I have been seeing a married man for over a year. It started purely sexual but now I have developed love for him.

He has been with his wife for 10yrs, marries one year and the whole time he has been with her he has cheated on her (not making justifactions for my actions)

I am very happy with our situation. I see him once a week, we have a great time and then he goes home. I do not want to take him away from his wife. I know he loves her very much. I know I will never be her an to be honest, I don't want it.

I like the safety of him because I know it can never be anything more than what it is now and right now, its great. I love the time alone. A single man would demand more of my time and I don't want to give any more up
.
Am I horrible for doing this? I try to justify it by thinking, that I'm not the married one, its his marriage, but for selfish reasons, it suirs me perfectly. I love my lifa and am vry happy with every aspect of it.. is that wrong?

suirs= suits

Well, you're living a lie aren't you?

Of course it's not OK. He's a serial cheater and the very fact that you're having a relationship with him, makes you complicit in it. He's a cheater and so are you.

Clearly you have little sense of self worth and integrity if you get your sense of completeness in life by relating to men who cheat on their wives.

I'm sure the current arrangement is convenient and easy for you both because you can live in denial and neither of you have to deal with your incapacity to commit and to be honest with yourselves.

Ask yourself this one question - if you are SO happy with your situation, why do you need to write into this forum to get the opinion of others?

Yes you are horrible,

You are thinking of your convenience.
What about his wife and the lie you are causing her to live. Sure he may be a serial cheater but it doesn't make you any less guilty

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Well, you're living a lie aren't you?


Ask yourself this one question - if you are SO happy with your situation, why do you need to write into this forum to get the opinion of others?

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The reason I asked this question is because up until this point I had not reallt thought about it. Not until a married friend of mine and I had an argument about it.. I had no feelings on the matter so was looking for other opinions.

As I can see, people here are pretty narrow minded.

I don't know his wife, I don't want to know his wife, Yes he has been cheatin on her for 10years and mostly with prostitutes. If anything, him seeing me is a lot better than that. He has moved up in the world. No longer is his money wasted, he can now buy his wife more.

The relationship I have with him is the most honest I've ever experienced. He tells me about his sex addiction, and I can talk to him about anything. He doesn't lie to me, he tell sme he loves his wife very much and I try and help him with some of the problems they have. Hell at the moment I helping him learn his wife menstrual cycle so they can start having babies..

Im not being selfish. Im not forcing his wife to live a lie. He is. He doesn't love me, I know this and Im happy with this. It sounds like you people are making me out to be the .

Never under any circumstances do you ever have an affair with a married man it makes you just as bed as him and makes you a homewreker

No you are not forcing his wife to live a lie you are the accessory.
No he doesn't love his wife or he wouldn't be having her live a lie.

No we are not narrow minded. We know what it is like to live a lie by a cheating husband.

You can see it any way you want but the wife should have the option of being with a cheating husband rather than living a lie believing he is being faithful.

You can justify it all you want by saying he has 'moved up' but he hasn't moved anywhere that his wife would be happy with.

Sorry, not narrow minded, you asked a question, so he cheats, that does not mean it is right, Now does it mean that you are not helping destroy his family.

What if you get pregnant, what if he brings some STD back to you.

Why don't you want to know her? You should know the women who you share the sex with.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Meow420

the reason i asked this question is beacuse up until this point i had not reallt thought about it. Not until a married friend of mine and i had an arguement about it.. I had no feelings on the matter so was looking for other opinions.

As i can see, ppl here are pretty narrow minded.

I dont know his wife, i dont want to know his wife, Yes he has been cheatin on her for 10years and mostly with prostitutes. If anything, him seeing me is alot better than that. He has moved up in the world. No longer is his money wasted, he can now buy his wife more.

The relationship i have with him is the most honest ive ever experienced. He tells me about his sex addiction, and i can talk to him about anything. He doesnt lie to me, he tell sme he loves his wife very much and i try and help him with some of the problems they have. Hell at the moment i helping him learn his wife menstrual cycle so they can start having babies..

