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We just spilt 3weeks ago. Before that he was talking to a woman on the phone and she came to see him a lunch. Now there seeing each other. We still live together, he tells her he loves her and she says the same. She was with her husband until I told him now they spilt. She calls all the time texting him. Telling him he's her world. I know he still loves me, but she calls he goes running. I want my husband back how do I do that? We have 4 kids,she has 3.
Let him go, take half of everything, enjoy your children, and move on. I'm sure that's what your gut is telling you anyway. Just be glad it was only 17 years.
But its not done. We have been threw a lot and have always made it. You can't just spend 17yrs with someone and wake up and say its over. I think its just something diff. No I'm not some down on myself wife. Im sexy,she's fake. He's fake around her. They don't even know the truth about each other. So no I can't just walk away.Quote:
Originally Posted by galloways
My love take it from me I know what Im talking about. I have been in denial for so long and my situation is so similar I think its over unless he is as committed as you to salvaging the union. See my "14 and out" post for the best advice from some very caring people.
I feel your pain! My husbands girl is older,only 3yrs but still. Im sorry to hear adout your pain, its so hard when you have no clue what to do. See I don't have enougth money to make by myself. My sisters been trying. I just can't give up yet.Quote:
Originally Posted by Angrychair
You can't win someone back who doesn't want to. I always wonder how can someone be married for years and just leave their partner at a drop of a dime.
Your husband isn't just having an affair but is having a relationship with another woman. A woman that he talks to constantly and have fallen for.
I feel sorry for you and it is even harder because the two of you are living under the same roof. That needs to change soon rather than later.
However, it isn't the other woman fault but it is your husband fault because he is the one you said your vows too. Both of them are morally wrong and karma will deal with them.
You do what is right for your own sanity so you can live in peace instead of pain. It isn't your fault and no matter what do or say you can't make your husband change his way or be with you. He has made his decision over and over so now it is time for you to make one. This is no way to live.
Thank you. I know deep down your right its juat so hard to let go of your best friend! He still tells me stuff that he shouldn't, I just have to find away to move on. Thanks again.Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
Now that I face life with out my husband, best friend, father of my kids. How do I make it with out him ? Together we were OK, but apart I don't make enough money to move out with my kids. So how can I do this thing I know I need to do? For me and my kids.
So how do I leave? We have 4 kids, I don't make enough to move out. I still love him and I know he loves me(tells me). He still flirts with me, talks to me about stuff. He just leaves every night for awhile to see her. Im lost I don't know what to do. Me fighting is only pushing him away. Mabe I should act like it don't bother me, then it would make him think. He keeps asking if I'm talking to anyone. Help anyone.
How are you pushing him away? Ignoring it won't make his cheating ways stop. He stepped out the marriage and found a way to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for that trick.
Do you have a fam member friend you can stay with until you get on your feet. If not, they have shelters. That could be the last result but it is something to consider.
Your husband is a dog and unless your willing to deal with him having a mistress, stay. If not, leave and take him for everything.
No I'm not willing to stand by while he has a mistress. I just have to get myself together, its hard. Thanks for your note. I need someone outside of this to talk to.Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
Your welcome! This situation is very unhealthy not only for you but your kids. Once he stepped out the marriage, and continue to do so, he just proved he doesn't care about you or his family.
I could see if he felt guilty and tried to turn his wrong into a right but it doesn't look like he is doing that.
He is lucky I am not his wife because I would have done "the waiting to exhale" rountine on him a long time ago.
I know your hurting and it's hard but staying will just continue to add fuel to the fire.
How does someone u have been with for 17yrs,leave and in less than a month in a half fall in love with some one? My husband was talking to a woman he had grown up with in his area texting fliting with.both of them. I found out they still talked so I told her husband. He put her out. My husband says were not together anymore. They start seeing each other. Now he says he s in love with her she says the same. How can u do that? I know he still loves me. Can it be real.
YEs, and no. It is all dependent upon his side of the story. He seems to have known her for a long time, and since you talked to her husband and not yours, your husband may have found that a major trust issue, or something like that. I'm not sure what his values are.
