I don't think I can handle this marriage any longer... im not even sure I still love him... but that could simply be because I am angry at the moment...


my hsuband is sitting behind me cussing and yelling and ing about money...

I took his debit card away and hid it yesterday... because he once again, for the 5 time this MONTH, over drew our account.

in case some of you don't know (I posted it already once I think) ill break down our budget...

in a month

he brings home about 1000

rent is 640 something.

electric is 180

grocerys 200

ciggarettes for him when we can sometimes afford it 100 (I have quit, because we can't afford it, but he refuses to)

phone 10$ but its in my moms bill and my mom doesn't make me pay it if I cant.

that's IT.

already we pay out more than what we have... and constantly borrow from friends, family, payday advances, and direct deposit advances... and god forbid anything unexpected happen in which we need more money for



well, right now his complaint is that HE has no EXTRA spending money...

well I'm sorry. NEITHER DO I.

I couldn't even afford to get our 5 year old school supplies. My mom paid for ALL of it.



so... I just gave him an ultimatum... I told him to think about it all day... and to tell me tonight after ayla goes to bed...

I told him that if he wanted all 'his money' back again (we were split up for 6 months last year and I didn't get any of 'his' money) and he wanted to spend all of 'his' money on crap, like mc donalds, monster drinks, and random candy and junk thruought the day... then to just TELL Me... and ill give him back his debit card, me and ayla will move back in with my mother, and then he can do it all by himself. And have all the extra money he wants...

then of course... being my husband he says 'oh that's nice' and stomps away...



am I being mean here? This is not the first time this has happened. We have been married 3 years. And of those three years, I have been hospitalized for suiside 6 times (I have NEVER been admitted to the hosptial before I met and married him) we fight constantly... arguing over stupid things over and over and over again...

we just got food stamps... and aparently he thinks 'oh good we have food stamps now I can spend MORE money' I'm sorry that's just now how it works...



for those of you who don't know... my husband has mental retardation (im not saying it as an insult. He was in his mothers birth canal for way too long and was oxygen deprived for almost 8 minutes when he was born)

I am just at my wits end...



the only thing holding me back... is my daughter. Her school is here... my moms house is 25-30 minutes away... granted, the food stamps are in my name, so my husband won't have those, so I suppose I can help my mom pay for her gas, by buying grocerys for her. But that won't work forever. And my duaghter LOVES this school and her teacher and already has many friends... is it selfish of me to want to take her away from all that to get away from my husband?



we are in marriage counseling... the counselor says give it time, but we haven't seen him for a week or so.

or do you think this is still savable? Could a weekend (or week long) marriage retreat help? A vacation together? Or even simply time APART?

any advice is greatly apreciated... thank you...



*PS* NOW, he is ing at me for having a ciggarette because of all the stress. And he also demands that I take it outside which I'm not going to because HE smokes in the damn house!

Have you ever thought of marriage counseling and financial counseling? There are many places where you can get free advise counseling for this sort of problems. Money is generally accepted as the number one reason for family fights and divorce. Get the professional help and soon. If he is unwilling or refuses I guess you know where you stand.

Hey girl I am sorry your going through this. But I think money is the cause of many marital fights.

Now that your little girl is in school why can't you go get a job? I know you mentioned before you couldn't because of one of your disabilities right? Well there are places I am sure you could work that would be fine. Why not just bag groceries?

I am still in my marriage for the sake of my son, I don't think that's fair to anyone involved. Your daughter doesn't need to see her parents with this tension. Yes she will see it. Why can't you move in to your own place. Your already getting help. Get more help and be on your own in your daughters school district. You can do anything you want to do if you put your mind to it.

But most important, have you talked to him? If your in counseling then you need to really open up and let it all out.

5 times overdrawn in one month! This post should be asking how do I properly remove my foot from my husbands @$$ without losing my shoe.

Jennie I am not going to say leave him but I would understand if you did. He has responsibilities and buying Micky D's and candy aren't any of them.

Does the Counselor know all this? Maybe she/he could put it in to perspective for your husband.

Also, try re-contacting your counsellor. Being about a week seems quite long, especially if you're in serious matters... I wish you good luck on that and that Ayla will not 'suffer' much about this.

First, lay off all the unnecessary purchases.
No McD's, no energy drinks, no candy, no junk food. Your food-food is covered by foodstamps now, so that isn't a worry.

Do you have any income, Jennie?

But, as it is now:
1000-640-180-100=80 (thanks for the correction adam)
You have eighty dollars of spending money a month. Granted you don't have to pay for your phone, but I see no factors for gasoline, medical, dentistry, gas (for the home, not car), or plenty of other stuff.

You need to sit down and budget. As others have said, financial issues is the #1 reason of divorce. A lot of times, the couples still love each other, money just gets in the way.

Now, let me tell you one thing at a time.
Housing itself should NEVER be over half of your income. If all that's coming to the table is 1000 a month, and rent is 640 a month, then you NEED to find a cheaper place to live.

Do you have a fixed rate electricity plan, or do you have a pay-as-you-use type? If you have the former, you NEED the latter. Cut down on energy. Turn off lights, only one TV in the house on at a time. Crack a window and turn on a fan instead of turning the air on. There are plenty of things you can do. When you can, invest in things such as shake-and-go flashlights instead of battery powered ones, solar walkway lights instead of corded ones, other things that you use, that can become a money saver instead of a money waster.

