I am 42 years old and married 14 years back and having one daughter of 13 years old. After maaried 6 years we were staying together continuisly. After that I dropped my wife and child at my native with my perents and I am working out side my country and once in four to six months I go to my native and stay around 20 to 30 days depend on the leave I get from my company. My wife and myself was having good understanding and I have given full freedom. Around four years back she got a job in my native and she got chance to mingle with gents and ladies. My wife and me was in good love and we have good sex during the vacation time and I use to satisfy her in all respect. My wife was always interested me to stay together but due to my nature work it was not possible to take my wife with me also due to my daughter study and take care my perents. My perents and she was managing together but not very good terms. Around seven months back I had been to my native for a marriage my nice. That time I find she is having some relation with one person and she use to telephone him which was her favourate number and after call she use to delete the number to avoid seeing by me. Which I could find out and she told that number is her friend one lady. So I believed my wife. Now one month before I was on vacation and this time I could catch her while talking him and she told it a friend (one married person his wife is not with him) he is having lot of problem so he had telephoned her many time and they are now good friends but do not any other way of relation. But I believe they had all type of relation and still I love her and asked her to stop this relation and she agreed. So I have not told any body else and now I have come back to job place. Some time I feel she is not wrong since I could not bring her with me so she find another man. But I am not able to sleep properly because I had that much fath on my wife. So What I should do?

The only thing you really can do is try and find a job where you can be home every night. Even if it means less income it may be worth it if you want to try and save your marriage.
Other than that you will have to let things play out the way they are going to and see where it ends up. With you being gone she can say she is not going to see anybody else but the reality is she very likely is doing whatever she wants.
You may have to face her leaving you for somebody that is there for her.

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But I am not able to sleep properly because I had that much faith on my wife. So What I should do?

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You don't trust her to stay within the boundaries of good behavior, then you must address your trust issues. Nowhere have you said she cheats on you, and I may be wrong, but as a husband, then if this fellow is a friend of hers, then he should be a friend of yours too, at least an introduction is warranted.

That would maybe give you peace of mind, and keep you from getting carried away by fear, or insecurity.

I believe she is having all type of relations with him. Now I have stopped her going for her job. So she will not so free to move out as she likes since my perents are there. Also she is afraied on the society. Even she has been chaged her mobile SIM as per my instruction. Be fank some time I feel let she have fun some body and be happy as long which is not affecting my family life. But again I believe no it is wrong. Any now onwarrds I will not keep that much trust on her which I was having before. Any way I can not stay at home since finding a job there is very difficult compared to my present job.

The problem I see is that you can force her to stay with you by cutting her off money, her job, cell phone, ability to get around. But what good is keeping a marriage that is not based on love rather force? It could drive her even further from any love she may have for you.

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Originally Posted by santimohan

I belive she is having all type of relations with him. Now I have stopped her going for her job. So she will not so free to move out as she likes since my perents are there. Also she is afraied on the society. Even she has been chaged her mobile SIM as per my instruction. Be fank some time I feel let she have fun some body and be happy as long which is not affecting my family life. But again I belive no it is wrong. Any now onwarrds I will not keep that much trust on her which I was having before. Any way I can not stay at home since finding a job there is very difficult compared to my present job.

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You stopped her from going to her job and from what I understand are keeping her prisoner in your parents house?

You let her have fun sometimes with somebody?

Controlling her isn't the answer. Talking to her and getting help in your marriage is.

It is obvious this person is from a different culture/back ground.

It is hard to advice somebody that has been brought up in different ways.

Now is the time to learn how a real marriage should be like. What love is about. It is about being with your partner, communicating, trusting, understanding.

Limiting her freedom will not necessarily help but it seems like she is willing to do anything to keep married to you.
You also if I understand right. You just think everything was done with this other person but your not sure?

Counseling is very important in this situation and would suggest you do that.

Joe

Yeah I had figured they were from another country but I hope they are (and can be) open to our advice.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

You stopped her from going to her job and from what I understand are keeping her prisoner in your parents house?

You let her have fun sometimes with somebody?

Controlling her isn't the answer. Talking to her and getting help in your marriage is.

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Stopping her job was not my own decision she also agreed. You mean let she have fun with some one some time. Even I also think in same line. But my heart is not allowing and when it become in our own life only we will come to know the reaction. One thing I am believe she will not leave me and my daughter. We talk each other and still in good terms. She admitted she has done mistake but never adimitted she had sex with him. I hope she had sex with him many time. Because this time when I was there and during our intercourse she was asking me how is my breast and other parts, is it now become big and is it sufficient for you etc?