Any who, this girl he has known for a long time may have bin a love that has bin growing for longer than even your 17years. Even if it wasn't or if it was she is new and possibly exciting. They may be lusting for one another, or infatuated, or in "love" or maybe it's "True Love", or maybe they are "soul mates". Who knows.
I'll give you something that may help you , or not, you may think that what I send you is ridiculous. Either way, The information I send you seems pretty interesting and logical to me. Next post I give it to you.
True love, can be many things. Every one has their opinion, experiences, interpretation, and perceptions about it.
True, as defined at: true definition | Dictionary.com
1. being in accordance with the actual state or conditions; conforming to reality or fact; not false: a true story.
2. real; genuine; authentic: true gold; true feelings.
3. sincere; not deceitful: a true interest in someone's welfare.
4. firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast: a true friend.
Love as defined at: love definition | Dictionary.com
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
Lets say love is a firm genuine, deep affection and loyalty that is built upon a profoundly passionate faithful belief in the binding of two people's lives. Forever they will be attached in one form or another. Personally I would argue that there is also a point to which one may need to learn to let go of a love, simply because only if you truly love some one/ thing will you find the strength to let them go of your own free will. I think that is important, because it lets people know that we don't have to be together just because we "have to", but we stay together because we want to. Also some times, the one's we want to stay with, don't want to stay with us, and so we have to accept that so we can move on. There maybe "soul mates", but it's not clear as to whether we develop, and grow into such, or if it's predetermined for us. Maybe finding our soul mate has more to do with finding ourselves, and in doing so can finally attract our soul mates. Very mysterious is the world that we pretend to know.
Lust= Passion, sex drive and hormones. One night stands, or meaningless flings. (The people that do this seem to show very little self respect, and tend to "...act kinda proud with no respect for themselves." P.O.D.- Youth of the nation)
Love= Passion, sex drive, hormones, enjoy a person's company/ personality, and some respect. (Actually, I think this may be most relationships in our world. In love, but not so willing to see the difference between them self and their lover, and what their relationship really means. There are different types, levels and kinds of Love at this level. Like the women who loves her man so much even when he hits her, or when the man loves his women but she cheats on him. Then there is the couple that is relatively happy together, but don't really grow, or progress because they are too different, or a like, or just don't work well together. )
True Love= The one you will spend your life with, while there is time left to spend. You understand that you may not be together forever, but still live for the moment. You are comfortable with each other, and yourselves. Grow together, and progress in life, due to a healthy balance. When there is a split, it is on good terms, hard, painful still but good. (The "good" split is not to be confused with a careless, reckless, and respect-less split. It is not like the couple who splits and stay's friends and cheats on their new partners with the one they are splitting on good terms with. I might argue that true friends are in true love.)
Soul Mates= True Love + Forever being with your lover as your lover will forever be with you. The one you are dedicated to until death do you part. Perhaps the one you will follow into the after life, what ever it maybe. Know yourself, and you will know your soul mate.
As to whether I believe these... They are possibilities, just like anything, everything, nothing, and something else...
will everyone find love?
That is dependent, do we count the love of GOD as some believe, the Love one feels for themselves, The love of a family or friends?
Love is not all about passion and sex. It's more complicated, and it also depends where what your cultural back ground is. I some times think that is why people are so confused about love, because they feel the same feeling for some one they love as for some one they want to just have sex with. That heated passion, and so on. But love is more than that, it's about connection, and being able to be with the one you love with out invading who they are. So often people get messed up by their feelings saying, "Oh look at this new exciting prospect of adventure..." Then the morals and spiritual guidance kicks in, "This is not right, I may be attracted, but i don't know this person. It's very dangerous, STDs, rape, murder, and so on. I deserve to be treated better then a fluzy, sex toy." Then it's a perpetual war waged within the confines of your own mind. These days people seem more prone to act on basic instinct and feelings than reason, and honorable intentions. Don't get me wrong, that's just an over generalization. There are still people who do care about what happens to one another, and do seem to be happy even after just a one night stand, but not always. Haha I guess I've been hanging around too many rough necks eh? Haha, welders, mill laborers, and such.