Im not being selfish. Im not forcing his wife to live a lie. He is. He dosnt love me, i know this and Im happy with this. it sounds like u people are makin me out to be the .

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hhow do you know he is not lying to you he is a cheater and a sex addict yeah that makes hhim real honest... you know what the honorable thing to do here is tell her... she doesn't deserve this

Quote:

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

No you are not forcing his wife to live a lie you are the accessory.




You can see it any way you want but the wife should have the option of being with a cheating husband rather than living a lie believing he is being faithful.

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I agree with that and I have told him. He should give his wife the choice. Ive said, wouldn't it be better to be completely honest with her. But he won't. I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that. Honesty is the best policy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

sorry, not narrow minded, you asked a question, so he cheats, that does not mean it is right,. now does it mean that you are not helping destroy his family.

What if you get pregnant, what if he brings some STD back to you.

Why don't you want to know her ?? you should know the women who you share the sex with.

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I always practise safe sex so no chance of pregancy or stds. And if by freak accident I did fall pregnant I would not have the baby. I do not want a complicated life and I certainly would not want to put the Man in a terrible situation.
I don't want to know her because firstly, she lives 3hrs from me and I have no need to throw myself in her face.

You people just don't get me.. Im not a bad person, I've just fallen for someone that isn't available. I do take his wife's feelings into considerstaion. I don't want him to get busted because then she will be the one hurt.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nitelight198073

hhow do you know he is not lying to you he is a cheater and a sex addict yeah that makes hhim real honest...you know what the honorable thing to do here is tell her... she doesnt deserve this

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Just because someone is a sex addict DOES NOT mean they are a liar. I am a sex addict also and I'm not a liar.
He has no reason to lie to me. It is what it is.

I could never tell her. That would be cruel. Especially coming from someone she doesn't know like me.

If there were no other women, there would be no cheating husbands.

I don't really care what you do but you asked. The people here don't condone what you're doing and you admitted that you didn't even think about it before a married friend had an argument with you about it.

It's about morality and people's ideas of it. You asked what people here thought. If it offends someone's sense of morality, they're against it.

I wouldn't like to be with a serial cheater because he's a liar and a sleaze and probably a sex addict. And you are complicit in his actions. You might want to say you're not, but you are.

Lots of things "work" for people that are not necessarily right. And it's a person's sense of right or wrong that keeps them from doing it. Others shrug off the implications and think, "Works for me!" all else be damned.

If you're in the latter group just accept it but don't come here asking emotionally charged questions about things that people have strong feelings about expecting everyone to say "Awww, that's okay honey....whatever floats your boat."

Because that's not going to happen.

You asked. We answered. If you can't accept both answers, don't ask the questions.

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Originally Posted by susangpyp

If there were no other women, there would be no cheating husbands.

I don't really care what you do but you asked. The people here don't condone what you're doing and you admitted that you didn't even think about it before a married friend had an argument with you about it.

It's about morality and people's ideas of it. you asked what people here thought. If it offends someone's sense of morality, they're against it.

I wouldn't like to be with a serial cheater because he's a liar and a sleaze and probably a sex addict. And you are complicit in his actions. You might want to say you're not, but you are.

Lots of things "work" for people that are not necessarily right. And it's a person's sense of right or wrong that keeps them from doing it. Others shrug off the implications and think, "Works for me!" all else be damned.

If you're in the latter group just accept it but don't come here asking emotionally charged questions about things that people have strong feelings about expecting everyone to say "Awww, that's okay honey....whatever floats your boat."

Because that's not going to happen.

You asked. We answered. If you can't accept both answers, don't ask the questions.

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Well thanks for your answers. I wasn't looking for people to pat my back and say well done. Just looking for other views and opinions on the subject.

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Originally Posted by Meow420

well thanks for your answers. i wasnt looking for people to pat my back and say well done. just looking for other views and opinions on the subject.