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I hope she had sex with him many time. Because this time when I was there and during our intercourse she was asking me how is my breast and other parts, is it now become big and is it sufficient for you etc

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Okay, this may be a language barrier, but you hope she had sex with him?

You need to see a counsellor, someone that understands your culture and can help both of you through this.

Sadly I don't think we'll be much help, the cultural difference and the language barrier will probably prevent us from getting very far.

I wish you luck.

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Originally Posted by santimohan

I belive she is having all type of relations with him. Now I have stopped her going for her job. So she will not so free to move out as she likes since my perents are there. Also she is afraied on the society. Even she has been chaged her mobile SIM as per my instruction. Be fank some time I feel let she have fun some body and be happy as long which is not affecting my family life. But again I belive no it is wrong. Any now onwarrds I will not keep that much trust on her which I was having before. Any way I can not stay at home since finding a job there is very difficult compared to my present job.

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You have a very generous heart. I believe that because you have felt that it would be OK for her to have a friend. At the same time, you are worried that this friendship will damage your marriage, and you are right. As it is now, her friendship will damage or destroy your marriage. But you would be wise to see this about yourself and know it is a strength.

As difficult as it is, NoHelp4u's idea that getting a job that lets you be at home might be the best answer. You could be forced to decide which you are going to save... your job or your marriage. I hope that this doesn't happen.

Talaniman's suggestion is very smart: as her husband, you should be introduced to her friend. She will show you what she is feeling. If she says yes, you can then meet him, look him in the eye and sense what there is between him and her. If she doesn't want you to meet him, or continues to hide phone calls, you have a serious problem and should see a marriage counselor with her. You might feel that seeing a counselor brings shame on you, but today it's the same as going to the doctor.

One of the most important things you can do while thinking through your situation is to not get angry. Your generous heart is a great strength because it makes you able to understand her, the way she sees her situation, and the same for your daughter and for your own mind. It is a mistake to only look around yourself for what you will change. Part of your generosity goes to you and looking into yourself will become a great event.

With this understanding, you can figure out the best thing to do for the whole family. Anger kills that ability. For example, she's there with your parents, but they don't have a close relationship. She has your daughter, but 13 year-old girls can be difficult. Does she have friends? Where does she get understanding and comfort? She will either get understanding and comfort from you or from somebody else. Have you been sensitive to that?

You can forbid her to see him, or to talk with him, but you can't control her feelings and needs. While you are away, you could write to her, send her things, be with her in spirit. You can listen to her more deeply when you are there with her. You can pay more attention to her than you are used to, and find out more of who she is and what she feels about things. That's what her new friend is doing. You can do it better.

If you must keep this job, you will have to insist that she bring her friend out in the open, and you will have to find ways for her to feel good about you when you are physically away. You need to grow greater trust over time, not more restrictions. For that, both you and she need to change. Your situation is uncommon, and the changes you make to fix it need to be creative.

Does this make sense?


Tao

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You don't trust her to stay within the boundaries of good behavior, then you must address your trust issues. Nowhere have you said she cheats on you, and I may be wrong, but as a husband, then if this fellow is a friend of hers, then he should be a friend of yours too, at least an introduction is warranted.

That would maybe give you peace of mind, and keep you from getting carried away by fear, or insecurity.

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She never introduced me to this fellow. Even she is having some other friends (Gents) working with her and she always introduced. For this case even she has not saved his name in her mobile and always dial the number which she rememeber. But I could find the person who is he after coming from home to my work place through finding out his land phone details from net. I understand this person approched my wife and they had coservations about their both life. His wife is not with him due some reason between them but not separated. My wife admitted that it is only time pass.

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Originally Posted by taoplr

You have a very generous heart. I believe that because you have felt that it would be OK for her to have a friend. At the same time, you are worried that this friendship will damage your marriage, and you are right. As it is now, her friendship will damage or destroy your marriage. But you would be wise to see this about yourself and know it is a strength.

As difficult as it is, NoHelp4u's idea that getting a job that lets you be at home might be the best answer. You could be forced to decide which you are going to save... your job or your marriage. I hope that this doesn't happen.