Smoking... *sigh*... it's one of the biggest money wasters out there. If you can't get him to quit, can you at least get him to cut back? I mean, $100 a month is outrageous. Try to get him to halv that.
As for you, you do know that that momentary relief by a cigarette only increases stress in about an hour?

I do believe some time alone could help, but you can still work it out. You BOTH need some serious budgeting, and to work through it together. Whatever his damage, he can see what it is doing to his daughter, and you can convince him what you need to for her.

Why can't you stay with your mom and commute her to school for now?

I know money situations can be very difficult sometimes but you have to keep moving forward. Don't let money separate you guys if you truly still love each other.

Sit down and write what needs paid each week and seperat the house payment into four week so you can make sure you have enough for it.

Write down what bills you can pay each week. I am sure you can cut down your electricity by a lot. I used to pay close to 200 a month for electricity now I pay 55 at max. Just cut out on what you can and make him quit smoking but don't let him spend the money on something else like booze.

Where did you go Jeni?

Does your counselor know all this? Make an appointment.

Jennie, dear, I can offer help with budgeting. I can offer support and advice on stopping/slowing down on cigarettes.

All I can do about the rest is ask you to look deep inside and urge you to see the counselor more frequently.

Let me know what I can do.

Jennie, I'm very sorry that you're in a fix. I really am.

You might want to keep the daycare income flowing for now. If not, is there some other way for you to earn some extra income? Maybe something online. There are reputable companies that pay to stay at home. Anything is better than $0.

Do you still love him? You need to think about that. Do not stay with him for your daughter alone. Kids are resilient, they will get over divorce better than we think. You know the cigarettes are a killer. On the his lungs, child, you, and the budget. What would he do alone? Would he make it? Probably not. Is he capable of comprehending this issueat all ? I'm like Cats, go to the counselor more often. Go now. Go to him with this issue. But please tell us , and mean it, that you will never, ever, try to take your life again. What would happen to your daughter? If your mother dies, she could end up in an orphanage, or with foster parents.

And GOD doesn't like suicide. Don't even think about it again.

May GOD give you strength and courage to make the right decisions. Bless you.

Jennie,

Times are tough, a lot of people are going through financial difficulties, I know, I'm there too.

Sometimes, when times are tough, the only thing that seems to make you feel better is to spend, even though you can't afford it. Sounds like your husband is there.

Also, he may be a bit resentful seeing as he brings home the money but you are in charge of what happens to it. Not that paying bills means you're hoarding the money, but does he even know the costs of everything, where the money goes?

Right now, I'm planning on going back to work. My kids will be in school again next month, no reason for me to stay home.

Why not look for a job that you can do while Ayla is in school. It may not bring in a lot but any extra is a good thing.

Walmart hires people with disabilities all the time, I'm sure they could find a position for you that wouldn't drain on you and they would most likely be willing to work around Ayla's school schedule.

For now, maybe turning off the internet, cable (if you have it) and cutting coupons etc would help keep things a bit more balanced, until you get back on your feet.

As for your marriage, it depends on you. If you no longer love him then there's no reason to stay, but think about Ayla too, because she's been tossed around quite a bit, do you really want to do that to her again if you and your husband can work it out?

hey everyone. I went to my moms house which is why I wasn't here (not to leave or run away, but just to calm down and think clearly, as he is off work today and calming down just wasn't happening lol)

I'm going to try to answer everyone's questions...

Helping Here...

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First, lay off all the unnecessary purchases.
No McD's, no energy drinks, no candy, no junk food. Your food-food is covered by foodstamps now, so that isn't a worry.

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easier said than done hon. I have asked him, begged him, explained to him, TOLD him, AURGUED with him about not spending the money. He does it anyway no matter what we talk about or agree upon.

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But, as it is now:
1000-640-180-100=80 (thanks for the correction adam)
You have eighty dollars of spending money a month. Granted you don't have to pay for your phone, but I see no factors for gasoline, medical, dentistry, gas (for the home, not car), or plenty of other stuff.

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yeah, the 80 goes to incedentals. Body soap. Shampoo, cleaning supplies. Toilet paper. Garbage bags etc. all those little house hold things that aren't covered by food stamps.

we don't have all those other expenses. Because our bills are so tight, we have health insurance through the state which also covers dentist and vision (medicaid I think its called) we don't have a car so no issues there.

we have a budget. All writtten down a week before each payday (he gets paid every other week) I do it all. And we have tried doing it together. He just sort of sits there and agrees with everything I say. And eventually he said 'everything looks good hon you take care of it'
I keep him updated on everything (outgoing bills, how much he brings home, all that stuff)
but he just sort of nods and says 'ok'

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Now, let me tell you one thing at a time.
Housing itself should NEVER be over half of your income. If all that's coming to the table is 1000 a month, and rent is 640 a month, then you NEED to find a cheaper place to live.

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the problem with that is there IS no cheaper places. This is the cheapest apartment in a 10 mile radius (he works at walmart and rides his bike) if we had a car it would be different. But even then not really because he doesn't have a drivers license (he tried to take the written test and kept failing so he gave up)

I even looked into cheaper places AWAY from his work, because he could transfer. And 650 is the norm for a 2 bedroom apartment here.
I have applied for section 8 and HUD 3 years ago when we first got married, but have heard nothing. A friend of mine said she was on the list for 6 years before she got on the program.