All I've given you is just my opinion. No real evidence saying nor suggesting its true.
Peace and kindness be with you.
“If you love someone, does it mean you would be able to let them go and be happy with someone else? Even if its hard as hell for you?”- none12345
You may consider following this, Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Or it will be hard to know yourself. If you can not forgive yourself and thus let go of the past, you may only end up in situations that are too familiar and using your illusions II make things seem good when they are not. As Guns 'N' Roses play,
"Cause yesterday's got nothin' for me
Old pictures that I'll always see
Some things could be better
If we'd all just let them be..."
Forgive yourself, then you can begin to know yourself. No it is very unlikely that we will ever know our self's entirely, for it's an on going progression that lasts through out our entire being, or so it is seems that such advice is important to keep in mind. When we get to know ourselves, we get to understand the connection we have and share with others. Whether it's, a lover, friend, the vary air we breath, the food we eat, the substances we put in our bodies, and the balance between all. Like I said, how can we know our soul mate if we don't know ourselves. So, if we break up with one lover and wish to improve our ability to be in a healthy relationship, then perhaps the best way to do this is by first getting to be ourselves. That means know yourself, and you shall know Love. It can be seen as not true, but I believe that is, for the most part, if you use your illusions II make things seem other than they are. If you can not be honest with yourself, you can not be honest with others.
Love yourself, this is very hard for most, on account that we all have such high expectations for ourselves and one another. This one is very touchy and hard to deal with since it's a very powerful emotion. We tend to try and tighten our grip on it, but no matter how tight to grip it, it just runs through our hands like sand. We become addicted to Love, and in the book "The brain that changes it'self" it is compared to the drug Cocaine. While we have our love, or in my best interpretation that which seems to invoke the feeling of "Love"/"Euphoria", we are "happy". Then we start to associate things with that "Love". Should we loose that "love", we become depressed and miss that “love” dearly.
This is the complex part, we feel euphoric because the pleasure centers in the Septal region of the Limbic system is turned on. This makes us associate what we experience, good or Bad, with the feeling of pleasure. When we are "in Love", on a "manic High" (term for people who have a mental illness called Mania, or bipolar.), or if we are under the influence of cocaine; the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire is lowered, making it easier for them to turn on. "Neurons that fire together wire together." (this term implies that while the threshold of our pleasure centers is lowered, we associate what ever we do/see/think/feel/smell and generally experience with Pleasure.) Now, the pleasure center has another name, "the appetitive pleasure system" ("Appetitive: 1. An instinctive physical desire, especially one for food or drink. 2. A strong wish or urge: an appetite for learning." - Appetitive - definition of Appetitive by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.) The reason for the strong urge or instinctive physical desire is because the appetitive pleasure system is a dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire.
So now, when we separate from our "love" for too long we suffer from with drawl and the things that we associated with our "love", rather than bringing us happy feelings, they taunt us and serve as a dark reminder of the love we lost. That can change over time, but when the separation is new, it's really hard to look past the pain, and illusions we create. Generally after losing a love, the pleasure center isn't functioning the same, so they crash and begin craving their "love", get anxious, doubt themselves, lose their energy, and feel rundown if not depressed. Like the junky getting a small fix, a letter, e-mail, text message, or telephone message from our "love" gives us that old shot of energy and joy.
Relationships that are regular and routine, well the dopamine in our systems likes novelty, so we have to keep things rather fresh and new, exciting or our brains get bored. They need stimulation, and I've come to wonder if people who have relationship troubles and drink or do drugs regularly, aren't linked to this idea of new and fresh. See, when we do drugs, drink alcohol, we kill brain cells and make it hard for the brain to learn new things. That is only in relative terms though, and a whole new story.
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I may be repeating some stuff, sorry about that, but here is more to the psychological perspective on Neurological explanation of addiction/love. I'm having a hard time finding where to start for your Sexual behaviour, and how to use the porn addiction section in the book to explain it. I hope this helps.