Talaniman's suggestion is very smart: as her husband, you should be introduced to her friend. She will show you what she is feeling. If she says yes, you can then meet him, look him in the eye and sense what there is between him and her. If she doesn't want you to meet him, or continues to hide phone calls, you have a serious problem and should see a marriage counselor with her. You might feel that seeing a counselor brings shame on you, but today it's the same as going to the doctor.

One of the most important things you can do while thinking through your situation is to not get angry. Your generous heart is a great strength because it makes you able to understand her, the way she sees her situation, and the same for your daughter and for your own mind. It is a mistake to only look around yourself for what you will change. Part of your generosity goes to you and looking into yourself will become a great event.

With this understanding, you can figure out the best thing to do for the whole family. Anger kills that ability. For example, she's there with your parents, but they don't have a close relationship. She has your daughter, but 13 year-old girls can be difficult. Does she have friends? Where does she get understanding and comfort? She will either get understanding and comfort from you or from somebody else. Have you been sensitive to that?

You can forbid her to see him, or to talk with him, but you can't control her feelings and needs. While you are away, you could write to her, send her things, be with her in spirit. You can listen to her more deeply when you are there with her. You can pay more attention to her than you are used to, and find out more of who she is and what she feels about things. That's what her new friend is doing. You can do it better.

If you must keep this job, you will have to insist that she bring her friend out in the open, and you will have to find ways for her to feel good about you when you are physically away. You need to grow greater trust over time, not more restrictions. For that, both you and she need to change. Your situation is uncommon, and the changes you make to fix it need to be creative.

Does this make sense?


tao

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The job she was doing was not that much income but since she was interested for a job I allowed. Now we both together decided to stop going for job and I believe now she realise what she was doing was wrong. She will not be interested to separated from me since other society and her family will not allow for the same. Offcourse this relationship is only for time pass. As you recommend I am now giving all the moral support and I told her what ever happened is happened but let us forget it, since our society does not accept this type of relationship and which will affect our life and our daughter life. I hope she will not continue. Any way I can not stay at home continuisly for another one year and after that I can plan some way to stay with her. What else I can do?

One thing to remember is if you force her then she will resent you, If you work pn building your relationship back to where it should be then you know you have a good marriage.
Another is when your marriage is healed do not make the mistake of holding the past against her,

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

One thing to remember is if you force her then she will resent you, If you work pn building your relationship back to where it should be then you know you have a good marriage.
Another is when your marriage is healed do not make the mistake of holding the past agaisnt her,

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I believe we will have a good time again. Even now we do not have any problem. Any way she may not tell all truth what she had with him, which I have to understand and support her to have good life with me. Which I will do and giving her all supports. She was not earning any good amount from her salary which was taking care only her misc. expense. Even my salary use to handle by her only and which still continuing. Thanks for your suggections.

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Originally Posted by santimohan

The job she was doing was not that much income but since she was interested for a job I allowed. Now we both together decided to stop going for job and I belive now she realise what she was doing was wrong. She will not be interested to seperated from me since other society and her family will not allow for the same. Offcourse this relationship is only for time pass. As you recommend I am now giving all the moral support and I told her what ever happend is happend but let us forget it, since our society does not accept this type of relationship and which will affect our life and our daughter life. I hope she will not continue. Any way I can not stay at home continuisly for another one year and after that I can plan some way to stay with her. What else I can do?

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You are doing the right thing by forgiving her. Communicate with her more often while you are away. Let her feel that you are close to her even if you are far away. A year will pass quickly.

Tao

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

http://www.aish.com/d/w/48964126.html

I hope this helps.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

I hope this helps.

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My parents do not know about this affair. Now she stopped going for job. She is not happy since she is not going for job even though it was not valued income for us. The affair was not fully linked with her job place but she was getting time to spent with him with out knowledge of my parents, because she can take leave from office with knowledge of my parents. Now I feel why don't allow her to go for job and have fun with the fellow as she like, with out knowledge of my parents. Her boyfriend also a married man and his wife is away like me. So definitely I believe this relationship is for sex also. My heart feeling let she have fun with her boyfriend and be happy as long as which is not affecting our family life . My wife will not ask me but she must be interested to do so. As per her now she stopped all connections with him.

Or shall I wait for her further action. I need your opinion.

I think a married couple can expect their spouse to have good clean fun, while their partner is away. Not cheat. But its something that has to be talked about and agreed upon as having sex outside the marriage is not only disloyal, but distracts from the marriage, and the building of a life together.