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Do you have a fixed rate electricity plan, or do you have a pay-as-you-use type? If you have the former, you NEED the latter. Cut down on energy. Turn off lights, only one TV in the house on at a time. Crack a window and turn on a fan instead of turning the air on. There are plenty of things you can do. When you can, invest in things such as shake-and-go flashlights instead of battery powered ones, solar walkway lights instead of corded ones, other things that you use, that can become a money saver instead of a money waster.

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we are on a pay as you go. And the lights are off all day. The ac is set to 80 ALL the time. I only do dishes and vacumming and stuff like that during 'peak hours' which is cheaper, from 7pm to noon.

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Smoking... *sigh*... it's one of the biggest money wasters out there. If you can't get him to quit, can you at least get him to cut back? I mean, $100 a month is outrageous. Try to get him to halv that.
As for you, you do know that that momentary relief by a cigarette only increases stress in about an hour?

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if you have any suggestions on how to get him to cut back please let me know. The reality is, if someone won't listen, there is nothing you can do to MAKE them listen.
and just to let you know hon, ciggarettes do NOT only increase stress in an hour. I had ONE ciggarette this afternoon and I STILL feel better. Have you ever been a smoker? (I hope not as your not old enough)

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I do believe some time alone could help, but you can still work it out. You BOTH need some serious budgeting, and to work through it together. Whatever his damage, he can see what it is doing to his daughter, and you can convince him what you need to for her.

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I bleieve we can fix it too. That's why I'm still with him otherwise I would have left last year for good.
if you think I can convince him of ANYTHING please let me know HOW...

OK, Altenweg...

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Also, he may be a bit resentful seeing as he brings home the money but you are in charge of what happens to it. Not that paying bills means you're hoarding the money, but does he even know the costs of everything, where the money goes?

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Yeah we have sat down several times on preevious paydays together to do the budget together. He doesn't contribute much, he just listens and agrees with everything I say and show him. He got to the point to where he said he didn't care, but yet, he throws a fit every time he doesn't have money, even though every time he does throw a fit, I SHOW him WHY we don't have any money and he goes 'oh, OK... im sorry'
And then we do it all over again the next day...

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Why not look for a job that you can do while Ayla is in school. It may not bring in a lot but any extra is a good thing.

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Yeah I've applied at a lot of the local little shops, walmart, sonic, dennys, mc donalds, tacobell, Quick Trip, cheveron and many others I don't even remmeber. I've been doing that for about a month now. It just seems that no one is hiring but I'm not giving up.

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For now, maybe turning off the internet, cable (if you have it) and cutting coupons etc would help keep things a bit more balanced, until you get back on your feet.

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We don't have those expenses. We have free wireless internet (apartment complex) and no cable. We just have lots of movies that were handed down to me from my parents (old vhs tapes) and various dvds that were gifts at christmas and birthdays and such

I don't get any coupons :( I don't know where to get them. But I DO do price matching at walmart for stuff. Which is when you look in ad papers from other stores, and walmart will match the prices of them if they are lower.





TO ALL.

Asking myself if I love him or not is part of the reason I came to my moms house for the night to calm down and think long and hard... I LOVE him... but LOVING someone and likeing them, getting along with them, or being IN love with them is different... lots of people are telling me it takes more than love to make a marriage work, and now I think I understand..


Thank you everyone so much for the support and advise. I'm feeling a bit better now, and when I left my house we did say goodbye in a kind way and he said 'even if we are fighting I still love you' and I said I love you too...

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

Helping Here...

Easier said than done hon. I have asked him, begged him, explained to him, TOLD him, AURGUED with him about not spending the money. He does it anyway no matter what we talk about or agree upon.

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Well, if he is going to buy these things anyway, have you maybe tried something like buying in bulk?
Like, maybe get a 12 pack of Monsters at costco, and give one to him every day? (I don't agree with energy drinks, but it's much cheaper than buying them one at a time) or something of the sort?

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yeah, the 80 goes to incedentals. Body soap. Shampoo, cleaning supplies. Toilet paper. Garbage bags etc. all those little house hold things that aren't covered by food stamps.

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Exactly my point. What happens if someone is stupid and runs over his bike, you won't have enough to get it fixed.

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we don't have all those other expenses. Because our bills are so tight, we have health insurance through the state which also covers dentist and vision (medicaid I think its called) we don't have a car so no issues there.

We have a budget. All writtten down a week before each payday (he gets paid every other week) I do it all. And we have tried doing it together. He just sort of sits there and agrees with everything I say. And eventually he said 'everything looks good hon you take care of it'
I keep him updated on everything (outgoing bills, how much he brings home, all that stuff)
But he just sort of nods and says 'ok'

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Question, how long has he been working at walmart, and what department/position? I know a few things (my mother has worked there for over 10 years) and I know that payment comes in every other week, but I don't think something's adding up.

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the problem with that is there IS no cheaper places. This is the cheapest apartment in a 10 mile radius (he works at walmart and rides his bike) if we had a car it would be different. But even then not really because he doesn't have a drivers license (he tried to take the written test and kept failing so he gave up)

I even looked into cheaper places AWAY from his work, because he could transfer. And 650 is the norm for a 2 bedroom apartment here.
I have applied for section 8 and HUD 3 years ago when we first got married, but have heard nothing. A friend of mine said she was on the list for 6 years before she got on the program.