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Well you got them but you didn't like them. I think the opinions of people here are pretty much the majority of people.

I love how this question has got people angry and giving reactions, whereas the question I really wanted answered only one person has commented...

I'm sorry to all the wives out there that had cheating partners. But let me just say this, I never NEVER went out looking for a married man... he came looking for me. I didn't choose to fall in love. So I'm sorry to all those that have husbands that have done this to them, its not a nice thing at all. Thank you all for your responses.

And in the end, you can expect someone that is cheating on his wife to also have another lady or one sometimes he is cheating on your with, but as long as you don't care, know you are only getting the left over seconds then you have what you have.

I would just think most people would have more self respect for thierself

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Meow420

i love how this question has got people angry and giving reactions, whereas the question i really wanted answered only one person has commented....

im sorry to all the wives out there that had cheating partners. But let me just say this, i never NEVER went out looking for a married man... he came looking for me. I didnt choose to fall in love. So im sorry to all those that have husbands that have done this to them, its not a nice thing at all. Thank u all for ur responses.

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You asked two questions: am I horrible? I believe someone said you were.

You asked: Is this wrong? I believe a lot of people said yes.

This isn't about the people here. YOU asked the two questions. You got answers you didn't like and now you want to justify what you're doing and blaming the responses on people who have had cheating spouses. This is not about the people here. This is about you. You're the one who asked the questions. You're the one who is engaging in this behavior that many here find reprehensible. I have NO clue what it is you really wanted to hear. It really wasn't opinions.

You're not ready to understand and I don't think you really wanted answers to your questions. I'm not sure what you wanted but you didn't really want answers to your questions.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

And in the end, you can expect someone that is cheating on his wife to also have another lady or one sometimes he is cheating on your with, but as long as you don't care, know you are only getting the left over seconds then you have what you have.

I would just think most people would have more self respect for thierself

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I do have self respect.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by susangpyp

You asked two questions: am I horrible? I believe someone said you were.

You asked: Is this wrong? I believe a lot of people said yes.

This isn't about the people here. YOU asked the two questions. You got answers you didn't like and now you want to justify what you're doing and blaming the responses on people who have had cheating spouses. This is not about the people here. This is about you. You're the one who asked the questions. You're the one who is engaging in this behavior that many here find reprehensible. I have NO clue what it is you really wanted to hear. It really wasn't opinions.

You're not ready to understand and I don't think you really wanted answers to your questions. I'm not sure what you wanted but you didn't really want answers to your questions.

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Sorry, what I meant was, I've put 2 questions on this site.. this question about the married man situation and also a separate question in a different area regarding addiction.

Yes I asked the question here - am I horrible? You have all answered yes, I accept that answer.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Meow420

sorry, what i meant was, ive put 2 questions on this site.. this question about the married man situation and also a seperate question in a different area regarding addiction.

Yes i asked the question here - am i horrible? You have all answered yes, i accept that answer.

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I think you're questioning yourself which is good. As I suggested in the other thread, go to an SLAA meeting or go to their website.

I think you're searching for answers and many times people automatically get defensive when they first start asking questions and get answers they don't like.

I think you're trying to break through your denial and that's a good thing. I suggest you read the literature on sexual addiction.

Keep looking for the answers. They are out there. People can and do recover from sexual addiction.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by susangpyp

I think you're questioning yourself which is good. As I suggested in the other thread, go to an SLAA meeting or go to their website.

I think you're searching for answers and many times people automatically get defensive when they first start asking questions and get answers they don't like.

I think you're trying to break through your denial and that's a good thing. I suggest you read the literature on sexual addiction.

Keep looking for the answers. They are out there. People can and do recover from sexual addiction.

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People get defensive? And can you blame me? All you people are seeing of me is a tiny few sentences, trying to condense my whole life story in and ask a question, only to be hated. I know everyone is soming from different places and different angles. Mayb I was looking for someone else out there that had experiences in this or something., still not to condone or justify my actions, but at least to know I wasn't alone in my way of thinking. As I have discovered, I am alone and that's OK...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Meow420

the reason I asked this question is because up until this point I had not reallt thought about it. Not until a married friend of mine and I had an argument about it.. I had no feelings on the matter so was looking for other opinions.

