Hi I am Sonia,

I am working in one of the private company from last 4 years and I am in love with a boy, we are in love last 3 years, although we are both hindus but we belong to different caste, my boyfriend family has agreed for our marriage but my parents are not at all ready to accept us. We tried to convince them a lot, but now we have got registered marriage last 6 months back.

Our problem is that my boyfriend family wants to celebrate their sons marriage, but my mother and family members have told me that you have registered marriage to him then you can go and stay away with him, and break all the realtionships with us, my mother said to me that she will never come to your door step.

But I am having the confident that sooner or later I will make my mom agree.

I have two elder sisters and they have got married to good family, even my boyfriend has good family, but only is the cast problem. I have one younger sister and one elder brother, my younger sister has supported me a lot and after my borther knowing that I got registered marriage and nothing can be done now he also understood me.

My mother says that they will loos their name and respect in the society and no one will accept me in their community. My only problem is that the mother is not at all agreeing and my boyfriends family want to celebrate it and that my mother should accept it and do our marriage for which we can't even take any decision further. Only thing is I want to make my mother convinced.

Kindly suggest me some solution.

Wow... I thought only the Older Indian people are against InterCast Marriages.

An American Advise: Move on with your life and when your mom is ready... she will connect with you. You can't change a lifetime of Cast conditioning. Maybe someday she will accept it when India eventually get over the Cast system.

Good Luck.

I have to say that I really admire you for marrying the man of your dreams, and delighted that his family are so supportive. That must have been a very difficult decision for you to make, especially considering that in doing so, you risk your family abandoning you.

I agree with you, that when your mother is ready, she will come around. She will not be able to resist the fact that you are happy, and he has a supportive family. When children come along, she will also not be able to resist participating in that event.

Stay strong. She knows you love her.

Good for you, I wish you all the best!

At some point people in all societies have to do things that will break down old restrictive institutions (like the caste system) and fight again commonly held prejudices.

This is what you're doing, and it's really hard because your family is against you.

Marry the man that you love - you have the support of his family and your siblings. Your mother will come round eventually. The times are changing and many cultures are having to accept that the old mores don't apply.

Sometimes the thought of the shame is much greater than the reality. In the end, it's the love and connection that we have for each other that is most important.

Good luck, I wish you well.

Threads merged

Hi, I have read some of the answers sent to me.

Today my boyfriends family members are planning to come from Bombay and get us married in a traditional way by Sunday. I am afriad because my mother has gone to Bangalore to stay with my sister and my father is alone at home and at present I am looking after him, if I take suddenly this decision to go out from home and live with him, will it be right towards my family, my father.

This thought came in my mind because my mother is not at all ready to support me and marry me in good manner.

My monther also asked me that if you get married to him, you will have children's later on then whose culture are you going to follow up.

Kindly suggest me some solution.

This should be merged with your previous thread. For future reference, to reply in an existing thread use the "answer this question" button.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by roopali143

Hi, i have read some of the answers sent to me.

Today my boyfriends family members are planning to come from Bombay and get us married in a traditional way by sunday. I am afriad because my mother has gone to Bangalore to stay with my sister and my father is alone at home and at present i am looking after him, if i take suddenly this decision to go out from home and live with him, will it be right towards my family, my father.

This thought came in my mind because my mother is not at all ready to support me and marry me in good manner.

my monther also asked me that if you get married to him, you will have childrens later on then whose culture are you going to follow up.

Kindly suggest me some solution.

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You have mentioned how other people in your family feel about the marriage especially your mother, but how does your father feel about it? Is he willing to give you his support?

In today's society, Does the Cast system affect the type of jobs he can get?

What country do you live in now or Will live in?


Many of the India people I know in Texas, say it really doesn't matter in America.
But back in India with the older folks, there are some of the same old thinkings.

Hey, your country is moving into the future everyday.
Time and progress is on your side.

Hi,

I have received some answers to my questions, I need one more suggestion from you, my sister yesterday informed me that my mother is planning to cancel my registered marriage and not ready to acept us in any condition, so I have planned to go from my home by next week, because my boyfreinds sister is coming to get us married because there is no other solution left, will it be fine going from home within mothers presences.