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I'm not completely sure what program you're on (or trying to get on), but that's harsh. It is never wise financially to spend so much on your housing, but I guess you're stuck with that, for now. How long have you lived there, any grandfather clauses or anything?

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we are on a pay as you go. And the lights are off all day. The ac is set to 80 ALL the time. I only do dishes and vacumming and stuff like that during 'peak hours' which is cheaper, from 7pm to noon.

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I recommend turning the AC off. That's what I do. In fact, it's about 92f (34c?) here right now. It's uncomfortable, but it helps a lot. Fans and open doors/windows help.
Do you do the dishes by hand, or machine? Try doing them by hand.
When you do your laundry, hang them up to dry instead of using the dryer.
Vacuum only once a week, or if that's how often you do it, only twice every three weeks.
There are plenty of others you can cut down on, but the big-budget items are what's hot.

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if you have any suggestions on how to get him to cut back please let me know. The reality is, if someone won't listen, there is nothing you can do to MAKE them listen.
And just to let you know hon, ciggarettes do NOT only increase stress in an hour. I had ONE ciggarette this afternoon and I STILL feel better. Have you ever been a smoker? (I hope not as your not old enough)

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No, I am not a smoker myself, but being around literally dozens of smokers my life, I have been told, and learned through watching, that if you have a cigarette after being clean for a while, you'll want another one soon. If you don't get another, it makes it worse. I was just giving an hour as an estimate, it's different for all people, and assuming you didn't smoke another. Another factor is how long have you been clean?

Anyway, a good way to get him to cut back, is to reduce. For example, say, he smokes a carton in a week and a half. Buy the carton, but make one extra pack.
Take two cigarettes out of every pack. Limit each pack by two, and don't let him have more packs than usual. Then, by the time that runs out, you should have enough left over to make one extra pack. Not only will this make each carton last a little longer (assuming the contain the same amount as my mother's brand does) but it will make a little bit less enter his system.[/quote]

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I bleieve we can fix it too. That's why I'm still with him otherwise I would have left last year for good.
If you think I can convince him of ANYTHING please let me know HOW...

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Yes, but do you still LOVE him? That is the big question.
Trust me, your daughter would rather have split parents than being dragged around through all of their escapades.

EDIT: Okay, just read your post above. But, in case you don't love him, you shouldn't be with him.
You married him "for better or worse". Remember that word? I'm old school - I believe a marriage should be forever. Now, you have to struggle through the worse to arrive at the better.

And, of course, when I say "you" I mean "you and your husband" above. I don't expect you to do it all alone, e

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Question, how long has he been working at walmart, and what department/position? I know a few things (my mother has worked there for over 10 years) and I know that payment comes in every other week, but I don't think something's adding up.

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What doesn't add up?? He has worked there as a sales associate in electronics for 2 years now.

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I'm not completely sure what program you're on (or trying to get on), but that's harsh. It is never wise financially to spend so much on your housing, but I guess you're stuck with that, for now. How long have you lived there, any grandfather clauses or anything?

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Its just a regular old apartment. What's a grandfather clause?

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I recommend turning the AC off. That's what I do. In fact, it's about 92f (34c?) here right now. It's uncomfortable, but it helps a lot. Fans and open doors/windows help.
Do you do the dishes by hand, or machine? Try doing them by hand.
When you do your laundry, hang them up to dry instead of using the dryer.
Vacuum only once a week, or if that's how often you do it, only twice every three weeks.
There are plenty of others you can cut down on, but the big-budget items are what's hot.

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Dude... im in ARIZONA. Its 115 today. And it was only down to 92 last night after the sun went down.

I don't have a washer and dryer I use the on site apartment landry room. They pay for that electricity.

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Anyway, a good way to get him to cut back, is to reduce. For example, say, he smokes a carton in a week and a half. Buy the carton, but make one extra pack.
Take two cigarettes out of every pack. Limit each pack by two, and don't let him have more packs than usual. Then, by the time that runs out, you should have enough left over to make one extra pack. Not only will this make each carton last a little longer (assuming the contain the same amount as my mother's brand does) but it will make a little bit less enter his system.

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[/QUOTE]

Again... how do you propose I MAKE him do anything??
And he smokes a carton a week. Each carton is 52$. So sometimes its more than 150 a month for ciggs.



So... im not trying to be rude here... I honestly am not I promise... im going to try to say it nice, but I'm very stressed out and tired right now so sorry if I sound mean... but seriously how much life experience do you have with this kind of stuff?? Your answers all sound very naiive to me hon... I don't think you grasp the realitys of life well... things look GREAT when you write them all down on paper (marriage, bills, budgets) but the reality is VERY Different...

The reality is different, but really Jennie, this is doable, if you cut back on things, get a job, learn to budget.

HH is just trying to help and really, for a 17 year old, his ideas aren't bad ones.

Money is the number one cause of divorce. Adultry is second. That says a lot.

The thing is, you're a team, a married couple. If you can't work as a team then there is no hope.

Easier said then done, I know, but the two of you have to find a middle ground.