As I can see, people here are pretty narrow minded.

I don't know his wife, I don't want to know his wife, Yes he has been cheatin on her for 10years and mostly with prostitutes. If anything, him seeing me is a lot better than that. He has moved up in the world. No longer is his money wasted, he can now buy his wife more.

The relationship I have with him is the most honest I've ever experienced. He tells me about his sex addiction, and I can talk to him about anything. He doesn't lie to me, he tell sme he loves his wife very much and I try and help him with some of the problems they have. Hell at the moment I helping him learn his wife menstrual cycle so they can start having babies..

Im not being selfish. Im not forcing his wife to live a lie. He is. He doesn't love me, I know this and Im happy with this. It sounds like you people are making me out to be the .

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Don't be deceived. The posters are not being narrow minded. This is about them reminding you that you are living a life where you are not being honest with yourselves - either of you.

What strange world of fanatsy do you live in?

He loves his wife and he's cheating with you?
He's trying for a baby but he's cheating with you?
He's got a sex addiction and he's trying for a child?
You're happy because he's moved up in the world to screwing you and it saves his wife the cost of him going to prostitutes?

Quote:

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I never NEVER went out looking for a married man... he came looking for me. I didn't choose to fall in love.

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Please do not be offended, but what you describe is not love. Love is about honesty, loyalty, kindness, connection and respect (to name a few). And, of course it was your choice - whose choice was it if it was not yours?

At the very least, take some responsibility.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Meow420

people get defensive?? and can u blame me? All you people are seein of me is a tiny few sentences, tryin to condense my whole life story in and ask a question, only to be hated. I know everyone is soming from different places and different angles. Mayb i was lookin for someone else out there that had experiences in this or something.,,still not to condone or justify my actions, but at least to know i wasnt alone in my way of thinkin. As i have discovered, i am alone and thats ok...

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No one hates you. People here don't like what you are doing because it offends their sense of right and wrong. For most people (not just here but anywhere) having an affair is WRONG and thank God for that. Marriage is hard enough without infidelity. So that "moral stance" is a good one for most people.

What you are doing goes against the grain of most people. You asked about a VERY unpopular thing so you should have expected some pushback. If you did not then you don't have a lot of insight.

I think you are a sex addict looking for answers. Go to the SLAA website (I posted the link in the other thread) and find people who can help you.

But if you just want an opinion poll, be prepared for all answers. And if you ask a question about an unpopular life choice, expect to hear from people who feel strongly about it.

It's a GOOD thing that most people find infidelity to be wrong. A good moral compass is important in life and infidelity is just not a good thing where you are the cheater or the person helping the cheater cheat and it's never ever going to be a popular choice. And thank goodness for that.

If we all scratched every itch we had, this would be a sad sad world.

I am taking resposibility. If I had no "good" side why would I be questioning my actions...

I come from a place where married men cheat on their wives everyday. Having sex with some one who is not their wife, DOES not take away the love they have for her .(this is not my defense, this is just a statement) sex is sex and love is love.. two different entities... but that is just my opinion.

I have looked at that website thank u

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Meow420

i am taking resposibility. if i had no "good" side why would i be questioning my actions...

I come from a place where married men cheat on their wives everyday. Havin sex with some one who is not their wife, DOES not take away the love they have for her .(this is not my defense, this is just a statement) sex is sex and love is love.. two different entities... but tht is just my opinion.

I have looked at that website thank u

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I don't expect you to understand this but love is an action. It's what you do and not what you say and if you're boinking someone not your wife that is not a loving action. There is no separation of love and sex in healthy relationships. If you want to be healthy, that whole mindset and all the rationales that go with it has to be changed.

Putting morality aside for a moment,isn't there any part of you that wants something more? That deserves something more from a relationship?