"Ok, so we have a pleasure center located in the limbic system, a part of the brain heavily involved in processing emotion, and a Dr. Robert Heath did experiments on humans in this area. He took electrodes, the brain doesn't have feeling, and put them into the septal region of the limbic system and turned it on, the patient would then experience a powerful euphoria, so powerful that one patient pleaded with them not to stop. This same region fires up when pleasant subjects were discussed and during orgasm. These pleasure centers were found to be part of the brain's reward system, the mesolimbic dopamine system.
When the pleasure center is turned on everything we experience gives us pleasure. Cocaine lowers the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire, making it easier for them to turn on. The three reasons our pleasure center's thresholds are lowered are we do a drug like Cocaine, have a manic high (Manics, bipolar.), or we are in love.
If a person gets high on Cocaine, becomes manic, or falls in love, they enter an enthusiastic state and are optimistic about everything, because all three will lower the firing threshold for the appetitive pleasure system, the dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire. They are sensitive to anything that may give them pleasure, and are filled with hopeful anticipation. Things like nature, flowers, grass, sunshine inspire them; small but thoughtful gestures allow them to delight in all man kind. Doidge, the writer of "the brain that changes it'self", calls this process "Globalization".
Globalization allows us to take more pleasure in the world, and inhibits pain, displeasure, or aversion. Things that normally bother us, don't. We love being in love not only because it makes it easier for us to be happy but also because it makes it harder for us to be unhappy.
Globalization allows us to learn new things easier too; because when we are "in love" we are "happy, and it's harder to be unhappy, we like things we normally don't", and the dopamine helps the brain consolidate "Neuroplasticity". (plastic is the brains ability to rearrange it's neuro-connections to accommodate, the addition of information, sub traction, brain damage, "Hemisphere-ectimy" (I'm not sure how to spell it, YouTube - Brain Plasticity), and various other brain related issues.)
Freud once described the elated effects of cocaine to his fiancee, Martha, in letters. He says, he feels fearless, not fatigued, less shy, increased self esteem, no longer depressed, euphoric, enhances his energy, enthusiasm, and has an aphrodisiac effect. He was describing a state akin to "romantic intoxication". The book says in both cases, the Cocaine high, and "romantic Intoxication" may impair one's judgment. Recent fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scans of lovers looking at photos of their sweethearts show that a part of the brain with great concentrations of dopamine is activated; their brains looked like those of people on cocaine.
When separated for too long, lovers crash and experience withdrawal, crave their beloved, get anxious, doubt them selves, lose their energy, and feel run-down if not depressed. Like a little fix a letter, and e-mail, or a telephone message from the beloved provides and instant shot of energy. Should they brake up, they get depressed- the opposite of the manic high...
After a time of being with some one, the brain doesn't produce that dopamine like before, if they adapt to well to each other. Dopamine likes novelty. (From NESTORAIN: Some people might say that their spouse/partner is too dull, but really they are just addicted to the unpredictability, and excitement that comes with exploration of a new place. You can do what you'd like here, but it may be wise to try and spice it up a bit, be random some times, spontaneous, and take time away from one another so you both don't get "tired" of one another.) Dr.Doidge believes that this means their "plastic" brains have so well adapted to each other that it's harder for them to get the same buzz they once got from each other.
Dr. Doidge also suggests if this happens to inject novelty into the relationship. Try new activities together, or wear new kinds of clothing, surprise one another. Pretty much keep the brain working, entertained, and learning fresh new things." _ The brain that changes it'self by Dr. Norman Doidge M.D.
I hope that helps, I didn't quite quote the book, but I did paraphrase, and used some lines right from it. Those were just pages 113-116. There is so much more to this chapter on love, mind you it does go into details on porn addiction, sexual perversions and how they may work/happen. Very interesting, as it is the chapter on Acquiring tastes and loves. Very interesting stuff, but if you're not into that, I guess not eh!
I hope that helps. If you have more questions, I'll try to answer them later eh. Peace and kindness be withyou.
If he was out looking for someone else, he was not in "love" he was married for 17 years. No idea how many years of love there was.
How does someone u have been with for 17yrs,leave and in less than a month in a half fall in love with some one? My husband was talking to a woman he had grown up with in his area texting fliting with.both of them. I found out they still talked so I told her husband. He put her out. My husband says were not together anymore. They start seeing each other. Now he says he s in love with her she says the same. How can u do that? I know he still loves me. Can it be real.