He has to realize that smoking, when you can't afford it, is a selfish unrealistic thing to do.

You have to realize that staying at home all day is also not realistic.

I know, you're looking, but how hard? There are jobs out there. They may not pay a lot, but any extra income at this point is, well, extra.

Did you go to secondary school? What skills do you have? Do you have a resume?

I can help you write one, I excel at writing resumes. PM me the info, I'll write it up and send it to you.

Don't give up. For better or for worse, this is the worse. Been there, done that. No marriage is all peaches and cream, there are tough spots. It's what you do during the tough spots that matter. :)

I know. I didn't mean to sound as harsh as I did to HH (I just re read it *blushes*) I'm very very sorry HH. I didn't mean it in a mean way. I hope you understand *hugs*

Altenweg, I have worked at subway 3 different times, walmart 4 different times, and 2 gas stations over night, I tried over night to see if that would help.
All of the jobs were ended because of me. I did a 'voluntary termination due to medical issues' and all of the employers told me to come back. But every time I did, it all just happened all over again. Each time I had a job I was depressed, not sleeping well, and then being exhasted while at work, not eating or OVER eating, and then I would come home, and the house would be a mess because I had no energy to take care of it, so that depressed me even more...

Its hard to explain.

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I'm in ARIZONA. Its 115 today. And it was only down to 92 last night after the sun went down.

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What are you doing in Arizona if you can't stand the heat?
Kidding, I didn't realize where you were, but maybe bump the air up to 82? Exponential growth will make that equal a lot of money over a year or so.

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

again... how do you propose I MAKE him do anything??
And he smokes a carton a week. Each carton is 52$. So sometimes its more than 150 a month for ciggs.

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I didn't say to make him do anything. I suggested reducing the number of cigarettes he smokes by two per pack. Since you handle the finances, I assumed you were the one to buy his cigarettes. And, since he agrees to what you propose, then forgets about it, I thought maybe he would agree to this, even if he were to forget you taking a few of his cigarettes.
I've done the same thing with my mother and uncle, and gotten them to reduce how much they smoked, and did the same thing for my brother who got a job on the condition that he would "quit smoking in three months" and he has been clean since. I actually got that trick from a group therapist who has been helping people quit for ~20 years or so, and he says it works ~90% of the time.

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so... im not trying to be rude here... I honestly am not I promise... im going to try to say it nice, but I'm very stressed out and tired right now so sorry if I sound mean... but seriously how much life experience do you have with this kind of stuff?? Your answers all sound very naiive to me hon... I don't think you grasp the realitys of life well... things look GREAT when you write them all down on paper (marriage, bills, budgets) but the reality is VERY Different...

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I understand, I am so young, so you think I don't know... :rolleyes:
No, I haven't had much experience with marriage, as you could imagine. However, with bills, budgets, and smokers, I do have more experience than most people. I run all of my 23 year old brother's finances, all of my own, and about half of my mother's and uncle's. (And basically control most of my friends' money, too.)
I'm a really... thrifty?. person, great with money... lol.
I have all three issues of "The Tightwad Gazette" (If you're never seen them, I suggest looking at your local library), and those are filled with tips on how to save money.
I completely understand if you don't completely trust my advice on this, granted I do make mistakes a lot, but I also know a few things about budgeting too. If you just want me to shut up, though, just say so. :D

OK so I just got a call from a friend here in phoenix who is also a member of the online mommys group we have in our city. And she says that while I'm over here at my moms house, issac is logging on to MY account on the moms group and posting as me!!

OK I'm tired of trying to be nice... HOW FREAKING CHILDISH IS THAT!!

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Originally Posted by HelpinHere

What are you doing in Arizona if you can't stand the heat? who knows ;) hehehe i want to go back to washington one day. need money :P hehe. but the cost of living IS cheaper out there hehe.
Kidding, I didn't realize where you were, but maybe bump the air up to 82? Exponential growth will make that equal a lot of money over a year or so. thats a great idea ill try that. thanks hon. (why i didnt think of that i DONT KNOW LOL
again...how do you propose i MAKE him do anything????
and he smokes a carton a week. each carton is 52$. so sometimes its more than 150 a month for ciggs.

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I didn't say to make him do anything. I suggested reducing the number of cigarettes he smokes by two per pack. Since you handle the finances, I assumed you were the one to buy his cigarettes. And, since he agrees to what you propose, then forgets about it, I thought maybe he would forget you taking a few of his cigarettes.
I've done the same thing with my mother and uncle, and gotten them to reduce how much they smoked, and did the same thing for my brother who got a job on the condition that he would "quit smoking in three months" and he has been clean since. I actually got that trick from a group therapist who has been helping people quit for ~20 years or so, and he says it works ~90% of the time. Ive tried this too, unfortunatley what happens is while he is at work, he will 'bum' money off people at work to get a pack. i have no problem with him bumming a ciggarette off friends at work if thats what he wants, but he has his friends BUYING him packs, and then expects me to make up the difference so he can pay them back.