If your okay with this kind of behavior, Then let her have all the boyfriends she needs while your gone. What bothers me most is you expecting your parents to keep tabs on her when your away, like a watchdog.

You two really need to talk, and why can't she be with you, as you work so far away for so long.

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Originally Posted by santimohan

My parents do not know about this affair. Now she stopped going for job. She is not happy since she is not going for job even though it was not valued income for us. The affair was not fully linked with her job place but she was getting time to spent with him with out knowledge of my parents, because she can take leave from office with knowledge of my parents. Now I feel why don't allow her to go for job and have fun with the fellow as she like, with out knowledge of my parents. Her boyfriend also a married man and his wife is away like me. So definitely I belive this relationship is for sex also. My heart feeling let she have fun with her boyfriend and be happy as long as which is not affecting our family life . My wife will not ask me but she must be interested to do so. As per her now she stopped all connections with him.

Or shall I wait for her further action. I need your opinion.

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You have to talk with her and come to a new understanding about your marriage. If you feel that you can live with an "open" marriage (a marriage in which both partners have permission to have romantic relations, including sex, with other people) and you believe that this will not affect your family life, this choice belongs to you.

But, be clear. This is a dangerous way to live. Most open marriages end before long. It is very hard to sustain a normal family life with the spouses seeing other people. People fall in love, or think so for a while. They get comfort from others and want more. They make mistakes and everybody finds out. They leave to be with their lover. It can be very unstable.

Some cultures permit open marriages, and they are not a problem. Some people, like you seem to be, are not threatened by their spouse having a special friend. (It seems that you are more concerned about your parents finding out, and about sustaining your family's way of life.) If you are comfortable with her having sex with this man while you are away and want to give her this "gift," and if you believe she will contain her experience and keep it private, again, this choice belongs to you and to you alone. But you should think through what will happen if she is found out.

Some questions come to mind:

• Where do you live? From your earlier posts, I understand that an open marriage arrangement is not permitted in your culture. Same for divorce: not permitted. Correct?
• You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
• Am I correct in thinking that your biggest concern is your parents finding out?
• How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
• Do you also see other women for friendship and sex? Do you expect to in the future?
• Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
• Since you discovered all of this, do you argue about it, or do you talk openly, or do you—as the man—just tell her what she can and cannot do?
• Since you found out about her affair, do you and she still play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

If she is not seeing him now, you can take your time to think through this situation and communicate with her about what you feel. Communication is the key. Let her tell you what she is experiencing and feeling, and what she needs. Listen well to her. Then make your decisions about what you can live with.You will make the best decisions when you understand both her and yourself.

Tao

Are you cheating on your wife?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Are you cheating on your wife??

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So far no.

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Originally Posted by taoplr

You have to talk with her and come to a new understanding about your marriage. If you feel that you can live with an "open" marriage (a marriage in which both partners have permission to have romantic relations, including sex, with other people) and you believe that this will not affect your family life, this choice belongs to you.

But, be clear. This is a dangerous way to live. Most open marriages end before long. It is very hard to sustain a normal family life with the spouses seeing other people. People fall in love, or think so for a while. They get comfort from others and want more. They make mistakes and everybody finds out. They leave to be with their lover. It can be very unstable.

Some cultures permit open marriages, and they are not a problem. Some people, like you seem to be, are not threatened by their spouse having a special friend. (It seems that you are more concerned about your parents finding out, and about sustaining your family's way of life.) If you are comfortable with her having sex with this man while you are away and want to give her this "gift," and if you believe she will contain her experience and keep it private, again, this choice belongs to you and to you alone. But you should think through what will happen if she is found out.

Some questions come to mind:

• Where do you live? From your earlier posts, I understand that an open marriage arrangement is not permitted in your culture. Same for divorce: not permitted. Correct?
• You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
• Am I correct in thinking that your biggest concern is your parents finding out?
• How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
• Do you also see other women for friendship and sex? Do you expect to in the future?
• Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
• Since you discovered all of this, do you argue about it, or do you talk openly, or do you—as the man—just tell her what she can and cannot do?
• Since you found out about her affair, do you and she still play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

If she is not seeing him now, you can take your time to think through this situation and communicate with her about what you feel. Communication is the key. Let her tell you what she is experiencing and feeling, and what she needs. Listen well to her. Then make your decisions about what you can live with.You will make the best decisions when you understand both her and yourself.

tao

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Our culture do not allow. But many are doing this type of relation and known to the society. I am from India. I do have any relationship with other women and do not plan for the same. My concern is she want sex and if I am there with her she does not want to go to any body. When I will be leaving and during our last sex she use to ask me what I should do tomorrow onwards and can you keep your tool with me like that. So this persons wife also away and he approached my wife with an offer of good friendship and then lead to sex. So far she is not admitted that she had sex. From her behavior I predict she had with him.