I'd like to further say that, "Love" can be a bad thing, if not handled responsibly.
For example, You said, "My husband was talking to a woman he had grown up with in his area texting fliting with.both of them. I found out they still talked so I told her husband. He put her out. My husband says were not together anymore. They start seeing each other."
Why did you go and tell her husband? Why not talk to yours?
Your husband may have seen that as misstrusting, and then he may have thought, "So does she love me, or does she love controling me?" (He may not have thought that at all, I'm no really sure what your situation is, you kind of leave little to go by, sorry.)
There are not quick fixes. Look at it like this, if you have a steel gas tank and there is a leak, would you trust a piece of bubble gum to plug the leak, or would you take the time and put the effort in to grind out the leak, reweld it, sand it down (yes there are sanding disks, some call it a finnishing disk for grinders, and what ever.) and then take the time to repaint that area of the gas tank, then install it into your super nice car that you worked on for 17years? Then again, what you did was give the problem to some one else to deal with and it was out of your hands, but it wasn't what you wanted, eh?
Peace and kindness.
They did not love each other back then she's 3yrs older and he had a crush! And I did talk to him before I told her husband he said it would work its self out. When were togerther he filrts with me,when he's with her if we do talk he's really short. I don't see were there can be real love!Quote:
Originally Posted by Nestorian
There was love the whole time!Quote:
Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
Even now we love each other, he just says he's not in love with me. But I still see it in his eyes the way he looks at me.
I just want to know how can there be love after 17yrs and no time with the other? He's not showing her who he really is.
Your post is a bit confusing.
Did your husband leave? Is he still with you or is he with this other woman?
Can it be real? Sadly, yes, this happens more often then it should.
Sorry that you're going through this.
Good luck.
Yes, it can happen.
But it is not clear what is happening with you: is your husband still with you or did he leave ?
Good luck !
It is a bit confusing, but I think you're saying that he has been texting back and forth with a woman he's known all of his life.
You contacted the woman's husband about them texting each other, and he threw her out.
Your husband chose her over you.
I guess the plus side is you forced the issue, and he's made his choice. It is entirely possible for anybody to fall in love quickly. Harder to fall out of love with someone you've been with for 17 years.
That it has happened is a bitter pill to swallow, and I feel sorry that this has happened to you.
Threads merged, please do not start new threads for the same issue.
I've found that lovers that grow together, stay together. If they knew one another for a long time, then maybe their love was that of just friends then it became more...Quote:
Originally Posted by fawn 1
I can understand this is painful. I do wonder though, how much do you love yourself?
Peace and kindness be with you.
P.S. did you read my longer posts I know they are long and a bit hard to understand due to my not good spelling/grammer?
Your posts are always long except for this one. :-)Quote:
Originally Posted by Nestorian
Sorry this is all new to me. Lot of diff stuff going threw my head. I kind of confuse myself some times.Quote:
Originally Posted by ScottGem
We still live together, but were not together. Yes he and the other woman are dating. That's what I don't get how can u love some one and then just like that u say u love some one elas.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Fawn, I don't know why your putting yourself through this. Your husband has cheated and is still cheating with this woman so how much longer are you going stay and try to sort out his reasons behind his doggish behavior.
Staying just for the kids sake isn't no good at all and they can sense when things aren't right.
Stop trying to mend somehing that is unmendable and unfixable. If you stay with your husband in this unhealthy environment it will only lead to depression for yoi and do you really think your husband would care? No because he has his mistress.
What are you waiting for? For him to pack his bags and leave? Again, for your own sanity leave.
It's posible to love more than one person. That's one reason I think people get so confused about love. If you are with some one, then be with them. If you think you love some one else, ignore that feeling, as it is probably just your "appetitive pleasure system" giving you dopamine making you think, "I love that, I need that, I want that, etc..." This is a conditioned response to the novelty of the situation.Quote:
Originally Posted by fawn 1
If you don't love some one, then confess to them, and let them go. Other wise you are just lying.