I understand, I am so young, so you think I don't know... :rolleyes:
No, I haven't had much experience with marriage, as you could imagine. However, with bills, budgets, and smokers, I do have more experience than most people older than me. I run all of my 23 year old brother's finances, all of my own, and about half of my mother's and uncle's. (And basically control most of my friends' money, too.)
I'm a really... thrifty?. person, great with money... lol.
I have all three issues of "The Tightwad Gazette" (If you're never seen them, I suggest looking at your local library), and those are filled with tips on how to save money.
I completely understand if you don't completely trust my advice on this, granted I do make mistakes a lot, but I also know a few things about budgeting too. If you just want me to shut up, though, just say so. :D[/QUOTE]
i know hon, you do have good ideas. im sorry i snapped at you *hugs* i really am. im just a little tense right now. forgive me?

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

what doesn't add up?? He has worked there as a sales associate in electronics for 2 years now.

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Well, I'm not completely sure on all of the policies, but if he is working full time, at minimum wage in Arizona, then that's 40x6.9
=276 a week, x4.3 (average month) = 1186.8 a month, before any raises he has received over the years, and taxes (not sure about taxes in Arizona)...
I was getting confused, because when I first looked at it, I factored in OUR minimum wage, I didn't think about what state you were in, and that confused me... :o

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its just a regular old apartment. What's a grandfather clause?

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A grandfather clause means if you have lived there for 5 years, but you signed a lease when you moved in, and they raise the base rate, they can't charge you that much because your lease stated $100 less, for example.
Basically, your rent stays what it said in the lease, only raising by 5% a year (or whatever the limit is), instead of raising 125% for everyone else. (The way it works is landlords can charge whatever they want, but to only new tennents. If you signed a lease before they raised it, then it doesn't apply to you.)
You may want to look into that, you may have been paying too much, but I'm not sure, lol.

I KEEP FORGETTING that you're in a different state, so state/local laws that apply to me won't apply to you, necessarilly. Sorry for any confusion/wasted time by anything I posted without thinking about that... :o

(sorry, had to run to another post to get more quoted stuff, :P)

Yes, it's all good. You have a right to be frustrated, and I'll stop trying to help, if that's what you want! :p
*hugs back* and if you really think you need me to forgive you, then I do, but you don't need it.

Just caught the connection, too much is talking to his friends for money...
have you tried talking to THEM and explaining your financial system, asking them to not lend him any more money? If he can't get money from them, then that much money less he has to owe. :)

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

...because he once again, for the 5 time this MONTH, over drew our account.

already we pay out more than what we have

well, right now his complaint is that HE has no EXTRA spending money...

well im sorry. NEITHER DO I.

am i being mean here?

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N0 you are not being mean here, you are not being unreasonable you did exactly the right thing. He needs a tough love wake up.
He needs to realize the responsibility rather than his wanting a Monster and a Snicker!

You can not be expected to work around his wastefulness with money you don't have to pay bills that you can't afford.

You would be better off going NOW than later, once you have her in school it will be harder on her changing schools --NEW START NOW is better.

That hat I posted is looking more and more reasonable!

Can you try having him sit down with you and doing the bills with you?
That might help give him a better perspective.

I also agree buy bulk but hide it otherwise he will think since you have an abundance he can suck it down twice as fast. Been there, dealt with it.

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Originally Posted by HelpinHere

Well, I'm not completely sure on all of the policies, but if he is working full time, at minimum wage in Arizona, then that's 40x6.9
=276 a week, x4.3 (average month) = 1186.8 a month, before any raises he has recieved over the years, and taxes (not sure about taxes in Arizona)...
I was getting confused, because when I first looked at it, I factored in OUR minimum wage, I didn't think about what state you were in, and that confused me... :o


A grandfather clause means if you have lived there for 5 years, but you signed a lease when you moved in, and they raise the base rate, they can't charge you that much because your lease stated $100 less, for example.
Basically, your rent stays what it said in the lease, only raising by 5% a year (or whatever the limit is), instead of raising 125% for everyone else. (The way it works is landlords can charge whatever they want, but to only new tennents. If you signed a lease before they raised it, then it doesn't apply to you.)
You may want to look into that, you may have been paying too much, but I'm not sure, lol.

I KEEP FORGETTING that you're in a different state, so state/local laws that apply to me won't apply to you, necessarilly. Sorry for any confusion/wasted time by anything I posted without thinking about that... :o

(sorry, had to run to another post to get more quoted stuff, :P)

Yes, it's all good. You have a right to be frustrated, and I'll stop trying to help, if that's what you want! :p
*hugs back* and if you really think you need me to forgive you, then I do, but you don't need it.

Just caught the connection, too much is talking to his friends for money...
have you tried talking to THEM and explaining your financial system, asking them to not lend him any more money? If he can't get money from them, then that much money less he has to owe. :)

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Here let me copy down his paystub.



REgular Earning Rate: $9.45hr hours 54.13 earnings: 511.53


(we do not pay into state or federall taxes, something about being married with 6 exemptions and making under a certain amount each paycheck.
SOcial security : 45.42
Life insurance 2.30
Ins MED U 65
Ins DEN U 11.90


CUrrent Earnings 511.53
Taxes 45.42
Other deductions 79.20
Net pay 418.91


He IS written down as a full time employee, and last year he was making 80 hours and we were bringing home 1300 (which was still tight but MUCH better and easier)
But they are cutting hours left and right.so he is still making over 30 hrs a week but only barely.


Nohelp, we have sat down so many many times and did the bills together, it does no good. :( he agrees and works with me and we get it all hashed out together and he KNOWS we have no money left, he STILL spends our money.