If he were single and wanted to be in an exclusive relationship,can you honestly say you would not want that?

You can have independence and solitude and still be in a committed relationship.

You never feel that you are cheating yourself?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by artlady

Putting morality aside for a moment,isn't there any part of you that wants something more? That deserves something more from a relationship?

If he were single and wanted to be in an exclusive relationship,can you honestly say you would not want that?

You can have independence and solitude and still be in a committed relationship.

You never feel that you are cheating yourself?

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Ive been beaten and battered by men in the past. I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship to be honest. But with him, (regardless of what you all have said) I do get treated well, with respect, with honesty. My answer would be no... I don't think I am cheatin myself.

If he were single, it would never work. (he and I have discussed this) As a single man he would want more of me than I am ready to give.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Meow420

i am taking resposibility. if i had no "good" side why would i be questioning my actions...

I come from a place where married men cheat on their wives everyday. Havin sex with some one who is not their wife, DOES not take away the love they have for her .(this is not my defense, this is just a statement) sex is sex and love is love.. two different entities... but tht is just my opinion.

I have looked at that website thank u

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Sex without love in a relationship is like food without the taste, a flower without the scent, the sun without warmth. It is incomplete.

Love and sex are not separate entities in a relationship.

Imagine, if you can, a relationship where you can have both. Imagine a relationship where you don't have to worry about your partner cheating, where you can achieve intimacy because of the trust and connection that you've created because you love each other and you choose to remain faithful to each other. Imagine the strength that this gives you both individually and as a couple.

You may well come from a place where married men regularly cheat on their wives and this is accepted behavior - but is this the life and the relationship that you truly want for yourself?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Sex without love in a relationship is like food without the taste, a flower without the scent, the sun without warmth. It is incomplete.


You may well come from a place where married men regularly cheat on their wives and this is accepted behavior - but is this the life and the relationship that you truly want for yourself?

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I just want a happy life... that is what I want for myself

Quote:

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Ive been beaten and battered by men in the past. I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship to be honest.

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And my dear you still don't.

It sounds like you are settling because a part of you is not an independent woman who doesn't need anyone.

Do you think you choose unavailable men as a defense mechanism?
Kind of an "I can't get too close so I can't get too hurt" mind set.

I think you are afraid and that is why you have opted for this safe relationship.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by artlady

And my dear you still don't.

It sounds like you are settling because a part of you is not an independent woman who doesn't need anyone.

Do you think you choose unavailable men as a defense mechanism?
Kind of an "I can't get too close so I can't get too hurt" mind set.

I think you are afraid and that is why you have opted for this safe relationship.

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This is the first married man I have ever had any kind of relationship with. I didn't seek him out because it would "suit" me.

I am a very independent person. In every aspect I guess except this... Maybe I am afraid. Im afraid that I won't be able to be as honest with other men, or as honest as I can be with him. I can tell him anything. I can tell him if I've been woth someone else and there is no jealousy. No anger.

Im not the marryin type and I'm certainly not a breeder. I don't know.
He says things to me like "you can't cage a tiger" and for some reason it reigns true in my life. I don't want to be constricted to a normal relationship. But in saying that, even though I know it could happen, I don't want to upset his wife. That was never my intention. Man this is hard..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Meow420

I just want a happy life.... that is what i want for myself

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Sorry to sound corny, but I see happiness as a journey, not a destination...

Happiness is learned and developed through the way we live now, in this present moment, how we make our life choices, how we think about and treat other people.

Strangely enough, happiness is frequently learned in tough moments, or in the face of suffering. If it is not lived out through our behavior, happiness is nothing more than a nice idea.

I truly hope that you give the responses on this post some thought - I accept that none of us live a perfect life and all of us are flawed (it is the human condition) - but we can and should try to live our lives with integrity.

In the final analysis being true to ourselves and having a 'spiritual backbone' are the elements that create the foundations for love and real happiness.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Meow420

this is the first married man i have ever had any kind of relationship with. I didnt seek him out because it would "suit" me.