You must talk with her. You must understand her and she must understand you, especially about how you want to continue growing together. Don't assume that your prediction is correct. You might be wrong.

But, at this point, my sense is that if the situation is as you describe, you should just insist that she say goodbye to him and stop all interaction with him. No Contact. Meanwhile and afterward, be very kind and gentle with her. Make it safe and comforting for her to be closer to you.

I still have some unanswered questions:
* You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
* How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
* Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
* Do you and she play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

Please let us know the answers to these questions. It will help us help you.

Last question for today: What are you learning from all this?

Tao

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Originally Posted by taoplr

You must talk with her. You must understand her and she must understand you, especially about how you want to continue growing together. Don't assume that your prediction is correct. You might be wrong.

But, at this point, my sense is that if the situation is as you describe, you should just insist that she say goodbye to him and stop all interaction with him. No Contact. Meanwhile and afterward, be very kind and gentle with her. Make it safe and comforting for her to be closer to you.

I still have some unanswered questions:
* You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
* How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
* Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
* Do you and she play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

Please let us know the answers to these questions. It will help us help you.

Last question for today: What are you learning from all this?

Tao

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I do not feel jealousy. This relation is not aware to my daughter. My wife is basically un happy due to the relationship she had with him and which she hide to me. As per she was also likely to close the relation and by that time only I cought her. I had very carefully delt the situation and not informed to any one in my family. But I informed her mother about her relationship which my wife also not knew. We are play together with very highly romatic mood. We use to have very good sex when we together. Now a days I am very close to her and very much supportive to her. We never had a fighting in our last 14 years of our life.

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Originally Posted by santimohan

I do not feel jealousy. This relation is not aware to my daughter. My wife is basicaly un happy due to the relationship she had with him and which she hide to me. As per she was also likely to close the relation and by that time only I cought her. I had very carefully delt the situation and not informed to any one in my family. But I informed her mother about her relationship which my wife also not knew. We are play together with very highly romatic mood. We use to have very good sex when we together. Now a days I am very close to her and very much supportive to her. We never had a fighting in our last 14 years of our life.

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You told her mother? What did she say? What did she do?

From this experience, you have a good chance of making your marriage more secure and happy. You must find a way to communicate better with her while you are away. Become better at listening. Let her be free to grow. Her attraction to him was partly because it felt like she was understood and enabled to grow.

You have a good heart. Let her feel it. At the same time, don't leave any room for any more "friends" like this one.

Tao

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Originally Posted by taoplr

You told her mother? What did she say? What did she do?

From this experience, you have a good chance of making your marriage more secure and happy. You must find a way to communicate better with her while you are away. Become better at listening. Let her be free to grow. Her attraction to him was partly because it felt like she was understood and enabled to grow.

You have a good heart. Let her feel it. At the same time, don't leave any room for any more "friends" like this one.

tao

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Her mother did not tell me any thing. It was a shock and she is not believing my wife would have had sex with him. My wife want me with her to do sex regularly. Her concern is that. Even yesterday she was asking me when you will come, I need you immediately. It is very difficult to stay with out me. Any way I can not go there now.

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Originally Posted by santimohan

Her mother did not tell me any thing. It was a shock and she is not believing my wife would have had sex with him. My wife want me with her to do sex regularly. Her concern is that. Even yesterday she was asking me when you will come, I need you immediately. It is very difficult to stay with out me. Any way I can not go there now.

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I now get the impression that this might have been a problem for a long time. So, some more questions:

• Has her sexual need been a source of trouble for you and her before?
• For how long are you away each time you work?
• For how much longer will you work away from home?
• When you are home, is your sex life with her good? Good enough for her? Good enough for you?
• How often do you have sex with her when you are home?
• What is her age? Your age?

Your answers will determine how I advise you. Also:

• Her mother might not have said anything to you, but will she tell your parents, or tell someone else who will tell your parents? What will happen when your parents find out?