I have gone through our bills so many many times and there is nothing that can be cut back at all. Everything is at the bare minimum

I think my first question would be why you would take on the responsibility of marrying someone with a mental disability and not accept the inherent problems associated with that?

Most of the problems you post about revolve around his inability to do something. I guess my question Jennie is are you having unrealistic expectations for someone who is mentally challenged?

What are his capabilities as far as handling money?

You took on a responsibility to be with a person with a handicap and with all due respect , it appears that much of the difficulty seems to stem from his immaturity and that may never change.

Maybe your expectations are unrealistic. Does he have a social worker or a coach that he sees?

Public assistance offers programs to teach people how to budget and maybe you guys need to take advantage of that.

There are life skills programs for the people who have little experience.That might be useful.

I think you must have known the challenges you were going to be put in when you married a man with M.R..

I didn't know he was THIS bad arty. I admit we rushed it... I know better now and won't ever make that mistake again... but we met in February of 2006, and were married October of 2006. I knew he was slower. But I had no idea he was this bad.

He also already took a live in life skills program for mentally handicapped adults to learn how to function independently. I'm not sure what happened though. He was there for 3 years living in the program. (its a live in program) but it doest seem to have helped much.

I am going to take a budget class, aylas school offers it to parents of the studends (as well as parenting classes, cooking classes, anything you can think of.)

Jennie, the thing that worries me most is Ayla.

You've admitted that you had men in and out of her life since she was born.

Now she has a father, someone that takes her to the pool, spends time with her, loves her, and you're thinking of taking that away from her again.

She has problems already, I think the majority of them are because of the revolving door of men that come and go from her life.

She needs stability.

It's hard to deal with, I know, but still, what are you doing to help the problem?

You say you've looked for work, well look harder. You say that your disabilities make it hard for you to work, but your husband also has disabiliites yet he works every day to put food on the table.

I know it's frustrating not to have enough money every month, but if you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem. He works, what do you do?

I don't want to be mean, I just can't help but think that you're mad about something you have the power to change but are unwilling to change.

What do you do all day? You started another thread saying how bored you are now that Ayla is in school, well then, go out, do something to bring in extra money for your family.

Um... since her bio dad left there was one guy name matt, and then my husband issac... thats it...

So... almost all my friends and family are telling me NOT to stay with him just for ayla because if me and issac aren't happy, she isn't going to be happy...

But I should stay with him and keep trying (after 2 years of the same things) because of ayla?

Isn't the first rule all marriage counselors tell you is to NOT stay in the marriage JUST for the kids?

At least that's what ours told us last year when we were going.


*EDIT* besides... im not thinking my marriage is all that stable at the moment and hasn't been for years... so I'm not sure how she is going to get stability with us staying in this marriage...

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

i know. i didnt mean to sound as harsh as i did to HH (i just re read it *blushes*) im very very sorry HH. i didnt mean it in a mean way. i hope you understand *hugs*

altenweg, i have worked at subway 3 different times, walmart 4 different times, and 2 gas stations over night, i tried over night to see if that would help.
all of the jobs were ended because of me. i did a 'voluntary termination due to medical issues' and all of the employers told me to come back. but every time i did, it all just happend all over again. each time i had a job i was depressed, not sleeping well, and then being exhasted while at work, not eating or OVER eating, and then i would come home, and the house would be a mess because i had no energy to take care of it, so that depressed me even more...

its hard to explain.

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The most urgent I think now is that:
1. Your husband is spending too much on cigarettes.
2. He is the only one able to bring some money home.

This time, you must be willing to work. If one likes a job, I don't think that one would be depressed. Try to find some easy job, which you think you won't be 'spending too much of your energy' and bringing at least some income. As Alty said, if you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

If you do find a job, you can create a separate bank account, and make savings. If your husband keeps on overspending, your combined account (sp?) will soon be empty. That way, you'll also show him how much money he can waste, without risking to lose all your savings.

Your husband seriously needs to reduce, or better cut off with smoking. I know it's a difficult and long process, but it's the best solution concerning his overspending on cigs. Could you perhaps try the basics for stopping smoking like nicotine patchs?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know you love him, and that's another good reason to make sure he does destroy himself, and taking you and Ayla with him.

Try having cheaper foodstuff, which are healthy as well. McDonalds, besides being not that cheap is neither very good for your health with all the stuff they put in it.

I wish you the best of luck with that. I have no experience in budgeting, but I know some people who went better through similar situations by doing the above things. Perseverance is the key. It's hard, but worth it. :)

Jenni, my husband works with adults that have mild intellectual disabilities (which is what it is called in Australia), and one of the things that many of the people he works with find difficult to understand is consequences.

Your average person may understand consequences or ignore them, but people like your husband can't comprehend them. Hence the continual overdrawing of the account, as one example. He may say he understands, but he actually doesn't, and in fact, can't.

So, taking away the debit card is really your only option if you don't want this to happen again. In fact, if you don't want it to happen at all you probabaly need to manage the finances, bills and food stamps yourself and give him pocket money on a daily basis. You may well have to do this for the rest of your married lives.

Budget classes may help you, but what you really need is to take on some work - even if it is casual or part time. It's not sustainable to be continually in debt or to keep borrowing off your mother, and in fact, it's unfair. But, of course you know this.

