been on a particular educational site and forum for nine months (of a twelve month online course). Recently she took on additional study with other providers and was finding it difficult to have the time to participate on this original site, but was still popping on and leaving comments. I also have an interest in this subject and it was my experience of it that spurred her initial interest.

Whilst browsing online, I visited this site as a guest and read some of her posts which were solely about the course, I thought nothing off it- even forgetting about the visit- it was about 2 1/2 months ago. I never thought to tell my wife that I had been on "her" site.

Three weeks ago our relationship developed a distinctly "frosty" feel and I noticed that she no longer discussed what she was doing- we used to talk about how the study was developing. Two weeks ago she accused me of being on "her" website - I initially denied it because I had genuinely forgotten the (one) visit, and she stated that because I had been there she could no longer continue on the course. This has upset her greatly. Subsequently although on the surface all seems well - we are civil and polite to each other but there is a distance and coldness between us that she will not acknowledge.

I have suggested that she return to the site and forum but she refuses.

I feel guilty and responsible that I affected her in this way

I guess she views it as an Invasion into her 'personal space' when in fact it is not, (it is just an on line site for course material as I imagine), but as you guys always say, it is difficult to figure out how our minds work when actually it is quite basic.

What I can't understand is, if this was an on-line course and she was participating, was this a member discussion group that you intervened with ?
If so, just tell her to get over it, distract her, this was a silly excuse for a confrontation. If it was a course, then surely she can just put aside her differences and continue on.

ms. tickle

I didn't post any comment - there were forums that she had posted on - I read a few comments and left the site- the forums allowed guests view but not post - but recorded all who were on the site and who had read what and when.

What a silly reason to argue.
If she did not want you there she could have told you.
If she felt you were snooping ,explain that you were not.
Apologize for any unintended line you crossed and tell her that when these little rifts become bigger than they should be ,the foundation of your marriage suffers ,needlessly!
Sounds rather childish if you ask me.

Do I understand that she is still mad after 3 weeks?

Punish yourself by sleeping on the couch. That's a long time over nothing. Has she always been this way?

Not mad but"hurt" I think its childish.. but I also think that she's punishing me by withdrawing from something that meant a lot to her.

When she makes a decision it is usually absolute- she will not change her mind and reconsider-even to the extent that ultimately she suffers

Three weeks ago, things got 'frosty'.
Two weeks ago, she accused you of being on "her" website. You denied it. For how long? Was this one 'argument' or multiple 'arguments'?

Did she bring up the 'accusation' out of the blue or were you in the middle of a discussion (argument) about concerns over the coolness you were feeling? Is that the reason she gave for not being warmer?

I think there is something more going on than either you have told us or you know. Is she feeling a lot of pressure from taking more than just the one course? Could this be an excuse to drop something that is stressing her? Were you (the couple) having personal/couple time issues before this?

I denied it for a couple of hours- it was the next day when I remembered / realised what she was talking about. Three weeks ago I knew something was bothering her about the course- I asked what it was but she wouldn't expand- but I knew she was upset - angry - annoyed.

It was on a night out that she made the "accusation".

Yes she is stressed by the amount of work she has signed up for- she doesn't have a lot of self confidence but is doing very well in her grades - the studies shouldn't take up as much time as it does, but now takes up most of the time - we worked together in our business (her suggestion) so she can work on her submissions- she has also taken up volunteering for a local charity.

Lost this in above

"we worked together in our business but I have hired someone to cover her time (her suggestion) so she can work on her submissions

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I think there is something more going on than either you have told us or you know. Is she feeling a lot of pressure from taking more than just the one course? Could this be an excuse to drop something that is stressing her? Were you (the couple) having personal/couple time issues before this?

Good point, cat. We usually find out that there is more to a situation then is explained by the OP in original post. I think you have hit the nail on the head. There is a third party, otherwise why would she not want her hubby to visit the website? I got a hijnt of this too, when reading the original post. She is on there as a single person, no attachments. That would be uncomfortable should someone close read the posts.

Tick

Here's a thought. What if she had been checking your online activity. She was suspicious or curious, or both, and did her own checking, never planning on mentioning it.

Then you do likewise, quite innocently, and deny it, then that leaves her thinking that you know that she's been into your stuff.

Thus the over-reaction.

Either that, or maybe if you had read her posts just a little bit longer, you may have found out something she didn't want you to know.

