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I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years, we have 5 year old. Don't feel special at all. Does not acknowledge me on valentines day, our 'anniversary' didn't on past mothers day... I know he loves me, but feel somewhat neglected? He asked me to marry him in June, did not know what to do, said yes, just sad and lonely... what do I do?
If you are unhappy then let it be known to him.
I would strongly suggest that you two get some professional counseling and fast! The mistakes you have made in the past with this relationship are in the past. If you want to go further with this guy you need help getting your unresolved issues out and taken care of before the marriage!
I just kind of posted the same question. Personally he won't change. I had the same thing with my husband 18 years ago. Never feeling special or wanted and never having special times made special. All these years later and I always wonder what's better out there. I am sick of being disappointed. I am trying to make it work but have just lost love. Its so one sided and I am sick of it. I can only say is he is what he is. Don't expect him to change.
We are going to counseling, and have been for a while now. That is the place that we communicate - can't seem to talk about feelings, etc otherwise. He is the nicest person - will do anything for anyone, but when it comes to me, I guess I'm not up there on the list. I am hoping the counseling will help our communication and help with making the correct choice... thank you for responding! I was kind of amazed that I was answered and so quickly!Quote:
Originally Posted by 450donn
I really know how you feel and I am sad that this is what happens with this type of person. When I asked that he not go out so much as he has a 'family', he did stop. Again, he is so giving to everyone - so I know he has that in him, but maybe he choices not to be like that with me. I want to be acknowledged by him, not taken for granted, and he has admitted to that, but where does it go from there? Sounds like no where I guess. We will continue counseling. I want us to be best friends - but I guess I'm not the one that is his best friend. We also work together, so maybe he has overload of me? Thanks so much for responding, this has helped...Quote:
Originally Posted by 88sunflower
Yes, and I need to voice what I am feeling and go with it. Seems like there is always a one up you when I mention something - i.e. we went to a function at his HS from years past, sat down together, but he moved and sat elsewhere. When I told him that was bothering me as I didn't know anyone... he said well I was being very short and rude to him... so,. I don't know, I have put so much time into this - and we have a daughter, but again, I am lonely I guess.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony J
Talk to him about maybe taking you on a date night, when people have been together for a long time, relatioships can sometimes start to lack Romatic aspects that it once had if its not worked on. Plan a few nights a month for a one on one date, hire a babysitter and have fun together!
The fact is, if you have any doubt, then you shouldn't marry him. You can both be wonderful parents to your child without marriage, after all, that's what you've been doing for 5 years.
Continue the counselling, then make your decision, but don't get married because of the length of time you've been together and because you have a child.
I think you need your own life that makes you happy. Then you can have something to share with your husband.
Married or single, doesn't matter, your responsible for your own happiness, not him.
I suppose we can try that - we can talk when we go out and have dinner and a bottle of wine!Quote:
Originally Posted by CallMeBel
This is true, don't need marriage to make it work, especially since it has been a trying time for me. I know how silly this sounds, but, I always wanted to get married, have the 2.5 children, blah blah blah... but doesn't really matter, I guess I have that anyway as far as the being in a relationship and raising out daughter. When he did propose, I was not ready for it and did not want it to happen that moment, of course things were rough at the time, and I felt I did indeed need to move on, so, of course he proposes and I just couldn't look and kept saying no not now... He cried and said he would make a better husband than boyfriend... I suppose I am a sucker? I love him and know he loves me, but think there is more to it?Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Seems I am so concerned about making sure everyone else is happy and feeling special... I need to work on myself first , if I don't, no one else will. I hear that a lot. Just need to do it. Not sure how I make myself feel appreciated though...Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Being good to yourself is a start, and being happy without him, and being independent of him, basically having your own life that you enjoy, then you can figure out if he is really worth sharing your happiness with.
Its an easier choice to make when you know what your about, and what you want from life, and can he help bring it, because he wants the same thing.
We all want happy life with a healthy happy companion, so love yourself enough to really see is that what he brings to the table, or a bunch of issues you don't want to deal with.
Marrying someone just to have someone, or not to be alone, seldom leads to long term happiness. But you must be able to communicate honestly with each other, to at least work together to resolve any issues, between you. See if you have those qualities, and skills, before a decision is made.
You sound like you have a broken spirit for whatever reason. It's so sad, and unnecessary. You need to get to the bottom of this before you marry anyone. Your boyfriend has his own set of problems with his lack of affection or thoughtfulness. I hope he treats his child better than how you say he treats you. When you get yourself well, and strong, you will require more than this for yourself. Seek help for YOU, and be the person your child deserves. After this, the right man will come your way because you will not accept anything less. Good luck and get help for yourself.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesgabriela
Wow, I am amazed, you all seem to know me and my relationship, or lack of relationship. So, it is true that a person can not change how they are. I am so torn. He goes to counseling with me and he participates, I asked for help with cleaning and he helps, he actually does do things with our child (plays games, video games... ), told him it would be a good idea to stop going out several times a week to the bars... and he stopped, but I ask for affection, to feel special around him, to get more than I get, to feel that I can share anything with him, and that is hard for him to hear and do. We are from such different backgrounds, and had such a different upbringing - I am lonely even though I am not alone. I am not perfect what so ever, but I make sure I am there for those people who are important in my life and I want to make sure they are treated great. Its so strange, what initially attracted me to him was how giving he was to everyone around him, goes out of his way to be there for everyone... I think I have the info and know what to do, just very hard -...Quote:
Originally Posted by cozyk
Things do not change over night. Take some time to do what makes you happy, with just you. I think that will influence him far more than words will, and you'll be happy yourself.