You say that you find it difficult to work because it makes you sick, but what will you do if you and Isaac separate? Surely you'll need to get some work to support yourself and your daughter? It's very impotant to find some work for yourself, if only to give yourself a sense of purpose and some pride in your achievements.

Essentially I agree with Altenweg, you have taken on an adult with a disability so you either deal with it and 'manage him', as there is little possibility that he will change, or you leave. You've already had three years in this relationship, and so you have a good sense of what the future with him is likely to bring.

If you stay you will need to find appropriate supports for both yourself and him.

On one post you say you are in counseling and in another you say you haven't since last year? HUH?
If you really want any help here you have to be honest.

If you think you can't do it, Then leave it. Now you can't do it. Because you have set it in your mind.

We are in your corner Jennie,please know that.
We are also blatantly honest.
If you ask for advise ,you know us ,we tell it as we see it .:)

I know arty. No worries. I'm just stressed, and I didn't sleep last night as I was up all night thinking (and unfortunately smokeing all night too, I KNOW I quit and then I did it again all last night, I am NOT smoking today)

I should take a nap but my mind is racing right now, and I am having a bit of anxiety (im breathing a little quickly and my heart feels like its going to break my ribs its pounding so hard) I would take a trazadone (a sleep aid my doc gave me) but I have to pick ayla up from school soon and I don't want to over sleep you know? Ill just make sure to take a trazadone tonight and sleep tonight.

Thank you everyone so much for your help. I'm so very sorry if I ever came off as mean or snippy. I know your all trying to help, and yes, I know you ladies, very blunt ;) it's a good thing.


But I would like to say. I'm NOT a martyr as someone had said... I am simply at my ropes end having delt with this non stop for 2 years... so I'm sorry if I am not a superwoman and I cannot deal with it. Its not like I'm doing it on puprpose.

*EDIT* I also checked my medicine cabnet and my atavan bottle is empty LOL. Go figure huh?

Jennie, I'm sorry you're going through all of this crap. Guess what the #1 stressor in a marriage is? You already know the answer. Have you made him aware of your financial situation? Not in an argumentative sort of way but in a matter-of-fact way, paper and pencil in hand? Like you did here with us ; show him "look, our disposable income is $____ and our expenses are $_______." Now, when you're not meeting your budget, and it sounds like you aren't, you need to do one of two things ; increase your income or cut back on your expenses. Now it doesn't seem that you have much leeway left to cut back on, at least not based on what you've told us here. That leaves one option. Granted, I know that this is not exactly the best of times with which to look for a more lucrative job. And it seems like your husband's disability may limit his earning potential as it is. Have you looked into some sort of SSI supplemental disability? Maybe your husband could qualify. I'm not sure but it may be worth looking in to. Have you considered finding a part-time job? Not the best scenario since you have a young child and all but it may be necessary for right now. As for that matter, has your husband considered moonlighting? If he's so hell-bent on having extra spending money then his moonlight job could provide that for him. I will say one thing for sure ; a divorce will add to, not take away from, your financial pressures. Keep that in mind as you weight your options and make your decisions.

Yeah I'm going to talk to him about applying. I'm not sure if he would qualify though because he can hold a job (and has held a job steadily for the last 10 years. Only 2 separate jobs. With no problems)

Yeah I'm trying to find a job at the moment. That's what I do online a lot is apply for jobs and I am on monster.com (a jobbing website) . (its 110* today lol and that's normal, I walk to and fromaylas school twice a day, and once I do that, I just don't have the strength to do it more lol.)

I'm also looking for more children to babysit for, which is PERFECT for me, it doesn't stress me out (the one exception was my previous family, but that was due to the mothers abusive additude and demanding/'taking advantage of' behavior towards me.)
Nor does babysitting depress me or make me manic. I love it. And now that ayla is in school it will also be easier.

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issac is logging on to MY account on the moms group and posting as me!!

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Then you need to change your passwords immediately! And make your you always actually log off when you're finished ; don't let your computer keep you signed in.

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

yeah I'm gonna talk to him about applying. I'm not sure if he would qualify though because he can hold a job (and has held a job steadily for the last 10 years. only 2 separate jobs. with no problems)

yeah I'm trying to find a job at the moment. thats what i do online a lot is apply for jobs and i am on monster.com (a jobbing website) . (its 110* today lol and thats normal, i walk to and from Ayla's school twice a day, and once i do that, i just don't have the strength to do it more lol.)

I'm also looking for more children to babysit for, which is PERFECT for me, it doesn't stress me out (the one exception was my previous family, but that was due to the mothers abusive attitude and demanding/'taking advantage of' behavior towards me.)
nor does babysitting depress me or make me manic. i love it. and now that ayla is in school it will also be easier.

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Sounds like you've got some good ides here. Even though your husband is capable of "holding down a job" he may still qualify for supplemental benefits. My first "real-world" job as a 17-yr. old teeny-bopper was working as a utility guy in a restaurant. One of my co-workers (who did the same job as me) was "mentally challenged" (or whatever the PC term for it is nowadays lol!) I'm going to guess his age at the time was 40-something. He lived with his parents, worked 30-35 hours a week, made minimum wage (which, at the time was $3.35/hr.) and still received some sort of SSI disability income. So definitely look into that.