I don't want to ask you too many questions, but to help I need to understand your situation. This problem is similar to the one that people in the military have: They go away and leave their families for long periods. The wives who stay at home have networks of friends and family who support them in staying faithful to their husbands. I am sure that it's not perfect, but they somehow deal with it. (I invite any reader who has experience with this to join in this conversation.) Fortunately, you don't go away for such a long time as military people.

• Last questions for now: How far away is your work? In what city/country is your home? Your work?

There is a solution to your problem. Let's find it.

Tao

I use to be with her every 6 months for 20 to 30 days depend on the leave sanctioned by company. I am 44 years and she is 36 years old. She in India and I am presently in U.A.E. My company do not provide family accommodation to bring her. When I am there almost all days we will have except the her period days. We really have good sex when we stay together and we enjoy as much as possible. She never wants to discuss much about the relationship with her boyfriend. When I ask something she use to say, that chapter is closed and let us forget it. Her mother will not tell to my parents or to any body else since the mistake is done by her daughter. My problem is I can not keep my wife with me continuously. There are many reasons, my daughter is studying in high school, my perents needs some one's help there and I have some properties there which has to be taken care by some one. So if she is there at least I can consider some one is there. Please let me have an advice from all of you.

The time apart is very hard on you both, and you both suffer as a result. Its tough I know, and will be until you can be together a lot more. Try reading from these sites about Long distance relationships and it may give you some tips and insight.

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Many times even the most dedicated and mature couples have the same problem with the distance between them. It helps to put the past behind you and work on bonding better through communications, but I seriously suspect your wife needs to be happy having good clean fun, and having her own life, and activities, and hobbies, without you.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

The time apart is very hard on you both, and you both suffer as a result. Its tough I know, and will be until you can be together a lot more. Try reading from these sites about Long distance relationships and it may give you some tips and insight.

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Many times even the most dedicated and mature couples have the same problem with the distance between them. It helps to put the past behind you and work on bonding better thru communications, but I seriously suspect your wife needs to be happy having good clean fun, and having her own life, and activities, and hobbies, without you.

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You mean let she me allow her to continue to have fun with her boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by santimohan

I use to be with her every 6 months for 20 to 30 days depend on the leave santioned by company. I am 44 years and she is 36 years old. she in India and I am presently in U.A.E. My company do not provide family accommodation to bring her. When I am there almost all days we will have except the her period days. We really have good sex when we stay together and we enjoy as much as possible. She never wants to discuss much about the relationship with her boyfriend. When I ask some thing she use to say, that chapter is closed and let us forget it. Her mother will not tell to my parents or to any body else since the mistake is done by her daughter. My problem is I can not keep my wife with me continuously. There are many reasons, my daughter is studing in high school, my perents needs some one's help there and I have some properties there which has to be taken care by some one. So if she is there atleast I can consider some one is there. Please let me have an advice from all of you.

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Thank you, Santimohan, for these answers. One question you did not address is, For how much longer will you work away from home? Years? Months? Your answer will determine whether a solution needs to be long-term or short-term. Once you find a way to be home most of the time, you will have solved this problem.

Now I can see that she can't come with you: your parents, daughter, and properties all need her attention. If you are going to continue this work arrangement in the UAE for a long time, you need to create a sustainable arrangement that focuses her attention for years at a time. From what you say, your relationship is good when you are home, so the solution is not in changing your behavior or the interactions between you and her. But part of the solution rests in the agreements you have with her about what she does while you are away.

I agree with Talaniman, that "your wife needs to be happy having good clean fun, and having her own life, and activities, and hobbies, without you." I don't know how much freedom she has to choose what she does—this is a cultural issue—but being busy with her true interests can help. If she only does what she is obligated to do day after day, and only has permission to entertain herself with meaningless things, one can expect her mind to wander. It doesn't have to wander far to find someone interested in sex. If she feels resentment because she is putting in a lot of time helping your parents, but not getting along with them, plus raising your daughter, she will want an escape. Sex is always an easy escape.

So, what interests her? Did she like her last job, or was it just work? Does she dream of doing something that she has not been able to do? Does your culture permit her to explore jobs or businesses or arts that attract her, or, is she restricted from making this sort of decision? Most important, since you are her husband, do you support her in finding an artistic or work path that will fulfill her in ways that she has not yet experienced?