Kindly suggest some solution please. I am totally confused.

Roopali, I am also getting confused.

You are already married, right? You are moving from your mothers home, to your husbands home.

Why is that a problem, and how can your mother 'cancel' the marriage?

If you are already registered marriage for 6 months, is it even possible for your mom to cancel the marriage? I don't know the India or hindus law. You should just check with where you've registered, but don't tell them about your caste situation. Just tell them that you've heard it from the people in the street. In this way, your caste problem will not be found out. I've already seen on National Geographic Society documentary about India that's why I am a little more informed. Good luck.

Ya I have already registered my marriage, but my only problem is that my father is alone at home and my mother is away in Bangalore, is it fine to live my dad and go away from home within my mothers presences.


Suggest some solution, please.

I am now confused. I am not too familiar with marriage in India. Your mother already told you to go live with your husband. Wheather your mom be present at the same time as your father isn't an issue anymore. Tell your father that you love him and hope that mom would understand. Hope this helped.

I am trying to say that, as far my dad is concerned he is damm against my marriage with him. He is afraid only about the respect he will loss in our community.

My mom is trying not to accept us but my younger sister is saying not to take any step without mom presence, it will again hurt mom badly, so I am totally confused whether to wait or not.

My boyfreinds family members are coming especially to get us married in traditional way, but they even say that you can't go to your mothers place after marriage because she has not understood you and us. I can't even stop them.

What decision to take please suggest me.

You must choose between love and family. So far you've been following your heart, are you ready to give up your love because your family is against your marriage? You did suggest that your mom might come around later. May I suggest that if you get married don't contact them for a very long time and move far away, if you can. I've seen where murder even occurred because the parent didn't agree with marriage. If you can't handle even the thought of this then the only solution is to give up on your love.

I can't live my love and I want my mother also to understand me and be with me. But sheis not at all, only she has the fear of respect that she will loss.

I want to take final decision and go away from my home, but I even want my mom.

I have got legally married to him and can't even think to depart from him.

Only thing is hurting me is should I take decision without mom's presences or should I wait till she comes. But it will take much time and I am not able to take any harss words or hatered from anyone. What will I do shall I go away from home.

Suggestion some solutions please I am totally lost.

You will have to live with the hurt of your mother's displeasure until she realizes that she still loves you.

Marry while she's gone. Move out. Love your husband and build a new family with him and his. This will hurt her. She will say things to hurt you. Let her. Her anger will fade over time and you will become her daughter again.

It is sad that this hurt must come, but it must come. Let it flow by and things will improve. It may take time.

I liked the answer given by pest control.

I am again little bit confused, this week my boyfriends sister is coming and we are proposing to get married in temple by Friday. My mother will be coming by next Monday and my father is alone, shall I take my final step.

Kindly suggest,

Hi roopali,

I would like to clarify one thing,
What about the dowry? Is your father paying it?

.

My answer to FRIMBIELVER question, My father isnot giving dowry to my boyfriends family

Sonia,
Why does your father need looking after?

Here's some information I found on the net. This might be bad.

Essential Ceremonies
A Hindu marriage can take place according to the customary rites and ceremonies.

The ceremony of saptapadi and kanyadana are important ceremonies prevalent among vast majority of Hindus and the ceremony of saptapadi before the sacred fire has been held essential for a valid Hindu Marriage.

Registration
The marriages solemnized, may be registered under the Special Marriage Act with office of the registrar, in the Hindu Marriage Register.
Registration is not compulsory and in no way effects the validity of the marriage. It is entirely up to the parties to have the marriage registered.

No marriage can be registered unless the following conditions are fulfilled :

* A ceremony of marriage has been performed between the parties and they have been living together as husband and wife.
* Neither party has at the time of registration more than one spouse living.
* Neither party is an idiot or lunatic at the time of registration.
* The parties have completed the age of twenty one years at the time of registration
* The parties are not within the degrees of prohibited relationship
* The parties have been residing within the district of the Marriage Officer for a period of not less than thirty days immediately preceding the date on which the application is made to him for registration.
* On receiving the application signed by both the parties the Marriage Officer shall give public notice and after allowing 30 days for objections and on being satisfied that all the conditions are fulfilled he shall enter a certificate in the marriage certificate book, which shall be signed by the parties and three witnesses.