Ask her if she's ever snooped on your computer.

I don't know think that there is anything "going on"-we've been together a long time- in that when I was there what I -Fleetingly-saw was totally above board

Quote:

Originally Posted by m_a1001

I don't know think that there is anything "going on"-we've been together a long time- in that when I was there what I -Fleetingly-saw was totally above board

I think you just shot yourself in the foot - you were on briefly but long enough and in enough depth to determine that what you saw, however fleetingly, was "totally above board." I'm an investigator; I think like an investigator; this is a red flag.

I would be MORE upset with you than your wife is - if my partner wants to know what's going on he asks me. And I do the same. I have NEVER gone on a Board where he posts; he has never gone on a Board where I post; I have never read anything he's posted on line (question or answer); he has never read anything I've posted.

I still don't understand why you were on "her" site without her knowledge - and then denied it because you "forgot."

This sounds like a controlling situation to me, unless you are not telling us everything. I just know how I would feel in the same situation.:(

She is upset about you checking up on her, no matter what your excuse is:rolleyes: people and spouses need privacy. If you wanted to know, you ask. I'm sure she would be happy to tell you, but to go behind her back (even if you forgot) is not right. It makes it look like you were checking up on her for some reason.

I totally accept that I have intruded on her privacy but I just didn't think- there is no way that I have gone on the site if I had even thought that this would be the response. I had forgotten as it was only a very quick visit some months ago and I spend a lot of time online (my work). No harm was meant even if that is not how it appears. My comment of everything "above board" was in response to a previous poster. I have never had reason not to trust my wife and did not think that there was or is anything more to this site than what it is - an online study forum- What I cannot understand is why she will not continue- I would like her to finish but she alludes to more than she says- she will say "you know what you did" - on the site - but I honestly have no idea about what she means- when I suggested calling it up - and she really freaked out-she refuses to expand or say what she means- I think that I am either being accused of something I didn't do (other than going online as a guest and not saying) or that there is an overreaction here- this is getting serious.

Maybe she is just looking for an excuse not to finish the course for whatever reason, and you gave it to her.

Don't think so- being told that "I took something special from her" -that I betrayed her trust -etc- I can't undrstand the scale of the reaction.. I am coming to think that there must be more to it..

Just re-reading your original post. How did she come to find out that you had been on 'her' site in the first place.

I think all of this could be the result of any one of several things - this is simply the last straw for her in your relationship; something is/was going on and now she's embarrassed and afraid you'll find out; she wants to quit school and this is an excuse; you are very controlling and she is tired of it (which may be part of simply being fed up).

I don't think it's over reacting if a person is honestly and legitimately upset. "We" only know your side of things, of course.

I would sit her down and ask her - she knows what the problem is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Just re-reading your original post. How did she come to find out that you had been on 'her' site in the first place.

Yes, I think I asked that too, didn't get an answer. OP couldn't go on with his name, so wonder how she knew ?

Tick

There was a guest identified on the site and she said she guessed it was me - I was there one time only- looked at a couple of posts and left - never been back and was told today that if I went onto it she was off

JudyKayTee- I have asked her - she will not say anything- just that we should "try" to put that behind us and move forward.

Comments on this post
Jake2008 agrees: perhaps dear Tickle, that is the key to unlock this stalemate.

Yes, my dear Watson, (Sherlock taking a drag on his pipe) I think mayhaps you are correct in this regard !

Quote:

Originally Posted by m_a1001

JudyKayTee- I have asked her - she will not say anything- just that we should "try" to put that behind us and move forward.

If she wants to put it behind her and you want to put it behind you - what's the argument over?

Stay out of her personal space and you'll be fine.

If she wants to quit school, also fine. It's her life and her decision. Are you sure you aren't trying to control her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by m_a1001

I totally accept that I have intruded on her privacy but I just didn't think- there is no way that I have gone on the site if I had even thought that this would be the response. I had forgotten as it was only a very quick visit some months ago and I spend a lot of time online (my work). No harm was meant even if that is not how it appears. My comment of everything "above board" was in response to a previous poster. I have never had reason not to trust my wife and did not think that there was or is anything more to this site than what it is - an online study forum- What I cannot understand is why she will not continue- I would like her to finish but she alludes to more than she says- she will say "you know what you did" - on the site - but I honestly have no idea about what she means- when I suggested calling it up - and she really freaked out-she refuses to expand or say what she means- I think that I am either being accused of something I didn't do (other than going online as a guest and not saying) or that there is an overreaction here- this is getting serious.