Ideally, she will be busy with activities that are important to her, spiritually and mentally engaging for her, and physically healthy for her. Although the experience she had with her job led her to meet the man who became her boyfriend, interacting with other men and women in a work setting can be good for her.

She has to grow. If you are going to be away for six months at a time, she has to become good at being around men without seeking comfort from any of them. She has to keep her loneliness private, and keep herself for you. Every working person who is married experiences something of this. It is an essential discipline. To be faithful to you over these long intervals, while losing nothing meaningful for her own needs, she has to become more powerful as a human being.

You have to grow, too. It is not easy to let go of one's spouse and wholeheartedly give the freedom to change without feeling fear, loss of control (In reality, control of another person is an illusion), and insecurity. You might come home to find a new person whom you don't know any more, and feel the challenge of learning who she is. It could be confusing and it could be wonderful and exciting, but you can't know in advance.

If you see the wisdom in this, and the irony—that one way to get her to be faithful to you is to take the risk of giving her more freedom—then your conversations with her will be gentle explorations of her dreams. If you think, on the other hand, that imposing tighter restrictions on her is the answer, then your conversations will be about that.

After reading all the above, what are your thoughts?


Tao

After reading I am still in confusion what to do. I will wait and see. You are telling to give more freedom which I had given to her, but she had an affair to some one, who is not known to me or not working with her. Still I am not putting any restrictions. As you told she need some one who understand her and speak nicely in my absence.

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Originally Posted by santimohan

After reading I am still in confusion what to do. I will wait and see. You are telling to give more freedom which I had given to her, but she had an affair to some one, who is not known to me or not working with her. Still I am not putting any restrictions. As you told she need some one who understand her and speak nicely in my absence.

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I am sorry. I have not been clear.

I am not telling you to give her more freedom to have an affair. I am saying that you need to help her grow. If you are going to be away from her for six months each time, she has to do things that mature and develop her while you are away. Tell me, please, if those words, "mature" and "develop" make sense to you.

Along with doing what she has to do—helping your parents, taking care of your daughter, and so on—she has to also be busy doing things that she wants to do. These are activities that attract her, that are good for her, that make her more mentally and spiritually full. If she does those things, she will grow inside. If she grows, and you are her partner in that, she can feel close to you when you are away. Does that make sense?

You can't restrict her into being faithful. Nobody succeeds at that. But you can give her your permission and support to learn new things: school, arts, a new job, whatever deeply interests her. That's what I mean by being her "partner" in growing.

You are not angry about her affair, and you are not jealous. That puts you in a good position to create a solution with her that works. You should be the one she comes to for strength, the person she thinks about when she is troubled. You are this person when you ask her what she dreams of becoming, you listen to what she says, you understand what she says, and you support her in becoming that. Then, while you are far away working, you will be close to her.

If this tells you what to do, good. If not, let me know and I will try another way.

Tao

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Originally Posted by taoplr

I am sorry. I have not been clear.

I am not telling you to give her more freedom to have an affair. I am saying that you need to help her grow. If you are going to be away from her for six months each time, she has to do things that mature and develop her while you are away. Tell me, please, if those words, "mature" and "develop" make sense to you.

Along with doing what she has to do—helping your parents, taking care of your daughter, and so on—she has to also be busy doing things that she wants to do. These are activities that attract her, that are good for her, that make her more mentally and spiritually full. If she does those things, she will grow inside. If she grows, and you are her partner in that, she can feel close to you when you are away. Does that make sense?

You can't restrict her into being faithful. Nobody succeeds at that. But you can give her your permission and support to learn new things: school, arts, a new job, whatever deeply interests her. That's what I mean by being her "partner" in growing.

You are not angry about her affair, and you are not jealous. That puts you in a good position to create a solution with her that works. You should be the one she comes to for strength, the person she thinks about when she is troubled. You are this person when you ask her what she dreams of becoming, you listen to what she says, you understand what she says, and you support her in becoming that. Then, while you are far away working, you will be close to her.

If this tells you what to do, good. If not, let me know and I will try another way.

tao

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Latest developments.

My wife has come out with her boyfriend details which is the same person I had the information. Also now my parents also knew about it through some body. Now my wife is not going for job. Still I feel she is having contact with him which she may not able to avoid him so quickly as this relation was going since a long time. Now I do not want to restrict her. Also I stopped talking about this subject with her. Now I think she is not going for job and her boyfriend is not able to meet her freely, so he is coming near to my house and they meet by hiding my parents but some body has seen and they informed my parents. Now my parents are restricting her to go out for long time but they are not telling any thing to me. They think I do not knew about this and I should not get tense. What is your suggestion? What I should do to overcome the situation? Still I have good relation with my wife.