I hope your mom has not objected then.

Check this out,
Indian Marriage Acts, Marriage Laws In India, Marriage Acts In India,,
The Special Marriage Act-1954

Recently I read an article in TOI about couples eloping to get married. There has been some change in the law that there cannot be a case on couples who elope, given they are 18 for girls and 21 for boys. Give it a check. Also, why don't you post the issue under Law in AMHD.. might get some more information.

Its very bas to say that my father as not done any bank balance for us to get married.

We have to earn and get settled in our life. No one is bothere about our life.

I only need solution that can I go and stay away get mariied with my boyfriend and live with him. Kindly suggest

Sonia, Didn't you read my post? You want to know whether you can go and live with your husband. First, know if your marriage is valid or void, whether your mother can create problems, if it is void.

Essential Ceremonies
A Hindu marriage can take place according to the customary rites and ceremonies.

The ceremony of saptapadi and kanyadana are important ceremonies prevalent among vast majority of Hindus and the ceremony of saptapadi before the sacred fire has been held essential for a valid Hindu Marriage.

Registration
The marriages solemnized, may be registered under the Special Marriage Act with office of the registrar, in the Hindu Marriage Register.
Registration is not compulsory and in no way effects the validity of the marriage. It is entirely up to the parties to have the marriage registered.

No marriage can be registered unless the following conditions are fulfilled :

* A ceremony of marriage has been performed between the parties and they have been living together as husband and wife.
* The parties have completed the age of twenty one years at the time of registration
* The parties have been residing within the district of the Marriage Officer for a period of not less than thirty days immediately preceding the date on which the application is made to him for registration.
* On receiving the application signed by both the parties the Marriage Officer shall give public notice and after allowing 30 days for objections and on being satisfied that all the conditions are fulfilled he shall enter a certificate in the marriage certificate book, which shall be signed by the parties and three witnesses.

I hope your mom has not objected then.

Check this out,
Indian Marriage Acts, Marriage Laws In India, Marriage Acts In India,,
The Special Marriage Act-1954

Recently I read an article in TOI about couples eloping to get married. There has been some change in the law that there cannot be a case on couples who elope, given they are 18 for girls and 21 for boys. Give it a check. Also, why don't you post the issue under Law in AMHD.. might get some more information

You have your husband's family support, your sibling's and father's support. Not financially but emotionally. If your marriage is valid, don't wait for your mother's consent. Go ahead. Live your life. You have every right to live as you like.

As for your mother asking what customs and traditions your child will adopt, why not both? Inter-caste marriages are getting very common now. In fact, inter-religion marriages are common too.

why is your mother so against inter-caste marriage? if she is so into religion and caste, I hope she knows that 90% of everything that people follow as religion and caste has changed now. What she thinks is right might be something just created for their own convenience. Let me give you an example.
In many parts of India, girls who have got their menses are not allowed to touch anything or anyone. They are made to live those 3-5 days away from everyone. They are considered to be untouchables until they take the head bath. You know the reason behind it? Women, many years or maybe centuries ago, did more of physical work unlike now. Their body could not take all that exercise during menses and hence rested those 5 days. As precautionary measures, they were not allowed to do any work. They slept separately since they were bleeding a lot and there were no sanitary pads then. Hence, no bed while they slept. The fact is that people followed it for years and it became a tradition. Many such traditions were made by us for our convenience and people blindly follow it.

Initially your mom might not support you, but later on she will come to her senses. Unfortunately if she doesn't, don't let go. Keep in constant touch with her. Don't let go of your siblings and father just because your mother is against you.

Hi thanks for all you of for giving me suugestions and solutions.

I have finally decided to get married on Friday and live my home, I just need to ask you that whether I am doing the right thing, without informning my parents at all what I am doing, my dad and mother are totally opposed to my marriage and my brother and younger sister is supporting me. I am only tensed that my father is at home alone and he might get tensed hearing my marriage without knowing to him. But I have no options left.