Then again, you can simply accept he loves her, and try finding yourself again. As I imagine that must be extreamly hard, but there isn't much else you can do, is there?
Peace and kindness be with you.
I don't know about leaving that's up to you to decide, but I do agree with Liz, she has much wisedom, but you have to listen for it.Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
First, "...putting yourself through this."-Liz You are hurt, and putting energy into a relationship that is only there because you are staying there. He doesn't seem to be the man you love/loved. You don't need to punish yourself, and you are no less a person for leaving him.
His reasons are his own and he will have to live with them. You don't have to hate him, but you don't have to sit by and watch him being reckless with your heart, and more importantly, you don't be reckless with your heart. It's worth more than you think... Just like you.
If you stay for the kids, then the tention and anger, sorrow, hurt, pain, and suffering soaks into them. They sense these things and don't know what to make of them. Later in life can lead to all kinds of issues, including, sexual disfuntion, emotional irationalities, Mood disorders, and self destructing behaviour. Believe me, I know, my muther stayed with my father, and I Had to deal with most those issues. It's different for every one.
You can not change his mind, he seems to have made it up. Things will get you down sooner or later, and you really don't want that. Its self sacraficing, and that's not going to get "you" any where but down.
What ever you decide to do, make sure you do it for you. Please bare inmind that you are a person, smart, strong, independent, and capable. Don't be afraid to live your life.
Peace and kindness be with you.
I know or feel a little more each day that I have to change how I'm dealing with this. Its really hard we have been best friends for ever. Then one day she walks he follows. I need to move on for me that's what I get from every one. My little sis is one. My kids say the same, older won't do anything with him,smaller 2 will go just so they can go with there dad. Kids are 17,16,13,12. Im going to start to save so money so I can get out of the house,then it might be easy. I also help take care of his mom cause he's not there. I know I'm going on guess I just need to vent a little. Thanks for all of yalls answers. I would love to hear anything that can help me threw this mess.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nestorian
Well its done tonight was the last straw. I sent afunny little fwd and she text me from his phone. It said b... leave hin alone. I called he said it was a joke I herd her laughing in the back. So that's it I'm nobodys fool! Making plans to get my kids and money and I'm out of here! Please pray for me its going to be hard. He thinks I won't make it but he will see. Any words would help. Thank you for yalls advice.
When he came home he said he was sorry. To late its done. Im going to stay here as short of a time as I can to save up money. Then I'm out of here. Let them see what they r doing will never work. My kids r coming with me he thinks they will stay with him. WRONG! Child suport will break him I get the last laugh!
That is right, make sure that you get anything especially child support. Both of them had a lot of nerves to do what they did but most likely they were laughing behind your back all along.
I glad that you finally is doing what is right for you and kids because this situation was very unhealthy. Stay strong and prove him wrong. You can do bad by yourself.
Thank ypu for your support. I don't know how its going to be, but I told my kids we will be OK. Im going to be OK. Maybe not right now, but it will happen. Again thank you, I will let you know how things are going. Im a strong person love just kind of blinds you some times. They say a fool in love will do most anything! Guess no make that I know I do! Nomore! Im 35 I have a lot to look fwd to! Thanks your a good giver of your mind. Hope to here from you soon.Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
I wish you the best of luck to and it takes time to heal. Healing doesn't happen over night. I know when I went through a heart breaking break-up Gloria Gaynor song "I will survive" give me strength and it became my motto "I will survive". I realize I could survive anything because what don't kill you only makes you stronger.
Keep me posted and you can always come on here to vent. I hope you have friends and family to support you as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fawn 1
Has he had affairs in the past? When he came home and said he was sorry, what did that mean, that he wanted to save his marriage?
And why are you leaving, he should be the one leaving. To uproot yourself and all your children doesn't make sense to me, at least right now.
I don't want to beat a dead horse, but if he is starting to come around, some time outside the house would send a clear message and might just 'sober' him up.
I know that won't be a particularly popular idea, but, husbands (and wives) have affairs, marriages recover, people make mistakes.
Maybe it is time to think past the hurt and confusion, and be prepared for him to want to keep his marriage together. What is he prepared to do if that is the case at all.
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