Basically you give her a him or me ultimatium and if she continues seeing him then that is the decision she made in the ultimatium.
Sounds like she should just come clean and tell you that she has chosen him over you

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Originally Posted by santimohan

Latest developments.

My wife has come out with her boyfriend details which is the same person I had the information. Also now my parents also knew about it through some body. Now my wife is not going for job. Still I feel she is having contact with him which she may not able to avoid him so quickly as this relation was going since a long time. Now I do not want to restrict her. Also I stopped talking about this subject with her. Now I think she is not going for job and her boyfriend is not able to meet her freely, so he is coming near to my house and they meet by hiding my parents but some body has seen and they informed my parents. Now my parents are restricting her to go out for long time but they are not telling any thing to me. They think I do not knew about this and I should not get tense. What is your suggestion? What I should do to overcome the situation? Still I have good relation with my wife.

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When will you be home again?

I have suggested that you help her grow. But you haven't told me if you understand that and can do that.

If you still have a good relationship with her explain to her that she must stop seeing this man and look into herself.


Tao

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Originally Posted by taoplr

When will you be home again?

I have suggested that you help her grow. But you haven't told me if you understand that and can do that.

If you still have a good relationship with her explain to her that she must stop seeing this man and look into herself.


tao

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I will go home after 4 months. I have already explained and she has accepted that she will not continue the friendship. Recently she has sent me mail stating the details of the person which I had asked before and that time was not informed to me but I was knowing the fellow which I checked with telephone department through his telephone number. I know this person but do not knew any details. She is not meeting him but he must be trying to meet her and she may not be able to avoid him. Since they had a relation and she may be in fear that, this person may tell some body else about their relation. But my wife says they do not have any relation now. She has informed about the details only because she felt it should inform to me. My relationship with my wife is still good. I talk to her daily two times and sending mails daily. I have fear my parents will trouble her and she should not do something. Her last statement is "she never had any bad relation with him and if I do not belive she is ready to leave me". I said I am fully believe you and I do not want to leave you. I am always giving moral support and I do not want loose her even she keep the relation with him. I love that much her.

I think its time for you to find a daily job, in which you work during the day and are home at night (or the other way around, which ever you like better)

She may NOT be cheating on you. However, she DOES need you home. A woman needs her husband around to help keep her together, and keep her on the right track. Not to restrict her, or take freedoms away, but to guide, and nurture, and protect. Keeping a wife out of mischief IS a type of protection. And it's a huge responsibility on a man. But it must be done.

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Originally Posted by santimohan

I will go home after 4 months. I have already explained and she has accepted that she will not continue the friendship. Recently she has sent me mail stating the details of the person which I had asked before and that time was not informed to me but I was knowing the fellow which I checked with telephone department through his telephone number. I know this person but do not knew any details. She is not meeting him but he must be trying to meet her and she may not be able to avoid him. Since they had a relation and she may be in fear that, this person may tell some body else about their relation. But my wife says they do not have any relation now. She has informed about the details only because she felt it should inform to me. My relationship with my wife is still good. I talk to her daily two times and sending mails daily. I have fear my parents will trouble her and she should not do some thing. Her last statement is "she never had any bad relation with him and if I do not belive she is ready to leave me". I said I am fully belive you and I do not want to leave you. I am always giving moral support and I do not want loose her even she keep the relation with him. I love that much her.

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So you love her very deeply. Keep talking with her every day as you are doing. Make sure that you listen to her well and understand her. One big reason for her to have a friendship with this man might be that she felt that she had no one to talk with who understood her. Maybe you understand her, but she might not know it. And maybe you think you understand her, but you could understand her better. I think you are doing a good job of communicating, but maybe it could be better.

If he is trying to meet her and she is having trouble avoiding him, is there someone at home who can talk to him? To tell him to stop? Since he is married, he doesn't want anyone to call him at his home and tell him to stop, as his family can find out. Maybe you can use that.

As long as you are away six months at a time, this will be a problem. You will have to manage it even if you are not there. Please re-read the advice I have given you about helping her grow as a person—not as a woman or as your wife, but just as a human being. If she is growing, and you are a source of her growth, she might be grateful enough to stay faithful to you.

Tao