Only for the last time I need some suggestion from you, kindly advise me, as I am very tensed to go ahead without knowledge to my parents.

Please suggest.:confused:

Leave him a note so he will know that you're okay. Something along the lines of "Don't worry, I'll be fine, I didn't want to fight and anger you more." will express your love and determination at the same time.

Thanks for all your suggestions and advises,

My father doesn't notice anything, he gets angry very soon and he has no patiences to think at all. He directly shouts out, I only want him to be good at health and nothing else I need, my mother will be fine because my sister is there to look after her and she will not come so early at home.

I am only feeling guilty that what I am going to do is right or wrong.

I am leaving my house without parents permission. I am not going out from the house with the intention to loose my family forever, I want to come back and ask to forgive them and be toggther once again, will it be possible to get back to my mother after me leaving the house, I am worried about that. I only want my mother to understand me and get back to me.

I will be able to get my mother love and her understand back, I want an solution for this, please

It will take some time. However, if she loves you as much as I think she does, when she understands that you are happy in your marriage, I think she will calm down and accept it. Especially after the first child is born (don't let that thought rush you into having children).

Please don't allow the way you are leaving home to affect your marriage. It isn't easy being newly married when both families get along. There will be disagreements-it is normal. Just try to stay calm and work through your problems as a couple. Be prepared for feeling down and upset after leaving home and give yourself ways to take your mind off the hurt caused by your parents not understanding.

It sounds like your husband's family is welcoming you as one of their own. Allow yourself to learn their family traditions and become a part of their family (as it would be even if your mother did approve).

I wish you many happy years with your husband and the family that you will be creating together.

I was never suggesting you abandon your family completely. If you know they'll be pretty upset if they found out that you got married even after their objection, then you need to give your parents some time to calm down. Later, when you think they are not angry at you go talk to them and tell them that it was never in your intention to hurt them, but you had to follow your heart.

Do you know anyone whom your parents will respect and also supports your relationship? i.e.. Grandparents, Priest, Your Uncle & Aunt. Have the Respected One talk to your parents.

Hi,

My mother is coming back today, I am very tensed and afriad that what will be my mother reaction. I am taking my final decision of getting married on Friday without my mothers kwoledge. I had told my sister and some of the my friends that I will get married on Friday, they might have told my mother.

I only want to ask that what should I speak when mother tells me anything, should I react or keep quite. Suggest please

Quote:

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Originally Posted by roopali143

Hi,

My mother is coming back today, i am very tensed and afriad that what will be my mother reaction. I am taking my final decision of getting married on friday without my mothers kwoledge. I had told my sister and some of the my friends that i will get married on friday, they might have told my mother.

I only want to ask that what should i speak when mother tells me anything, should i react or keep quite. suggest please

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Go ask your Uncle, Aunt, and Grandparents.

Since you have decided to go ahead with the marriage, Don't react to whatever your mother says. Don't answer back to her. It will lead to a wider gap. It doesn't mean you keep quite. Speak but only if necessary. Its OK to tell your mom that you love him and you are getting married, talk about it but don't blame your mother for anything.

If my mother says me to out out from the house immediate shall I live my home and go. My boyfriend even suggested me that if they say you anything you just come away from your home.

If they don't agree at all even if I try to convince them for the last time, shall I live my home and go. I am very much tensed and can't find any solution. Please help me out.

Sweety, when u have decided to get married to him, no matter what, then what's the use asking whether you have to leave hime if your mom asks you to? If you have to marry him against your parents, you HAVE to leave home. You have no other option.

Also, I am confused. You mentioned that you and your guy got registered 6 months back. If so, why do you call him your boyfriend?

Ok
Thanks for the suggestions, but still I am afriad and tensed for the dicision I have taken, I am thinking that if my mother agrees with heavy heart and tells me to wait till next month, shall I wait.

My Husband is not ready to wait he is telling to say mom that I can't wait anymore. What shall I do.

Shall I do whatever decision I have taken please suggest.