He doesn't sound like a really bad guy, but may have no skills in the ways that you want.
Sometimes being a patient teacher is the way to go, rather than demanding, even in a calm quiet way.
My point is work on yourself, and see if he LEARNS from your example.
Okay - sounds stupid, but what do I do to make myself happy? I really am not sure what that means and how to do that. I am happy when I am with my daughter, or when I am in a social setting with friends or co-workers... Is that what I need to continue to do? I think you are on it, he is a really great guy, but he has told me that he does not know what to do as far as the nice stuff, but when I tell him what I like (holding his hand, getting acknowledged on valentines day or mothers day, or any day... or what makes me feel so good and appreciated... either it happens once if that, or it brings on an argument such as Im never happy, its always something... I really don't think he knows how to be a close person, no less any intimate moments! We do not do things together that I think people in a relationship should do? I am so un settled.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Let him go. You're not in love. Don't play the lonely victim either. For some reason, you've decided that you're not worth it to move forward and follow your dreams. You're better than that. 10 years of neglect and lonliness, and just hanging on to some man, because you don't THINK you deserve better,. this doesn't equal love. You don't love him, and you don't love yourself enough right now to see how crappy this situation is. Would you want YOUR SON to lead an unhappy life like this? NO WAY!! You deserve better. Just stop sleeping with your son's father, and move on. You ARE worth MORE. MUCH more. You need to take time to learn to love and respect YOURSELF FIRST. Then after you work on this, only THEN should you begin to date again. I believe in you. Don't give up. PLEASE DON'T SETTLE for some man you don't love. He doesn't love himself or you either. Learn to respect yourself - it may take years, or counselling - but you are WORTH it. Life is too short and too difficult with many obstacles to just settle and be unhappy. Ugh! Think of all of your dreams, and be proud of what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it.
You can't change him. You CAN'T. But you can change YOU. You can change by simply walking away. You are strong and can make a difference in YOUR own LIFE. Be the best person you can be. Be an inspiration to your child. You can control YOUR own destiny. You can CHANGE YOU!!
Xoxox
Hang in there. You can do it. You are great!
Whoops. You have a daughter together, not a son. My apologies.
Please don't give up your dream of marriage, and the 2.5 children, and the white pickett fence. You can have everything your heart desires. You're just not with the right man. You'll never change him. Pull up your socks, and get out there into this big, crazy, frustrating, silly, sometimes scary and daunting world. I have two friends who went through nasty divorces, and now they have found the loves of their lives.
You have to believe in yourself, and trust that you should follow your heart. I know your boyfriend isn't a bad person. He's just NOT the correct match for YOU. That's all. It's not his fault. It's not your fault. It just is what it is.
Move forward for YOU and your daughter. Xox
Awww. I'm sorry. If he was only proposing, because he's scared that you will leave, then, I don't know... it doesn't really sound like love. It's not his fault. It's not your fault. He just doesn't know what to do and you feel stuck. You can change your own life, by being brave and moving forward. I know this is hard and painful. You will both learn and grow for the better if you can gently break away and go on without him. It's totally SCARY and unfamiliar, but these events will make you stronger and more resilient. Right now, you're missing out on the man of your dreams, who could be sweeping you off your feet, right now as I type this. The world is yours to take on and jump into.
I wish you all the best success, happiness and health.
[QUOTE=Bonnie46;1673036]whoops. You have a daughter together, not a son. My apologies.
Please don't give up your dream of marriage, and the 2.5 children, and the white pickett fence. You can have everything your heart desires. You're just not with the right man. You'll never change him. Pull up your socks, and get out there into this big, crazy, frustrating, silly, sometimes scary and daunting world. I have two friends who went through nasty divorces, and now they have found the loves of their lives.
You have to believe in yourself, and trust that you should follow your heart. I know your boyfriend isn't a bad person. He's just NOT the correct match for YOU. That's all. It's not his fault. It's not your fault. It just is what it is.
Move forward for YOU and your daughter. Xox[/QUOTE
I don't know what to say to all of this - its overwhelming...
Thank you, I am so confused with every ones suggestions, but seems like the solution is to not be with someone - love or not, there is more to it than that. Thank you for your time and understanding - this is going to be the hardest thing to do, know what I should do and struggling to decide to do it... I feel like a basket case and just want to be dumb for a while. No matter what I do, it will be wrong and hurtful to all of us, but time will go on. I don't know what I am saying at the moment, but just want to thank you for putting it on the table. I just wish I could get that wonderful person that everyone else gets - and, again, not to be the poor me person, really don't want to sound like that, but maybe I don't know how to get what I want from this person as well. This is all sounding jumbled I know. I am jumbled... I remember when my sister was married and her now ex husband treated her crappy, I asked her why she married him and she said she didn't think she didn't think she deserved anyone better. I don't know what is wrong with me and my family! Thank you again for listening and support...Quote:
Originally Posted by Bonnie46
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