Something else is going on here...

Why would she totally freak out when you suggested going back to the site otherwise?

And, just as an aside, how did she 'guess' that you were the unidentified guest online? Surely it could have been anyone?

You say you weren't snooping - fair enough - she thinks you were and takes it totally over the top.

You did mention in a previous post that when she decides on a course of action she's totally stubborn about it. I'd like to know how your relationship is generally. How do you get along? Who rules the roost? Is you relationship warm and loving or do one or either of you deny the other one affection? How do you communicate about things that are difficult?

Something else is going on here...

JudyKayTee- You know what - I don't know- I don't think so but I think you do- maybe she does- but how am I expected to feel when someone I care about blames me for stopping them for doing something that they say means so much (and subsequently hurtiing them so very badly)- (I feel really bad)- you know what though - it's their decision- not mine and I shouldn't accept responsibility for that- they're grown up and able to make their own decisions - I don't have that degree of influence

Gemini54- I've been thinking about it and she is a person of absolutes- things are black or white - there are no shades of grey at all

Quote:

Originally Posted by m_a1001

Gemini54- I've been thinking about it and she is a person of absolutes- things are black or white - there are no shades of grey at all

But what is your relationship like generally? - tell us a bit more about it, and her...

Quote:

Originally Posted by m_a1001

JudyKayTee- You know what - I don't know- I don't think so but I think you do- maybe she does- but how am I expected to feel when someone I care about blames me for stopping them for doing something that they say means so much (and subsequently hurtiing them so very badly)- (I feel really bad)- you know what though - its their decision- not mine and I shouldn't accept responsibility for that- they're grown up and able to make their own decisions - I don't have that degree of influence

I have no idea who you're expected to feel. I don't think anyone has any expectations in that regard.

I truly don't know why you are stressing over this - it appears you have decided it's her problem, not yours, and are comfortable with that. I've already told you that you have admitted you were on the site long enough to determine that nothing untoward was going on.

Tell her you've heard enough about it and move on - which I thought you were both ready to do.

Whether she sees everything in black and white and no shades in between does not matter - would I feel betrayed if I were in her shoes? Yes.

If you know how she is then why not back off and let her emotions take there own course?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

.

Tell her you've heard enough about it and move on - which I thought you were both ready to do.

Yes, this is one of those relationship issues that can go on through, what 250 pages and nothing is resolved. It is all back and forth.

So absolutey agree with JKT. Just get the it over and done with and move on from it. I am sure you will run into this same issue, as we have all done before, but you have to be mature enough to accept the status quo. You don't appear to be able enough to accept the outcome as she does.

You both, just get one with your daily lives.

I still get the impression, of reading back through the posts, that you don't trust her and something has gone on before this. So just let it go.

Tick

Quote:

Comments on this post
Jake2008 agrees: How true. I could hold up an orange and my hubby would insist it was an apple.

I agree with him - it IS an apple! :)

I have Not read any other responses, yet...

In the Geography of Bliss, the author mentioned one very important elements of being in a happy relationship is Trust.

From your original post, it sounds like you guys lost "Trust".
It will take time, but you guys can gain it back again.

What spurred you to spy on your wife?
Why did she have a such a strong reaction?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SVImager

I have Not read any other responses, yet...

What spurred you to spy on your wife?
Why did she have a such a strong reaction?

We are just trying to find this out. Maybe you should read through our replies, OPs replies to get a feel for how this thread is going.

It is going in circles.

Tick

Quote:

Originally Posted by SVImager https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_i...s/viewpost.gif
I have Not read any other responses, yet.........What spurred you to spy on your wife?
Why did she have a such a strong reaction?

He has explained these details already, and has probably given her the space to get over herself, and they are back to normal hopefully, since he hasn't been back... yet!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SVImager

I have Not read any other responses, yet...

In the Geography of Bliss, the author mentioned one very important elements of being in a happy relationship is Trust.

From your original post, it sounds like you guys lost "Trust".
It will take time, but you guys can gain it back again.

What spurred you to spy on your wife?
Why did she have a such a strong reaction?

As a trained/educated Psychologist you should know to understand the entire situation before replying.

Please read the other responses before asking/answering.