You are 18+ right? You have all the right to make your own decisions. Your parents do not have any right on you. It is just that being an Indian, it comes in our blood to respect our family and our elders and hence we think sooooooooooooooo many times before taking any action. I can understand how you are feeling. It is very hard to go against your parents as of now. But do you have any other option? What's the use waiting another month? Will that change anything?Now, or a month from Now, you are married already and you can't change it. Your parents have to accept it.

[QUOTE=Silver Lining;2090519]you are 18+ right? You have all the right to make your own decisions. Your parents do not have any right on you. It is just that being an Indian, it comes in our blood to respect our family and our elders and hence we think sooooooooooooooo many times before taking any action. I can understand how you are feeling. It is very hard to go against your parents as of now. But do you have any other option? What's the use waiting another month? Will that change anything?Now, or a month from Now, you are married already and you can't change it. Your parents have to accept it.[QUOTE]

I got married last 15 days back and know they have put me condition that I have to forget my parents and my relatives anf break all relation with my parents and if I go and meet my parents they will put me out from my house even my husband told me this. My family members are trying to take me out from that by giving me divorce from him.

My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out. You are working and whole life they will make you to work, this all my family members are saying and telling my mom and dad to bring from my husband family as soon as possible. Because further anything wrong should not happened.

My husband is saying me that either I should forget my family or I should forget him.

With 8 days of my maariage I am not happy in my husbands house. What decision my family members have took shall I go with that. Please advise

None of us can help you.

You are going to do want you want to do anyway.
You just need to think things out carefully.

1st tell me whom are you referring when you say family members? The way you have written is totally confusing. Refer to your mom and dad as parents and your husband's family as in-laws and then re-write. Kindly use comma (,) and full stop (.)...

Far as I understand, you are married, your husband has asked you to leave your parents and not have any contact with them.

Now, is it your parents who are asking you to get a divorce? If so, they cannot force you into a divorce. They have no right.

what do you mean by... My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out...

I am guessing your in-laws are not treating you properly since you didn't get any dowry. They are threatening to make you work at home and not let you go out and contact your parents. That is the reason your parents are trying to get you a divorce. Am I Right?

Isn't yours a love marriage? Didn't you know how your husband and his family were before you married him?

Do you think you can be happy with your husband?

If my guess is right and your in-laws are treating you badly for not getting dowry, DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY. People who take dowry are never satisfied, no matter how much you give. They always want more. Marriage is not a business. If they insist on dowry, they will treat you bad your whole life. Haven't they started already? Saying you will work your whole life and that you have to leave your parents or your husband.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silver Lining

1st tell me whom are u referring when u say family members? the way you have written is totally confusing. refer to your mom and dad as parents and your husband's family as in-laws and then re-write. kindly use comma (,) and full stop (.)...

far as i understand, you are married, your husband has asked you to leave ur parents and not have any contact with them.

now, is it your parents who are asking you to get a divorce? if so, they cannot force you into a divorce. they have no right.

what do you mean by ..... My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out...

I am guessing your in-laws are not treating you properly since you didnt get any dowry. they are threatening to make you work at home and not let you go out and contact your parents. that is the reason your parents are trying to get you a divorce. Am I Right?

isn't yours a love marriage? didn't you know how your husband and his family were before you married him?

do you think you can be happy with your husband?

If my guess is right and your in-laws are treating you badly for not getting dowry, DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY. People who take dowry are never satisfied, no matter how much you give. they always want more. marriage is not a business. if they insist on dowry, they will treat you bad your whole life. havent they started already? saying you will work your whole life and that you have to leave your parents or your husband.

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My in laws where very good before and even my husband, but I made a mistake and did not understand them. My in laws are still not asking me anything about dowry but my parents are saying that they will ask you in future and that when you have a child all the responsibility of looking after it will come on me because I am working. My husband even said me not to work but my in laws will not allow me to do that.

I am trapped in a very bad manner. My only worry is that shall I take my decision so soon of divorce from my husband wihtin 15 days of marriage or shall I test him.
My mom says no need to test him again. Please suggest