I am a very independant person. In every aspect i guess except this... Maybe i am afraid. Im afraid that i wont be able to be as honest with other men, or as honest as i can be with him. I can tell him anything. I can tell him if ive been woth someone else and there is no jealousy. No anger.

Im not the marryin type and im certainly not a breeder. I dont know.
He says things to me like "you can't cage a tiger" and for some reason it reigns true in my life. I dont want to be constricted to a normal relationship. But in saying that, even tho i know it could happen, i dont want to upset his wife. That was never my intention. man this is hard..

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I'm quite sure there are other men who are capable of giving you everything he does and more ,while still respecting your need for space and solitude.

He is going to tell you anything you want to hear.He has a perfect mistress.You aren't going to call the wife and your not complicating his life.

It almost sounds like you are allowing your sex addiction to rule your life.

Have you ever sought out therapy to get to the reasons for your addiction?

There is so much more than sex.Sex without love is like cake without frosting,its good but its not mind blowing.
I think you are selling yourself short.

My answers to your 2 questions:

1. "Am I horrible"
In all honesty after reading your responses you don't seem to be a horrible person , but what your doing is. It suits you and it suits him , but don't you think it would devastate his wife if she ever found out? And just because he would do it with someone else anyway doesn't vilify you.

2. "Is it wrong"
Yes it is , you are cheating with a married man FULL STOP.

You obviously have some underlying issue's and I would suggest seeking some counseling to sort those out rather than go through the rest of your life living with the insurety of what it will throw at you next.

Good Luck!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Sorry to sound corny, but I see happiness as a journey, not a destination.........

Happiness is learned and developed through the way we live now, in this present moment, how we make our life choices, how we think about and treat other people.

Strangely enough, happiness is frequently learned in tough moments, or in the face of suffering. If it is not lived out through our behavior, happiness is nothing more than a nice idea.

I truly hope that you give the responses on this post some thought - I accept that none of us live a perfect life and all of us are flawed (it is the human condition) - but we can and should try to live our lives with integrity.

In the final analysis being true to ourselves and having a 'spiritual backbone' are the elements that create the foundations for love and real happiness.

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Had to spread the love but I think what you said is far from corny,in fact very touching ,honest and important!

[QUOTE=friend4u178;1754975]My answers to your 2 questions:

1. "Am I horrible"
In all honesty after reading your responses you don't seem to be a horrible person , but what your doing is. It suits you and it suits him , but don't you think it would devastate his wife if she ever found out? And just because he would do it with someone else anyway doesn't vilify you.

2. "Is it wrong"
Yes it is , you are cheating with a married man FULL STOP.

You obviously have some issue's and I would suggest seeking some counseling to sort those out rather than go through the rest of your life living with the insurety of what it will throw at you next.

Good Luck![/QUOTE
Thanks for your comment. Even though you said pretty much the same as a lot of other people, you did it in a nicer way. Cheers. Im looking into a counselling service in my area as we speak. Thanks

Couselling is a good idea.

Obviously you do feel guilt, otherwise you wouldn't be here, so, even though my gut says to tear you a new one, I won't.

I'm a wife, have been married for 14 years come Wednesday, have two beautiful children, my husband has never cheated on me, because he loves me.

If he did, I'd not only kick his sorry arse out the door but I'd want to meet the woman that destroyed my marriage, everything I worked so hard to get and I wouldn't be very nice or understanding when I met the tramp, yes, tramp.

You say that this is just about sex, well dear, there are other men that can give you that, men without any other commitments.

Leave him. Will he still cheat on his wife, probably, he's a sex addict and doesn't have any morals, that won't change over night. But, you can choose not to be a part of this, not to destroy this marriage.

Get help, leave him, find some respect for yourself and others. Move on.

Good luck.

I just made an appointment to speak to a professional. Maybe this was the kick in the pants I needed.

And I'm not a tramp. Well at least, I don't think I am